Torn

It's sort of strange to describe my life right now.  I feel in such an in-between state.  So many changes are going on around me' it's hard to keep up with them all.  For starters, I dyed my hair dark (like, dark, dark) brown the day I left for Virginia.  Please note that I've been a blonde my entire life.  I like the color, and my friends have told me they're already used to it.  But I'm not.  I mean, I only see myself 5 or 6 times a day (or how ever often I look in the mirror), whereas they see me whenever they're in the same room as me.  So when I see my reflection I'm still in a state of shock.  This isn't me... or... it's not who I'm used to seeing anyway...

Since being in Virginia, I've experienced an aftershock from the earthquake (that apparently was a four-point-something), a nasty thunderstorm that was unrelated to the hurricane (which of course entailed lightening striking a transformer and knocking out power in the entire city of Fredericksburg for hours), and am currently in the middle of Hurricane Irene.  If you know me at all, you'd know that I'm deathly afraid of weather--thunderstorms, snowstorms, tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, you name it (thank you, Mom, for rubbing that off onto me...).  But I've never experienced natural disasters personally and all of a sudden we're getting hit at all angles.  There's even a tornado warning in my home town.  So I've been feeling very jumpy and frantic inside.  Always on the alert.  Mind racing.  This isn't me... or... it's not how I'm used to feeling anyway.

The leadership retreat was today and yesterday.  It was really good and really awesome and I feel satisfied with what was accomplished--even though it was cut a bit shorter than I would have liked due to the hurricane.  But because I didn't sleep home last night, my apartment isn't fully decorated yet.  And I'm out of 3M strips and storage containers.  So I'm waiting for the hurricane to end so that I can run out to Walmart and get more.  Until then I cannot finish the final nitty-gritty details of unpacking and I'm semi-living out of boxes.  I don't feel quiet at home here (yet).  Speaking of not feeling at home here... I don't know where I feel at home.  There have been some points over the past few days where I am so happy to be in Virginia.  I've missed all of my friends and the greatness of Fredericksburg (I really do love this town).  I've been happy to be away from working that 8:30-5:30 day and finally having hot water to shower in.  I loved the leadership retreat because it got all of us so excited for this coming year.  And our group dynamics were so great.  It just made me super ecstatic all over again to be able to serve our chapter and our campus with these wonderful friends.  But sometimes I really miss Jersey.  I miss my church and my friends there and the people who have had such strong Christian influences in my life this summer.  I miss my lifeguarding job.  I miss feeling loved by a family.  And tomorrow I will miss the 20 Something bible study.  Last night at the leadership retreat we watched the movie To Save A Life and someone commented that we, as Christians, don't talk about God enough in our relationships with one another even though we have good, wholesome fun.  All I kept thinking about was, "But I do talk about the Lord frequently with my friends at home.  Regardless of if it is in the midst of our laughter or our tears we are always bringing it back to Him, praising Jesus for the work He's doing in our lives.  Why aren't my relationships here as rooted?  I've known these people longer than most of my home church friends and yet we tend to be so surfacy.  Something's not right..."  It's not like my relationships are home are always so serious and "feeling-sharing," but we understand the dynamics of having Christ-centered relationships.  Even if we're joking and laughing, the Lord is involved.  So I miss my life at home, I really do.  And I haven't missed home in a full two years.  But at the same time, I don't want to leave Fredericksburg.  My heart is here on this campus, with this InterVarsity chapter, with these peers and professors, and in this town.  My life seriously seems divided.  I don't know where I yearn to be more:  Fredericksburg or Ewing.  But I do know that to not be in either place feels like a sword is driven through my heart.  I ache to just have my two lives meshed into one.  This isn't me... or... this isn't what I'm used to saying anyway.

And then I feel pulled in two directions in another way, as well--between InterVarsity and my academics.  I keep forgetting that I'm here for school and not for IV.  I keep forgetting that come three days I will be sitting in class (I actually already have massive amounts of reading to do for my 491 Team).  I keep forgetting that all the things I have planned to do for the leadership team and for the chapter will become overwhelming once classes begin.  I just want to do InterVarsity--all day every day!  It's all I've been prepping for this summer and I just want to hit the ground running and keep going full speed all year, which isn't a reality for someone who is in the science department at UMW.  And I just sometimes want to forget my classes and focus on IV.  But then I get together with my psychology friends and I feel so excited to learn (in my psych classes anyway... biology is always another issue...).  And I wonder why I'm not just going to grad school for biopsychology right away after undergrad.  I wonder why I didn't just take the GREs this summer.  I wonder if I made the right choice when I made up my mind about going into ministry.  I feel in the middle of InterVarsity and psychology and I wonder how I'm going to do both this year.  Because right now with the work that each requires it seems like I need to pick one to focus on.  I'm usually so good at multitasking.  This isn't me... or... this isn't the great time-manager that I'm used to being.

I feel like I'm looking at my life from the outside right now.  I'm watching everything happen like it's a movie and some strange girl with brown hair is playing my character.  It really, really doesn't feel like my life.  The mix of the natural disasters with the homesickness and seeing myself question if I'll actually be able to handle my senior classes AND be chapter president-- these are such foreign feelings to me.  This isn't me...

Who am I?  Right now I'm some brunette chick that's fearing for her life and belongings during this hurricane.  Whose heart feels torn between Virginia and New Jersey, InterVarsity and psychology.

I need to just trust that Jesus is going to get me through this year and allow me to love every moment of senior year.  That He will not only provide me with the environment and time to learn all of the things in school that I love learning, but that I will work hard and make a difference in the world of research on my 491 Team (just like my team did last year for physio psych).  And that despite me working hard in school, He will provide ample time for me to give to my InterVarsity jobs, the wisdom to delegate the responsibilities to the rest of leadership (so that I'm not doing it all on my own, as I tend to do...), and the Holy Spirit to impact the campus with His Word.  And that when second semester rolls around and I need to choose a location to make my post-grad home (Virginia vs. New Jersey), He will reveal that place to me, regardless of the loving persuasions of people on either side.