the grace that's all around

I'm sitting on my back deck, in perfect ~80 degree weather, watching the sun get progressively lower in the sky. During the morning hours I read and went on a run, in the afternoon I painted while listening to worship music, and tonight some friends are coming over to manuscript a bible passage.  Today was a day that I sensed the Spirit inviting me to stop and breathe and be.

My to-do list is still very long.

My anxiety over New Student Outreach approaching is still very high.

There are still emails to send and students to meet with and books to read and talks to write.

But I'm learning that in this career of full time ministry, it's easy to always be busy because the work never actually ends.  I'm learning that in order for me to be effective for the Kingdom, I need space to be filled up.

So today, I said "yes" to God giving me that space.

Space in solitude.  Space with Jesus.  Space to breathe now that the swim season has ended and before NSO begins.  Space to sleep and recover from the sickness that dragged my body down over the past few days.

And in this moment, I'm very much aware of the grace that's all around.  There is grace in the cool summer breeze, grace in the sound of cicadas, grace in the view that I have in this backyard, grace in the fact that for the very first time this summer I actually don't feel tired.

It's easy to see grace in the slower rhythms.

I think that in the whirlwind of this summer, on most fast-paced days I missed the grace that was all around.  I would squint and have trouble seeing it, but it was there, abounding.  Because there was grace in every "ready, go!" I shouted to my swimmers on the wall, grace in those afternoons we got caught in the rain on the pool deck, grace in the traffic jams I sat in on Staten Island when I just wanted to be home and asleep, grace in the office work that left me yearning for human interaction.

I learned (the hard way, I think) of my need to notice His grace in any rhythm, not just the slow ones.

This year is going to be full, of ministry and responsibility and intentionality.  But I think that there is an invitation there for it to also be full of love and joy and peace, despite a busy schedule or circumstances that are out of my control.

I think there's an invitation to be aware of Him, always, because He's the only one who wholly fills and loves.  Oh, to practice the presence of God.  This summer taught me that I'm not as good at it as I once thought.

But there is forgiveness and mercy and grace and the opportunity to start again, right now.  The choice to notice, to celebrate, to love, to play.  And I think that these four things are always available, even in the hard or the long days, because they are all a grace given by Him.

Spirit, be so present around me. (& in me.)

Let me be so aware of You that You seem tangible in any moment.

Let my life be lived into and out of Your grace, in every season and every rhythm.

daring to dream

When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,

     we were like those who dreamed.

Our mouths were filled with laughter,

     our tongues with songs of joy.

Then it was said among the nations,

     "The LORD has done great things for them."

The LORD has done great things for us,

     and we are filled with joy.

[Psalm 126:1-3]

I was afraid to dream over this past year.

More accurately, I was afraid to dream with God over this past year.
In tears, I'd pray, knowing that it was He who had awakened these desires within me.
And I'd ask for any solution to the emptiness that I faced each day.

I was afraid to dream because I was afraid to speak the words of what I really wanted.
So I sat in those secret places of my heart, quietly dreaming with myself,
     Not letting the images get too bright, too noisy,
     For fear of them being so loud that God could hear.

Because the truth is,
I was afraid to invite Him into those dreams,
     afraid His response would be a "no."

But that,
That was foolish thinking.
Because every moment that I thought I was dreaming alone,
I was actually dreaming right alongside of Him anyway.
And those dreams (I believe)
     were put there by Him to begin with.
every. last. detail.

And the thing is with God,
     He is good.
     And He delights in this daughter of His.
     And He is the Giver of good gifts.

In just one short week, everything changed.
And a whisper from the Holy Spirit told me that everything was going to be different.

I know this now,
     because I'm living that dream.
          every. last. detail.
And the really crazy part?
     (we both are.)

The degree to which God answered my year-long prayers over the past two months is so crazy,
So unreal,
That I have to keep reminding myself that this actually is reality.
That I'm not going to just wake up from it because I'm living it.

"Goodnight. And this isn't a dream, so I'll talk to you tomorrow," he reminded me.

This isn't a dream.
This isn't a dream.
This is real. Every word, every look, every feeling.
This is real.

Our God is good.
He answers prayer.
And He is crafting my story into something beautiful.
     (Something for His glory.)
Mending the brokenness that once felt so unfixable.

We don't know the ending yet,
     (and that's okay).
Because in this moment, there is peace.
     There is healing.
     There is joy.
And there is the unwavering knowledge that the Spirit is right here in the thick of it,
     directing and loving and leading, just like He always does,
His presence reminding us that we are His.
And that He is surely writing this chapter with all the care and affection of a good Daddy,
     who still smiles and reminds that He is always redeeming,
     always protecting, always gently guiding, always restoring.

It's okay, My child, He tells me, Jump in. Let go. For I am here. And I am making all things new.