Habituated to the World

Sometimes I can be so oblivious to how encapsulated I am in the world that surrounds me.  I don't even realize the ways I think, speak, and act are all influenced by this tainted society.  I have become desensitized to so much that should make me cringe.  Many lyrics in songs, scenes in movies, and activities that my friends partake in for some reason just seem "normal" to me.  Maybe part of this is because I grew up learning the ways of the world, before I knew Christ.  But maybe each one of us feels a little enslaved to the world.  Living in this world but not becoming part of it is the most difficult task, because it can consume us so easily.

After the Israelites were brought out of slavery in Egypt, they complained that they wish they were back in Egypt because they missed the food that they had while there.  Exodus 16: 3 says:  The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt!  There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death."

I think those things all the time.  I know how miserable I was before coming to know Christ, and yet I sometimes can be jealous of the people that can do anything they want with no sense of guilt... as absurd as that sounds!  Though I obviously don't want to be enslaved again, I sometimes crave the "perks"-- the instant gratifications-- that being enslaved offers.

But I think the point is that I still am enslaved to sin!  I am just like the Israelites because my entire thought process is backwards.  I am so affected by this world and by the lusts of it.  My identity since birth (until a little over a year ago, anyway) was built on the world, and so it has become stitched into me.  I can't just sit here and complain and say, "Oh well, I'll never be pure like my friends that were raised Christian." NO. I need to do something about it.

Step one is obviously praying about it. But step two?  I need to cleanse myself of this world (as much as possible while still living in it, of course).  I need to slowly take a needle and take out those wrongly stitched pieces.  And yes, this process will be long and aggravating.  I mean, when you mess up isn't taking the wrong stitch out always more annoying than putting a new stitch in?  When I accepted Christ I took out some of the wrong stitches, but mostly I just added all the new right ones.  I need to backtrack now and finish the job of weeding out the ways the world has affected me.  If I change my thought process, then my actions will change with it.

The first few things on my to-do list are to stop listening to dirty songs and watching inappropriate TV shows.  Right now those things only make me crave the "perks" of being enslaved, just like the Israelites.  I need to do this until I no longer feel numb to those stimuli.  Until my thought processes change.  Until my stitchings are only that of which God has sewn.

Coming Home for Winter Break

So I finished my last final around 10am on Thursday morning.  Since then I have visited friends and caught up with a few people that I did a pretty lousy job at staying in contact with over the past semester.  I finally walked in the door to my house in New Jersey late last night.

Coming home is always an interesting event for me, especially when it is for a long break such as this.  The first few days are a constant battle between me and God, usually of me screaming, "WHY DOES MY LIFE HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS, LORD?" And Him answering with, "Trust Me, Beloved." And the anger usually then subsides into acceptance and eagerness to go back to Virginia.  I never feel content about being here.  Actually, I rarely ever fully unpack my bags.  Maybe I have some subconscious thought that if I don't actually unpack, it means that I don't have to accept this as a home for x amount of days.  I never really move in, physically or emotionally.  I never let my heart feel at peace with the situation, probably because I never actually trust God with the whole thing.

Although my family/home life is completely different now, I need to stop feeling bitter about it.  My sister and I got along so well over Thanksgiving break and so I need to feel relaxed and just try to have fun with her, rather than be so angry with her and my dad.  She's hilarious.  Today we had a conversation that went something like this...

Kirsten:  Do you wanna get your ears pierced?  Let's go and do that today.  I want mine pierced.  Wait you could sign for me, right?

Me:  No I could probably go to jail!! I have to be your legal guardian to sign for you.

Kirsten:  Well... couldn't we make you my legal guardian?  I mean, we'd just have to sign some papers, right?  Like, it doesn't cost anything does it?

Me:  YOU WANT ME TO ADOPT YOU?!?!!?!?!?

Kirsten:  Yeah, it doesn't cost anything, right?

[I stare blankly at her]

Kirsten:  It would help me out because Dad always forgets to sign my report cards.

Me:  KIRSTEN. YOU DON'T WANT ME TO BE YOUR MOTHER. I WOULD GROUND YOU FOR NOT CLEANING THE BATHROOM.

Kirsten:  Yeah, true. Plus you'd hold it over my head like "OoOoOo you have to do this because I'm your legal guardian." And Dad would be pissed at us.

Me:  Kir, Dad would never sign you over to me.

Kirsten:  You both can't be my guardians?

Me:  NO!!! NOT UNLESS WE ARE MARRIED.  I don't think so anyway.  You're not like... entitled to two parents just because you are a US citizen.

Kirsten:  Ohhhh...

.......................... lol seriously? I was actually asked today by my sister to adopt her.  And she thought it would be an easy process.  I think she bases her legal knowledge off of the movie Matilda.

Anyway, I need to pray through some things over break.  To pray through not being so angry at my dad or sister or God.  To pray to make this place home again.  I need to make sure that I'm reading Scripture daily because I know this break is going to be one huge spiritual battle.  I am a rope and Satan keeps trying to play tug-o-war with God over me.

I won't let him have the satisfaction of winning because I am a child of Christ.

Finals

It's here.  The week where everyone on campus wears sweatpants daily.  The week where the nest is completely sold out of food because everyone is trying to use every last meal and flex dollar.  The week where some people discover there actually is a library on our campus (imagine that!).  The week where my face breaks out in painful stress pimples.  WELCOME TO FINAL EXAMS.

It's really ridiculous what I will do to be successful in procrastination.  Last night Jessie and I painted my nails while we watched back-to-back episodes of 16 and Pregnant.  It wasn't even a good life decision because they looked like a three year old painted them.  It's kind of a shame that I have lived to be twenty years old and have not fully grasped the concept of neatly brushing paint onto my nails.  Today I was even more shameful.  Not only did I create this blog, but I also watched an episode of Desperate Housewives, calculated if it was possible for me to double major in biology and psychology and graduate (on time), and stared at a nice looking spot on the wall for way longer than it deserves credit for.

So all in all, I'm not fully prepared for my exams, but hey, are any of us really ever 100 percent?  So why do we let this week run our lives?  I mean yes, it probably is just a fact that during finals week school will consume our time, but it should not control our emotions.  We get way too worked up over knowing every little, gritty detail and over the possibility of not earning As.

Matthew 6:27  "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

Grades aren't the most important thing in life anyway.  My prize is in Heaven.