These words echoed through my car as I sat waiting for my friend to get out of class. I was picking her up for dinner and had ten minutes to sit and rest with Jesus. Christian music blaring, I reflected on the chaos (emotional, spiritual, academic, work-related, time-related, etc) that had encompassed my life over the past few months. More importantly, I reflected on the damage that I've continued to make in my relationship with Jesus. Both Saturday and today I took steps back--both in different areas in my life.
It's so discouraging. Why do I continue to mess up in the same ways? Over. And over. And over. And over again. I need to get accountability, I thought. I need to confess these things to people. But I choose to keep it inside and fight the battle by myself.
Maybe that's it. Sometimes I try to fight the battle by myself. Jacob didn't get a name change by going through struggles alone. He didn't become Israel by putting on some armor and bringing a sword to the mirror and slaying his reflection. It is only when he wrestled with God that his identity changed (Genesis 32:22-32). It is only when I invite Jesus into my wrestling matches will I overcome.
You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us.
The earth seemed to go silent except for that refrain reverberating through my Rav4. It was then that I realized I was and am moving forward. Even though I continue to fall it's always two steps forward and one step back, never the other way around. Why? Because I continue to make a conscious choice every day to invite Jesus into my struggles. On my own, I would be either standing still or sliding backwards. But with Christ, forward motion is the only possible motion.
...since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. --Colossians 3:9b-10
"which is being renewed."
Not "which has been renewed."
Paul said "which is being renewed."
We are in the process of being renewed. I read this in Scripture a lot. I hear this in sermons a lot. Friends tell me this a lot. But I finally understand. We are moving forward if we make a daily choice to wrestle with Christ. Always. Even if at a glacier pace, it is a forward motion.
I thought about the areas of my life that I have made obvious progression in and smiled. Thank You, Lord, for removing those strongholds completely (or almost completely, depending on which ones we're talking about). And if I really look at the areas that I continue to fall in (too) frequently and stretch them out over a timeline, I can see that I am improving. These areas are difficult because they aren't just this habitual sin pattern. They start from a deep point of brokenness that needs healing. On the outside they look simple (just stop the actions, right?), but on the inside it is years and years of warped perceptions and pain to sort through. I can see by this stretched timeline that not only has Christ been helping me overcome these strongholds by making my sin less frequent, but He's been doing a mighty work under the surface, as well. Even though I can see that we still have a longgg way to go.
Jesus doesn't just smooth out the rough edges, He puts the clay back on the wheel and reconstructs it from the inside out.
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| Isaiah 64:8 |
And so I need to be patient while the Lord is reshaping me. I can't get frustrated when it doesn't happen overnight. I will rejoice in the progress that I see He is making in me and continue to invite Him into my struggles. The more I invite Jesus in, the faster my remodeling will be done.
I rested in the end of the song, smiling that I never have to fear sliding backwards as long as I'm walking with Christ.
You make me new, You are making me new.
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