Christian Unity Week

For the past seven days it has been Christian Unity Week here at Mary Wash.  Last year we didn't have it at all and my freshman year it apparently wasn't a big thing (I didn't go so I wouldn't know).  So the group of us that have been meeting to plan it for the past few months went into it with ideas that we would bring it back with a bang on our campus.  We had an event planned every day for a week to show the different ministries on campus that, regardless of denomination and background, we all have one common goal:  to show Christ's light to our school.  I wanted to teach our chapter of InterVarsity that being united as a common army of Christ is important (John 17:22-23).  Over the years, hostility had developed between the different ministries due to competition for having the strongest leaders and the most numbers.  We were all too caught up in wanting to be liked and wanting to be the best (Matthew 18:1) that we lost sight of our common mission, our common love, our common joy.

Last year when my friend from the BCM and I were throwing around the idea of bringing Christian Unity Week back, my goal was to show IV how important it is to be united.  This year when we started planning and meeting and organizing, I realized that was the goal for each one of us.  It didn't matter the ministry (IV, BCM, CCM, The Gathering... etc), we ALL wanted to emphasize that to our chapters.  What I didn't realize going into this whole thing that Jesus was teaching me something in the process.

I haven't talked to anyone about Christian Unity Week yet, so I'm not sure if anyone was changed by it or learned something.  But I do know that I definitely did.  In trying to teach my chapter about Christian Unity, I learned the actual extreme importance of it myself.  I made good friends with the other students that were also planning it and I think I can speak for the few of us leaders that God completely humbled us in the process and created this bond between us that can never be broken.

Large group last night was our final event of the week.  Before we started, the five of us that did most of the planning had a small meeting where we talked about how we don't want Christian Unity to end with this week.  We want to (probably once a month) join the other ministries for their big weekly events.  We want the Christian Unity Week band to continue playing together for events.  We want to continue to fellowship together and grow in our walk with Christ by learning from the different groups and denominations.

Psalm 133:1  How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!

I am so glad that the Lord called me to help plan this week because He taught me more than I anticipated.

Little Things

So yesterday I was in the worst of moods.  I woke up at 6:30am, barely had enough time to rush through a devotion from My Utmost For His Highest, let alone read some Scripture.  Low and behold, without a sufficient quiet time my mood was cranky and irritable.  I had class from 8am-noon and then rushed off to work at Borders from 1pm-9pm.

I was acting like a tired miserable college kid, to say the least.  Definitely not shining Christ's light into my work place and definitely not as enthusiastic with customers as I usually am.  All I kept thinking about were the piles and piles of homework I had waiting for me at home-- that I would not be able to even start until the following afternoon because I worked the next morning (THIS morning!) as well.  I was stuck in a mood and I knew it.

So I, still acting semi-annoyed, picked up the schedule from behind the register to see who was coming to relieve me so that I could go sell books on the floor.  I saw that my friend Brandy was coming in and I was immediately filled with joy.  Brandy isn't my closest friend at Borders-- actually we barely talk except for at work.  But she's crazy and outgoing and knows how to make me laugh.  And so my bad mood slightly began to fade.

From 5pm-6pm I had a dinner break and I was planning on meeting Steph at Qdoba.  I was looking forward to being able to sit down and chat about our days.  When I walked in, I saw Matt Wallace sitting with her and was so surprised and happy!  TWO friends came and lightened my day!  Of course throughout our meal I was chatting away (because I had barely socialized all day) and was laughing until I couldn't even speak at times.  It was just what I needed on my break.

When I returned to Borders to finish my shift, I saw my friend Jessica coming in to join me and Brandy at the register.  I had no idea she was even working!  I hadn't worked with her in months and I was so thrilled to catch up with her.

As soon as I opened my heart up, God starting being able to work in me.  From there out I started praying more and talking to my unbelieving co-workers about my relationship with Him more.  God even answered a prayer that I'd been praying for since school started by showing me a book to buy.

That's when I realized:  It's amazing how much a difference it makes to keep my heart open, regardless of what is going on in my life, regardless of how busy I am.  I need to be consistently listening for God's voice and trying to shine His light no matter where I am.

I'm heading off to work right now... with a prayer that today I will be a better foreign ambassador for Christ in this world.

Flights of Doubt Covered by Grace

All throughout Scripture, we're told that all we need is to have faith in Christ (Ephesians 2:8; Luke 7:50; 1 John 5:4...).  It is so relieving to know that no matter the sin I have committed in my life if I just have faith, the Father looks on me with loving eyes that see His Son's past instead of mine.  I am covered by His blood.  And all I have to do is believe.  Grace is a pretty awesome (and undeserved) gift.

But sometimes, it's a little difficult to have faith.  And so I ask why?  Why is it hard for me to just put my trust in the Lord?  He is constantly pouring out His grace, love, and forgiveness onto me and constantly holding onto me when I stray.  He restores my life each morning and has saved my life.  He asks one small task of me:  that I have faith and just believe that He has everything under control.  Why is this hard?

Sometimes when I pray about Him changing the hearts of my family and friends, in the back of my mind I'm doubting whether or not He could actually be that powerful. (Which, I may add, is extremely naive because He changed my heart, and I was one of those "Sauls/Pauls.")  Sometimes when I worry about my future, I wonder if I will miss the opportunities God places in my path to do His will.  I doubt the fact that He has my life under control and a firm grip on me.

This week is the first week of classes for the semester and because I'm in the lovely psychology and biology departments, I'm constantly hearing from professors during this time of year that "God doesn't exist" because "He disrupts the law of nature."  Today that happened in two of my psychology classes.  And I sit there, watching everyone else around me nod in agreement when the professors say things like "we don't have souls" and "religion isn't related to science" (to that one I say, please read recent books such as Evidence for God by Michael Licona) and "Christian psychology doesn't exist."  While I watch their eager-to-soak-up-science faces and listen to the professors rant, I can't help but once every few lectures wonder, "Maybe we are just a bunch of electrochemical signals..."  Of course I then realize how ridiculous my thought process was and ask Jesus to forgive my sudden millisecond of doubt.  It's the biggest downside about being a science major (and minor).

Even if we don't all admit it, we are all guilty of not putting our trust and faith in solely the Lord 100% of the time.  James 1:6 says, "But let him ask in faith, without any doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven by the wind and tossed."  That's why our lives are constantly being tossed by the winds of the world-- the winds of sin.  If we were always confident in our faith, then there would be no room for us to mess up.  Even when we sin it's because we think we know more than the Lord what we want for ourselves.  We don't trust that He knows us better than we know ourselves.

So I feel awful when I have a flight of doubt.  Jesus asks one thing of me and even then I repeatedly fall short.  But today while I was reading Matthew I came across something that made me feel a little more at ease.  In Matthew 16, Peter tells Jesus (without any prompting) that he believes Jesus is the Son of God.  But then in Matthew 17, God speaks to Peter, James, and John and tells them that Jesus is His Son.  Right after they hear from God, the three of them question Jesus about this.  They refer to the book of Malachi when they ask Him how He could be the Son of God if it was prophesied that Elijah was going to come before the Son.  Jesus explains that Elijah did already come (in a metaphor as John the Baptist) and the three disciples understand and believe the words God spoke.

The point is... Peter believed Jesus was the Son of God and then not long after, doubted it again (even after receiving more evidence from God the Father!!!).  Jesus constantly gives us more evidence that He is working in our lives by answering prayer.  God is slowly showing His existence through new developments in science (though some of my professors disregard that...).  But when we get into a freak-out doubting mode, we tend to forget that and ask Him one more time, "Wait, You're sure You got this, right?"

Peter, one of Jesus' disciples, was confused and doubting.  God doesn't expect us to understand it all the time either.  And our faith won't be perfected until we reach Heaven anyway.  So until that day, the learning and the believing needs to be in constant progress.  And every time a prayer or question is answered, we're pushed into a closer relationship with Christ.  Awesome, right?

PASSION 2011

So for the past several days I was in Atlanta with Carol, Ellen, Courtney, and Courtney's sister (Bri) for Passion 2011.  For those of you who don't know, Passion is a four day Christian conference (January 1-4) that around 22,000 college students attend.  Famous speakers like Beth Moore, Francis Chan, and John Piper were there, as well as famous singers such as Chris Tomlin, Lecrae, Tenth Avenue North, and Matt Redman.  I went last year too, and even still God blew my mind this year again.

I am on a Jesus high.  That's the only way to describe it.  We tend to get so wrapped up in the world, thinking that temporary things like clothes or food or friendship or marriage will ultimately satisfy us.  And when we're left still feeling empty we're confused.  That's because only Jesus has a 100% guaranteed satisfaction.  For the past six months, I think I lost sight of that.  I was so set on having lots of friends, yearning for a boyfriend, getting good grades, and working a lot of hours so that I could have money to waste.  I was putting all of those things before my relationship with Christ.  Satan completely fooled me by making me believe that if I just have one more "thing," I will feel content.  My sin was literally controlling my behavior every day.  But now, Passion 2011 reminded me that only a relationship with Christ can fill each and every void.  And if I have Jesus, nothing else matters.

Currently, all I want to do is have quiet times and memorize Scripture and be in constant prayer.  I just want to be with God.  Always.  And it is such a great feeling.  Since I'm alone in my apartment until Sunday, I started memorizing a Psalm.

The thing though is that, while yes I am on this amazing Jesus high, I know that it stems from the "Passion high."  Given a few weeks or months of living in this world, the struggle of resisting sin and finding the time to read Scripture mid-semester will become more difficult.  And the more I give in to those feelings of "oh I'm too tired/busy/stressed/sick to have God-time," the more the world will infect me.  I look at it as Jesus gives us this amazing vitamin c that produces antibodies inside of us.  But if we aren't taking in our vitamin c, the antibodies will begin to dwindle.  And then, if we begin to give in to the things of this world, they will infect us like a bacteria.  And we won't have enough antibodies to fight it off, so the bacteria will replicate inside of us.

In non-bio terms (hahaha), without a daily dose of Jesus, we will become infected by the world quicker than we'd like to admit.  At Passion 2011, Beth Moore referred to Luke 2:18-19 in one of her talks.  In this passage, after Jesus was born everyone was stunned by the amazement of it all, but Mary "pondered it in her heart."  She thought it through.  That's what we all need:  the ability to think through the obvious.  Beth Moore said that yes, Passion 2011 is amazing, but amazing won't change our lives.  We must think through the amazing.

That's why I've started memorizing Scripture.  I need to give myself stricter Jesus "homework."  I can't skip a bunch of days of quiet times.  I need to continue pressing through and spending time with the Lord daily.  Because when this high that I'm feeling fades, I'll need the antibodies to fight the bacteria of this world.

Habituated to the World

Sometimes I can be so oblivious to how encapsulated I am in the world that surrounds me.  I don't even realize the ways I think, speak, and act are all influenced by this tainted society.  I have become desensitized to so much that should make me cringe.  Many lyrics in songs, scenes in movies, and activities that my friends partake in for some reason just seem "normal" to me.  Maybe part of this is because I grew up learning the ways of the world, before I knew Christ.  But maybe each one of us feels a little enslaved to the world.  Living in this world but not becoming part of it is the most difficult task, because it can consume us so easily.

After the Israelites were brought out of slavery in Egypt, they complained that they wish they were back in Egypt because they missed the food that they had while there.  Exodus 16: 3 says:  The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt!  There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death."

I think those things all the time.  I know how miserable I was before coming to know Christ, and yet I sometimes can be jealous of the people that can do anything they want with no sense of guilt... as absurd as that sounds!  Though I obviously don't want to be enslaved again, I sometimes crave the "perks"-- the instant gratifications-- that being enslaved offers.

But I think the point is that I still am enslaved to sin!  I am just like the Israelites because my entire thought process is backwards.  I am so affected by this world and by the lusts of it.  My identity since birth (until a little over a year ago, anyway) was built on the world, and so it has become stitched into me.  I can't just sit here and complain and say, "Oh well, I'll never be pure like my friends that were raised Christian." NO. I need to do something about it.

Step one is obviously praying about it. But step two?  I need to cleanse myself of this world (as much as possible while still living in it, of course).  I need to slowly take a needle and take out those wrongly stitched pieces.  And yes, this process will be long and aggravating.  I mean, when you mess up isn't taking the wrong stitch out always more annoying than putting a new stitch in?  When I accepted Christ I took out some of the wrong stitches, but mostly I just added all the new right ones.  I need to backtrack now and finish the job of weeding out the ways the world has affected me.  If I change my thought process, then my actions will change with it.

The first few things on my to-do list are to stop listening to dirty songs and watching inappropriate TV shows.  Right now those things only make me crave the "perks" of being enslaved, just like the Israelites.  I need to do this until I no longer feel numb to those stimuli.  Until my thought processes change.  Until my stitchings are only that of which God has sewn.

Coming Home for Winter Break

So I finished my last final around 10am on Thursday morning.  Since then I have visited friends and caught up with a few people that I did a pretty lousy job at staying in contact with over the past semester.  I finally walked in the door to my house in New Jersey late last night.

Coming home is always an interesting event for me, especially when it is for a long break such as this.  The first few days are a constant battle between me and God, usually of me screaming, "WHY DOES MY LIFE HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS, LORD?" And Him answering with, "Trust Me, Beloved." And the anger usually then subsides into acceptance and eagerness to go back to Virginia.  I never feel content about being here.  Actually, I rarely ever fully unpack my bags.  Maybe I have some subconscious thought that if I don't actually unpack, it means that I don't have to accept this as a home for x amount of days.  I never really move in, physically or emotionally.  I never let my heart feel at peace with the situation, probably because I never actually trust God with the whole thing.

Although my family/home life is completely different now, I need to stop feeling bitter about it.  My sister and I got along so well over Thanksgiving break and so I need to feel relaxed and just try to have fun with her, rather than be so angry with her and my dad.  She's hilarious.  Today we had a conversation that went something like this...

Kirsten:  Do you wanna get your ears pierced?  Let's go and do that today.  I want mine pierced.  Wait you could sign for me, right?

Me:  No I could probably go to jail!! I have to be your legal guardian to sign for you.

Kirsten:  Well... couldn't we make you my legal guardian?  I mean, we'd just have to sign some papers, right?  Like, it doesn't cost anything does it?

Me:  YOU WANT ME TO ADOPT YOU?!?!!?!?!?

Kirsten:  Yeah, it doesn't cost anything, right?

[I stare blankly at her]

Kirsten:  It would help me out because Dad always forgets to sign my report cards.

Me:  KIRSTEN. YOU DON'T WANT ME TO BE YOUR MOTHER. I WOULD GROUND YOU FOR NOT CLEANING THE BATHROOM.

Kirsten:  Yeah, true. Plus you'd hold it over my head like "OoOoOo you have to do this because I'm your legal guardian." And Dad would be pissed at us.

Me:  Kir, Dad would never sign you over to me.

Kirsten:  You both can't be my guardians?

Me:  NO!!! NOT UNLESS WE ARE MARRIED.  I don't think so anyway.  You're not like... entitled to two parents just because you are a US citizen.

Kirsten:  Ohhhh...

.......................... lol seriously? I was actually asked today by my sister to adopt her.  And she thought it would be an easy process.  I think she bases her legal knowledge off of the movie Matilda.

Anyway, I need to pray through some things over break.  To pray through not being so angry at my dad or sister or God.  To pray to make this place home again.  I need to make sure that I'm reading Scripture daily because I know this break is going to be one huge spiritual battle.  I am a rope and Satan keeps trying to play tug-o-war with God over me.

I won't let him have the satisfaction of winning because I am a child of Christ.

Finals

It's here.  The week where everyone on campus wears sweatpants daily.  The week where the nest is completely sold out of food because everyone is trying to use every last meal and flex dollar.  The week where some people discover there actually is a library on our campus (imagine that!).  The week where my face breaks out in painful stress pimples.  WELCOME TO FINAL EXAMS.

It's really ridiculous what I will do to be successful in procrastination.  Last night Jessie and I painted my nails while we watched back-to-back episodes of 16 and Pregnant.  It wasn't even a good life decision because they looked like a three year old painted them.  It's kind of a shame that I have lived to be twenty years old and have not fully grasped the concept of neatly brushing paint onto my nails.  Today I was even more shameful.  Not only did I create this blog, but I also watched an episode of Desperate Housewives, calculated if it was possible for me to double major in biology and psychology and graduate (on time), and stared at a nice looking spot on the wall for way longer than it deserves credit for.

So all in all, I'm not fully prepared for my exams, but hey, are any of us really ever 100 percent?  So why do we let this week run our lives?  I mean yes, it probably is just a fact that during finals week school will consume our time, but it should not control our emotions.  We get way too worked up over knowing every little, gritty detail and over the possibility of not earning As.

Matthew 6:27  "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

Grades aren't the most important thing in life anyway.  My prize is in Heaven.