Spiritual Formation Retreat

On our ride home from the overnight Spiritual Formation Retreat (for InterVarsity Staff), I found myself reflecting out loud to my (soon-to-be) supervisor.

"On your way home from this retreat last year, you met me while I was home for Thanksgiving at Panera.  At that point, I left the conversation almost positive that I'd pursue a volunteer year in the Blue Ridge Region. And now here we are, coming back from the same retreat just one year later.  Can you believe that was only a year ago?  I feel like I've been in this region forever.  I feel like I've known you guys my entire life."

That thought boggled my mind.

The downstate New York and New Jersey staff teams spent the past two days encountering Jesus and fellowshipping with one another.  Some of the people (like Chris and Christine) I spend almost every day with.  Some people (like my Central/South New Jersey Area Team) I see/talk to/pray with on a pretty regular basis.  And others I had only met once or twice before.

But regardless, most of the people that I spent the past 24 hours with I truly feel like I've known forever.  These people have welcomed me with open arms into this region and I've been blown away by how well each person has cared for me as not only a staff worker, but as a sister in Christ.

This week I found myself in multiple laughing fits as we played Train Wreck (or "fruit basket" as this region calls it) and lovingly teased each other like siblings so often do.  I realized that even though I am usually shy at first and even though I had only met several people a couple of times, I was able to completely be my crazy ENFJ self.  I even realized that any time extroversion was mentioned people automatically looked at me.  (An intervention for my caffeine addiction was also apparently discussed while I was in the bathroom at one point...)  Shockingly, on the first day I found myself in tears telling my deepest, darkest secret to some of these co-workers and asking for prayer that Jesus would meet me in that place.  These people know me.  Deeply.  From my stupid love for coffee to my goofy personality and to the wounds that cut me the deepest.  They. Know. Me.

Home.  That's what this region feels like.  Home.

As much as I've tried to fight it, as much as I so miss my fellowship in Virginia, I can never go back.  I'm building relationships in my town, in my church, and in this InterVarsity Region.  I'm seeing it confirmed time and time again that this is truly the place Jesus led me to--that nothing over the past four years was an accident.  Everything has led to me applying for InterVarsity Staff in this region.

How did a place that I avoided for so many years so easily come to be where I know I belong?  Jesus.  That's how.  I laugh when I think that I ever thought I could run from this calling to NY/NJ.  This calling to staff.  It amuses me to think I doubted that Jesus would lovingly perfectly place all these pieces of the puzzle together.

It still hurts when I call my best friends on the phone and know they are hours and hours away.  It still hurts when I come home to a house that's empty of roommates and laughter.  It still hurts when I know that my community is just going to look different here than it did in college.

But I love it all the same.  And I'm content.  And I'm full.  And I'm comfortable.

Settle down, it'll all be clear.

Don't pay no mind to the demons,

They fill you with fear.

The trouble it might drag you down.

If you get lost, you can always be found.

Just know you're not alone,

Cause I'm gonna make this place your home.

Hitting a deer to learn I am dear to Him

I'm on my way home from a prayer meeting last night when out of the corner of my eye I see a deer charging my car.  I felt like I was the red flag in a bull fight.  It hit the front corner on the driver's side, slid into the entire front end, and rolled away.  Within minutes, two cop cars came.

Officer #1:  "What'd you do to Bambi?!"
Me:  "Wahhhh I didn't mean to...."
Officer #1:  "Are you gonna cry?"
Me:  "Maybe over the fact that I don't have money to fix my car."
Officer #2:  "Did it have antlers?"
Me:  "WHAT?!  I don't know?  It flew at me!"
Officer #2:  "It FLEW?  Great.  You ruined Christmas."
[Hilarious.]

As much as I was annoyed at the financial and situational inconvenience (I now won't have a car for awhile), I could feel how much Jesus had divinely intervened to protect me.  This animal could have smashed through my windshield at the speed in which it was traveling.  It also came just inches from pounding into the driver's side doors.  But instead of hurting me, it left the front of my car beat up and me inside safe and warm.  I mean, the air bags didn't even go off.

Gregg was still at the prayer meeting and so I called him to drive down the road and come pick me up while they towed my poor little vehicle away.  Even though I felt like I inconvenienced him, he kept asking me if I was okay and even read me Scripture when he could tell my frustration with the expenses was getting to me.  He explained insurance to me, handled talking to the tow truck guy... all things that I was too cold (I wasn't wearing a coat...) and shy to do on my own.

Robin called us to see if I was okay after he told her what happened.  She immediately asked if I needed a ride to work in the morning.

When I got home and posted a short status on facebook about it, my notifications BLEW UP.  People were commenting left and right asking me if I was okay and trying to figure out my rides to and from work for the next few weeks.  At one point, a couple of women from church were literally talking without me responding on their own, trying to figure out how to get me a car.

I am truly blessed.  I was sitting on my bed, in my warm house, safe and completely unharmed, watching a Duke game (we won, by the way!), as I continued to read the conversation that these women were having to try and serve me.

Jesus was showering me with blessings.  Teaching me to appreciate the community that He has given me, even if it doesn't look the specific way I requested (i.e. I don't have roommates).  Teaching me that He is keeping me safe and has plans for me and wants me here in this town, at this school, in this church for a reason.  I don't have to worry about not having a paying job, not being around my friends from college, and not being in what I consider to be a "perfect town."  I don't even have to worry about accidents like these because He's got me.  Because I'm His daughter.

Because He has great plans for me right here.

It took hitting a deer for me to realize how much He holds my life in His hands.
Sorry little guy, wish it could have happened some other way...

let's go deeper.

Intimacy with God.

Sometimes, my walk seriously lacks intimacy.  Sometimes my relationship with Jesus is full of worship songs, second-long prayer requests, and (reluctantly) studying difficult parts of the bible to grow in knowledge.

These things are good, but where's the intimacy?

Rarely do I ever just chat with Jesus.  Rarely do I ever just allow myself to have fun with Him.

Rarely do I do anything (cleaning my room, showering, driving, working out, etc) without music on.  And even though most of my playlists are Christian artists, it begs the question...

Where is the quiet?

Where is the room to hear His response to me?

I can't really consider it a conversation if I do all of the talking and none of the listening.

Sometimes my relationship feels more like a space for me to vent and for me to list all of my requests (and even to just list all of my praises) before Him.  And even though Jesus desires for me to present my requests to Him, He desires so much more than just that.  Even though Jesus desires for me to in-depthly study Scripture to discover more of who He is, He desires so much more than just that.

Today I commit to more quiet.  More music-less car rides.  More meditating on the Word, rather than just study.

I'm grateful that I work with a bunch of people who do have this intimacy with Jesus.  I praise God in the way knowing them over these past 6 months has helped to shape and advance my own spiritual walk.  I'm grateful that I can leave work at the end of the day and say, "Jesus, I want to know you like he/she knows you.  I want more of that."

Jesus is ready and eager to have an intimate relationship with me.  And sometimes I let Him.  But sometimes my own agenda gets in the way.

Today I commit to more hearing and less talking.  More time hanging out and less time working.  My extreme extroverted-ness and achiever-mentality make both of those things a challenging stepping stone for me.

But I commit to more being and less doing.

More intimacy.

John 15:4

Remain in me, as I also remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.