dying to self

People have brought to my attention recently that I haven't posted a blog in a very long time.  I must offer up my apologies for that, especially to my out-of-state friends who read this to keep up-to-date on my life.

Truth is, I don't know what to say.  My mind is in a constant state of spinning--sometimes with good things, sometimes with hard things--and to articulate those fragments of what I've been learning is a bit difficult.

For the basics, I was hired by InterVarsity Christian Fellowship for full-time Staff at The College of New Jersey on December 7th.  [To see my website/blog-in-progress regarding staff work, go here.]  I've been busy with end-of-the-year finances at my part time job (church bookkeeper), am in the beginning process of raising funds (for InterVarsity), and have been doing prep with my students for New Student Outreach (which starts this up-coming week).  Somewhere in the middle of that craziness was a very short holiday season and then I headed off for a week to InterVarsity's tri-annual missions conference called Urbana (located in St. Louis, MO).

In the past month or so, I've had some absolutely insane encounters with the Holy Spirit, have been learning that I have some serious wounds from my past that need healing, have come to recognize that I need to love more [and better], and have begun to realize that I've lived with a lot of pride for a long time.  I've also learned that when you are a person in ministry, people view you a different way.  Suddenly the tides shift and there are expectations that people unknowingly hold about you.

Truth is, I'm just a very average person.  Truth is, I'm just a sinner saved by grace like everybody else.  I laugh some moments and struggle during others.  I delight in showing people The Way and at times feel like I am terrible at "being a Christian."  I'm honestly no one special and have done nothing great.  All I know is that Christ lives in me.  And He has redeemed me and is in the process of making me new.  And I am willing to go where He sends me.

I am learning a lot about myself and my constant need of a Savior these days.

The more I am brought face-to-face with my sin, the more the state of my heart saddens me.
The more I am surprised at God's decision to put me (of all people) in ministry.
The humbler I become before God.

Some days I am so in touch with the Spirit and feel so very free.
Other days the work that Jesus is doing in my heart hurts so much.

On those days I feel like He is detoxing me from my sinful thoughts and actions to the point that every part of me hurts.  I'm afraid to even get out of bed and begin a day if I know I will only be at war.  I question why He desires to work through me in my community and on the campus of TCNJ.  It feels like I am drinking poison, as the distraught state of my mind manifests itself emotionally, spiritually, and physically in me.

But that's exactly what it is that hurts:
Dying to self.

When Jesus said to take up my cross daily and follow Him, He meant it. (Luke 9:23)

Crucifixion is a slow and painful death.
Taking up my cross is something that I must repeat.  Daily.  I can't choose to die to self today and not tomorrow.

Regardless of the hurt, I must be obedient.  Even if that means facing giants in my life.  Even if that means looking at my own imperfect reflection and choosing to engage in battle.

Because He lives in me I can overcome.  Because He is working through me, I am fighting from a place of victory. [Even if I have to tell myself that over and over.]

In ten days, I leave for a two week trip to Israel with my church.  My hope is that while I'm there--on a trip that is focused on time with God in the places He walked here on earth--He'll meet me.  My hope is that He'll continue working on my heart and reminding me that dying to self is worth it because He is worth it.

Because the end goal is Jesus.