Moving Forward

The other night before I went to sleep I was going through my phone and deleting contacts that I no longer needed.  I hadn't cleared out my phone since probably sometime senior year of high school, and there were a good fifty names that needed to be removed.  I was moving along in alphabetical order, laughing at a few of the names that sparked goofy memories.  And then I got to it.  Mom.  I stared at the phone with the name highlighted for a long time.  I clicked on the contact and looked at the familiar number that my fingers will probably be able to dial by heart forever.  Should I delete it?  There isn't really an appropriate time to erase someone from your life.  Maybe I should keep it-- just one more year.  It's not like the contact information was taking up a huge amount of space on my memory card.  But why wouldn't I delete it?  What had I been holding onto for two years?  Keeping her name in my phone wasn't going to bring her back.

I let out a breath that I realized I'd been holding and continued staring at the phone.  I was trying to memorize the way the capitol "M" followed by the lowercase "om" looked-- something I used to write so frequently on the envelope of cards, but a combination of letters that had been removed from my life for two years.  Delete.  I put my phone down, rolled over so that I wouldn't have to look at the device that just removed a piece of history, and fell asleep.

When will my past stop haunting me?  God willing, I'm moving forward-- I know I am.  I feel myself constantly being refined, constantly hearing the call of where He wants me.  Home is slowly (but surely) getting better; this summer is worlds better than last.  But home still is not "where the heart is."  If my mom was here today would I feel so completed isolated from my family?  Would we be having financial problems?  Would my sister be in as much trouble as she gets herself into?  Would we have stopped going on family vacations at our beach house?  Would I have grown up so quickly over the course of college?  Would I be itching to move out of my parents' house?

Would I have accepted Christ?

These are questions that obviously cannot be answered.  When I think about where I am in my journey with Christ I am content, sometimes a little aggravated that I'm not moving faster, but content nonetheless.  I have learned to fully submit to God.  Even when the situation seems extremely bleak and I would not have picked the particular story-line, Romans 8:28 holds true.  I watched as my mother took her last breath.  I watched as my family fell apart in multiple directions.  And I watched as I simultaneously found joy.  Above all, I watched as God received the glory in the midst of everything.  I know my life is this way for a reason, but I can't help but long for the day that I'm not so bothered by my past.  So many things still pierce my heart to the point that I can still sometimes feel physical pain.  And sometimes I feel like a prisoner here in my home, in disbelief that the Lord has me trapped here for yet another summer.  I might not have open wounds anymore, but I still have distant scars that remind me of my past-- both literally and figuratively.

But, I deleted her number.  God is moving me forward.  At a very slow, glacier-like pace.  What I'm learning is that it's okay to have scars, as long as I say this is who I was and this is who I am because of God's grace on me.  My past, my problems, and my scars don't define me.

Galatians 2:20 says I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 

It's a simple lesson to read and say, but a hard one to learn.  I'm hoping that one day soon the pain will be gone and I'll be able to forgive myself 100 percent.  But until that day all I can do is be grateful each morning because, thanks be to God, I can feel myself one step closer to letting go, one step closer to not caring about the answers to those questions.  When I think about the plans for my post-college life I am ecstatic to potentially have the opportunity to work in ministry and serve God.  Over the past month, I literally have been going to bed each night excited to wake up and read Scripture because I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to mold me over the next day, month, and year.  I know what I want--the only thing I want--and that is to be made as Christ-like as possible while here on this earth.  I pray that the Lord continues to refine me.  All I want is to keep moving forward.