this gift basket

April of my senior year of college has seriously been the best month of my life.  It consisted of bucket list items being crossed off, two very full days hanging out/presenting at the Psi Chi Symposium, senior night at large group where the sophomores on leadership dedicated the night to us, IV leadership and senior parties, happy hour with the professors, and going to the Virginia Psychological Association (VPA) Convention with all of the 491 Research Teams.

my research team! :) [Dr. Stebbins, Chelsea, me, David]

VPA was by far the best experience I've had academically in undergrad.  We rolled up 50 deep to the convention with students and professors, spent the night in the hotel, presented our research and went to other presentations, went out for food/drinks (basically all paid for by UMW hollaaa), and gained new friendships while strengthening the familiar ones.  Please tell me how it is possible to make new friends during the last week of classes?!

Since getting back from VPA I've been reflecting so much on all of the wonderful experiences I've had in college.  Somehow I fell into being a psychology major here and learning about the subject quickly became such a strong passion of mine.  I am so lucky to have gone to UMW for undergrad because we have an amazing psych department that emphasizes research, other out-of-classroom experiences, and mentoring relationships.  We are truly such a tight knit family.  Also in these four years I had the pleasure of serving on IV leadership with an awesome group of students and getting to watch and participate in lives being transformed.  I've grown academically, spiritually, and learned so many vital life-lessons here.  My relationships with psych peers, IV friends, professors, and staff workers are ones that will be a part of me wherever I go in life.

I just can't help but feel so blessed.  I'm so elated as to how everything just sort of fell into place.  God placed me on this campus for a purpose and shoved me into Chandler to declare a psychology major when I had no idea what I was even signing up for.  He also shoved me into InterVarsity without me having any idea what I was getting myself into there, either.  Now both of these experiences are engraved on my heart.  Forever.

This week wrapped up four years as perfectly as possible.  I can't tightly package these memories into a box and so these past seven days lumped them together into a unique gift basket with a pretty bow on top:  a mix of people and experiences and places.  The last few pages of this chapter were scribbled with heart-to-heart conversations, an IV large group where Jess gave one of the best talks of the year, going out dancing at night, hugging people that I love and I never want to leave, and watching a year of hard work with research come together in one climactic conference.  Laughter and tears.  Academic challenges and Jesus expanding my heart.  IV friends and psychology friends.  Dancing in a club and deep conversations in a stairwell.

It all fell into place perfectly, not in a confined box but in a care-package bursting with love and joy and warmth.  Bursting with a sense of home.

I've been blessed beyond what I ever dreamed up for these college years.

tower of babel and graduation

Today in church we finished up a short series on the Tower of Babel.  I learned a lot from the past couple of weeks on this topic, and I realized that Jesus said so much to me with this one small story.

One of the things that stuck out to me the most is the mere fact that the Lord scattered the people across the earth to continue on with the plan He set forth in Genesis 1:28.  We are in some communities for only a season.  We learn and grow and care for one another.  But the Gospel needs to be spread and the time may come for Jesus to separate our paths.  We can't get too comfortable in towns or neighborhoods or jobs because we have to keep in step with the call.

At Pentecost, the church was new and the believers gathered, prayed, and ate together daily (Acts 2:42-47).  They lived together.  They experienced the Holy Spirit inside of them for the first time together.  They grew together and lives were changed as people continued to experience the Gospel and believe.

But this was all in preparation to send them out.  We are meant to fill the earth with Jesus' name.

We grew here at UMW for four years.  Living together.  Praying and worshiping together.  Crying and laughing together.  Bringing others to Christ.  But it's time for us to leave.

We wish we could all stay in this community forever because it's comfortable and good and full of love.  Yet even with some of us trying to stay in Fredericksburg, we saw clearly that God had other plans for us.  Some are moving across the country, some are moving out of the country, some are moving back home, and some are staying local.  We might be in graduate school or working in ministry or going to work for a business or moving back home without much knowledge as to what the immediate future holds... so many different paths stemming from this one main road we had all been on for so long.

We have been equipped together in preparation for our individual trails.  We have been refined together so that when next month comes we can fiercely proclaim the Gospel in whatever setting we find ourselves in.

Babel wasn't a curse.  It was the Lord intervening to continue the plan of His people filling the earth.  All of us being scattered across the world after graduation isn't a curse either:  it's the fulfillment of His plan to send us out.  It's the extension of this blessing that for a season entailed us being equipped together.

Not a curse, but a blessing.

senioritis

I get all cozy and ready to study.  Computer open on my bed with the neuro lab documents up.  Sheep brain dissection book open next to me.  A pile of note cards and my favorite pen just waiting for use.  And a cup of steaming hot coffee (or tea, depending on the time of day we're talking about) sitting on my desk.  I'm all ready to study.

my set up for the past few days

But then I log onto facebook.  Repeatedly.  Make phone calls.  Open up my Bible.  Open up the "for fun" book I'm reading.  Open up this blog...

I've just hit that senioritis point.  Now don't get me wrong.  I am lovin' my 491 Research Team.  If I sit down to do work for that project then I do it and I put my effort 100% into it.  That's where my interest lies.  That's also the only 3 credits I actually need to graduate (someone tell me why did I take a FULL hard load of classes, namely neurobiology, when I only need this 491 Team to graduate?!).  That's also the class where I feel most like an adult because my professor treats it much like grad school work.

I am so close to the real world that I can taste it.  All I want to do is prep my mind and body and soul for next year's ministry internship.  All I want to do is put my time into this research team because it feels like real world work.  All I want to do is make plans for graduation weekend and look at apartments and apply for jobs...

Yet for some reason I chose to "finish college strong" and take 10 extra credits that I don't need of killer hard courses.  College senioritis looks a lot different from high school senioritis, but it definitely still exists.

My mind has moved on from here.  I have loved the past four years.  I love life now!  I mean, I enjoy my classes and living in Fredericksburg (I really, really love this town) and being walking distance from so many wonderful friends.  I will miss college like you wouldn't believe.  But for the first time this weekend, I felt old.  I looked around at all the students at the multicultural fair and I realized for the first time that somehow over four years I had grown up.  Somehow college flew by and I'm not this care-free college student anymore (well... in three weeks at least).  Everyone looked so young.  And I realized how my conversations have drastically changed, as well.  My motives and priorities... they've all made this shift without me really being aware.

When did we all grow up?

the LORD will watch over your coming and going
   both now and forevermore.
(Psalm 121:8)

He brought me to Fredericksburg for a season.  Now the time to part from this campus is creeping up.  But I'm so excited for the plans He has for me!  Though I don't want to wish away these last few weeks of living with friends and being a resident of Virginia, I find myself daydreaming about this summer and next year (and no more tests/labs!!!!) far too often.  I have loved being a college student, but I've outgrown it as well.  Two months ago moving on from here was freaking me out and giving me anxiety.  But now I can say with confidence that I'm ready for that scary step of entering the world as an adult.  Transitions are made easier when I know that Jesus has my coming and going under control.

Now to only somehow make myself focus on my classes for three more weeks...

andddddd back to studying for neuro.
(maybe.)
;b

Aladdin

Aladdin was just on TV so I decided to eat my dinner while I watched the last half of it.  I have got to get the Disney princess movies on DVD because I just love them.  While I realize there are multiple things wrong with these movies (we actually recently talked about this in my social psych class) something really stuck out to me today.

At the end Jafar used his third wish to be turned into a genie.  He wanted to be the most powerful man in the world and have the ability to magically make anything happen.  But what he didn't realize was that in being turned into a genie, though he would have the ability to do all things, he would live a life in chains.  Genies aren't free.  [In Aladdin] genies are mystical creatures that live their lives in a confined space (a lamp), with shackles on their wrists--only called out when someone rubs the lamp.  They live their lives to serve their masters, never using their powers for anything other than being a slave to someone else.  Jafar received this pseudofreedom.

Sometimes we choose lives of sin because we think that having the power to make our own choices and write our own endings somehow makes us free.  What we don't realize is that when this happens, we are actually trading the freedom that Christ offers us to be a prisoner.  The chains clasp around our hands and we realize that we've been tricked.  Satan is so quick to deceive us.

Freedom does not come when you use your resources to only make yourself more powerful.  Freedom comes when you resist sin and rely fully on Christ to fill you.  Living for yourself has the illusion of liberty, but living for Jesus is what actually provides that freedom.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)

love that mary wash.

The sun has started to rise earlier, making my walk to open the fitness center in the mornings much less scary and much more bearable.  This morning after picking up the key from the police station at 6:30 I walked the close-to-a-mile journey throughout campus to the gym.  It was cool but not too cold, light out but not extremely bright yet, and completely deserted.

This has been my home for four years.

I looked at all of the buildings and spots on campus, memories swirling around in my mind.  I remembered meeting a group of friends for the first time at the fountain during week one of freshman year.  Going to Obama's rally on Ball Circle later that fall.  Sitting and crying on the hill in front of the library when I asked Jesus into my heart sophomore year.  Finding out on the Lee Hall terrace that I would get to serve the Lord on C-Team for IV.  Running experiments in Chandler and dreading my bio/chem labs in Jepson.  Playing multiple games of capture the flag throughout campus after large group.  Meetings with Rob in the Nest and Jess in the Underground.  Going to basketball games in the Anderson Center.  Buying my cap and gown last month in the bookstore.  It all went by so fast.

But this morning the walk was serene and peaceful and I breathed in the cool spring morning.  Time alone.  Time to appreciate the beautiful campus without the rush of mid-day, without running to class or worrying about studying.  Time to really thank Jesus for bringing me here.

Home?  What is home?  On earth home is just where God has you for a period of time.  A place where you're invested emotionally while you live there physically.  A place where there are people you love and that love you in return.  A place that will always be a part of you even long after you leave it.

This campus has shaped me and prepared me for the next season in more ways than one.

I didn't feel sadness this morning on my walk.
I felt content.
       And blessed.
                  And full.
                      And thankful.

Pruning

My friend Thomas Johnson once told me something that will stick with me forever.  He said that when grapes are growing on a vine they are very small and really barely grapes at all.  There are just too many branches, resulting in each branch blocking sunlight from another.  So the person growing the grapes cuts all of the branches except for the three best ones.  He cuts the bad branches, the average ones, and even some good ones--that way the three best ones can grow and thrive.

Pruning.

Cutting out bad stuff in our lives is challenging, but we do it because we know it's in our best interests.  Cutting out the good stuff so that we only have room for the best?  Now that's a bit of a challenge.  Sometimes we have to cut out certain church activities so that we can make room for the one activity that we are called to really minister in.  Sometimes we have to cut down on classes so that we can focus on other courses that are slightly more important at the time.  Sometimes we have to put certain relationships on hold for a season while we are trying to really work on building (or mending) a relationship with someone else.

I had an opportunity to present my research at a (basically all-paid for) national psychology conference in Chicago.  The only problem is that I would have to hop on a plane one day after getting home from Basileia:  a retreat (much like Rockbridge) that I'm going to in order to kick off my intern IV staff year.  Logistically, I could do them both.


Spiritually, I don't think that was a possibility.  I think that I would not have been able to give Basileia my all, not to mention the fact that I would have been ill-prepared during the convention.  It was a difficult choice:  do them both or give up going to this once-in-a-lifetime research conference?

My time spent as a psychology major has been such a blessing.  I've learned a plethora of knowledge in undergrad and acquired amazing life-skills by being on this research team.  But right now I am called into ministry and I need to put down this good of academia to allow my job in ministry to really thrive.


Pruning.

I felt so relieved after telling my professor that I would not be attending the post-graduation conference.  This whole process made me realize that I am not very good at pruning.  I take classes that are completely unnecessary (neurobiology, hello...) and take on tasks that I could have delegated.  I say yes to too many social activities with too many groups of friends and leave little time to really cultivate the relationships.  I read many great Christian books, but leave little time to just spend in prayer with Jesus.

Pruning.

I'm learning it's important if I want to grow healthy grapes.
       And really...
                 If I want to grow any grapes at all.

we are bodily people

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Thessalonians 5:23)

The author of 1 Thessalonians (which most scholars agree is Paul.. so for the sake of this entry we'll just call the author Paul) wrote this right after giving the people of Thessalonica instructions for righteous living.  Actually, a few verses before this one--in verse 10--he says "[Jesus] died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him."

The purpose of life is to live together with Him (verse 10) and for Him (really all of 1 Thessalonians 5).  We can only live righteously when we commit to a relationship with Him that involves Him sanctifying us (verse 23).  And as we see in this key verse (verse 5), this sanctification process involves your spirit, soul, and body.


Wait... what?

I've spent the majority of my Christian walk believing lies that only my soul matters.  My flesh is sinful.  Only my soul and spirit yearn for Jesus.

But this is only a partial Truth.

God created us with spirit, soul, and body and nothing He does is by accident.  All three are important.  All three interact.  This is why when you don't get enough sleep (a physical need) your soul is also affected (spiritual).  This is why when your brain lacks enough serotonin (a physical need) your soul is also affected by depression (spiritual).  This is why when you exercise, endorphins are produced (a physical need) and your soul feels better (spiritual).  This is why when you read Scripture (a spiritual need) your whole body feels revived and energized (physical).  This is why when you commit a physical sin (say for example, gossiping or committing adultery) it comes from a deeper root inside of you (like pride or sexual brokenness).

...really I could go on and on.

Our bodies are sinful, but so are our souls.  My thoughts are just as evil as my actions.  I have a sinful nature, not a sinful body or a sinful soul.

So the full Truth sounds more like this:  My innate nature is sinful, but my entire being yearns for Jesus and through the death and resurrection of my Savior I can participate in being refined for His Kingdom.

More simply put?  My spirit, soul, and body are all interacting and are all called to sanctification.

In my understanding, when Scripture speaks about sins "in the flesh" the word flesh encompasses everything about our sinful natures.  It does not only pertain to our bodies.  The word flesh (to me anyway) means my broken nature.  It's sort of like when Scripture refers to the world as evil--the world was created by God and is meant to be good, but sin has made much of it broken.  And living for the world is used as a metaphor for living for our sin as opposed to living for the Kingdom.  Just like living for our flesh is used as a metaphor for living for our sinful natures as opposed to living for Jesus.

²³ May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. ²⁴ The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it. 

Paul immediately after says that Jesus will sanctify us.  He is powerful and loving and just and good.  But He also wants us to participate in that process and live together with Him (verse 10).  That's why Paul offers us instructions in this chapter.  Because Jesus invites us into a relationship, not a puppeteer interaction.  He wants us to give our lives to Him to be sanctified (so that He can then do all the work on us).

...here I go making what I thought was going to be a short blog entry oober long once again haha so I'll try to get back to my point...

We are called to sanctification and our spiritual healthiness comes from an interaction of that spirit, soul, and body that He gave us.  My idea that my soul needs to be worked on was only a half-truth because I was leaving out the fact that my soul is constantly working together with my body.

This is the lesson that I've been learning over the past month or so.

I've been frustrated for years (with myself, with my past, and with God) that I couldn't seem to find healing in a certain area.  The entire category was infecting me like a disease--infiltrating my thoughts and actions and emotions--consuming me and suffocating me like ash in the aftermath of a volcanic eruption.  But then I realized (through many, many amazing books on this topic and time spent in Scripture) that just working on the spiritual side was not enough.  Most of this brokenness was coming from the fact that I did not respect my body as part of God's creation.  I viewed my body as bad and sinful and disgusting when really, we are meant to be bodily people.

So all at once I started going to the gym 6 days a week, taking vitamins, drinking water, and actually taking note of not only the calories that I put into my body but also the nutritional value of what I put into my body.  Today I even ran outside which is something I have never, in 21 years, never ever done.  And what I've learned during these past four weeks of being physically healthy is that I am experiencing healing.

I'm not 100% there yet.  My cognitions and emotions and actions still fall short at times.  But everything I've been learning over the past two years on a spiritual level are interacting with what God's been teaching me on a physical level.  And it is through this interaction that I can vividly see sanctification in my life in an area that I at times doubted the Lord would heal in me.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Thessalonians 5:23)

My body is made for good.  For purpose.  As a biopsychology major, this is something that I've definitely learned and been able to appreciate at a far deeper understanding.  Jesus gives us spirit, soul, and body and He wants us to submit all to Him.

The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it. (1 Thessalonians 5:24)

Jesus is so good.  I can't believe I ever doubted that He would heal me.  All the while He was just waiting for me to understand.  He was waiting for me to work with Him and submit to Him.  He was waiting for His daughter to appreciate His creation of her body and not just her soul.