post college thoughts

Wow I haven't posted in so long!  This semester has just been crazy!!!  Full load of difficult classes (as I battle senioritis), job at the Fitness Center, InterVarsity responsibilities, getting myself ready for next year in the real world (sending out resumes, getting references, applying for jobs...), and squeezing in some small times for me (spending time with Jesus, working out, going to small group, watching March Madness, going to as many UMW activities as possible before I graduate)...  The semester is flying by.

Senior year flew by. 
College flew by.

the beginning of senior year--feels just like yesterday

move-in day freshman year (Hannah & me)-- really just cannot believe how fast time went by

I've been really sad for awhile about that fact.  I was in this end-of-college funk.  Stressed.  Anxious.  Depressed.  Overwhelmed.  But what I learned through that period of high anxiety and little sleep is that college is not in any way my "peak."  It is not downhill from here.  Yes it's going to be different and might take some getting used to, but life is going to get so much richer and fuller.  And even though I met Jesus in college He isn't going anywhere after I graduate.  He is going to be with me during every step I take and every life change that I may encounter.

Life is about going on a walk with the kid you babysit and stumbling upon an entrance to the Rappahannock River that you didn't know existed for the four years you lived in this town.

Life is about a good friend bringing your favorite frozen yogurt with your favorite toppings (rainbow sprinkles!) an hour out of his way when he just has a hunch that you are having a bad day.

Life is about seeing how your job/internship for the next year is completely God-ordained and watching how everything comes together in a mysteriously miraculous way.

Life is about being reminded that Wednesdays are red pepper gouda soup day at the Underground and getting excited all over again.

Life is about watching Jesus grow the women in your small group over the past seven months and hearing their smiles through the phone as you invite them to step onto next year's leadership team.

And these small joys will follow me everywhere I go in life as long as I continue to follow Him.  It is so evident to me why I went to Mary Wash for college because this is where I came to know the Lord and commit my life to Him.  I grew just about as much as someone can in college thanks to all of the amazing Godly people that He placed in my life.  But now it's time for me to step out and encounter Him without the invisible walls that surround our campus.  It's time for me to use the skills He has given me to teach others.  It's time for me to work in ministry and write Christian books/articles in hopes of getting published.  I grew so very long and wide here in college and now I am ready to step out and allow Him to grow me deeper.

Life isn't about college.  It's about being in the moment wherever He has me.  It's about finding joy in the little things, in the big things, in the painful things, and in the overwhelmingly joyous things.  It's about waking up each morning dedicating that day to Him.

It's about laughter.  And love.  And learning.  And Jesus.
Really.  It's just all about Jesus.

Springtime!

I love days like today!  80 degrees.  Sunshine.  Ball Circle covered with college students reading and playing frisbee and tanning.  And despite the craziness and stress that my classes brought me today I absolutely loved the little moments that came in short segments.  Moments of running into friends on campus walk, eating lunch outside, getting free school spirit stuff, having a short Jesus-talk with a friend on Ball Circle... I live for springtime on a college campus.

All winter I walk the dreaded, cold path to class each morning--wondering how the bare trees ever looked pretty in the fall and spring.  My mind is full of doubts that the weather will ever be warm again.  But I hold onto the promise that spring will come.  Even if it seems hopeless in the dead of winter.

Days like today are the little glimmer of hope that the earth is indeed moving, and winter will eventually end.  And maybe we're not going to jump completely into spring weather right away.  We might have a few more cold spells before April arrives, but today was that small reminder that spring is on its way.

I've been needing and yearning for God to heal me in a certain difficult area in my life for years.  I was beginning to doubt that He would ever heal me, yet I held onto the promise that He would--even though that was difficult for me to wholeheartedly believe at times.

But I'm beginning to feel it.
The sun warms my skin
And the breeze blows past my face
And the sound of laughter reverberates down campus
And the little glimmer of progress is revealed.

I've felt that healing recently.  (very recent. like, in the past week, recent.)

I'm not completely healed, yet.  I've just experienced a tiny preview this week.  A reminder that Jesus is working on me and has been molding me under the surface for quite some time.  Finally just a bit scraped the surface and a fragment of that progress came out of hiding.


He still has a long way to go with me, but we're moving!  We're growing!  He's changing me.  Healing me.  Molding me into His Son.  It's been three years of praying about it but I can finally see how He's making me new.

I can now smile and say with confidence that winter will, in fact, end.  Even if spring takes longer than I expected for it to get here.

Breaking Waves

After battling a sandstorm and giving up, I sat with my friend on a bench on the boardwalk overlooking the beach today.  The sea-breeze made the air a little chilly and so there weren't many people in sight.  Just the sand and the ocean and the jetties.  I stared out at sea, watching the waves come in and pull back out.

Crashing,
Over and over.
Breaking,
Over and over
Along the coastline.

I don't really understand the physics of what causes waves to break.  I couldn't tell you why they are pulled back to sea, water churning and mixing, only to creep onto the coast in a different format that they did before.  Different water molecules touching the sand than previously.  Always changing.  Always flowing.

But God's mighty hand controls all of it.  He knows when the waves need to break.  He knows how far they will stretch onto the beach before He pulls them back.

And He is constantly changing the ocean.
His ocean.
His masterpiece.
            (And)
His daughter.

He allows me to break to mix up my particles.  To change me.  He never lets me get too far away from the source of the ocean before pulling me quickly back to Him.

Maybe I don't always understand the physics and the reasons how or why.  But He does.
And that is enough.

Knowing He is always changing me,
Knowing I will never reach a point where He can't pull me back,
Knowing He controls it all,
                        is enough.

injured on day two. oh boy.

SPRING BREAK IS HEREEEE! (Said in Oprah's yelling voice.)

Sunday night I spent visiting my sister at Salisbury University.  We got up to go to the gym Monday morning and it was great.  We ran for half an hour on the ellipticals, she taught me some sweet new ab moves, and we used some machines that I honestly hadn't even touched since high school.  After the gym I headed home for Jersey and was feeling good.  I felt strong and healthy and energized.

But yesterday I woke up a little sore and when I got to the gym I had to push through that 30 minute run.  And while doing the ab exercises I was convinced that my entire torso was going to crumble into pieces on the mat.  What was the worst was day two of the hip adduction machine.  I actually thought at one point that I was going to burst into tears from the soreness of Monday colliding with yesterday's lame attempts.  Actually, even just getting on and off the machine killed my muscles because my legs didn't want to open more than a 45 degree angle.

And I pushed too far.
And I pulled my groin.
And I can't even describe to you the pain from just laying here on my bed.  Walking around the house is really just out of the question at the moment.

My abs and arms, they are that good hurt.  That pain that says, yes. we worked hard at the gym. we're doing good things.  But my groin is screaming at me with pain.  I was probably pressing too much weight and I probably shouldn't have pushed my body yesterday when it was hurting that bad to begin with.

I'm a bit frustrated because I was planning on taking today off from weights and abs and just doing cardio, but I literally cannot even get up.  My groin throbs constantly without me even moving.  I actually felt tears come into my eyes multiple times this morning when I just tried to turn over and grab my book to read.

I guess I can't turn into a super athlete overnight.  I can't go from never working out to doing that much.  I need to take it slower.  Patience.  Because I can (and did) really injury myself.

I started drinking water, taking vitamins, and working out because I'm learning the spiritual importance of being physically healthy.  We are given body and soul from God and both are important.  But change isn't always immediate.

Renewing my mind isn't immediate either.  I can't get frustrated when I pray for a cleansed mind and yet see myself struggling in the same areas.  I can't just expect things to be good and temptations to go away without some work.  Without some time.  Without Jesus.  Because if I just immerse myself in temptation areas and don't allow healing to happen first I will injury myself and prolong the process of being made more like Christ.

Right now I need ice and rest.  Poor hip adductor muscles.
Right now I need prayer and rest.  Poor brokenness in my mind.

The Lord is using my body to force me to rest and journal through things that I keep putting off.  His perfect timing caused this groin injury during spring break.  His perfect timing is using both body and soul to work together and restrain me to my room so that I can focus on Him and Him alone.

And after proper rest I can try to venture out into the world again.

My body will learn and adapt in order to heal.
Just like my heart and mind will.

But in the meantime please pray for my left groin musclessss.  The pain makes me want to cry. :(