"Let Food Be Thy Medicine" | A Review of Whole 30

Several people have been asking me about my food journey, so I figured I'd get my thoughts out in a blog. This post is long, but if you're curious about healthy lifestyles, I deeply encourage you to read it.

In January, I completely changed to eating a whole-food, plant-based diet. What does that mean? I became vegan and switched to (mostly) organic, unprocessed foods. I started to read food-labels and if there was something in a product that I couldn't pronounce nor knew what it was, I essentially didn't purchase it. I started realizing that I wouldn't sprinkle all of those pesticides and preservatives and chemicals on my food, so why was I putting them into my body in the first place?

So I re-learned how to grocery shop. I learned new recipes and ways of snacking. And from January-June, while I definitely felt better, I wasn't getting the results that I longed for, particularly pertaining to my sleep (or lack thereof).

When June arrived, I had my annual physical exam with a new primary physician. This new doctor took a more wholistic approach in comparison to my last doctor and after getting my blood work back, she recommended that I do Whole 30 for three months and then take my blood work again. My triglycerides were almost twice as high as the highest healthy limit, and I had other worrisome numbers in there, also.

Whole 30 is essentially a clean-eating Paleo lifestyle. It's supposed to function like a 30-day cleanse, as it's much stricter than just eating Paleo.

The rules of Whole 30?
...Do not consume added sugar of any kind, real or artificial (that includes maple syrup and honey).
...Do not consume alcohol in any form, not even for cooking.
...Do not eat grains (this includes corn and quinoa).
...Do not eat legumes.
...Do not eat dairy.
...Do not consume carrageenan, MSG, or sulfites.
...Do not try to re-create baked goods, junk foods, or treats with "approved" ingredients.

Some tips on Whole 30?
...Eat real, whole food.
...Basically, on Whole 30 you can eat meat, eggs, vegetables, fruit, and nuts (except for peanuts, which are a legume).
...If you're not sure, don't eat it.

So I switched my food lifestyle all over again. As you can see from the "don't" list, I could no longer be vegan. Without legumes and grains, I would only be able to eat fruits and vegetables as a vegan, and those wouldn't sustain me. Fortunately I was used to the no-dairy-thing and no-artificial-food-thing from the whole-food plant-based diet, but it was time to add back in meat and eggs and take out many more things.

My consensus? Whole 30 is much, much, much harder to stick to than being vegan. It was way more restrictive, especially when it came to eating meals out. (No added sugar meant that, for most places, I couldn't even have salad dressing. Oil and a lemon wedge on the side, thank you.) But it was so incredibly worth it.

It's Basic Science.
One of the first things I did after getting put on the Whole 30 (Whole 90?) plan was buy and read the book It Starts with Food. This book was written by the creators of Whole 30 and includes (in simplest terms with a lovely sense of humor) all of the science behind the program. The most fascinating thing that I learned from the book is that it's basically a hormone problem. The amount of carbs and sugars that are in a typical American diet throw off our hormones, which disrupts a variety of important cycles in our bodies.

My biggest recommendation if you are thinking of doing Whole 30 is to read It Starts with Food. For me, it was helpful to really understand why I was eating this way, especially on the days that I looked upon yet another batch of eggs for breakfast with disgust. After reading the book, I understood why my sleep was terrible, why my triglycerides were high enough to kill me, and why no matter how "healthy" I ate I just couldn't lose weight (and keep it off).

Another nugget of information that I gained from both being vegan and then being paleo is the harmful effects of dairy on the body. Think about it. We are the only "animals" that drink another animal's milk. It's sort of gross if you ask me. And while the thought of it made me gag, I am a cheese-lover. I could honestly sit down and eat an entire block of cheese in one sitting if I had the nerve. Cheddar. Blue cheese. Gouda. Parmesan. I love cheese. But the more I read, the more I realized how harmful it really is. According to Forks Over Knives (a documentary that promotes a vegan lifestyle), research has shown that the protein found in dairy is directly linked to breast cancer. That was enough to turn me vegan for awhile and is enough now to remind me that, by and large, I should stay away from the cheese (and milk and yogurt, etc). It's interesting that now if I have a "cheat-on-my-paleo-lifestyle" day with a piece of pizza or some other form of dairy, my stomach is usually extremely upset with me. My body has learned that cheese is bad (even if it tastes so good).


So what happened to me on Whole 30?

My Sleep Improved.
Every year of my life, my sleep slowly grew worse and worse, to the point that, over this last year, I was getting around two hours of sleep per night, if I slept at all. You can imagine the toll that this took on my body, my personal life, my work, and even my spiritual life.

After just a few short weeks of being on Whole 30, I began to sleep through the night. No, my sleep is still not perfect. Yes, I still take awhile to fall asleep and wake up a few times in the middle of the night. But now, I tend to get a full night's sleep every night.

Above all, this was the most significant impact that Whole 30 had on my life. It regulated my hormones so that I could sleep and function like a normal human being.

My Triglycerides Improved.
Normal triglycerides should be less than 150. Mine were checking in at 236, which made my doctor worried and was the primary reason she put me on Whole 30 to begin with. 236 was almost double what the highest "normal" number is. After three months of Whole 30 and taking fish oil supplements every day, my triglycerides went down to 68. Whoa. My doctor seemed surprised and thrilled at this number, as did I. Going from 236 to 68 in just three months with no medicine or anything? Well, that sounds almost unbelievable, like a miracle.

My Thyroid Began to Function Normally
Before Whole 30, my thyroid was in the hypothyroid range. Normal thyroid functioning is important for a variety of issues as it deals with hormones, sleep being one of them. When I got my blood work done the first time, my doctor offered to put me on medicine for this right away. She said that while Whole 30 might improve my results, it was unlikely. But I declined, curious to see what Whole 30 would do. Well, the new diet caused my thyroid to decrease just enough to put me in normal range. Take that, Modern Medicine.

My "Good Cholesterol" Increased.
My HDL levels (also known as "good cholesterol") was checking in previous to Whole 30 at 36, which is a rather low number. Good cholesterol is important to have in your body because it helps to fight the bad cholesterol.  After Whole 30, it increased to a (basically) normal range of 46.

I Lost Weight
I lost about 15 pounds when I went on the whole-food, plant-based diet but then my weight stabilized. On Whole 30, I lost an additional 15 pounds, totaling in a 30 pound loss for the year. Mind you, never once did I count calories and I rarely (rarely, rarely, rarely) exercise. All I did what change what kind of food I put into my body.

The interesting thing is that if I really thought about it, I was eating probably twice as many calories on Whole 30 than I ever had before, yet the pounds just began dropping without me even trying. This is all explained in the book It Starts with Food, but basically is due to this: Our bodies are created to burn fat. On the typical American diet, we consume so many sugars and carbohydrates (which turn into sugars) that our bodies have been conditioned to burn sugar and store fat. Cut out the carbs and sugars and your body re-learns how to burn fat like it was intended to do. Because of this process, the first couple of weeks on Whole 30 are hard. Like, really, really hard. Your body is re-learning how to function and you go through total sugar withdrawal. But after a couple of weeks, your body gets it and the withdrawal symptoms go away.

My Relationship with Food Improved.
I learned that I do not "have" to eat something. If I go out to eat or to a party, no one is force-feeding me ice cream or chips. During Whole 30, I literally had to say no to most food. I even went to a wedding(!) and managed to talk to the waitstaff and eat Whole 30 while I was there (talk about dedication). No one was forcing me to drink champagne at the toast or have the hors d'oeuvres at cocktail hour or eat the salad with the dressing. I learned to say no. This carried over after I completed my 90 days, too. Now on the weekends, I decide ahead of time what I want to "splurge" on and go for it. Celebration is important and going out to eat is something my husband and I love to do. But I also know what's "worth it" and what's not. I have said no to things like ice cream, bread, chips, etc. post-Whole 30 because I'm reminded that don't have to eat it just because it's available (or free).

I've come to view food as my medicine, rather than all the drugs that previous doctors have wanted to pump into my body. And so I can say no to foods because it's not healthy for me to consistently say yes to them. Hippocrates once said to "let food by thy medicine" and I think he understood the implications of food and chemicals on our body more than most modern scientists these days.

I also don't really miss all the sugar anymore. If I have just a little bit of sugar now my taste buds are like, "Yikes that is SWEET!" I also really missed my carbs in the beginnings (particularly pasta or bread for sandwiches), but I've learned how to do life without them and rarely even think about them as options anymore.

Whole 30 Is Not My Savior
While many of my health issues improved, others did not.  I still have seasonal allergies, joint pain, feel tired most of the time, and actually have a pretty significant health issue that another doctor has been seeing me about for 7 months now.  There are stories of Whole 30 fixing these for people, but it didn't for me. Also, my LDL levels ("bad cholesterol") went up just slightly, despite the good news of my other numbers finally fitting into normal range. I say this to show you a real picture of my health and not a "Whole 30 fixes ALL!" fabrication.

Overall, I am happy with my results, though. Whole 30 did what it was supposed to do (fix my triglycerides) and then some (fix my sleep, my "good cholesterol", my thyroid, and my health in general). Jesus is my strength and healer and savior, not a particular doctor or lifestyle change or food or medicine. So while I will advocate for anyone to try this eating plan for 30 days because I truly believe it will improve anyone's health, Whole 30 will not fix every problem that you have. Namely, it will not fix your spiritual problem of being separated from God. That is for Jesus, our Savior, to do.

If you'd like to chat more about Whole 30 or are thinking of trying the program for yourself, email me! I would love to share more with you.

Here's to Being a Mrs.

It's been exactly 8 months 1 week and 3 days since my last blog post. My hiatus wasn't intentional and it also wasn't something that went unnoticed. Actually, I've attempted to write posts since then, most of which I either never finished or never actually pressed the "publish" button. I guess some might say I've had writer's block, but it feels a bit more complex than that.

How can I write when I have both nothing to say and everything to say simultaneously? How can I write when everything in my life is different and yet everything is pretty much still the same? Where do I start? Where do I end?

It's like when I'm asked the oh so familiar, "How's married life?" question. Well, sir, I just don't know how to answer you. You see, I've been married now for a little over four months and my mind and heart and days are buzzing with thoughts and feelings and tasks that I never even knew existed (or at least had never experienced before). And while it's wonderful and fun and so very delightful, it's also hard and a lot of work and I'm learning things about myself, things that sometimes feel a bit dark and (to be honest) a bit scary. But I guess it's best to have that sin deep inside of me uprooted and shown for what it really is than to live in ignorance, never really experiencing true freedom. So I'm grateful to marriage for that. And I'm grateful to marriage for all of the gooey warm feelings, too. And sure, time commitments are a bit more challenging, but I also get to live with my best friend now and that's pretty great. And...

Truth is, I sound like a rambling idiot. Truth is, no one really wants to hear that answer. So I smile and exclaim, "Marriage is great!" And I move on to the next question from the next person, worded a bit differently, but at its core is really just the same.

As you can see, I haven't written because even though I have a million thoughts, I'm not exactly sure what to say. These days, my thoughts tend to ramble and my heart tends to feel 10,000 emotions every day.

Married life is very different than single life. Actually, married life is much more different than I ever thought it would be from the single life. My hopes, dreams, actions and my past, present, and future are no longer my own. I am fully known and fully loved by another, despite my shortcomings and sin, which is truly a remarkable thing. All of that is very difficult to fully wrap my head around. I don't think one is better than the other, married life from single life, they are just very different, and it takes some time to adjust.

Marriage has brought change to almost every area of my life. I'm living with a permanent roommate (my husband) and learning how to share everything I own with someone else. I'm learning how much bills and taxes actually cost and I'm living in a different town and in a different state. I'm a part of a new family with new traditions, new ethnic backgrounds, and new faces to love. I also have a new last name, which is a daily reminder that my life is new, that my whole self now belongs to another.

The piece I'm pretty sure will take me a bit longer to fully grasp is the fact that there is now a "Mrs." before my name. Mrs. Oh, that's strange. But I guess we're all growing up. I guess that's what everyone talks about when they mention how fast life flies by because it feels like it was just yesterday that I was in high school, going to swim practices and play rehearsals. Now all of a sudden I'm a Mrs. and I have doctors that are around the same age as me and I'm beginning to plan for a life with children. I'm suddenly at the life stage where I relate more to the parents in sitcoms than to the teenagers in them, and I'm not quite sure when that shift happened.

Yet, I'm still me. I still go to the same church and have the same job. I still hang out with the same friends and have the same hobbies and passions. I still laugh at (and tell) the same jokes and I still cry over the same movies.

Not knowing how to reconcile all of that, I decided to just cut my hair, which is eight inches shorter with bangs now because, well, that's what girls do when we don't know what else to do. It was the only thing I could think of doing to help the pieces fit all together in my mind. Now when I look into the mirror, I see the same person, but I look completely different. I see the old and new merging into one complete reflection--not broken or confused, just different. I still see me, it's just a new me.

My husband keeps saying, "We're not the same people that we were 4 or 5 months ago," and it's true. Marriage requires you to grow and change and mature, to make decisions based on another person and not on yourself. Marriage teaches you to love and care, even when you don't really feel like it. And I've found that though I'm still the same person, I am very much a completely different person too, one that I hope is more like Christ.

So there you have it. I haven't blogged, not because I'm lazy or apathetic or too busy, but because I haven't known where to start. Because I feel like in the past 8 months, 1 week, and 3 days everything has changed and yet nothing has changed at the same time.

But I think I'll start right here, right in the middle of the ramblings, right in the middle of my over-stimulated, glowingly newly-wed, fragile thoughts and feelings.

Life is good. Life is hard. Life is much more complex than I ever imagined.

But it's rich and wonderful and as I press forward in my relationship with God and in my relationship with my husband, I find that I wouldn't want it any other way.

So here's to marriage and new schedules and new traditions. Here's to being in love and committing to grow with and for another. Here's to new haircuts on old faces. Here's to being a Mrs.

six years ago and four months from now

My mother died six years ago today.

I remember that week clearly.  I remember the things I saw and the emotions I felt, ones that no eighteen-year-old should ever have to experience.  It was in those four days of caring for her when the hospice care fell through that I realized the brokenness of this world that we live in more tangibly than any other time.

About twenty minutes after she passed, I moved into another room with my sister and my friend and random thoughts were buzzing through my brain at light-speed.  Two of those thoughts stuck out sharply and I never forgot them.  One was that from here on out, I knew that I would always have a difficult time on March 26th.  The other was that my wedding day will be spotted with the heartbreak of wishing she were there.

It's interesting that I even thought of my wedding day in that moment, since I've been convinced most of my life that I would never get married.  But I think the Lord was speaking to me even then, in the same way that He was speaking to me about marriage before I ever even met Danny.

And here I am, six years older, with a loving fiancé whom I will walk down the aisle to in a white dress four months from today.

That's right.  Four month's from today.  This anniversary of the worst day of my life is speckled with hope and excitement of the future.  But that's what we always find in life, don't we?  Mourning alongside of celebration, goodbyes alongside of hellos.  The dark canvas of this broken world somehow looks full of hope when you notice the grace of God, bright and inviting.

Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah.  So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death -- Genesis 24:67

I am grateful that God chose for these dates to align, grateful that He is lovingly beckoning me into a new life stage that is filled with eager anticipation.  I love that my God knows how to comfort His daughter, and gives her gentle people to ease the pain of the past.  I am grateful that He gave me a soon-to-be husband who taught me how to love again and broke down the walls I put up after my mom died.

But it is hard.  And I miss her.  And I know that on the day when I say, "I do," I'll be wishing it were my father and mother presenting me at the altar.

I wish she were here for the craziness of wedding planning, that is for sure.  But more than that, I wish she were here as I prepare to become someone's wife.  I wish she were here for me to ask her all of my questions about what that role is like.

I wish she were here as Danny and I dream about our family down the road and what it will be like to be parents.  I wish she were here to tell me all about pregnancy and motherhood and the joys and pains that come with it.

I long for my mama to be here as I enter this new chapter of my life.  I long for the one who read me bedtime stories and bandaged up my scraped knees, the one who comforted me when I was bullied in middle school and dealt with all of my teen angst.  I wish I could go to the one who was there for the insight and guidance that I need, the one who raised me and loved me despite my flaws.

I wish my mom had met Danny, and that he had met her.  I wish she were here to laugh with me about how similar Danny and my dad are, and how similar she and I are now that I'm an adult, and how similar our marriages will probably look.

I miss my mama, in a new way than before.  In this new life stage, the heartbreak of missing her hurts different than before.  It's not worse or less painful, just different.

I smile when they tell me I'm like you, Mama.  Do you know that?  I'm proud when I notice that in many ways I'm a little version of you, because I think you were pretty great.  And I hope to be a loving wife like you, and a sweet, caring, dedicated mama like you were.

I will tell my children all about you.  I will tell them how their grandmother loved the beach and that's why I decided to have a beach wedding.  I will tell them how she loved detective things and will teach them to play Clue and read them mystery novels.  I will introduce them to all of the classic Broadway musicals and sing my heart out with them around the house.

You'd like Danny, Mama.  You'd be so happy that God brought me a man who loves me and cares for me and knows how to calm me down when I'm stressed over my busy schedule (that much hasn't changed...).  You'd like how he fits right into the family and how his family deeply cares for me.  You'd like how smart he is and gentle he is and how sweet he is to Kirsten.  You'd like how he and Dad geek out over their computer programming world together.

You'd like how he cares for me like you used to.

Thanks for always being there.  Thanks for being the best mama in the world.  I hope that one day, my kids will look back and say the same things about me that I say about you.

I love you, Mom.

NYE and Noisemakers and Celebrating

I found myself standing in a crowded living room, counting down the final ten seconds of 2014 while holding onto my fiancé(!) tightly and looking around at all of my smiling (and screaming) college friends.

Life is that moment was good.

The past month was a whirlwind of activity and my life as I knew it was also forever changed. The man of my dreams (and my very best friend) asked me to marry him. My cousin, who was raised almost like a big sister to me, had her first baby and I got to hold precious little Avery in my arms as we welcomed her into the world. We had THREE(!) Christmases due to two families now and tiny Avery being born on Christmas Day. We watched as handfuls of friends also got engaged and we celebrated the anticipation of our new lives right alongside of them. I traveled multiple times between a staff training, half of Christmas week at my soon-to-be in-laws, and a vacation to celebrate the New Year in Delaware.

To ring in 2015, eight of us Mary Washington InterVarsity friends and two of our now fiancés decided to rent a house by the beach. In those four days of cooking and cleaning, laughing and dancing, playing Settlers and other games, watching movies, talking, having group manuscript bible studies, chopping wood and making fires, I was reminded that this group would always feel like family to me.

After a year of not seeing these sweet college friends and after a lifetime of believing the lies that I would never be "good enough" for marriage, there was a part of me that still couldn't believe this was my life--in real time--as I stood in that living room on New Year's Eve. As the ball dropped and I kissed my fiancé and cheers-ed my friends and blew my noisemaker as obnoxiously as possible, I was celebrating more than a new date. I was celebrating the culmination of a really great year.

2014, you were a good. I saw my dad come to know Jesus in a real way and grow exponentially in his walk. I said "yes" to a new position within InterVarsity at TCNJ and have learned and grown tremendously from it so far. I met and became engaged to the man that I've decided to spend the rest of my life with, a man that God crafted as more perfect for me than I could ever even dream up myself.

In that moment, I was celebrating freedom and new life, friendship and love. I was celebrating how God really does the miraculous, how He holds friendships together over time and distance, how He can take the most stubborn and broken woman and make her ready to be someone's wife.

My heart at the end of 2014 was full of sweet bliss. God can do amazing things, more than we'll ever ask for or imagine.

And I am excited for what God has in store for 2015. I'm getting married this year!!! (Those are words that I still can't believe I'm writing.)

So here's to 2014. You were good to us. But, 2015, we welcome you with open arms and an eager expectation for what's to come.

our new year's week crew

(and it's okay.)

I was sitting on the couch, his arms around me, sinking into his frame that's begun to carry a sense of home. I have found safety here, comfort in this place. We weren't saying anything of much importance, just the typical back and forth of two extroverts who are up way past their bedtimes. Sometimes we would cease speaking all together, and I would notice that in the silence and the closeness, I could hear the rhythm of his heart. In that moment, I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I heard someone's heartbeat. I couldn't remember the last time I let someone close enough to even hug me, pushing away any attempt that my friends and family would make at physical touch.

I'm learning that it's okay to let someone be close.

I said some very typical and blunt Alyssa-y comment and he rolled his eyes laughing and pulled me closer. In that moment, the familiar strong-willed leader inside of me clashed with this foreign desire to let someone else lead the way, and I was surprised at how beautiful those contradictions felt. The clashing didn't spark, didn't explode, but those oppositions melded with each other, complementary colors on the wheel.

I'm learning that submission isn't a bad thing at all for this campus minister, but it's the Creator's most perfect way.

No matter where we are or what we're doing, when I look him in the eyes I'm met with a gaze that says "I care about you, and I love you, and I'm not going anywhere." That, for me, is different. But that look is also easy to give and receive when butterflies are fluttering or when I'm laughing so hard that tears roll down my face. What about when we're angry? What about when one (or both) of us are in need of forgiveness?

During our biggest disagreement, I remember storming past him flaunting my typical "I'm passive-aggressive but I want you to know I'm extremely unhappy" response. And when I turned around to see how he'd react to my craziness, his eyes reflected back the same look that I've come to know so well, filled with so much grace and care, and he calmly reminded me that he loved me.

I am learning that no matter how I'm acting, I am loved for who I am, not for what I do or how I behave or even how I'm thinking in the moment.

It's okay to make myself known, to let someone in on all of the broken pieces of myself as well as all of the parts that I like. I am learning that when God is center, there lies true grace and joy and forgiveness and love. When Christ is the foundation, that look in his eyes is unchanging, and "I love you" is based off of a commitment, not a feeling. Jesus is freeing me from the fear of letting people in, of making myself known, of giving another imperfect person permission to unintentionally hurt me (and vice versa) as we both seek to grow in holiness and grace. And, oh, after years of fearing to let people in, there is rest in allowing someone else to see the whole of me.

I am learning that it's okay to just let go.

God is teaching me about the greatest part of His character: His love. Though I still don't grasp it fully, I understand His love more now than I ever have before, and I want to know it more. For if a grace and comfort can be found in the love of a person, how much more can they be found in the love of the One who is Love?

To be close enough to hear His heartbeat, to call His arms home, that is what I long for. God, as I'm learning to know and be known, would You use it to always point me back to You, the only One who loves perfectly.

confessions of a campus minister

My most honest confession? I often take my eyes off of Jesus.

Wind and waves surrounding me,

I notice my feet going under.

When the tasks are many before me,

And I yearn for man's approval more than I do for God's,

And the pressure pushes in from all sides,

     I lose sight of the vision,

        of the calling,

        of Spirit with and in me.

I forget that it was Jesus who said, "Come," before my feet even left the boat. [Matt 14:29]

And in my panic of "DO SOMETHING!" He gently asks me once again why I let my faith in His word, His power, His calling become so small.

My eyes aren't always on Jesus.

And when they're not, I grow afraid of the very waters that I asked Him to allow me to walk upon.

Truly, I am grateful for His hand repeatedly lifting me out of my panic,

     Lavishing me with a grace that I most assuredly don't deserve.

     Restoring these averted eyes to their proper gaze.

I am reminded that He has this too under control.

And that He cares about my walk on these deep waters.

     This walk that we journey together,

     Father, Son, Spirit, and me.

the grace that's all around

I'm sitting on my back deck, in perfect ~80 degree weather, watching the sun get progressively lower in the sky. During the morning hours I read and went on a run, in the afternoon I painted while listening to worship music, and tonight some friends are coming over to manuscript a bible passage.  Today was a day that I sensed the Spirit inviting me to stop and breathe and be.

My to-do list is still very long.

My anxiety over New Student Outreach approaching is still very high.

There are still emails to send and students to meet with and books to read and talks to write.

But I'm learning that in this career of full time ministry, it's easy to always be busy because the work never actually ends.  I'm learning that in order for me to be effective for the Kingdom, I need space to be filled up.

So today, I said "yes" to God giving me that space.

Space in solitude.  Space with Jesus.  Space to breathe now that the swim season has ended and before NSO begins.  Space to sleep and recover from the sickness that dragged my body down over the past few days.

And in this moment, I'm very much aware of the grace that's all around.  There is grace in the cool summer breeze, grace in the sound of cicadas, grace in the view that I have in this backyard, grace in the fact that for the very first time this summer I actually don't feel tired.

It's easy to see grace in the slower rhythms.

I think that in the whirlwind of this summer, on most fast-paced days I missed the grace that was all around.  I would squint and have trouble seeing it, but it was there, abounding.  Because there was grace in every "ready, go!" I shouted to my swimmers on the wall, grace in those afternoons we got caught in the rain on the pool deck, grace in the traffic jams I sat in on Staten Island when I just wanted to be home and asleep, grace in the office work that left me yearning for human interaction.

I learned (the hard way, I think) of my need to notice His grace in any rhythm, not just the slow ones.

This year is going to be full, of ministry and responsibility and intentionality.  But I think that there is an invitation there for it to also be full of love and joy and peace, despite a busy schedule or circumstances that are out of my control.

I think there's an invitation to be aware of Him, always, because He's the only one who wholly fills and loves.  Oh, to practice the presence of God.  This summer taught me that I'm not as good at it as I once thought.

But there is forgiveness and mercy and grace and the opportunity to start again, right now.  The choice to notice, to celebrate, to love, to play.  And I think that these four things are always available, even in the hard or the long days, because they are all a grace given by Him.

Spirit, be so present around me. (& in me.)

Let me be so aware of You that You seem tangible in any moment.

Let my life be lived into and out of Your grace, in every season and every rhythm.