Psalm 66

Today was a roll-out-of-bed kinda day.  I slept an hour past my alarm so showering was out of the question.  I threw on some leggings and an over-sized T-shirt, gulped down my coffee, and slung my bookbag over my shoulder.  I had to speed walk to my 9am--which is completely across campus--because I ran out of my apartment 5 minutes later than I usually aim for.  Funny what a difference 8:40am and 8:45am can be in the necessity of turning a stroll into a power walk.  I was zooming around people that were moving at a glacier pace, thinking of all the homework I didn't do over the weekend that I probably should have (I'm on top of my classes so don't worry--but usually I'm ahead, so when I'm not ahead I feel like a slacker).  I was headed to Jepson for my ecology class that I basically loath.  It's my only "not brain class" this semester and so it's just not my cup of tea.  I turned off of the sidewalk and directed myself down the trail of mulch that cuts through the grassy hill, leading students from College Ave to the science building.  I was wearing my no-traction Old Navy flip flops that cause me to wipe out more often than I'd like to admit when I realized half of the mulch on the trail was replaced with mud due to the month of rain we've been having.  It was more probable that I was going to fall down this hill than remain on my two feet.  By all accounts I had a less-than-perfect morning.

But I was in a great mood.  Not just a great mood... an elated mood.

Well this was unlike me.  I was trying to figure out why, after the semi-annoying morning I'd had I was smiling.  And that's when I realized that subconsciously, my entire morning was filled with my mind shouting, "I LOVE JESUS."

Shout with joy to God, all the earth!  Sing the glory of his name; make his praise glorious!  Say to God, "How awesome are your deeds!  So great is your power that your enemies cringe before you.  All the earth bows down to you; they sing praise to you, they sing praise to your name."  (Psalm 66:1-4)

This was the conversation I had in my head all morning--
Ugh I slept too late, ugly day it is.  But who cares?!  Jesus sure doesn't...
I didn't read all the articles I should have.  But that's okay because Jesus made sure I completed what was necessary for today.
Wow I'm tired... But at least I have time for coffee.  THANK YOU JESUSSSS FOR CREATING COFFEE.
I'm late for ecology.  But Jesus knew I'd be late today sooo it's in His plan for my day.
How am I going to share my testimony with people in my talk on the retreat on Friday?  It's not about where I've been, it's about who I am.  Jesus is healing me.  I don't want to be broken anymore.  Yes that is SO TRUE--I don't WANT to be broken!  I want Him to make me new and He is!  I will press on and set stricter boundaries in my life because I want to keep moving forward.  I want the freshmen on the retreat and in my small group to see how God can use someone like me, someone with my past.  He can use me in ministry by transforming me more into His Son.  It is all for His Glory and I hope they see that because I love them and want them to know that they can be used, regardless of where they are at now in their walks.  I love the girls in my small group... I especially love getting to know the new freshmen... (thoughts trailed off at this point while walking down College Ave).

Sarah & me with some girls in our small group!!! LOVE them.

In ecology we learned things that weren't all THAT interesting to me.  But I kept thinking about how the Lord truly works all things for our good.  How nature is so intricately designed for us to live here.

Come and see what God has done, how awesome his works in man's behalf!  He turned the sea into dry land, they passed through the waters on foot-- come, let us rejoice in him.  He rules forever by his power, his eyes watch the nations--let not the rebellious rise up against him.  (Psalm 66:5-7)

And then I realized... I DIDN'T FALL DOWN THE HILL!!  It was extremely likely that I was going to, especially with my clumsiness, but my feet remained planted on the ground.  Thank you, Jesus!!!

Praise our God, O peoples, let the sound of his praise be heard; he has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping.  For you, O God, tested us' you refined us like silver.  You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs.  You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance.  I will come to your temple with burnt offerings and fulfill my vows to you--vows my lips promised and my mouth spoke when I was in trouble.  I will sacrifice fat animals to you and an offering of rams; I will offer bulls and goats.  (Psalm 66:8-15)

When I got to biocognition I had an even greater morning.  My professor--whom I really look up to and really respect--read my quiz answers out load as an example of the "right answer" to both sections (so like... to 50 students).  I rarely am the smart kid in my college classes. And it felt so good to know that even when I think I'm behind in school, I can still have a grip on things.  Thank you Jesus for allowing me to find this academic material that I love learning about!  Thank you for giving me the brain capacity and the intelligence to be able to understand this difficult material!  I love learning about the brain because I love learning more and more about how wonderfully and intricately You've designed us to be.

When we got into a discussion on the mind-body problem I sat very content.  When this first came up in my classes a year ago I would leave furious that the professor would try to disprove Christianity.  But since then I've researched and prayed and felt satisfied with my stance on the issue.  Lord thank you for revealing to me that it is possible for me to follow Your Word and be a student of cognitive neuroscience.

Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me.  I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue.  If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer.  Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!  (Psalm 66:16-20)

Jesus performs miracles in our lives DAILY.  He will keep our feet planted on the ground, even when it seems most probable that we will fall.  I can only have academic achievements and impact people in InterVarsity and balance my chaotic schedule by the grace of God.  Jesus is working in me and using me for His Glory and THAT is something to keep me smiling, even when life seems less-than-perfect.

The Potter and the Clay

You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust.

These words echoed through my car as I sat waiting for my friend to get out of class.  I was picking her up for dinner and had ten minutes to sit and rest with Jesus.  Christian music blaring, I reflected on the chaos (emotional, spiritual, academic, work-related, time-related, etc) that had encompassed my life over the past few months.  More importantly, I reflected on the damage that I've continued to make in my relationship with Jesus.  Both Saturday and today I took steps back--both in different areas in my life.

It's so discouraging.  Why do I continue to mess up in the same ways?  Over.  And over.  And over.  And over again.  I need to get accountability, I thought.  I need to confess these things to people.  But I choose to keep it inside and fight the battle by myself.

Maybe that's it.  Sometimes I try to fight the battle by myself.  Jacob didn't get a name change by going through struggles alone.  He didn't become Israel by putting on some armor and bringing a sword to the mirror and slaying his reflection.  It is only when he wrestled with God that his identity changed (Genesis 32:22-32).  It is only when I invite Jesus into my wrestling matches will I overcome.

You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us.

The earth seemed to go silent except for that refrain reverberating through my Rav4.  It was then that I realized I was and am moving forward.  Even though I continue to fall it's always two steps forward and one step back, never the other way around.  Why?  Because I continue to make a conscious choice every day to invite Jesus into my struggles.  On my own, I would be either standing still or sliding backwards.  But with Christ, forward motion is the only possible motion.

...since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.  --Colossians 3:9b-10

"which is being renewed."

Not "which has been renewed."

Paul said "which is being renewed."

We are in the process of being renewed.  I read this in Scripture a lot.  I hear this in sermons a lot.  Friends tell me this a lot.  But I finally understand.  We are moving forward if we make a daily choice to wrestle with Christ.  Always.  Even if at a glacier pace, it is a forward motion.

I thought about the areas of my life that I have made obvious progression in and smiled.  Thank You, Lord, for removing those strongholds completely (or almost completely, depending on which ones we're talking about).  And if I really look at the areas that I continue to fall in (too) frequently and stretch them out over a timeline, I can see that I am improving.  These areas are difficult because they aren't just this habitual sin pattern.  They start from a deep point of brokenness that needs healing.  On the outside they look simple (just stop the actions, right?), but on the inside it is years and years of warped perceptions and pain to sort through.  I can see by this stretched timeline that not only has Christ been helping me overcome these strongholds by making my sin less frequent, but He's been doing a mighty work under the surface, as well.  Even though I can see that we still have a longgg way to go.


Jesus doesn't just smooth out the rough edges, He puts the clay back on the wheel and reconstructs it from the inside out.

Isaiah 64:8

Yes He keeps the same clay; He uses ME-- He doesn't pick up new clay and start from scratch.  But He reshapes everything there is about the old me.  In ceramics if you have a defective molding, you have to put it back on the wheel and try the whole thing again.  You can't just smooth out the rough edges if the inside is messed up because even something as small as an air bubble will cause it to blow up in the kiln.  This takes time.

And so I need to be patient while the Lord is reshaping me.  I can't get frustrated when it doesn't happen overnight.  I will rejoice in the progress that I see He is making in me and continue to invite Him into my struggles.  The more I invite Jesus in, the faster my remodeling will be done.

I rested in the end of the song, smiling that I never have to fear sliding backwards as long as I'm walking with Christ.

You make me new, You are making me new.

2 Years Old Today

Two years ago tonight I asked Jesus to change my heart and decided to give my life to Him.  I didn't really know what it meant to follow Him, but I asked Him to work with me while I tried to figure it out.  Up until that night I had spent the majority of my life miserable.  My facebook status that I had posted on this morning two years ago was actually, "worst mood ever lately."  I was LOST.  I was about ready to give up.  I was actually seriously considering dropping out of college that  morning when I posted that status, probably an indication of the suicidal point I had reached.

My blog entry two nights after I asked Christ to help me change was simple.  It was a prayer that stemmed from the first large group talk of the semester, which had occurred just five days before I gave it all to God.  I had spent the prior 6 months hearing the Gospel and had to pick a side:  for it or against it.  I couldn't stand on this middle, lukewarm ground anymore.  I needed to either be all in or walk away.  And I knew that previously in life, without living for Christ, I was emo and "darkness" (as my high school friends called me by name) and hated life.  I knew that whatever life I had been choosing to live just wasn't working.  My blog read:  "I've been here for about two weeks.  A week ago today someone challenged me in a way I didn't think anyone ever would. Now, I realize that I have been living 19 years in a way that I don't want to live. I want to learn to live in a new light. Please, teach me.  Funny how one person can say one thing that can completely changes your outlook on life... possibly forever."

The next entry in my old blog began with this paragraph: "Three weeks ago today I made the decision to stop living for myself.  I have been so much happier. I've had friends come up to me, even ones that I wasn't as close with last year and say, 'Alyssa, I've known you for a year and I have NEVER seen you this happy.' I've had people on more than one occasion ask me if I'm drunk because I'll be so... giddy (which you all know is so unlike me). I have a feeling that if people who have only known me for a year see a change, my friends at home definitely should. And if not then I guess they don't know me that well to begin with."

Photo at the fall retreat with the people that helped lead me to Christ (yay IV!) This was taken around the same time as the second blog post that I quoted.

That still holds true in my life.  I've been so joyous the past two years that I was shocked when I even read that old blog entry.  Sometimes I forget that I even was "darkness."  Sometimes the dark parts don't even seem like a part of my life--they feel like a movie I once watched--because they are so opposite of my current life:  the life I live for Christ.  I truly am a new creation. 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! -- 2 Corinthians 5:17

And tonight, on the anniversary of my "second birthday" I was at my first large group as InterVarsity Chapter President.  I was worshiping Jesus and praising Him for the radical (and almost unbelievable) work He did--and continues to do--in my life.

 It really is almost unbelievable--sometimes my testimony even astonishes me.  No one, including myself, would have thought two years ago today that I would one day be on leadership, let alone be making arrangements to apply for ministry positions for post-graduation.  I didn't just used to be a crazy, party girl (which was also true...) but I was damaged... I mean years and years of layered psychological damage.  I truly am a new creation.

As Lecrae would say in two of his songs...

But I ain't fixed myself, ain't turn myself around.  I gave it up and told the Lord that He could have it now.

Yeah a new swag, new walk, new focus. It's all Christ, not me, no boastin.

And so I entered large group tonight as the new creation that I am-- transformed and redeemed.  Sometimes I feel inadequate as Chapter President.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm even supposed to be in this position.  I wonder if I'm even helping out the Kingdom.

But in times when I'm doubting God's ability to work through me I have to remember John 15:16--  You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.

Christ chose me and pursued me until I gave my life to Him because He loves me.  Because He has a purpose for my life and that purpose is good and for His glory.

So Lord thank You for saving me.  Thank You for redeeming me.  Thank You for loving me and forgiving me despite the terrible things I've done, continue to do, and will do in the future.  And please help me to bear fruit that will last this year as Chapter President.  Help me to spread the Gospel to my campus.  Because I want everyone to know You like I do.  I want everyone's lives to be as radically transformed as mine was.

Lamentations 3:19-21 is seriously my life in a nutshell:  I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.  I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope.

I remember how lost I was for 19 years and it saddens me when I read old journal entries or see the scars that still linger on my wrists.  But I will rejoice when these reminders are brought to my attention because it reminds me of the miracle that Christ has worked in my life.  And I have hope that I will not only continue to progress in my walk with Him, but I also have hope that I will see my friends' and family's lives changed.  The Lord has the power to change anyone's heart.  I have hope that my campus will one day come to know Him.


Jesus... I just love You.