Just Go.

I know, I know.  Lack of posts.  Life just gets so crazy sometimes.  I've been trying to stay on top of my school work, working two jobs, being on leadership, dealing with the stolen wallet situation... and as if things couldn't get crazier I came down with the worst cold EVER yesterday (of course the one day I have a presentation, right?).  I was so sick today that I actually called out from work and I don't ever do that.

And so I spent the day in my bed, in an almost constant state of blowing my nose and coughing while I try to memorize the labels of structures on a brain (PATHETIC SIGHT).

glimpse into my day

I spoke on the phone for about a total of 30 minutes today and in that time my body decided that talking was much too difficult in its current state.  So when I went to see a (free) movie on campus with my friends, I had that I-almost-lost-my-voice-so-I-sound-like-I-was-up-the-night-before-screaming-at-a-concert raspy lil thing going on. I still sound that way, might I add.

But it's a good thing that even when we've lost our voices, God still hears our prayers.  I have spent the past week in worried prayer because I have reached the "decision making time" on three important issues.  I made one decision yesterday concerning rooming for next year and I'm waiting for conformation from God that it was the right one.  I'm nervous that I was too quick to act, or that someone is going to end up not too happy with the choice I made.  I think I just need to learn to give it over to God, and trust that He has everything under control, even if it seems the whole world is mad at me.  I also was in a total state of anxiety today regarding my summer plans (hence the two conversations I had on the phone that drained my voice).  There is a lot more detail to it, but to sum up the conundrum:  I was deciding between taking a great-paying job at home (which is not a place I really enjoy being...) and applying for a once-in-a-lifetime internship opportunity at a church in Texas with leading pastors in the country.  My decision needed to be made today for various reasons.  When I logged onto the church website to print out the application it said, "All female internship opportunities for Summer 2011 have been filled."

I literally stared at the words in disbelief for probably 30 seconds.  I was so bummed because that was the route that I really wanted my summer to take.  I had been praying very earnestly for the past 48 hours that by the end of the weekend God would show me the path He wanted me to take.  I was getting frustrated because I was waiting for some supernatural sign of what He wanted me to do.  And then, the Lord closed that door for me.

I oftentimes do that.  I wait for God to just make my mind up for me.  I hate the fact that I have free will sometimes because I'm so afraid that my will won't match with His will and that I'll make the wrong choice.  But I think what I learned tonight is that as long as we are walking with Christ and praying for His will to be done in our lives, God will close the doors that need closing and open the doors that He wants to give us as possibilities.  As long as we are seeking the Lord, it doesn't necessarily matter the road we take as long as we are walking along that road WITH Him.  His will is that we simply seek Him.  And He will most definitely close the doors that need closing, but it's up to us to trust that He will close those doors.  It's up to us to believe that out of the paths laid out in front of us there is no possible way for us to choose the "wrong one" because Jesus will close the ones He doesn't want us going down.  For example, I'm sure God just wants me to be home with my family this summer.  He wants me to try and work things out with them.  He doesn't care if I work at camp or lifeguard or nanny-- He just wants me at home.  And then when I choose which door to go through (camp, lifeguarding, nannying, etc) He will use that to bless me and bring me witnessing opportunities and growth opportunities.

I need to stop expecting God to send me a huge, flashy sign with blinking lights and theme music playing that tells me what to do every time a conflicting idea arises.  I need to trust that if I am about to commit to something that God doesn't want me to do He will either close the door completely or give me spiritual discernment through the Holy Spirit.  And that goes the other way around too, so don't get me wrong.  Sometimes, God does want us to do one specific thing.  He might want us to join one specific missionary program in South Africa, or go to one specific college, or marry one specific person.  But I also have to trust that if I am encountering one of those "specific" situations that I will know the answer via the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:27).  And even if I don't catch Him tugging at my heart the first time, He will come back around and tug again until I listen.  I need to just stop worrying about so much in my life.  God's totally in control-- nothing I can do can mess up His will.  So the next time I'm freaking out because I don't feel like God is answering my prayer about which decision to make, I need to just commit to something and ask the Lord to bring glory to His name through it.

Isaiah 30:21:  And your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left.

Just go.  Whichever path, take Christ's hand and walk down it.