stories in the mess

Working two jobs and barely having time to even eat meals, chores were far from my radar this month. Not only did the unclean laundry pile up on my floor, but the Christmas presents (and wrapping paper) and the new fund development materials that InterVarsity sent me lined every inch of my floor.

Generally, my life is filled with clutter.  But when the messy becomes burdensome, something's gotta give.  For the past several days I was filled with worry any time I hopped out of my room that I would sprain my ankle in my attempts at dodging clothes and important (oops) documents and whatever else layered the floor.

And so a safe path in and out of my room became my project for Saturday.

Never mind the dirty laundry--that task was easy.  It was putting order to the work material that made me want to pull my hair out.  Before I could even think about organizing it (which I haven't really gotten to yet) I had to thoroughly clean out my desk.

But in an afternoon that I had been dreading for weeks, I found a sort of peace.  Somewhere amidst the messy, stories of my life danced about.

I found pictures from my toddler years that I held in my hand and remembered how small and innocent and pure I was back then.

When in doubt, assume I'm the one in the Wizard of Oz gear.

I boxed up photos from my middle school years and my heart broke when I thought of the downward spiral that began for me sometime in those "tween" days.

I threw away memories from my darkest late high school/early college years that I did not want to keep.  But I looked at each photo first.  And I allowed my mind to trail back to that standstill in time.  And I wasn't just throwing away pictures.  I was throwing away stories.

One by one, I threw away my past.  Sin by sin.  Heartbreak by heartbreak.  I let them go.

And after a garbage bag was full of trash and a box was labeled and ready for the attic, I pushed those snapshots away from my life.  My past may have led me along the way, but it sure doesn't define me anymore.  I have been washed.  I have been cleaned.

I am a new creation.

Amid the physical messiness of my room, the messiness of the timeline of my life and the past brokenness of my spirit emerged.  I emptied those desk drawers and boxed up those old albums so that I could fill those drawers with my Scriptural references and InterVarsity material.

Throwing out the old to make room for the new.

As I added my last stack of fund development cards and closed the drawer, I could tangibly see that.  Over the past several years, Jesus had one-by-one been removing my past and working on my heart to make room for this new life.

To make room for Him.

My room?  Still pretty cluttered.  My heart?  Still pretty messy.

But there's a pathway through my room now.  And I don't have to be afraid of twisting my ankle.  A pathway that leads me right to my King.

Your Presence

Twice in the past twenty four hours I have felt the presence of God around me like never before.  Last night I was laying in my bed, reading a book about a missionary, and all of a sudden the air felt thick with His presence.  Jesus was there.  I knew it.

I was afraid to move, unsure if it would cause this intimate interaction with Him to break.  I averted my gaze from the pages of my book and looked around my room.  Physically I couldn't see Him, but it felt like His Spirit was completely enveloping me.

And then today as I was praying out loud in the same spot on my bed where I encountered Him last night, I felt Him again.  It wasn't as strong of a sixth sense as it had been the previous night, but this time I heard answers to my prayers.  I literally sat on my bed conversing with Jesus.  I didn't hear an audible voice, but words were being spoken to me--something that I realize sounds strange but I don't know how else to explain it.  I've only ever really heard Jesus in this way a few times before and most of those times were with really big decisions.  This conversation wasn't about a big decision.  I was simply feeling tempted by my flesh and He responded to my cries for help.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

About a week ago, I felt attacked by the enemy and in a helpless spiritual state.  Chains needed to be broken.  Action needed to be taken.  But I was afraid to move.

You see, it's easy to become stagnant in certain areas of your walk.  Not wanting to give over that (be it time, energy, a specific sin, etc).  Wanting the road to always be "easy."  Never wanting to engage in battle.  But the truth is, it's impossible to progress if something is stagnant.  Actually I would argue that stagnancy isn't even actually possible.  If you feel stuck in the day-to-day, I would argue that you are moving backwards.  You are either drawing closer to God or farther from Him.  Living in a sinful world, it's impossible to just stay the same.

Additionally, the more I took steps toward these battle-lines of ministry that I now find myself in, the more the enemy made it his objective to take me out.

After many conversations (with friends and with Jesus) and many tears, I finally broke.  I finally gave in to Him.  I finally started wrestling with my sin from a place of victory instead of a place of uncertainty (1 Corinthians 15:57; 2 Peter 1:3).

I finally started taking seriously my spiritual disciplines and carving out multiple devotional times a day.   I started taking seriously the way that the world affects me and have been averting my attention from particular sensory input that my brain receives throughout the day.

And let me tell you friends, it has made all the difference.

I believe that because I've allowed myself to be diligent in spending time with Jesus this week, I was able to be in-tune to the Spirit like I have never been before.  I'm not special or important.  Jesus didn't reveal Himself clearly to me twice in the past 24 hours because I'm a saint (trust me, I'm far from one).

The reality is, He's always been there.  I just had chosen to ignore Him most of the time.  I've been known to not give Him the hang out time that He deserves and to allow one too many things to slide into what I permit to infect my mind.  As soon as I started to engage in that battle and fight the input that I was receiving from the world... as soon as I started to truly give time to spending with Jesus... the cloud that the world had put around my senses was lifted.

And I was free to feel Him and hear from Him.

Lesson learned:  Don't ever think that I "have it under control" for a week and can go a few days without allotting any time for Jesus.

He is Lord.  And He wants to spend time with me each day.  And He will do whatever it takes to bring me back to Him when He sees me going in my own direction.  He pursues me even when I don't pursue Him.

Talk about amazing grace.

I breathe You in

I lay still in this open room.

I breathe in.

And out.

Slowly,

   Deeply.

      Eyes closed.

I breathe You in, God.

Because You surround me.

This air is light.

It has become so

                     natural

without the humdrum of

                               normal.

Laying down these swords that fight the battles.

For now,

For today,

I will lay here.

(Still.)

With You.

For now,

For today,

I will breathe out the aroma of war,

And breathe in You.

As You fill me up to send me out.