stories in the mess

Working two jobs and barely having time to even eat meals, chores were far from my radar this month. Not only did the unclean laundry pile up on my floor, but the Christmas presents (and wrapping paper) and the new fund development materials that InterVarsity sent me lined every inch of my floor.

Generally, my life is filled with clutter.  But when the messy becomes burdensome, something's gotta give.  For the past several days I was filled with worry any time I hopped out of my room that I would sprain my ankle in my attempts at dodging clothes and important (oops) documents and whatever else layered the floor.

And so a safe path in and out of my room became my project for Saturday.

Never mind the dirty laundry--that task was easy.  It was putting order to the work material that made me want to pull my hair out.  Before I could even think about organizing it (which I haven't really gotten to yet) I had to thoroughly clean out my desk.

But in an afternoon that I had been dreading for weeks, I found a sort of peace.  Somewhere amidst the messy, stories of my life danced about.

I found pictures from my toddler years that I held in my hand and remembered how small and innocent and pure I was back then.

When in doubt, assume I'm the one in the Wizard of Oz gear.

I boxed up photos from my middle school years and my heart broke when I thought of the downward spiral that began for me sometime in those "tween" days.

I threw away memories from my darkest late high school/early college years that I did not want to keep.  But I looked at each photo first.  And I allowed my mind to trail back to that standstill in time.  And I wasn't just throwing away pictures.  I was throwing away stories.

One by one, I threw away my past.  Sin by sin.  Heartbreak by heartbreak.  I let them go.

And after a garbage bag was full of trash and a box was labeled and ready for the attic, I pushed those snapshots away from my life.  My past may have led me along the way, but it sure doesn't define me anymore.  I have been washed.  I have been cleaned.

I am a new creation.

Amid the physical messiness of my room, the messiness of the timeline of my life and the past brokenness of my spirit emerged.  I emptied those desk drawers and boxed up those old albums so that I could fill those drawers with my Scriptural references and InterVarsity material.

Throwing out the old to make room for the new.

As I added my last stack of fund development cards and closed the drawer, I could tangibly see that.  Over the past several years, Jesus had one-by-one been removing my past and working on my heart to make room for this new life.

To make room for Him.

My room?  Still pretty cluttered.  My heart?  Still pretty messy.

But there's a pathway through my room now.  And I don't have to be afraid of twisting my ankle.  A pathway that leads me right to my King.

Your Presence

Twice in the past twenty four hours I have felt the presence of God around me like never before.  Last night I was laying in my bed, reading a book about a missionary, and all of a sudden the air felt thick with His presence.  Jesus was there.  I knew it.

I was afraid to move, unsure if it would cause this intimate interaction with Him to break.  I averted my gaze from the pages of my book and looked around my room.  Physically I couldn't see Him, but it felt like His Spirit was completely enveloping me.

And then today as I was praying out loud in the same spot on my bed where I encountered Him last night, I felt Him again.  It wasn't as strong of a sixth sense as it had been the previous night, but this time I heard answers to my prayers.  I literally sat on my bed conversing with Jesus.  I didn't hear an audible voice, but words were being spoken to me--something that I realize sounds strange but I don't know how else to explain it.  I've only ever really heard Jesus in this way a few times before and most of those times were with really big decisions.  This conversation wasn't about a big decision.  I was simply feeling tempted by my flesh and He responded to my cries for help.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

About a week ago, I felt attacked by the enemy and in a helpless spiritual state.  Chains needed to be broken.  Action needed to be taken.  But I was afraid to move.

You see, it's easy to become stagnant in certain areas of your walk.  Not wanting to give over that (be it time, energy, a specific sin, etc).  Wanting the road to always be "easy."  Never wanting to engage in battle.  But the truth is, it's impossible to progress if something is stagnant.  Actually I would argue that stagnancy isn't even actually possible.  If you feel stuck in the day-to-day, I would argue that you are moving backwards.  You are either drawing closer to God or farther from Him.  Living in a sinful world, it's impossible to just stay the same.

Additionally, the more I took steps toward these battle-lines of ministry that I now find myself in, the more the enemy made it his objective to take me out.

After many conversations (with friends and with Jesus) and many tears, I finally broke.  I finally gave in to Him.  I finally started wrestling with my sin from a place of victory instead of a place of uncertainty (1 Corinthians 15:57; 2 Peter 1:3).

I finally started taking seriously my spiritual disciplines and carving out multiple devotional times a day.   I started taking seriously the way that the world affects me and have been averting my attention from particular sensory input that my brain receives throughout the day.

And let me tell you friends, it has made all the difference.

I believe that because I've allowed myself to be diligent in spending time with Jesus this week, I was able to be in-tune to the Spirit like I have never been before.  I'm not special or important.  Jesus didn't reveal Himself clearly to me twice in the past 24 hours because I'm a saint (trust me, I'm far from one).

The reality is, He's always been there.  I just had chosen to ignore Him most of the time.  I've been known to not give Him the hang out time that He deserves and to allow one too many things to slide into what I permit to infect my mind.  As soon as I started to engage in that battle and fight the input that I was receiving from the world... as soon as I started to truly give time to spending with Jesus... the cloud that the world had put around my senses was lifted.

And I was free to feel Him and hear from Him.

Lesson learned:  Don't ever think that I "have it under control" for a week and can go a few days without allotting any time for Jesus.

He is Lord.  And He wants to spend time with me each day.  And He will do whatever it takes to bring me back to Him when He sees me going in my own direction.  He pursues me even when I don't pursue Him.

Talk about amazing grace.

I breathe You in

I lay still in this open room.

I breathe in.

And out.

Slowly,

   Deeply.

      Eyes closed.

I breathe You in, God.

Because You surround me.

This air is light.

It has become so

                     natural

without the humdrum of

                               normal.

Laying down these swords that fight the battles.

For now,

For today,

I will lay here.

(Still.)

With You.

For now,

For today,

I will breathe out the aroma of war,

And breathe in You.

As You fill me up to send me out.

Spiritual Formation Retreat

On our ride home from the overnight Spiritual Formation Retreat (for InterVarsity Staff), I found myself reflecting out loud to my (soon-to-be) supervisor.

"On your way home from this retreat last year, you met me while I was home for Thanksgiving at Panera.  At that point, I left the conversation almost positive that I'd pursue a volunteer year in the Blue Ridge Region. And now here we are, coming back from the same retreat just one year later.  Can you believe that was only a year ago?  I feel like I've been in this region forever.  I feel like I've known you guys my entire life."

That thought boggled my mind.

The downstate New York and New Jersey staff teams spent the past two days encountering Jesus and fellowshipping with one another.  Some of the people (like Chris and Christine) I spend almost every day with.  Some people (like my Central/South New Jersey Area Team) I see/talk to/pray with on a pretty regular basis.  And others I had only met once or twice before.

But regardless, most of the people that I spent the past 24 hours with I truly feel like I've known forever.  These people have welcomed me with open arms into this region and I've been blown away by how well each person has cared for me as not only a staff worker, but as a sister in Christ.

This week I found myself in multiple laughing fits as we played Train Wreck (or "fruit basket" as this region calls it) and lovingly teased each other like siblings so often do.  I realized that even though I am usually shy at first and even though I had only met several people a couple of times, I was able to completely be my crazy ENFJ self.  I even realized that any time extroversion was mentioned people automatically looked at me.  (An intervention for my caffeine addiction was also apparently discussed while I was in the bathroom at one point...)  Shockingly, on the first day I found myself in tears telling my deepest, darkest secret to some of these co-workers and asking for prayer that Jesus would meet me in that place.  These people know me.  Deeply.  From my stupid love for coffee to my goofy personality and to the wounds that cut me the deepest.  They. Know. Me.

Home.  That's what this region feels like.  Home.

As much as I've tried to fight it, as much as I so miss my fellowship in Virginia, I can never go back.  I'm building relationships in my town, in my church, and in this InterVarsity Region.  I'm seeing it confirmed time and time again that this is truly the place Jesus led me to--that nothing over the past four years was an accident.  Everything has led to me applying for InterVarsity Staff in this region.

How did a place that I avoided for so many years so easily come to be where I know I belong?  Jesus.  That's how.  I laugh when I think that I ever thought I could run from this calling to NY/NJ.  This calling to staff.  It amuses me to think I doubted that Jesus would lovingly perfectly place all these pieces of the puzzle together.

It still hurts when I call my best friends on the phone and know they are hours and hours away.  It still hurts when I come home to a house that's empty of roommates and laughter.  It still hurts when I know that my community is just going to look different here than it did in college.

But I love it all the same.  And I'm content.  And I'm full.  And I'm comfortable.

Settle down, it'll all be clear.

Don't pay no mind to the demons,

They fill you with fear.

The trouble it might drag you down.

If you get lost, you can always be found.

Just know you're not alone,

Cause I'm gonna make this place your home.

Hitting a deer to learn I am dear to Him

I'm on my way home from a prayer meeting last night when out of the corner of my eye I see a deer charging my car.  I felt like I was the red flag in a bull fight.  It hit the front corner on the driver's side, slid into the entire front end, and rolled away.  Within minutes, two cop cars came.

Officer #1:  "What'd you do to Bambi?!"
Me:  "Wahhhh I didn't mean to...."
Officer #1:  "Are you gonna cry?"
Me:  "Maybe over the fact that I don't have money to fix my car."
Officer #2:  "Did it have antlers?"
Me:  "WHAT?!  I don't know?  It flew at me!"
Officer #2:  "It FLEW?  Great.  You ruined Christmas."
[Hilarious.]

As much as I was annoyed at the financial and situational inconvenience (I now won't have a car for awhile), I could feel how much Jesus had divinely intervened to protect me.  This animal could have smashed through my windshield at the speed in which it was traveling.  It also came just inches from pounding into the driver's side doors.  But instead of hurting me, it left the front of my car beat up and me inside safe and warm.  I mean, the air bags didn't even go off.

Gregg was still at the prayer meeting and so I called him to drive down the road and come pick me up while they towed my poor little vehicle away.  Even though I felt like I inconvenienced him, he kept asking me if I was okay and even read me Scripture when he could tell my frustration with the expenses was getting to me.  He explained insurance to me, handled talking to the tow truck guy... all things that I was too cold (I wasn't wearing a coat...) and shy to do on my own.

Robin called us to see if I was okay after he told her what happened.  She immediately asked if I needed a ride to work in the morning.

When I got home and posted a short status on facebook about it, my notifications BLEW UP.  People were commenting left and right asking me if I was okay and trying to figure out my rides to and from work for the next few weeks.  At one point, a couple of women from church were literally talking without me responding on their own, trying to figure out how to get me a car.

I am truly blessed.  I was sitting on my bed, in my warm house, safe and completely unharmed, watching a Duke game (we won, by the way!), as I continued to read the conversation that these women were having to try and serve me.

Jesus was showering me with blessings.  Teaching me to appreciate the community that He has given me, even if it doesn't look the specific way I requested (i.e. I don't have roommates).  Teaching me that He is keeping me safe and has plans for me and wants me here in this town, at this school, in this church for a reason.  I don't have to worry about not having a paying job, not being around my friends from college, and not being in what I consider to be a "perfect town."  I don't even have to worry about accidents like these because He's got me.  Because I'm His daughter.

Because He has great plans for me right here.

It took hitting a deer for me to realize how much He holds my life in His hands.
Sorry little guy, wish it could have happened some other way...

let's go deeper.

Intimacy with God.

Sometimes, my walk seriously lacks intimacy.  Sometimes my relationship with Jesus is full of worship songs, second-long prayer requests, and (reluctantly) studying difficult parts of the bible to grow in knowledge.

These things are good, but where's the intimacy?

Rarely do I ever just chat with Jesus.  Rarely do I ever just allow myself to have fun with Him.

Rarely do I do anything (cleaning my room, showering, driving, working out, etc) without music on.  And even though most of my playlists are Christian artists, it begs the question...

Where is the quiet?

Where is the room to hear His response to me?

I can't really consider it a conversation if I do all of the talking and none of the listening.

Sometimes my relationship feels more like a space for me to vent and for me to list all of my requests (and even to just list all of my praises) before Him.  And even though Jesus desires for me to present my requests to Him, He desires so much more than just that.  Even though Jesus desires for me to in-depthly study Scripture to discover more of who He is, He desires so much more than just that.

Today I commit to more quiet.  More music-less car rides.  More meditating on the Word, rather than just study.

I'm grateful that I work with a bunch of people who do have this intimacy with Jesus.  I praise God in the way knowing them over these past 6 months has helped to shape and advance my own spiritual walk.  I'm grateful that I can leave work at the end of the day and say, "Jesus, I want to know you like he/she knows you.  I want more of that."

Jesus is ready and eager to have an intimate relationship with me.  And sometimes I let Him.  But sometimes my own agenda gets in the way.

Today I commit to more hearing and less talking.  More time hanging out and less time working.  My extreme extroverted-ness and achiever-mentality make both of those things a challenging stepping stone for me.

But I commit to more being and less doing.

More intimacy.

John 15:4

Remain in me, as I also remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

Home

I burst into Jess & Jen's house late Wednesday night with enough bags of unnecessary attire to clothe a small village.  Almost immediately I fell onto the couch in a fit of laughter as I carried on about some pointless story and could hear Jess giggling when I paused every once in awhile to take a gasp of air.

When I stopped for more than two seconds to catch my breath, Jess said, "I feel like this is the beginning of five very long days of the two of us talking and laughing extremely loudly."

Her expectation was met.

Madeline, Sarah, and I stayed with Jess in Fredericksburg for Homecoming weekend.  It was the first time the three of us college roommates had been together since graduation.  The first time the four of us crazies had been together as real world friends and not as students/staffworker. The first time Jess and I had been together since I joined her world of InterVarsity staffwork.  The first time I had been to Fredericksburg during the school year as a Mary Wash alumna.

Madeline, Jess, me

Sarah, me, Madeline

The over-extended weekend was filled with multiple trips to Hyperion and Sweet Frog, running into a zillion good friends who had also all graduated (some were even in town that were a few years older than us, meaning that they were a pleasant surprise to see!), attending a psychology alumni gathering to catch up with life-changing professors, going to a soccer game, taking a prayer walk around campus, and playing board games (for the record, Jelyssa won Settlers... so all is right in the world).

4 Generations of UMW InterVarsity Chapter Presidents!

The Fountain = favorite spot on campus

Hyperion with UMW alumni from '09-'12

Thursday night after large group Jess and I sat in my car and talked for a few minutes while the rest of the crew was running and screaming outside (naturally, because they ran into a group of friends on campus).  She brought up how much she witnessed me change over the past year.  How much Jesus had grown me even in the last five months.  He's healed me in areas that I never thought I'd see healing in.  And as much as I miss Fredericksburg, Virginia, I can see how much He has used the people in Ewing, New Jersey to develop me.

Leaving Monday evening was difficult.  Even still my heart aches for those college friends that have become such a part of me.  My heart yearns to be in close proximity once again to those friends that I had to leave in order to follow this call that Jesus has put on my life.

Despite the hurt that I feel in the deep parts of my soul, the truth is that it would hurt in its own way if I left New Jersey to move back to Virginia.  Tonight I sat with a handful of (new) good friends as we interceded for TCNJ on the campus.  I met these women no more than a month ago at our church's women's retreat and they are so willing and eager to partner with me in this ministry.

Maybe my friends at home aren't all my age or in the same life stage as my friends in Virginia, but these relationships are real and good.  There is value in the fullness of the body of Christ.

Though I wish I could have both of my worlds mesh into one, I know that I am blessed to have two homes.  Ewing and Fredericksburg.  New Jersey and Virginia.

There is a song that goes:
Home, let me come home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ah, home, yes I am home.
Home is when I'm alone with you.

Home isn't in Ewing or Fredericksburg (though I sort of wish it was the burg, just because it's such an awesome town).

Home is when I'm crippled over laughing in the car with Sarah and Madeline. Home is when I'm sitting on a park bench with Jess drinking a pumpkin spiced latte. Home is when I'm playing in the Downs' pool or making salsa with Robin. Home is when I'm praying with a group of sisters from Calvary Chapel Mercer County. Home is when I'm being obnoxious with some of my silliest friends in the middle of a froyo place. Home is here. And there. And somewhere in between. Home is with college friends and family and church friends and professors and co-workers.

Home, let me come home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ah, home, yes I am home.

No matter where I am, I am home. Because I have so many people that I care deeply for and that make it home, I can look around and feel safe and warm and loved. I can be sure that no matter who I'm with or where I am, I am home.