dying to self

People have brought to my attention recently that I haven't posted a blog in a very long time.  I must offer up my apologies for that, especially to my out-of-state friends who read this to keep up-to-date on my life.

Truth is, I don't know what to say.  My mind is in a constant state of spinning--sometimes with good things, sometimes with hard things--and to articulate those fragments of what I've been learning is a bit difficult.

For the basics, I was hired by InterVarsity Christian Fellowship for full-time Staff at The College of New Jersey on December 7th.  [To see my website/blog-in-progress regarding staff work, go here.]  I've been busy with end-of-the-year finances at my part time job (church bookkeeper), am in the beginning process of raising funds (for InterVarsity), and have been doing prep with my students for New Student Outreach (which starts this up-coming week).  Somewhere in the middle of that craziness was a very short holiday season and then I headed off for a week to InterVarsity's tri-annual missions conference called Urbana (located in St. Louis, MO).

In the past month or so, I've had some absolutely insane encounters with the Holy Spirit, have been learning that I have some serious wounds from my past that need healing, have come to recognize that I need to love more [and better], and have begun to realize that I've lived with a lot of pride for a long time.  I've also learned that when you are a person in ministry, people view you a different way.  Suddenly the tides shift and there are expectations that people unknowingly hold about you.

Truth is, I'm just a very average person.  Truth is, I'm just a sinner saved by grace like everybody else.  I laugh some moments and struggle during others.  I delight in showing people The Way and at times feel like I am terrible at "being a Christian."  I'm honestly no one special and have done nothing great.  All I know is that Christ lives in me.  And He has redeemed me and is in the process of making me new.  And I am willing to go where He sends me.

I am learning a lot about myself and my constant need of a Savior these days.

The more I am brought face-to-face with my sin, the more the state of my heart saddens me.
The more I am surprised at God's decision to put me (of all people) in ministry.
The humbler I become before God.

Some days I am so in touch with the Spirit and feel so very free.
Other days the work that Jesus is doing in my heart hurts so much.

On those days I feel like He is detoxing me from my sinful thoughts and actions to the point that every part of me hurts.  I'm afraid to even get out of bed and begin a day if I know I will only be at war.  I question why He desires to work through me in my community and on the campus of TCNJ.  It feels like I am drinking poison, as the distraught state of my mind manifests itself emotionally, spiritually, and physically in me.

But that's exactly what it is that hurts:
Dying to self.

When Jesus said to take up my cross daily and follow Him, He meant it. (Luke 9:23)

Crucifixion is a slow and painful death.
Taking up my cross is something that I must repeat.  Daily.  I can't choose to die to self today and not tomorrow.

Regardless of the hurt, I must be obedient.  Even if that means facing giants in my life.  Even if that means looking at my own imperfect reflection and choosing to engage in battle.

Because He lives in me I can overcome.  Because He is working through me, I am fighting from a place of victory. [Even if I have to tell myself that over and over.]

In ten days, I leave for a two week trip to Israel with my church.  My hope is that while I'm there--on a trip that is focused on time with God in the places He walked here on earth--He'll meet me.  My hope is that He'll continue working on my heart and reminding me that dying to self is worth it because He is worth it.

Because the end goal is Jesus.

stories in the mess

Working two jobs and barely having time to even eat meals, chores were far from my radar this month. Not only did the unclean laundry pile up on my floor, but the Christmas presents (and wrapping paper) and the new fund development materials that InterVarsity sent me lined every inch of my floor.

Generally, my life is filled with clutter.  But when the messy becomes burdensome, something's gotta give.  For the past several days I was filled with worry any time I hopped out of my room that I would sprain my ankle in my attempts at dodging clothes and important (oops) documents and whatever else layered the floor.

And so a safe path in and out of my room became my project for Saturday.

Never mind the dirty laundry--that task was easy.  It was putting order to the work material that made me want to pull my hair out.  Before I could even think about organizing it (which I haven't really gotten to yet) I had to thoroughly clean out my desk.

But in an afternoon that I had been dreading for weeks, I found a sort of peace.  Somewhere amidst the messy, stories of my life danced about.

I found pictures from my toddler years that I held in my hand and remembered how small and innocent and pure I was back then.

When in doubt, assume I'm the one in the Wizard of Oz gear.

I boxed up photos from my middle school years and my heart broke when I thought of the downward spiral that began for me sometime in those "tween" days.

I threw away memories from my darkest late high school/early college years that I did not want to keep.  But I looked at each photo first.  And I allowed my mind to trail back to that standstill in time.  And I wasn't just throwing away pictures.  I was throwing away stories.

One by one, I threw away my past.  Sin by sin.  Heartbreak by heartbreak.  I let them go.

And after a garbage bag was full of trash and a box was labeled and ready for the attic, I pushed those snapshots away from my life.  My past may have led me along the way, but it sure doesn't define me anymore.  I have been washed.  I have been cleaned.

I am a new creation.

Amid the physical messiness of my room, the messiness of the timeline of my life and the past brokenness of my spirit emerged.  I emptied those desk drawers and boxed up those old albums so that I could fill those drawers with my Scriptural references and InterVarsity material.

Throwing out the old to make room for the new.

As I added my last stack of fund development cards and closed the drawer, I could tangibly see that.  Over the past several years, Jesus had one-by-one been removing my past and working on my heart to make room for this new life.

To make room for Him.

My room?  Still pretty cluttered.  My heart?  Still pretty messy.

But there's a pathway through my room now.  And I don't have to be afraid of twisting my ankle.  A pathway that leads me right to my King.

Your Presence

Twice in the past twenty four hours I have felt the presence of God around me like never before.  Last night I was laying in my bed, reading a book about a missionary, and all of a sudden the air felt thick with His presence.  Jesus was there.  I knew it.

I was afraid to move, unsure if it would cause this intimate interaction with Him to break.  I averted my gaze from the pages of my book and looked around my room.  Physically I couldn't see Him, but it felt like His Spirit was completely enveloping me.

And then today as I was praying out loud in the same spot on my bed where I encountered Him last night, I felt Him again.  It wasn't as strong of a sixth sense as it had been the previous night, but this time I heard answers to my prayers.  I literally sat on my bed conversing with Jesus.  I didn't hear an audible voice, but words were being spoken to me--something that I realize sounds strange but I don't know how else to explain it.  I've only ever really heard Jesus in this way a few times before and most of those times were with really big decisions.  This conversation wasn't about a big decision.  I was simply feeling tempted by my flesh and He responded to my cries for help.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

About a week ago, I felt attacked by the enemy and in a helpless spiritual state.  Chains needed to be broken.  Action needed to be taken.  But I was afraid to move.

You see, it's easy to become stagnant in certain areas of your walk.  Not wanting to give over that (be it time, energy, a specific sin, etc).  Wanting the road to always be "easy."  Never wanting to engage in battle.  But the truth is, it's impossible to progress if something is stagnant.  Actually I would argue that stagnancy isn't even actually possible.  If you feel stuck in the day-to-day, I would argue that you are moving backwards.  You are either drawing closer to God or farther from Him.  Living in a sinful world, it's impossible to just stay the same.

Additionally, the more I took steps toward these battle-lines of ministry that I now find myself in, the more the enemy made it his objective to take me out.

After many conversations (with friends and with Jesus) and many tears, I finally broke.  I finally gave in to Him.  I finally started wrestling with my sin from a place of victory instead of a place of uncertainty (1 Corinthians 15:57; 2 Peter 1:3).

I finally started taking seriously my spiritual disciplines and carving out multiple devotional times a day.   I started taking seriously the way that the world affects me and have been averting my attention from particular sensory input that my brain receives throughout the day.

And let me tell you friends, it has made all the difference.

I believe that because I've allowed myself to be diligent in spending time with Jesus this week, I was able to be in-tune to the Spirit like I have never been before.  I'm not special or important.  Jesus didn't reveal Himself clearly to me twice in the past 24 hours because I'm a saint (trust me, I'm far from one).

The reality is, He's always been there.  I just had chosen to ignore Him most of the time.  I've been known to not give Him the hang out time that He deserves and to allow one too many things to slide into what I permit to infect my mind.  As soon as I started to engage in that battle and fight the input that I was receiving from the world... as soon as I started to truly give time to spending with Jesus... the cloud that the world had put around my senses was lifted.

And I was free to feel Him and hear from Him.

Lesson learned:  Don't ever think that I "have it under control" for a week and can go a few days without allotting any time for Jesus.

He is Lord.  And He wants to spend time with me each day.  And He will do whatever it takes to bring me back to Him when He sees me going in my own direction.  He pursues me even when I don't pursue Him.

Talk about amazing grace.

I breathe You in

I lay still in this open room.

I breathe in.

And out.

Slowly,

   Deeply.

      Eyes closed.

I breathe You in, God.

Because You surround me.

This air is light.

It has become so

                     natural

without the humdrum of

                               normal.

Laying down these swords that fight the battles.

For now,

For today,

I will lay here.

(Still.)

With You.

For now,

For today,

I will breathe out the aroma of war,

And breathe in You.

As You fill me up to send me out.

Spiritual Formation Retreat

On our ride home from the overnight Spiritual Formation Retreat (for InterVarsity Staff), I found myself reflecting out loud to my (soon-to-be) supervisor.

"On your way home from this retreat last year, you met me while I was home for Thanksgiving at Panera.  At that point, I left the conversation almost positive that I'd pursue a volunteer year in the Blue Ridge Region. And now here we are, coming back from the same retreat just one year later.  Can you believe that was only a year ago?  I feel like I've been in this region forever.  I feel like I've known you guys my entire life."

That thought boggled my mind.

The downstate New York and New Jersey staff teams spent the past two days encountering Jesus and fellowshipping with one another.  Some of the people (like Chris and Christine) I spend almost every day with.  Some people (like my Central/South New Jersey Area Team) I see/talk to/pray with on a pretty regular basis.  And others I had only met once or twice before.

But regardless, most of the people that I spent the past 24 hours with I truly feel like I've known forever.  These people have welcomed me with open arms into this region and I've been blown away by how well each person has cared for me as not only a staff worker, but as a sister in Christ.

This week I found myself in multiple laughing fits as we played Train Wreck (or "fruit basket" as this region calls it) and lovingly teased each other like siblings so often do.  I realized that even though I am usually shy at first and even though I had only met several people a couple of times, I was able to completely be my crazy ENFJ self.  I even realized that any time extroversion was mentioned people automatically looked at me.  (An intervention for my caffeine addiction was also apparently discussed while I was in the bathroom at one point...)  Shockingly, on the first day I found myself in tears telling my deepest, darkest secret to some of these co-workers and asking for prayer that Jesus would meet me in that place.  These people know me.  Deeply.  From my stupid love for coffee to my goofy personality and to the wounds that cut me the deepest.  They. Know. Me.

Home.  That's what this region feels like.  Home.

As much as I've tried to fight it, as much as I so miss my fellowship in Virginia, I can never go back.  I'm building relationships in my town, in my church, and in this InterVarsity Region.  I'm seeing it confirmed time and time again that this is truly the place Jesus led me to--that nothing over the past four years was an accident.  Everything has led to me applying for InterVarsity Staff in this region.

How did a place that I avoided for so many years so easily come to be where I know I belong?  Jesus.  That's how.  I laugh when I think that I ever thought I could run from this calling to NY/NJ.  This calling to staff.  It amuses me to think I doubted that Jesus would lovingly perfectly place all these pieces of the puzzle together.

It still hurts when I call my best friends on the phone and know they are hours and hours away.  It still hurts when I come home to a house that's empty of roommates and laughter.  It still hurts when I know that my community is just going to look different here than it did in college.

But I love it all the same.  And I'm content.  And I'm full.  And I'm comfortable.

Settle down, it'll all be clear.

Don't pay no mind to the demons,

They fill you with fear.

The trouble it might drag you down.

If you get lost, you can always be found.

Just know you're not alone,

Cause I'm gonna make this place your home.

Hitting a deer to learn I am dear to Him

I'm on my way home from a prayer meeting last night when out of the corner of my eye I see a deer charging my car.  I felt like I was the red flag in a bull fight.  It hit the front corner on the driver's side, slid into the entire front end, and rolled away.  Within minutes, two cop cars came.

Officer #1:  "What'd you do to Bambi?!"
Me:  "Wahhhh I didn't mean to...."
Officer #1:  "Are you gonna cry?"
Me:  "Maybe over the fact that I don't have money to fix my car."
Officer #2:  "Did it have antlers?"
Me:  "WHAT?!  I don't know?  It flew at me!"
Officer #2:  "It FLEW?  Great.  You ruined Christmas."
[Hilarious.]

As much as I was annoyed at the financial and situational inconvenience (I now won't have a car for awhile), I could feel how much Jesus had divinely intervened to protect me.  This animal could have smashed through my windshield at the speed in which it was traveling.  It also came just inches from pounding into the driver's side doors.  But instead of hurting me, it left the front of my car beat up and me inside safe and warm.  I mean, the air bags didn't even go off.

Gregg was still at the prayer meeting and so I called him to drive down the road and come pick me up while they towed my poor little vehicle away.  Even though I felt like I inconvenienced him, he kept asking me if I was okay and even read me Scripture when he could tell my frustration with the expenses was getting to me.  He explained insurance to me, handled talking to the tow truck guy... all things that I was too cold (I wasn't wearing a coat...) and shy to do on my own.

Robin called us to see if I was okay after he told her what happened.  She immediately asked if I needed a ride to work in the morning.

When I got home and posted a short status on facebook about it, my notifications BLEW UP.  People were commenting left and right asking me if I was okay and trying to figure out my rides to and from work for the next few weeks.  At one point, a couple of women from church were literally talking without me responding on their own, trying to figure out how to get me a car.

I am truly blessed.  I was sitting on my bed, in my warm house, safe and completely unharmed, watching a Duke game (we won, by the way!), as I continued to read the conversation that these women were having to try and serve me.

Jesus was showering me with blessings.  Teaching me to appreciate the community that He has given me, even if it doesn't look the specific way I requested (i.e. I don't have roommates).  Teaching me that He is keeping me safe and has plans for me and wants me here in this town, at this school, in this church for a reason.  I don't have to worry about not having a paying job, not being around my friends from college, and not being in what I consider to be a "perfect town."  I don't even have to worry about accidents like these because He's got me.  Because I'm His daughter.

Because He has great plans for me right here.

It took hitting a deer for me to realize how much He holds my life in His hands.
Sorry little guy, wish it could have happened some other way...

let's go deeper.

Intimacy with God.

Sometimes, my walk seriously lacks intimacy.  Sometimes my relationship with Jesus is full of worship songs, second-long prayer requests, and (reluctantly) studying difficult parts of the bible to grow in knowledge.

These things are good, but where's the intimacy?

Rarely do I ever just chat with Jesus.  Rarely do I ever just allow myself to have fun with Him.

Rarely do I do anything (cleaning my room, showering, driving, working out, etc) without music on.  And even though most of my playlists are Christian artists, it begs the question...

Where is the quiet?

Where is the room to hear His response to me?

I can't really consider it a conversation if I do all of the talking and none of the listening.

Sometimes my relationship feels more like a space for me to vent and for me to list all of my requests (and even to just list all of my praises) before Him.  And even though Jesus desires for me to present my requests to Him, He desires so much more than just that.  Even though Jesus desires for me to in-depthly study Scripture to discover more of who He is, He desires so much more than just that.

Today I commit to more quiet.  More music-less car rides.  More meditating on the Word, rather than just study.

I'm grateful that I work with a bunch of people who do have this intimacy with Jesus.  I praise God in the way knowing them over these past 6 months has helped to shape and advance my own spiritual walk.  I'm grateful that I can leave work at the end of the day and say, "Jesus, I want to know you like he/she knows you.  I want more of that."

Jesus is ready and eager to have an intimate relationship with me.  And sometimes I let Him.  But sometimes my own agenda gets in the way.

Today I commit to more hearing and less talking.  More time hanging out and less time working.  My extreme extroverted-ness and achiever-mentality make both of those things a challenging stepping stone for me.

But I commit to more being and less doing.

More intimacy.

John 15:4

Remain in me, as I also remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.