Duke!!

Last night I was watching the Duke/UNC game and getting a bit agitated during the second half.  The game began with Duke in the lead and it looked like it was going to end with them losing by 10 points.  But then with less than two minutes left in the game, Duke brought their score up.  With about half a minute left, UNC accidentally scored for Duke, leaving them just one point behind.  UNC made one of their free throws and now Duke was down by two with about 14 seconds left in the game.  They took the ball down the court and as the buzzer went off, scored a three-pointer for the winning shot.  I JUMPED off of my couch and squealed (trying to muffle my excitement as much as possible because my roommates had both gone to bed).

Austin Rivers making the amazing winning shot!

It was quite possibly the most exciting end to a game that I have ever witnessed and I was so very glad that I stayed up well past my bed time to watch it.

Sometimes in life we feel like we're winning during the first half.  Things are going our way.  Things are going smoothly.  And God appears to be everywhere, working in our favor.  But then we begin to get scared.  We're down by 10 and the game is almost over.

I question if I'm going to win this thing.  I question if God really is behind it all.  Do You really hold my life in Your hands?

Yesterday I felt beaten down.  I felt like I was only down by a couple of points and all of a sudden Satan was beating me down into the ground with lies about circumstances that I wish so badly I could change.  I was crying over the thing that I thought I had "recovered" from, wishing there was a way for me to change my destiny for next year.

But when that basketball game ended last night I remembered that when you are playing on God's team, you will always win.  Even with 14 seconds left in the game, Jesus will make that 3-pointer and send you jumping for joy down the court.

He makes ALL THINGS work together for my good.  That is a promise He gives me.  And this might not look in my favor now but it is.  It completely is.  Because it's going to provide me with an exciting ending to an unshakable destiny that He has for me.  A destiny that is good and perfect.  A destiny where I am in awe of how He made that winning shot in time and I can't help thinking, How DID You do it?!

A destiny where He is the victor and His team gets the glory.

love

In spite of the chaos of life,
Regardless of the fears about jobs and life after graduation,
Through the pain of drifting friends and watching loved ones die,
Somewhere in the middle of the turbulance of my sin and doubt that You hold my life in your hands,
I see how much you really love me.

I can go to sleep distraught and unsure, only to wake up in the middle of the night to feel You softly stroke my face and whisper that it's all going to be okay.  That I need to stop looking for joy and love and satisfaction because I can find that only in You.  Where my life goes from here amounts to nothing if I'm not on that journey next to You.  Where You are is where I want to be.  You forgive.  You know me better than I know myself.  You give abundantly.  You love me.


I have never known such a pure and unfailing love like this.

Love has always been a difficult task for me.  I think, growing up around family members dying, I learned that it hurts to lose someone that you love.  So I pulled away from everyone at an early age in an attempt to protect myself.  It's hard for me to be myself around my family.  It's hard for me to be intimate in a romantic relationship.  It's hard for me to verbally tell someone how much I love them.  I don't like making eye contact when I talk to people and I don't like giving hugs.  I believed the lie that if I didn't allow myself to feel, then it wouldn't hurt as bad if I lost them.

But I've been learning that numbness only adds to the pain.  We are meant to feel.  We are meant to love.  And we are meant to have intimate friendships and relationships.  Life is nothing without love.  Someone recently told me that "Hugs aren't just for you.  They are for the other person, too."

Yes.  The people in my life deserve hugs from me because they deserve to know how much I care for them.  I never realized the importance of love and community because I never experienced pure and unfailing love until Jesus gave it so willingly to me.  I honestly believed it was something people could get by without.  But now I know that life is nothing without it.  It's so good to love.  It's so good to be loved.

It's so good to feel.
I am learning how much You really love me.

1 John 4:7-12--
⁷ Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹ This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰ This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ¹¹ Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹² No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

I never understood these verses to their fulness until now.  I took them as me just having to love because I'm "called to."  Because Jesus loves me I have to "love" everyone, which I lamely defined as me being "nice" and "giving."  I knew I needed to "spread the Gospel by love" (but I honestly didn't even know what any of that meant).


No.  These verses are saying when you recognize how great and vast God's love is for you, that's when you will love your brothers and sisters.  Love is an amazing gift from God.  Love is pure.  And good.  Love is way more necessary that we ever imagined it to be.  When we recognize the depth and height of His love we cannot help but overflow that cup onto other people.  We cannot help but want to give others the very gift that our own souls feed off of.

And in the process we will be made whole.  We are made for community to have true relationships and to live out the mystery of love.  There will be no more pushing away because I'm scared to get hurt.  There will only be the healing power of love that captivates every part of my soul.

This is a secular song but the lyrics sort of reminds me of a conversation I've been having with Jesus these past few weeks:


Heart beats fast.  Colors and promises.  How to be brave?  How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?  But watching You stand alone.  All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.  One step closer.


"I have died every day waiting for you.  Darling don't be afraid.  I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more.  And all along I believed I would find you, time has brought your heart to me.  I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more."

I don't need to be afraid to fall when I see how Jesus "stood alone" and died on the cross for ME.  His blood covers me every day as He waits so patiently for me to understand.  His love has washed me clean.  Love is good.  There's nothing to be afraid of because it is so full of color and promise.

And so I am growing and changing and learning.  Trying to make eye contact at all times.  Trying to hug without pulling away quickly.  Trying to forgive even when it's hard.  Trying to replace (most of) the sarcasm and jokes with encouraging words and truths of how much I appreciate them in my life.  Trying to feel for the first time since I was just a small child.

Trying to love like You love me.

busy bee

Ever since this semester started I have barely been able to keep my eyes open.  I'm taking a full (hard) load of classes and (praise the LORD) I have a job... on top of my never-ending InterVarsity responsibilities and trying (& failing miserably) to apply for post-graduation jobs.  It's hard to go from being a part-time student as I was last semester to a real, functioning human being again.  To make matters worse my insomnia has been back the past couple of days and sleep deprivation is slowly wearing me out.

But I really wouldn't have it any other way.
(Welllll minus the insomnia part because laying awake every night isn't really my idea of a good time.)

Over the past week I have enjoyed not only going to classes, but doing my homework.  Say whatttt?
Actually, I've looked forward to my school work.
Word.

I've loved doing things for Psi Chi, going to the lectures (new professor candidates are giving talks), getting excited for Potent Potables, and working on my 491 research.  Love love LOVE being a psych major.

And my IV responsibilities have been a joy as well during this new semester.  My first week of discipleship meetings went FANTASTIC; I get so excited when I see Jesus working in my friends' lives and when He gives me the words to say to them.  Oh AND our winter retreat is this weekend!  Whuddup?!

I am SO grateful for my (new) job at the fitness center because despite my complaints about waking up at 5:30/6am for work some mornings, I love the people I work with and always leave in high spirits.  Even if I have an "off" day socially at work, I still leave in a good mood because that means I got a lot of homework done while I was there!  Score!

It's been really fun to finally get officially plugged in at my church down here, too.  I've been going to a bible study and the women in it are hilarious and fantastic people.

I guess this entry is to catch all of you up whom I haven't spoken to since the semester started.  I'm sorry that I've been MIA.  I'm not ignoring you; I am just SO busy! (I'm even babysitting as I type this post...)

I'm sad to be in my 8th and last semester of college, but I am enjoying every waking second of it.

Even if those waking moments are when I wish I was sleeping during the night... ;-P

We're Just Wild Mice

My Applied Counseling class has such useful models for the Christian walk that I will at times forget it's a secular class.  Sometimes in lecture I feel like I am getting a 101 on discipleship and in homework I feel like the books we're reading all point toward Christ.

In a book we're reading, the authors mention a study by Colhoun that examined wild mice.  These mice need to run on a wheel about 8 hours a day and will do so on their own.  Their bodies know they need it and so they will turn on a switch and exercise.  It's simple.  And perfect.  And the way it was designed to be.  But when the researcher turned on the wheel, the mice would immediately turn off the switch.  They refused to run when the researcher "told them to" (by turning on the wheel) even though they knew they needed the exercise to be healthy and survive.  The authors describe this as foolish freedom because "the mice preferred mastering the switch to running.  They demanded control over their behavior, even if it meant sacrificing their own health."

This is us and God.  We sin sometimes because we want some sort of "control" over our lives.  We do things that we know are harmful for us and harmful for our relationship with Jesus because we would rather have this pseudo-freedom.  We think we know what's best for us.  We think that we are better off being in control.  Better off mastering the switch.

But this isn't freedom at all.
This is foolish freedom.
This is harming what we were designed to do.
This is harming us glorifying God.

The authors then go on to describe responsible freedom--

"An act is free if I identify with the elements that generate it.  An act is coerced if I feel dissociated from the elements.  Thus, identification is logically prior to independence.  Freedom is not a primary, but a derivative, experience.  A sense of self is logically prior to self-control.  Personal freedom is the acting out of our identity, our self.

Self-reevaluation is an important change process for preparing for liberating action.  Through this process you come to think and feel differently about yourself (as a drinker, smoker, or whatever).  You are preparing to give up and grieve for an important part of your identity--not just for now but forever."

If you have a relationship with Jesus, you need to give up what you think your identity is (as a student, or dancer, or athlete, or doctor, or teacher) to embrace the reality of what your identity actually is.  You are a child of God.  You are a person in whom Christ dwells.

"Freedom is not a primary, but a derivative experience."  When you understand who you are in Jesus, you will follow Him.  You will hit the mark.  You will stop resisting His guidance and teaching.  And you will be free.

Jesus talks about how sin is slavery.  When you sin and do what you want instead of what God wants you are the furthest thing from free.  You are living in bondage.

True freedom is allowing Jesus to take those chains off of you.
True freedom is knowing your identity is in Him.
True freedom is embracing His love.
True freedom is doing what you were designed to do:  Glorify the King.

Your healing hands

I'm leaving in an hour to begin my journey back to Virginia.  Though the first night I'll be spending with the amazing Aletheia, the reality is that I'm heading back to school.  Winter break is over.  (And I have yet to pack... oops...)

And I am smiling from ear-to-ear.

This break was monumental for me.  Not because Passion 2012 changed my life or I suddenly made new friends at home or mended my relationship with my dad.  None of those things happened.

So what did happen?  Why can you not stop smiling?  You may be asking.

I've felt this slow, progressive work inside of me that Jesus has been doing since June.  My heart is being softened and I'm learning to let go.  I didn't get on an amazing "Passion high" after Atlanta--instead I felt rooted and steadfast in my faith and the Lord emphasized everything He's been teaching me for the past six months at the conference.  I made the (official) decision to come back home after graduation and while it first brought a lot of tears and I was resistant to give my love of Virginia over to the Lord, I've learned to let go and embrace it.  And I am SO INCREDIBLY excited to learn from the amazing staff team at TCNJ.  I had a solid quiet time this morning, something that I hadn't given myself in too long, and it was the best thing I could have done.  I finally came to a point where I realized the importance of injustice and decided to sponsor a child through Compassion.  I am understanding the true ugliness of my sin.  My true identity in Christ.  And God's true and unfailing love for me.

I am smiling because I am growing.
And changing.
And healing.
And becoming more like Him.
And I can sense every second of it.

My whole body feels different.  I feel physically, spiritually, and emotionally
                                   changed.
                                              Whole.
                                                    Healed.

At Passion 2012:  notice the healing hand of God in the background.  And each of us shining a light for HIS glory.  (also, notice how every candle looks like a cross? LOVE IT.)

(this isn't actually about my knees or exercising)

Every time my leg impacts against the ground I can feel the joints in my knee rub against each other.

I've been working out over break and came to realize that I have really, really bad knees.  I never noticed it because I spent my whole life swimming instead of running, minimizing the impact that my feet have with the solid ground.  It's a genetic thing.  My dad and sister have really bad knees, as well.

And it hurts to do the cardio exercises.  I can hear my knees cracking every time I move them.  Even hours after the workout is over I find myself massaging the right knee, still feeling the heat of pain shoot up my thigh.

But I keep doing my daily "Jillian" workouts with my sister.  I keep pushing on.  Because I'm convinced that this is where the Lord has me.  That He wants me to be exercising and since we don't have a pool, my knees have to suck it up.

But how do I know when enough is enough?  How do I know if Jesus really wants me putting stress on my knees?  How do I know that this is what He wants for me?

And I keep pressing on.  Hoping that the pain will miraculously go away if He wants me to be doing this.


Hoping that the tears will fade if He wants me here.

But what if they don't?  Does that mean that He doesn't want me here?  Or does that mean that He wants me to fight through the pain because sometimes He calls us into places that we wouldn't necessarily choose for ourselves to be?

I just hope that my knees don't give out.  I hope that even if the pain remains, the end result will be well worth the tears I fought to get there.  I don't want to hear my own emotions and thoughts of wishing to go back to swimming, rather than running.  I want to hear the Lord's voice loud and clear telling me to push through.  That He loves me and wants this for me.  That He holds all things together.
 
I just want confirmation that I made the right choice.

We've got to rise up

Open our eyes up
Be her voice, be her freedom, come on stand up
(music video we made at Passion 2012 to raise awareness for slavery)


I just got back from a week in Atlanta, GA.  I was with 15 friends and 44,000 other college students at the Passion 2012 conference.  To sum it up?  Amazing.  Jesus.  Healing.  Freedom.

I'm going to make another post (probably) about some things Jesus did in my heart during the conference.  But this post is about how Jesus used us 40,000(ish) 18-24 year olds to raise awareness for modern day slavery.  To proclaim the name of Christ to the nation.

We listened to two main session talks that completely centered around the issue of slavery. (Did you know that currently there are 27 million people enslaved? That's more now than ever before in history...)  We donated.  We decorated flags that were then hung up with prayers and Bible verses.  A giant hand was constructed and we lit candles around it while chanting "FREEDOM."

Best part?  CNN covered it.  CNN did a story on Passion 2012.
The name of Jesus was documented by this news source for all the world to see.

To watch the CNN clip click here.

It is amazing what God can do when you submit to Him.  Submit your life and the causes you'll be working for or supporting.  Submit your finances and His name will be lifted up.  44,000 "poor college students" donated $3 MILLION dollars this week.

THREE MILLION.
When I went to make my donation I didn't think my small amount would do much.

But when we
ALL work TOGETHER
for HIS Kingdom
BIG
things
happen.

When we stop and think about the big picture, we realize that He moves mountains with the little amounts we sacrifice.  He moves mountains with the time and love we give.  He moves mountains if we just have faith.  He WILL work for the good of His people because He loves each and every one of us.  To Him, there aren't 27 million enslaved.  There are 27 million ONES enslaved.

27 million Adams.
27 million Eves.
27 million Alyssas.
27 millions yous.

God hates injustice.  And I hate injustice because He lives in me and my heart breaks for His beloveds.

And He will free them because it brings HIM glory.

Philippians 2:10-11-- so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

We get to be a part of that.  I got to be a part of that movement this week.  We get to all be tools for His Kingdom.  How cool is that?!?!

I am (and want to continue to be) part of the Jesus Generation.
Are you?

the giant hand that was constructed as a symbol

us on the last night-- each holding a lit candle. the giant hand is glowing, too!

a snapshot of all 44,000 of us in the Dome during worship at Passion 2012

To donate click here.

We raise our white flag, 
The war is over.
Love has come,
Your love has won.