I was afraid to move, unsure if it would cause this intimate interaction with Him to break. I averted my gaze from the pages of my book and looked around my room. Physically I couldn't see Him, but it felt like His Spirit was completely enveloping me.
And then today as I was praying out loud in the same spot on my bed where I encountered Him last night, I felt Him again. It wasn't as strong of a sixth sense as it had been the previous night, but this time I heard answers to my prayers. I literally sat on my bed conversing with Jesus. I didn't hear an audible voice, but words were being spoken to me--something that I realize sounds strange but I don't know how else to explain it. I've only ever really heard Jesus in this way a few times before and most of those times were with really big decisions. This conversation wasn't about a big decision. I was simply feeling tempted by my flesh and He responded to my cries for help.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
About a week ago, I felt attacked by the enemy and in a helpless spiritual state. Chains needed to be broken. Action needed to be taken. But I was afraid to move.
You see, it's easy to become stagnant in certain areas of your walk. Not wanting to give over that (be it time, energy, a specific sin, etc). Wanting the road to always be "easy." Never wanting to engage in battle. But the truth is, it's impossible to progress if something is stagnant. Actually I would argue that stagnancy isn't even actually possible. If you feel stuck in the day-to-day, I would argue that you are moving backwards. You are either drawing closer to God or farther from Him. Living in a sinful world, it's impossible to just stay the same.
Additionally, the more I took steps toward these battle-lines of ministry that I now find myself in, the more the enemy made it his objective to take me out.
After many conversations (with friends and with Jesus) and many tears, I finally broke. I finally gave in to Him. I finally started wrestling with my sin from a place of victory instead of a place of uncertainty (1 Corinthians 15:57; 2 Peter 1:3).
I finally started taking seriously my spiritual disciplines and carving out multiple devotional times a day. I started taking seriously the way that the world affects me and have been averting my attention from particular sensory input that my brain receives throughout the day.
And let me tell you friends, it has made all the difference.
I believe that because I've allowed myself to be diligent in spending time with Jesus this week, I was able to be in-tune to the Spirit like I have never been before. I'm not special or important. Jesus didn't reveal Himself clearly to me twice in the past 24 hours because I'm a saint (trust me, I'm far from one).
The reality is, He's always been there. I just had chosen to ignore Him most of the time. I've been known to not give Him the hang out time that He deserves and to allow one too many things to slide into what I permit to infect my mind. As soon as I started to engage in that battle and fight the input that I was receiving from the world... as soon as I started to truly give time to spending with Jesus... the cloud that the world had put around my senses was lifted.
And I was free to feel Him and hear from Him.
Lesson learned: Don't ever think that I "have it under control" for a week and can go a few days without allotting any time for Jesus.
He is Lord. And He wants to spend time with me each day. And He will do whatever it takes to bring me back to Him when He sees me going in my own direction. He pursues me even when I don't pursue Him.
Talk about amazing grace.
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