Dear Mom,

Two years ago today Dad called me to come home from college.  Two years ago I sat in the living room for four days straight, letting Dad cry on my shoulder, letting him sleep while I stayed awake, and tending to your needs because the hospice thing got botched (of course, right?! haha).

From that Monday-Thursday I didn't sleep at all.  I was running on coffee and was so delirious I hallucinated a few times.  I didn't really mind it though, the days were sort of fun because soooo many people came over to say goodbye to you.  And we all sat around the hospital bed reminiscing.  They told me ridiculous stories about your high school years that I'm sure you failed to tell me for good reason hahaha but like mother like daughter(s), right?  It was the night time that I hated.  When the visitors left and it was just me and Dad and Kir and you.  I laid awake in complete fear each night that if I fell asleep no one would be awake if you were to die.  Every time I heard you gasp for breath or heard Dad snore loudly I physically jumped off the couch and ran over to check if you were still alive.  And at night when Dad and I would have to bring you to the bathroom, give you water through a small sponge, and move your limbs for you, I just wanted to break down.  Nights were the worst.

Two years ago today I had my last full conversation with you.  It was night time and it was just us in the room.  I remember crying so hard through most of it, not even being able to get out what I wanted to say because I couldn't stop crying.  There was too much to say.  I remember apologizing for everything, but I know that wasn't enough.  Mom I was a terrible daughter.  I was so psychologically messed up my whole life and I know that I probably gave you and Dad more anxiety than any parent bargains for.

I think Bean and Jessie came over to say goodbye on the second or third day.  They were like daughters to you and watching Bean's reaction sent me into a complete whirlwind of emotions.  I was so numb by the whole situation--too much stimuli to take in at once--and it all came crashing down at that one instant.  I remember the three of us walking in the backdoor, and Bean couldn't even see your face but she could see the bed in the living room.  She put her hands to her head and started crying and ducked into the dining room.  That made me lose it.  I remember running up the stairs to my room as fast as I could, and I could hear Bean running after me.  I slammed my bedroom door shut, almost in her face, but she ran in my room anyway.  I ran out past her and into the bathroom and I remember standing against the wall, breathing heavily, and slowly beginning to slide down the wall and into a ball on the floor as I cried harder than I had ever cried.  And Bean just held me.  There was nothing anyone could say.

You weren't just a mom to me and Kir and our best friends--you were literally a mom to all of Ewing High School.  You were their "Momma D."

If you were here today there is so much I would say to you--starting with how much I love you and how sorry I am for the years of pain I caused you.  I would tell you how I didn't end up transferring colleges and how I love my life in Virginia now.  That I changed my major from math to psychology with a minor in biology because I want to go to grad school to be an occupational therapist--the career path that you suggested to me one summer down the shore.

Most importantly I would tell you how great my life is now that I accepted Christ into my heart.  Mom, the joy that's with Him is unexplainable.  And I hope you know far better than me about that perfect love because my greatest hope in the world is that you are in heaven right now kickin' it with Jesus.  I would tell you all about how different my life is now and how I love my IV friends and my church in Virginia.  But Mom, just because I love Jesus now doesn't make this any easier.  (And time doesn't make it any easier either.)  A lot of people think that.  They think I shouldn't be sad after two years or because now that I know Christ it makes me miss you less.  But you know that's not the case.  If anything it makes things harder because I know how real salvation is and I have no way of knowing where you are right now.  I pray that you're in heaven, but my prayers won't change the destiny that is already active for you.  Two years isn't that long, and I'm still just a girl who needs her mom for various things all the time.  I think about how I wish I could call you almost daily, but I never tell that to people because I feel like they'd be like "JUST GET OVER IT ALREADY."  But I was a momma's girl and I want you here with me.  I'm still just a mere college kid... all my other friends depend on their parents more than they realize.  I think until a mom is taken away do we college kids actually realize how much one is needed.

Most of the time I wish you were here for the simple every day things.  I wish I could call you when I'm stressed over a class or work or when I'm debating which classes to take.  I wish I could call you for recipes or text you about boy-issues or friend-drama.  I miss having someone that actually cares when I'm sick and actually wants me to come home for breaks.  I miss the little times you would surprise me by buying me clothes when you were out or buying pineapple when you heard in passing conversation that I was craving some--Kir and I were constantly on your radar and you were constantly loving us and thinking of us.  I never showed you how appreciative I am for that.

I realize that God has a plan in taking you away from me so early in my life.  I committed my life to Christ soon after you died and I know that your death had a lot to do with not only me searching for answers and following the Lord, but with my rapid spiritual growth.  I've been through a lot more than most people my age and I think that's really helped me in my spiritual understanding of the Lord and His Word and why any circumstance occurs.  And I'm thankful that God has a will for my life and used you in that will, but I still frequently ask Him, "Was this really the only way, Lord?  Does it really have to be like this?  I miss her."

I know that while you were dying I promised you I'd take care of Dad and Kir, and thus far I've pretty much failed at that.  I'm never home and when I am we all just argue.  We have all developed new "rules" and new "ways of living" and it just seems that mine doesn't fit in with theirs anymore.  But I do promise you that I am praying that Christ softens their hearts--that they come to know their Savior like I (and I hope you) have.  Only He can take care of them; I cannot.

me & you before prom my junior year of high school

I miss you more than words can describe, Mom.  And I love you so much.

Love,
Lyss

The Eye

What I've come to realize lately is that I think for the majority of us Christians we let a bit too much slide.  I'm going to be bold and say we have let the world impact us so much that we have come to accept things as "okay" just because society says they are.  As an example:  I love Nicki Minaj.  She is a sick rapper and also has a really cool stage persona.  However the majority of her songs are about sex and drinking AND if they are not then she at least probably curses in them.  But I listen to them anyway.  I use the excuses of "well as long as I don't say those words, it's fine," or "I'll just listen to the edited version," or "c'monnn it can't be THAT bad for me to listen to.. I mean it's on the RADIO."  But the truth is, the songs DO impact me.  They make me numb to topics and language and maybe in an unfortunate circumstance they cause me to slip.  And just because society thinks it's not that bad to watch a show with sexual content, tell a white lie to get out of something, or "vent" about a particular friend does not mean that God thinks those things are okay.  So are we following the guidelines the world gives us or the guidelines God gives us?

Today in my physiological psychology class we were learning about the human eye.  In the retina are photoreceptors (rods or cones, for those of you familiar with the topic) that have the job of detecting light and sending the information to the brain.  Specifically for the cones, they are responsible for color.

eye

Bare with me.. we're going into a little more detail now but I'll try and simplify it.  Now on the cones are proteins called opsin.  Attached to the opsin is retinal.  When a photon (the smallest packet of light energy) is received, the retinal changes structure.  If you look at the specific diagram below, the retinal is the long chain looking thing (picture 1) and when light is detected the chain goes up (picture 2).

process called isomerization

This basic mechanical process that I'll be referring to is called isomerization.  Now, thinking back to high school chemistry let's all remember what color actually is.  The color that you see is the wavelength of light that is reflected back.  So a green coffee mug absorbs all of the colors except for green.  It reflects green back and so that is what we see (for it is detected by the photoreceptors and isomerization occurs).  Black is the absence of light.  A black object absorbs ALL of the wavelengths of light and reflects none back (hence why you are hotter in a black T-shirt).  White, on the other hand, is light.  It absorbs NONE of the wavelengths of light and reflects ALL of them back.

When we are in a pitch dark room for a long time, there is no light activating our photoreceptors.  Therefore, all of them are in the "ready" position.  That is why when  you suddenly turn the lights on it hurt your eyes because ALL of your photoreceptors are being stimulated at the same time and ALL are going through isomerization simultaneously.

Also we go through something called visual pigment bleaching.   If we were to stare, without moving our eyes, on one thing for long enough it would eventually "disappear."  This is due to the fact that the individual opsin proteins that are directly focused on the color are ALL undergoing isomerization.  Basically, they are being overly activated and they need a "time out" (when the color disappears) to recollect themselves.  Then they can start being activated again.  This does not happen often because our eyes are CONSTANTLY making small movements.  It is very hard for us to actually stare at something without moving our eyes at all.  Try this little test.  Stare at the small blue dot without moving your focus.  If you are doing it correctly it probably keeps "disappearing" and "reappearing."

Due to this visual pigment bleaching, if you were to be in a completely white/bright room for days, ALL of your photoreceptors would be going through isomerization.  So when you left the room, you would have trouble interpreting color for some time.  The color around you would literally "disappear" because your photoreceptors need that "time out" to regenerate.

Okay now I will talk about what was striking me as a "Jesus point" today in class.  In the Bible, God is often referred to as light and the world/sin is often referred to as darkness.  When we are completely absorbed by the world (like being in a dark room), it hurts us when God flips on the light and shows us our sin.  It is a painful process that makes us want to stay in the dark.  We don't want to deal with the process of becoming accustomed to the light.

I would say most of us, as Christians, spend our lives in a bubble that looks much like a normal, lit room.  It is bright, but we can still see all of the dark colors.

However, we are called to live lives in the white, bright room.  We are called to be so absorbed by Jesus that all we see is light light light!  A world where all of our photoreceptors are in a constant state of stimulation.  And when we step out into the world, we do not even conform to seeing the dark colors because we are in a state of visual pigment bleaching!

We need to allow Jesus to take control of every part of our body and mind (just like the light room takes control of every photoreceptor).  As soon as we let the world's darkness come into our focus is when we start to fall apart--even as harmless as it may seem.

So maybe listening to a Nicki Minaj song doesn't seem like the worst thing ever, but if I could choose between allowing myself to be kept pure and "bleached" to the world, then I would rather abstain from listening to her.  I don't want to become numb to anything.

Whose guidelines are you following?

live high, live mighty, live righteously, takin' it easy

Spring break is over; I'm back in my apartment in Fredericksburg.  Classes don't start until tomorrow and I'm already itching for this semester to end.

I went home for break and I had such an amazing time.  I stayed at school for fall break, only went home for half of Thanksgiving break, and was only home for two weeks of winter break (both of which my time was spent at an internship).  This was really my first break home this year--I avoided it like the plague due to a pretty awful summer.  I was avoiding conflict with my dad, avoiding being reminded of my past, avoiding temptation.  I could feel sinful thoughts and actions slowly beginning to creep back into my life this summer and so I ran from it.  ALL. YEAR.

Going home for spring break wasn't in my original plan.  I was really only going home to finally put a close to the stolen wallet situation.  I needed my dad to sign a few papers and I needed to go to the New Jersey DMV to get a new license.  But I ended up having a great time with family and a fantastic time with friends.  It was the first time since my mom died that I really felt like home was home again.  Perhaps that is why my wallet was stolen.  God knew I needed to be forced to go home to remember that I do love the people there.  There is a place in my heart for each person there that cannot be filled by anyone else.  They're the people I grew up with.  They're the people that went through the hardest times of my life with me (i.e. when my mom died).  They're the people that will always be in my life, regardless of the distance between us and the time we've spent apart.

My friends from home came and stayed at Jessie's house in Fredericksburg this weekend, so I also moved in two days ago.  I spent the weekend goofing off with them and was sad to see them go this morning.  I missed driving around blasting music with them, laughing so hard that breathing isn't an option, and allowing them to torture me because I'm the youngin' of the group.  They truly are like siblings to me and I pushed them away for the past year or so due to the ridiculous fear of my sin.

This semester academically just sucks right now.  There are so many things going on that's making me way too excited for future events.  Filling out my IV leadership application for next year is making me overly excited for senior year and the planning that goes on at Rockbridge... picking out classes for next semester is making me ecstatic for THIS tedious one to end... planning my 21st birthday celebration, my sister's graduation party, and buying tickets for a Dispatch concert in June with my home friends is making me just want that month to come. I'm just ready for junior year to come to a close.  I want to be home.  I cannot wait for the four months of summer where I can fill every moment with the people and places that I was so distant from for the past year and a half.

The next two months are going to go by very slowly.  Over break, Bean, Jessie, and I found videos that we made in high school and watched them.  Every joke was still just as funny as when we first laughed at them.  And I'm back on a Jason Mraz kick because I love listening to all of the songs that remind me of three years ago when my life consisted of Bean, Jessie, Rachel, and Vil.

Summer 2011 cannot come soon enough.  Though I still need prayers that the joy and comfort of being home stays this summer.  Prayers that no matter who I'm with, I won't give in to any temptation because I know that God is so much greater.

And I'm praising God for sending me back to Jersey this past week and reminding me that I shouldn't ever run from anything that He has given to me because all of it is good.