2 Years Old Today

Two years ago tonight I asked Jesus to change my heart and decided to give my life to Him.  I didn't really know what it meant to follow Him, but I asked Him to work with me while I tried to figure it out.  Up until that night I had spent the majority of my life miserable.  My facebook status that I had posted on this morning two years ago was actually, "worst mood ever lately."  I was LOST.  I was about ready to give up.  I was actually seriously considering dropping out of college that  morning when I posted that status, probably an indication of the suicidal point I had reached.

My blog entry two nights after I asked Christ to help me change was simple.  It was a prayer that stemmed from the first large group talk of the semester, which had occurred just five days before I gave it all to God.  I had spent the prior 6 months hearing the Gospel and had to pick a side:  for it or against it.  I couldn't stand on this middle, lukewarm ground anymore.  I needed to either be all in or walk away.  And I knew that previously in life, without living for Christ, I was emo and "darkness" (as my high school friends called me by name) and hated life.  I knew that whatever life I had been choosing to live just wasn't working.  My blog read:  "I've been here for about two weeks.  A week ago today someone challenged me in a way I didn't think anyone ever would. Now, I realize that I have been living 19 years in a way that I don't want to live. I want to learn to live in a new light. Please, teach me.  Funny how one person can say one thing that can completely changes your outlook on life... possibly forever."

The next entry in my old blog began with this paragraph: "Three weeks ago today I made the decision to stop living for myself.  I have been so much happier. I've had friends come up to me, even ones that I wasn't as close with last year and say, 'Alyssa, I've known you for a year and I have NEVER seen you this happy.' I've had people on more than one occasion ask me if I'm drunk because I'll be so... giddy (which you all know is so unlike me). I have a feeling that if people who have only known me for a year see a change, my friends at home definitely should. And if not then I guess they don't know me that well to begin with."

Photo at the fall retreat with the people that helped lead me to Christ (yay IV!) This was taken around the same time as the second blog post that I quoted.

That still holds true in my life.  I've been so joyous the past two years that I was shocked when I even read that old blog entry.  Sometimes I forget that I even was "darkness."  Sometimes the dark parts don't even seem like a part of my life--they feel like a movie I once watched--because they are so opposite of my current life:  the life I live for Christ.  I truly am a new creation. 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! -- 2 Corinthians 5:17

And tonight, on the anniversary of my "second birthday" I was at my first large group as InterVarsity Chapter President.  I was worshiping Jesus and praising Him for the radical (and almost unbelievable) work He did--and continues to do--in my life.

 It really is almost unbelievable--sometimes my testimony even astonishes me.  No one, including myself, would have thought two years ago today that I would one day be on leadership, let alone be making arrangements to apply for ministry positions for post-graduation.  I didn't just used to be a crazy, party girl (which was also true...) but I was damaged... I mean years and years of layered psychological damage.  I truly am a new creation.

As Lecrae would say in two of his songs...

But I ain't fixed myself, ain't turn myself around.  I gave it up and told the Lord that He could have it now.

Yeah a new swag, new walk, new focus. It's all Christ, not me, no boastin.

And so I entered large group tonight as the new creation that I am-- transformed and redeemed.  Sometimes I feel inadequate as Chapter President.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm even supposed to be in this position.  I wonder if I'm even helping out the Kingdom.

But in times when I'm doubting God's ability to work through me I have to remember John 15:16--  You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.

Christ chose me and pursued me until I gave my life to Him because He loves me.  Because He has a purpose for my life and that purpose is good and for His glory.

So Lord thank You for saving me.  Thank You for redeeming me.  Thank You for loving me and forgiving me despite the terrible things I've done, continue to do, and will do in the future.  And please help me to bear fruit that will last this year as Chapter President.  Help me to spread the Gospel to my campus.  Because I want everyone to know You like I do.  I want everyone's lives to be as radically transformed as mine was.

Lamentations 3:19-21 is seriously my life in a nutshell:  I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.  I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope.

I remember how lost I was for 19 years and it saddens me when I read old journal entries or see the scars that still linger on my wrists.  But I will rejoice when these reminders are brought to my attention because it reminds me of the miracle that Christ has worked in my life.  And I have hope that I will not only continue to progress in my walk with Him, but I also have hope that I will see my friends' and family's lives changed.  The Lord has the power to change anyone's heart.  I have hope that my campus will one day come to know Him.


Jesus... I just love You.