On the Go

go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. this has been my life the past two months.

I'm on "the go" so much that there is a mesh of emotions swirling around in me.  It's as if someone pressed the start button on the blender of my life and they keep adding circumstances and responsibilities and feelings and struggles... forgetting to turn it off and let it settle in between adding ingredients.  So nothing gets sorted out, nothing gets dealt with.  And I feel my patience wearing thin.  I feel myself waking up and going to bed exhausted 7 days a week.  I feel myself ready to break down.  But I don't have time to deal with it.  I haven't even had time to have the prayer life that I had been so consistent in.  And without taking it to God everything has just gotten worse.  The blender is spinning, spinning, spinning.

I've lost control.

About five minutes ago I received an email from InterVarsity and upon opening it, the one thought that kept flashing through my mind was, "Oh no."  Panic was beginning to strike.  I couldn't even read the email.  I got the general gist of it and forwarded it to our new staff worker because they sent it to our old one by mistake.  That's literally all I could do.  I couldn't read it because I couldn't comprehend the words.  Though the lack of an ability to read may have been due to exhaustion, I know it was mainly due to the fact that I suddenly jumped into freak-out mode.  I can't do this.  I can't lead a chapter.  I'm not ready.  This summer went by way too fast; there is still so much I need to do before this year starts.  I'm moving into my apartment two weeks from today and I still have so many logistical things to do before I'm ready for IV to start.  I'm not where I wanted to be in my summer IV to-do list.

My heart isn't where I wanted it to be.

I had the idea in my head that I was going to clean out my heart this summer.  Take a leaf blower and just get rid of all the junk.  I knew I'd still enter the school year with struggles and trials, I mean none of us can ever be perfect.  But I wanted Jesus to work some miracles on me and just lift everything off of me before I stepped into this position.  I wanted my strongholds to be broken.  I barely feel like a dent was made on my heart's purifying process.  If anything, God showed me more areas of my heart that need cleaning.

I'm sure The Housekeeper has done a ton of dirty work this summer, even if I can't see it.  And I know that through the mess God can still use me to lead, just like He used Jacob in his imperfections (Genesis 25-35).  It is just sometimes so hard for me to see that when I feel so lazy and sinful and careless.

And broken.

Lord please cleanse my heart in the next two weeks, even in the midst of me being on "the go."  Help me press the stop button on this blender and sort out all the little pieces that are now ripped to shreds.  I want to grab onto the promises You have for me and cling to them, rather than let the current of the blender--the ways of this world--break me more and more apart.  Help me bring this mush to solid again.  I want to be solid and whole again.  I want to be more like Christ.