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I have tried several times in the past 24 hours to make a post, but my mind is swarming with too many things to update about!  I could talk about my amazing week at Outer Banks with Ruth, Matt, Sharon, and Steve.  I could mention how I went to graduation and watched so many wonderful friends close the chapter that we all know and love as undergrad.  I could talk about the amazingness (yes, I realize this is not a real word, Merriam Webster) that was Rockbridge:  the week-long retreat that IV goes on during the beginning of summer.  I could tell you all how God answered numerous prayers of mine while there, blessed so many relationships, and really got me excited for next year by facilitating C-Team (& Jess!)'s planning/bonding times.  I could also chat about the past week, which I spent as a gypsy, bouncing from house to house in NOVA, Fredericksburg, and Baltimore.

Alas, I will settle on a simple story that occurred yesterday on my final trip home.

As a small piece of background information, I will tell you that my car has been giving me problems for a little over a year.  It shakes really bad, something that is hard to describe unless you are sitting in it and experiencing it first-hand.  I've taken it in to be inspected more than once and no one can ever figure out what's wrong, and as the miles have gone by over the past year, the problem has just gotten worse and worse.  When I came back from Rockbridge, I noticed that my car felt extra unsafe, and I was not sure if I would even make it home without it breaking down.  So, I decided to start my journey north a little earlier in the week than I had hoped.  I stopped in Baltimore (the halfway point) for a couple of nights to hang out with Lindsey.  Yesterday, I finally prepared myself to finish the trip home.

I took Lindsey to her morning class and she was surprised at how my car felt.  The shaking was ridiculously bad and I was terrified to even be behind the wheel.  When I got on I-95 North, I spent the first twenty minutes of my journey praying that God would just keep me safe.  I was finally beginning to relax and realize that all I could do was place my trust in God's hands when I heard it.  Thump.  My eyes widened and I probably looked like a deer in headlights; I had no idea what was going to happen.  I gripped onto the steering wheel as hard as I could but I could feel myself slowly begin to lose control of the car.  Thump.  My whole body turned hot and I was screaming inside, Jesus PLEASE keep me safe!

I pulled over and sat, catching my breath.  I was on the side of I-95 North, right near an exit ramp.  Every time a car went past me at 70 mph my poor little car shook from the wind.  I was scared to death.  Of course no one I called was answering their phones.  Finally I got a hold of my dad and I just began sobbing to him on the phone, explaining my circumstance.  I was about 100 miles from home.  I think my initial thoughts were, "C'mon, God, really?!  Really??  You couldn't have just allowed me to get home in one piece?  You couldn't have just had my car fixed during one of the times I brought it into the shop?  I don't have money for a towing fee, I don't have money to repair my car, and if worse comes to worse I DEFINITELY don't have money to buy a new car!  AND to top it off, God, my car is currently filled with my belongings from moving out of my apartment and three bags of Jessie's belongings that I told her I'd take home with me. NOW WHAT?"

While I was freaking out to my dad on the phone, one of those maintenance trucks pulled up behind me.  This guy got out and told me the rear tire had blown out and asked if I needed help.  He changed it with my spare for free and then told me I could either chance getting home with the spare tire (spares are only designed to last like 50 miles or so) and my car would get towed if it blew out, or I could go right now and buy a new tire.

Well, this was a conundrum.  I drove off the exit ramp that I was so close to and pulled into a parking lot.  You see, my car was still shaking really bad and I still felt really unsafe driving it.  There was something hanging off of the back of my car that was rubbing the back of my tire.  Whatever it is was slowly melting away and digging into my tire.  And the thing is, I'm sure that piece of metal was only a symptom of the real problem.  My car could still break down on my way home (from whatever is causing it to shake) OR this piece of metal could dig into the new tire, causing yet another one to blow out.  So in my mind, this ruled out the possibility of buying a new tire (because why would I buy one that might break on my way home, anyway?).  So after talking to my dad, we decided that he would head to where I was.  We would put all of my things and all of Jessie's things in his truck and then he would drive my car home (on the spare tire) and I would follow closely behind in his truck.  That way, if my car needed to be towed my belongings would be safely in his car and I wouldn't be alone on the highway.  So I waited in Maryland for my dad.  I walked around, listened to a sermon, and sat in McDonald's to read a book (did I mention it was thunder storming during this time?).

My dad came, and we made it home!!!! My car is currently in the shop.

Now, I could be really mad that I don't have a car right now (it is pretty annoying because in Ewing, you really can't walk anywhere).  I could also be mad because if they can't figure out what's wrong with my car, I'm not sure if I'll be able to buy a new one... and I would need to figure out rides to my summer jobs/summer classes, and then rides to work once I am back in Fredericksburg.  But the thing is if I honestly look at this situation, I can't help but notice that God answered all of my prayers!  He kept me safe, brought a very nice Samaritan to change my tire for free, held the rain off during my walk to McDonald's (it only rained when I was sitting in my car and when I was sitting in McDonald's), and got my car home in one piece even though it was against all odds (a towing fee to where I was in Maryland would have been about $500).

The Lord has also really been teaching me lessons about money this year.  My whole life, I've been pretty greedy when it comes to finances and I don't always honor the Lord with the things I spend my money on (tanning, clothes that I probably don't need, getting my hair highlighted, etc).  It is easy, when you have money, to always want something more and to get caught up in thinking that the things of this world are more important than they actually are.  We, more easily than we'd like to admit, can grow to be so jealous of the people that have the things "we want" (even if these people don't know Jesus at all).  And once you think one thing of the world is "necessary," you can fall into a terrible cycle of slowly letting the world overtake your mind and soul.  1 Timothy 6:9-11 says, Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction.  For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.  Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.  But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness.

This past semester my wallet was stolen, my car grew to be pretty busted, my dad stopped paying for my groceries, my hours got cut back at work, etc.  I feel that God is molding me into the place where I will need to be when I graduate.  He is slowly teaching me that money doesn't actually matter and that I need to just be content in the fact that He is keeping me safe and guiding my life.  I need to let go of the things of this world and just live to glorify Him alone.  And I need to trust that He will provide money when it is necessary (i.e. if it is necessary that I have a car, I need to trust Him to either fix mine or provide the means of acquiring a new one).  Matthew 6:31-33 says, So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?"  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Perhaps God's teaching me about money because He knows what my finances will be like in five years.  Perhaps I will not be making my grand sum of money as an occupational therapist like I always hoped I would (not that I wanted to be an OT for the salary, though it was a plus to the career).  Perhaps the Lord has different plans for my life; and I'm beginning to see what He might want me to do immediately following undergrad.  But that brings us to another entry for another day.

Junior Year of College is Over?!

As the school year has come to close I've been replaying it over and over again in my head.  How have I grown spiritually?  What are the areas that I still need significant refining in?  I realized that while last year I grew extremely rapidly externally after I accepted Christ, this year I grew at the same crazy fast pace--only I grew more internally than externally.  Which means that while it may not be as evident to everyone around me, I know that God still is acting pretty speedy in my growth process.  I feel like when I accepted Christ, He was like, "Okay Alyssa, let's go. C'mon. We don't have time to slow down. There's a reason I perused you. I want you and have plans for you. So let's learn and grow. NOW." And then this year, every single strong Christian friend that I looked up to was simultaneously plucked out of my life (because they either graduated or moved away or got married) and it forced me to, rather than bring my "Christian questions" to them, bring them to God.  And because of that, I've grown tremendously this year, as well.  It's as if God was like, "Yeah I'm glad we're at this point in such a short time, but we don't have time to slow down. There's a place I need you to be in by the time you graduate so let's go go go. No time to slow down."

I picture us in a car, speeding down an empty highway--me sitting in the passenger seat, having zero idea where God is taking me, but knowing that He's driving us away from my old life as fast as He can.

Destination? Not for me to know.

However, this does not mean that I am always moving forward.  Many times I find myself taking two steps forward, shortly followed by one step back.  The past month of my life was CRAZY packed with school things, namely for my physiological psychology class.  My group had to run our experiment and we were in Chandler for about 10-12 hours each day.  Analyzing data took even longer and after we finally each wrote our extremely long papers about our findings, we had to present at the Psi Chi Symposium.  I could go on and on about the time I spent on this one class in the past month-- but that's not the point I'm trying to make.  The point is that literally 20 hours of my day was spent working on school work, and I was lucky if I even was rewarded with 4 hours of sleep at night.  Needless to say, my quiet times were pretty nonexistent.  I learned more in physio psych than I did in three years of college, I had the experience of a lifetime when I watched all the stress/tears come together and our project finally seemed whole at the symposium, I became great friends with my lab group (RARL!), and I realized that I finally found the academic subject I am passionate about learning (the brain!).  While this was all going on and I am so thankful for the opportunity to be in this class, I let it sort of control my life for the past month.  It's okay that I was consumed with school (I'm paying for an education, I might as well be learning and doing productive things!), but it's not okay that I didn't also find time for God.  For awhile, I was running on previous quiet times and sermons and readings of Scripture.  Regardless of the craziness, my faith was still strong--I even prayed over my group before we gave our talk at Psi Chi.  But not after long, I had nothing else to run on and I needed to be fed spiritually.  And once the week of final exams hit, I was back to old habits and unconcerned thoughts.  I felt myself falling away and the worst part was I didn't seem to care.

I'm currently at Outer Banks (in an AWESOME beach house!) with Matt and Ruth.  Yesterday we went on the beach to throw a Frisbee and for awhile, I sat on the sand staring out at the ocean, praying.  I felt miserable for putting God on the back burner the past few weeks.  I began to push some semi-damp sand up into a little mountain with my hands.  When I took my hands away some of the sand immediately fell down the sides, ruining the architecture.  As soon as I saw the sand rushing down, I quickly pushed it back up and held it into place as hard as I could.  I repeated this process for several minutes.

We are the sand--so prone to falling away.  If we are not in direct contact with God (the hands) at all times, small parts of us will immediately erode.  And if we don't allow God to put those pieces back in place, the entire mountain will eventually diminish.  But regardless of how long we resist His hands, He is so eager to mold us back into this sculpture that He wants for us.

God is driving the car.  He is in control.  We just need to make sure we let Him in daily, no matter the school work or personal stress we have going on.  And He will shape us into the image that He deems fit for the plans He has for us.