Just Go.

I know, I know.  Lack of posts.  Life just gets so crazy sometimes.  I've been trying to stay on top of my school work, working two jobs, being on leadership, dealing with the stolen wallet situation... and as if things couldn't get crazier I came down with the worst cold EVER yesterday (of course the one day I have a presentation, right?).  I was so sick today that I actually called out from work and I don't ever do that.

And so I spent the day in my bed, in an almost constant state of blowing my nose and coughing while I try to memorize the labels of structures on a brain (PATHETIC SIGHT).

glimpse into my day

I spoke on the phone for about a total of 30 minutes today and in that time my body decided that talking was much too difficult in its current state.  So when I went to see a (free) movie on campus with my friends, I had that I-almost-lost-my-voice-so-I-sound-like-I-was-up-the-night-before-screaming-at-a-concert raspy lil thing going on. I still sound that way, might I add.

But it's a good thing that even when we've lost our voices, God still hears our prayers.  I have spent the past week in worried prayer because I have reached the "decision making time" on three important issues.  I made one decision yesterday concerning rooming for next year and I'm waiting for conformation from God that it was the right one.  I'm nervous that I was too quick to act, or that someone is going to end up not too happy with the choice I made.  I think I just need to learn to give it over to God, and trust that He has everything under control, even if it seems the whole world is mad at me.  I also was in a total state of anxiety today regarding my summer plans (hence the two conversations I had on the phone that drained my voice).  There is a lot more detail to it, but to sum up the conundrum:  I was deciding between taking a great-paying job at home (which is not a place I really enjoy being...) and applying for a once-in-a-lifetime internship opportunity at a church in Texas with leading pastors in the country.  My decision needed to be made today for various reasons.  When I logged onto the church website to print out the application it said, "All female internship opportunities for Summer 2011 have been filled."

I literally stared at the words in disbelief for probably 30 seconds.  I was so bummed because that was the route that I really wanted my summer to take.  I had been praying very earnestly for the past 48 hours that by the end of the weekend God would show me the path He wanted me to take.  I was getting frustrated because I was waiting for some supernatural sign of what He wanted me to do.  And then, the Lord closed that door for me.

I oftentimes do that.  I wait for God to just make my mind up for me.  I hate the fact that I have free will sometimes because I'm so afraid that my will won't match with His will and that I'll make the wrong choice.  But I think what I learned tonight is that as long as we are walking with Christ and praying for His will to be done in our lives, God will close the doors that need closing and open the doors that He wants to give us as possibilities.  As long as we are seeking the Lord, it doesn't necessarily matter the road we take as long as we are walking along that road WITH Him.  His will is that we simply seek Him.  And He will most definitely close the doors that need closing, but it's up to us to trust that He will close those doors.  It's up to us to believe that out of the paths laid out in front of us there is no possible way for us to choose the "wrong one" because Jesus will close the ones He doesn't want us going down.  For example, I'm sure God just wants me to be home with my family this summer.  He wants me to try and work things out with them.  He doesn't care if I work at camp or lifeguard or nanny-- He just wants me at home.  And then when I choose which door to go through (camp, lifeguarding, nannying, etc) He will use that to bless me and bring me witnessing opportunities and growth opportunities.

I need to stop expecting God to send me a huge, flashy sign with blinking lights and theme music playing that tells me what to do every time a conflicting idea arises.  I need to trust that if I am about to commit to something that God doesn't want me to do He will either close the door completely or give me spiritual discernment through the Holy Spirit.  And that goes the other way around too, so don't get me wrong.  Sometimes, God does want us to do one specific thing.  He might want us to join one specific missionary program in South Africa, or go to one specific college, or marry one specific person.  But I also have to trust that if I am encountering one of those "specific" situations that I will know the answer via the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:27).  And even if I don't catch Him tugging at my heart the first time, He will come back around and tug again until I listen.  I need to just stop worrying about so much in my life.  God's totally in control-- nothing I can do can mess up His will.  So the next time I'm freaking out because I don't feel like God is answering my prayer about which decision to make, I need to just commit to something and ask the Lord to bring glory to His name through it.

Isaiah 30:21:  And your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left.

Just go.  Whichever path, take Christ's hand and walk down it.

Stolen Wallet

Today I worked all day and during my break from noon-1pm I went to Panera with Steph, Meg, and Meg's friend Mel (who is visiting from JMU).  It was so jam-packed crowded in there and I followed my usual routine:  ordered food, threw my coat and purse down to reserve a table, picked up my food when my buzzer went off, filled up my drink, and finally sat back down.  I was in a great mood because of some really awesome conversations with customers that morning at work.  Sometimes I can really feel God working at Borders because He brings me so many people that give me their testimonies while I'm helping them pick out books.  It really blows my mind every time.  And so I was sharing some of the inspiring stories with my friends over the famous broccoli cheddar soup.  When I looked at the time and realized we needed to get back to Borders, we all stood up and threw out our trash.  That's when I realized it.

My wallet was not in my purse.  At first I  F.R.E.A.K.E.D.O.U.T.!  We talked to the manager, traced my steps, dug through the trash.  It was gone.  And I realized that someone must have taken it out of my purse while I was getting my food.  I was so angry and upset.  For one, I really REALLY loved that wallet.  It was a clutch that I got for $7 at Forever 21 freshman year.  It was snake-skin looking with pretty blotches of blues and yellows.  I was always complimented on it.  Another thing was that I had about $300 worth of gift cards in that wallet.  (Goodbye guiltless money spent at Victoria's Secret and GAP.)  The most annoying thing to me was that my license and UMW ID were in that bag.  The license is going to be really frustrating to replace because according to the Fredericksburg police, I have to go in person to the New Jersey DMV (but I won't be home for three weeks because that's when spring break starts).  The UMW ID is just going to be a nuisance until I can replace it:  I can't get into my apartment building without it, I can't do laundry without it, and I can't eat on campus without it.  And the worst part was that my debit card was in that wallet.

And so I immediately call my dad.  I'm emotional and freaking out and yelling and on the verge of tears.  He calls the bank while I go back to work and freezes 2 of my 3 accounts (the third I have to go in person to do on Monday).  To make a long story short, everything is currently being figured out.  I called the bank and the Fredericksburg police right when I got off of work and they are processing everything.  Apparently another wallet was stolen at the same time as mine at Panera and other wallets have been stolen in the area this week (so they think it is the same guy and have a search for him).  Unfortunately, he used my debit card before my dad froze the accounts and spent $400 of my dollars.  Best part?  HE SPENT THE $400 AT CRACKER BARREL.  Cracker barrel.  When the woman from my bank told me that on the phone I DIED LAUGHING.  I said "Wait.. he spent $400 AT CRACKER BARREL?!"  She started laughing too, it was great hahaha.

I spent the first half hour angry and upset.  When I went back to work there was a very long line that lasted a consistent hour so I was stuck at the register.  I was mad that I had to deal with a constant flow of customers at a time like this.  That's when I realized... it was taking more energy for me to be angry when I could just be nice to the customers and laugh with my co-workers.  And I realized that it's not a huge deal.  Yes, I'm now down $700 and have to go through the annoying process of replacing my ID cards and dealing with the police... but it could be so much worse.  I mean, the person who stole my wallet took less than $1,000.  He could have spent ten times that.  I was lucky.  I also realized that I have always been way too stingy with my money.  It hurts me to even give up $5.  And in reality, that money isn't mine:  It's Christ's.  Everything good I have in my life is because He has given it to me.  Ultimately, it's His.  Not mine.  Job 1:21a says, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."  It's not my money to become angry over, it was a gift I had received from God that now He chooses to use in another way.  (Perhaps to teach me this lesson?)

The rest of my time at work I spent giggling with my co-workers and making the most of the busy afternoon.  When I got home, I wasn't the least bit affected by the morning's crime.  I was actually almost happy.  Glad to see the Lord teaching me so many things in just one day.  Thrilled to know that my security doesn't come with money:  It comes with my salvation in Christ.  When I walked in the door to my apartment, Steph and Meg were out to dinner for Allan's birthday but Meg's friend Mel was still on the couch.  She jumped up and began telling me how when they dropped me off at work after lunch they went back to Panera and tried to watch the surveillance cameras and gave my information to the manager.  Then they went to Walmart and bought me presents.  They bought me a HUGE case of diet coke (because it's my favorite!), three candles, a bag of Reese's Pieces, and a cute new wallet!!!  They even made me a card!

gifts I found in my room!

gift I found in the kitchen!

I realized how blessed I am to have people in my life that care about me.  It's not about material possessions.  It's about making the most out of life and living my life to glorify Jesus.  It's about having Christ so entwined into my day that I can never get away from Him.  It's about those awesome conversations I had this morning with customers.  It's about making work a happy place and joking with my co-workers.  It's about having friends that show me Christ by loving on me and allowing me to reciprocate that love back.

I lost my wallet and $700 and some ID cards today.  I gained wisdom, saw God working in my life and others' lives, and felt complete joy in the fact that my wallet was stolen because of the mere fact that I felt closer to Christ in that event.  Proverbs 3:13-14:  "Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold."  Guys that's just it!!  Do you see it?!  Your joy and security cannot be bought with this world.  Your retirement fund and your career cannot protect you from the craziness that surrounds us.  Only finding peace in the Lord can keep you safe.  I am so joyful when I see the Lord slowly giving me more wisdom and shaping me to be more like Christ.  I am so content in just falling to my knees in worship daily and surrendering my life to Him.  That's all I'm striving for.  That's where my hope is built.

"To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God.  This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." -- Ecclesiastes 2:26

Build yours there, too.  Nothing else even amounts to it.