Spiritual Formation Retreat

On our ride home from the overnight Spiritual Formation Retreat (for InterVarsity Staff), I found myself reflecting out loud to my (soon-to-be) supervisor.

"On your way home from this retreat last year, you met me while I was home for Thanksgiving at Panera.  At that point, I left the conversation almost positive that I'd pursue a volunteer year in the Blue Ridge Region. And now here we are, coming back from the same retreat just one year later.  Can you believe that was only a year ago?  I feel like I've been in this region forever.  I feel like I've known you guys my entire life."

That thought boggled my mind.

The downstate New York and New Jersey staff teams spent the past two days encountering Jesus and fellowshipping with one another.  Some of the people (like Chris and Christine) I spend almost every day with.  Some people (like my Central/South New Jersey Area Team) I see/talk to/pray with on a pretty regular basis.  And others I had only met once or twice before.

But regardless, most of the people that I spent the past 24 hours with I truly feel like I've known forever.  These people have welcomed me with open arms into this region and I've been blown away by how well each person has cared for me as not only a staff worker, but as a sister in Christ.

This week I found myself in multiple laughing fits as we played Train Wreck (or "fruit basket" as this region calls it) and lovingly teased each other like siblings so often do.  I realized that even though I am usually shy at first and even though I had only met several people a couple of times, I was able to completely be my crazy ENFJ self.  I even realized that any time extroversion was mentioned people automatically looked at me.  (An intervention for my caffeine addiction was also apparently discussed while I was in the bathroom at one point...)  Shockingly, on the first day I found myself in tears telling my deepest, darkest secret to some of these co-workers and asking for prayer that Jesus would meet me in that place.  These people know me.  Deeply.  From my stupid love for coffee to my goofy personality and to the wounds that cut me the deepest.  They. Know. Me.

Home.  That's what this region feels like.  Home.

As much as I've tried to fight it, as much as I so miss my fellowship in Virginia, I can never go back.  I'm building relationships in my town, in my church, and in this InterVarsity Region.  I'm seeing it confirmed time and time again that this is truly the place Jesus led me to--that nothing over the past four years was an accident.  Everything has led to me applying for InterVarsity Staff in this region.

How did a place that I avoided for so many years so easily come to be where I know I belong?  Jesus.  That's how.  I laugh when I think that I ever thought I could run from this calling to NY/NJ.  This calling to staff.  It amuses me to think I doubted that Jesus would lovingly perfectly place all these pieces of the puzzle together.

It still hurts when I call my best friends on the phone and know they are hours and hours away.  It still hurts when I come home to a house that's empty of roommates and laughter.  It still hurts when I know that my community is just going to look different here than it did in college.

But I love it all the same.  And I'm content.  And I'm full.  And I'm comfortable.

Settle down, it'll all be clear.

Don't pay no mind to the demons,

They fill you with fear.

The trouble it might drag you down.

If you get lost, you can always be found.

Just know you're not alone,

Cause I'm gonna make this place your home.

Hitting a deer to learn I am dear to Him

I'm on my way home from a prayer meeting last night when out of the corner of my eye I see a deer charging my car.  I felt like I was the red flag in a bull fight.  It hit the front corner on the driver's side, slid into the entire front end, and rolled away.  Within minutes, two cop cars came.

Officer #1:  "What'd you do to Bambi?!"
Me:  "Wahhhh I didn't mean to...."
Officer #1:  "Are you gonna cry?"
Me:  "Maybe over the fact that I don't have money to fix my car."
Officer #2:  "Did it have antlers?"
Me:  "WHAT?!  I don't know?  It flew at me!"
Officer #2:  "It FLEW?  Great.  You ruined Christmas."
[Hilarious.]

As much as I was annoyed at the financial and situational inconvenience (I now won't have a car for awhile), I could feel how much Jesus had divinely intervened to protect me.  This animal could have smashed through my windshield at the speed in which it was traveling.  It also came just inches from pounding into the driver's side doors.  But instead of hurting me, it left the front of my car beat up and me inside safe and warm.  I mean, the air bags didn't even go off.

Gregg was still at the prayer meeting and so I called him to drive down the road and come pick me up while they towed my poor little vehicle away.  Even though I felt like I inconvenienced him, he kept asking me if I was okay and even read me Scripture when he could tell my frustration with the expenses was getting to me.  He explained insurance to me, handled talking to the tow truck guy... all things that I was too cold (I wasn't wearing a coat...) and shy to do on my own.

Robin called us to see if I was okay after he told her what happened.  She immediately asked if I needed a ride to work in the morning.

When I got home and posted a short status on facebook about it, my notifications BLEW UP.  People were commenting left and right asking me if I was okay and trying to figure out my rides to and from work for the next few weeks.  At one point, a couple of women from church were literally talking without me responding on their own, trying to figure out how to get me a car.

I am truly blessed.  I was sitting on my bed, in my warm house, safe and completely unharmed, watching a Duke game (we won, by the way!), as I continued to read the conversation that these women were having to try and serve me.

Jesus was showering me with blessings.  Teaching me to appreciate the community that He has given me, even if it doesn't look the specific way I requested (i.e. I don't have roommates).  Teaching me that He is keeping me safe and has plans for me and wants me here in this town, at this school, in this church for a reason.  I don't have to worry about not having a paying job, not being around my friends from college, and not being in what I consider to be a "perfect town."  I don't even have to worry about accidents like these because He's got me.  Because I'm His daughter.

Because He has great plans for me right here.

It took hitting a deer for me to realize how much He holds my life in His hands.
Sorry little guy, wish it could have happened some other way...

let's go deeper.

Intimacy with God.

Sometimes, my walk seriously lacks intimacy.  Sometimes my relationship with Jesus is full of worship songs, second-long prayer requests, and (reluctantly) studying difficult parts of the bible to grow in knowledge.

These things are good, but where's the intimacy?

Rarely do I ever just chat with Jesus.  Rarely do I ever just allow myself to have fun with Him.

Rarely do I do anything (cleaning my room, showering, driving, working out, etc) without music on.  And even though most of my playlists are Christian artists, it begs the question...

Where is the quiet?

Where is the room to hear His response to me?

I can't really consider it a conversation if I do all of the talking and none of the listening.

Sometimes my relationship feels more like a space for me to vent and for me to list all of my requests (and even to just list all of my praises) before Him.  And even though Jesus desires for me to present my requests to Him, He desires so much more than just that.  Even though Jesus desires for me to in-depthly study Scripture to discover more of who He is, He desires so much more than just that.

Today I commit to more quiet.  More music-less car rides.  More meditating on the Word, rather than just study.

I'm grateful that I work with a bunch of people who do have this intimacy with Jesus.  I praise God in the way knowing them over these past 6 months has helped to shape and advance my own spiritual walk.  I'm grateful that I can leave work at the end of the day and say, "Jesus, I want to know you like he/she knows you.  I want more of that."

Jesus is ready and eager to have an intimate relationship with me.  And sometimes I let Him.  But sometimes my own agenda gets in the way.

Today I commit to more hearing and less talking.  More time hanging out and less time working.  My extreme extroverted-ness and achiever-mentality make both of those things a challenging stepping stone for me.

But I commit to more being and less doing.

More intimacy.

John 15:4

Remain in me, as I also remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

Home

I burst into Jess & Jen's house late Wednesday night with enough bags of unnecessary attire to clothe a small village.  Almost immediately I fell onto the couch in a fit of laughter as I carried on about some pointless story and could hear Jess giggling when I paused every once in awhile to take a gasp of air.

When I stopped for more than two seconds to catch my breath, Jess said, "I feel like this is the beginning of five very long days of the two of us talking and laughing extremely loudly."

Her expectation was met.

Madeline, Sarah, and I stayed with Jess in Fredericksburg for Homecoming weekend.  It was the first time the three of us college roommates had been together since graduation.  The first time the four of us crazies had been together as real world friends and not as students/staffworker. The first time Jess and I had been together since I joined her world of InterVarsity staffwork.  The first time I had been to Fredericksburg during the school year as a Mary Wash alumna.

Madeline, Jess, me

Sarah, me, Madeline

The over-extended weekend was filled with multiple trips to Hyperion and Sweet Frog, running into a zillion good friends who had also all graduated (some were even in town that were a few years older than us, meaning that they were a pleasant surprise to see!), attending a psychology alumni gathering to catch up with life-changing professors, going to a soccer game, taking a prayer walk around campus, and playing board games (for the record, Jelyssa won Settlers... so all is right in the world).

4 Generations of UMW InterVarsity Chapter Presidents!

The Fountain = favorite spot on campus

Hyperion with UMW alumni from '09-'12

Thursday night after large group Jess and I sat in my car and talked for a few minutes while the rest of the crew was running and screaming outside (naturally, because they ran into a group of friends on campus).  She brought up how much she witnessed me change over the past year.  How much Jesus had grown me even in the last five months.  He's healed me in areas that I never thought I'd see healing in.  And as much as I miss Fredericksburg, Virginia, I can see how much He has used the people in Ewing, New Jersey to develop me.

Leaving Monday evening was difficult.  Even still my heart aches for those college friends that have become such a part of me.  My heart yearns to be in close proximity once again to those friends that I had to leave in order to follow this call that Jesus has put on my life.

Despite the hurt that I feel in the deep parts of my soul, the truth is that it would hurt in its own way if I left New Jersey to move back to Virginia.  Tonight I sat with a handful of (new) good friends as we interceded for TCNJ on the campus.  I met these women no more than a month ago at our church's women's retreat and they are so willing and eager to partner with me in this ministry.

Maybe my friends at home aren't all my age or in the same life stage as my friends in Virginia, but these relationships are real and good.  There is value in the fullness of the body of Christ.

Though I wish I could have both of my worlds mesh into one, I know that I am blessed to have two homes.  Ewing and Fredericksburg.  New Jersey and Virginia.

There is a song that goes:
Home, let me come home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ah, home, yes I am home.
Home is when I'm alone with you.

Home isn't in Ewing or Fredericksburg (though I sort of wish it was the burg, just because it's such an awesome town).

Home is when I'm crippled over laughing in the car with Sarah and Madeline. Home is when I'm sitting on a park bench with Jess drinking a pumpkin spiced latte. Home is when I'm playing in the Downs' pool or making salsa with Robin. Home is when I'm praying with a group of sisters from Calvary Chapel Mercer County. Home is when I'm being obnoxious with some of my silliest friends in the middle of a froyo place. Home is here. And there. And somewhere in between. Home is with college friends and family and church friends and professors and co-workers.

Home, let me come home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ah, home, yes I am home.

No matter where I am, I am home. Because I have so many people that I care deeply for and that make it home, I can look around and feel safe and warm and loved. I can be sure that no matter who I'm with or where I am, I am home.

apple picking

Walking through the rows of trees, I stepped carefully around the fallen apples.  "These are good in this row, Katie," I interrupted my story to exclaim.

Every few paces, I stopped at a bundle of apples to look without touching first.  Attempts at examining at first glance which one was the best.  And then, without hesitation, I zeroed in on one and plucked it off the tree.

Turning it around in my hand, I looked for blemishes.  If I was the slightest bit dissatisfied, I tossed it on the ground.  Even if it was a relatively good looking piece of fruit, I didn't want to pay for something that wasn't the best.  Unwilling to mess around with anything ordinary.

Picky?  Maybe.  But I'd like to call it cautious.  Pruning, in an orchard containing good apples, to only allow the best in my life.

I found one to munch on and passed it to Katie to take a bite as we moved on to another row.  My favorite season.  My favorite autumn activity.  And my favorite kind of apple.  Simple and good.

The simplistic things in life are really the most cherished.  Like the short quiet times I spend with Jesus each day.  Or the simple message of the Gospel.  Or the look in someone's eyes when they hear for the first time that Jesus wants a relationship with them.  Simple.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I spent the night with my second family.  We went out to dinner.  Talked.  Laughed.  Played.  Watched silly youtube videos.  For our last activity, Robin and I made a pie with some of the apples I had picked earlier in the day.

Using the simple gifts to create something more complex.

The simple sustains you.  The simple gets you going.  But we are to produce from the simple.

Jesus does a work in my heart each day, so that I can feel the sweetness of His presence, yes, but more importantly so that I can go and make disciples of all nations (Matthew 28:18-20).  What is the use of me growing in my knowledge of the Gospel and in my spiritual gifts if I do not then use them to further the Kingdom?

And because I only allowed the best into my brown bag earlier that day, we were able to make a pretty great tasting apple pie later that night.  Pruning the good, even if it's hard.

Focusing on, spending our time on, and developing the best that God has for us so that we can, with Him, create something beautiful.  Create something complex.

Create something Kingdom-centered.

testimony time

The room erupted with laughter and tears this morning as I gave my testimony at the closing of the women's retreat to a room of 55 women, most of whom I had just met.  A testament to God's grace and love and redemption.

Testimonies.  I love them.  It's my favorite part about making new friends in the Church.  "So, what's your life story?" is probably my most frequently asked question when I meet somebody.

And that's exactly what I did this weekend at the retreat.  Listened as handfuls of women shared their personal and emotional journeys with me--while also asking so many follow-up questions that one of my new friends even commented she felt like she was at an interview. Oops?

I love testimonies because while each person's story is so unique, they all share the common thread of Truth.  All weaved by the same Creator.  All bursting with His goodness and forgiveness.

Today I felt a rush of adrenaline sharing my story, microphone in hand as I leaned against the pulpit.  Not only because I love presenting (hello, ex theatre girl over here...), but mostly because I was able to share the entire thing.  It wasn't watered down.  I didn't skip over the hard parts.  I shared it all.  Without shame.  Without guilt.  Without embarrassment. Something that I couldn't have done three months ago.  For the first time, I truly gave my story--my whole story--up to the Lord for His glory.

As I was sharing this testimony, I couldn't help thinking, "Jesus, this.. this moment right here.. is a testimony in and of itself!"

Pieces of my past that brought me such shame and silence six months ago I am now liberated from.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. (John 8:36)

Jesus brought me to a place of not only being freed from the temptation of that sin, but to a place of being freed from the shame of it, as well.

I had handfuls of people come up to me after to comment on certain things or ask for prayer in ways that my story matched theirs and resurfaced hard emotions.  One of the common things I heard over and over was, (and honestly, I hear it almost every time I share my story...) "That is such a GREAT testimony!"

Yes.  Praise be to God.  He literally turned my "darkness" to light. (Psalm 18:28) Thanks to another friend for pointing out to me today my name change!

I smile back, nod and say, "Yes!  He is so good!"  But inside I'm thinking, "But He is not done with me yet!"

My God is not done with me, yet.

Sanctification.

Learning.

Turning more like Him as I seek to know Him more.

I want to say, "Ask me in a year to chat with you one-on-one!  Because I'm sure that I'll have some equally miraculous stories to share!"

I might have shared my testimony today, but it's not over.

Oh no.

This journey has just begun.

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,

     and he saved them from their distress.

He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,

     and broke away their chains.

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love

     and his wonderful deeds for mankind,

for he breaks down gates of bronze

     and cuts through bars of iron.

--Psalm 107:13-16

I'm Movin' On

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons,

Finally content with a past I regret.

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness,

For once I'm at peace with myself.

I've been burdened with blame,

Trapped in the past for too long,

I'm movin' on.

I heard this song for the first time sometime during my senior year of college and I remember thinking, One day, I will be able to say this.  One day, Jesus will move me on from my past.

Since the day that I got saved, I struggled with a few things that stemmed directly from the sinful pre-Christ life I had just come out of.  Strongholds that produced so many ugly thoughts and actions.  Neurological pathways that were strongly wired.  I was too afraid to talk about anything and instead crumbled into a ball of silence.

Surrounded by shame.
Surrounded by the belief lie that I would never be able to break those connections in my brain.
That they were too hard-wired.
That it would be too much of a battle.

A year and a half ago, I began to talk. About all of these issues.

I began the journey toward the goal of Satan no longer using my silence to make me feel shame.

Progressively over the past year and a half, I've gained more accountability and more prayer warriors to intercede for me.  I've failed and dealt with the consequences of that sin.  I've experienced moments of victory.  I've wanted to cry when those neurological connections seemed too strong to break.  I've wanted to give in when I didn't think I could do it anymore.

After a little over a year of struggling I decided that I was done.  I was sick of feeling defeated.  I decided that Jesus was going to win this battle for me.

Prayer.  Fasting.  Struggles through resisting sin.  Cutting out certain things, people, and places in my life that were triggers for me.

Then, a couple of months ago (by starting small) I slowly allowed myself to be in situations where I knew it was possible for my past to be triggered.  I slowly welcomed back people and places and things, all the while praying without ceasing during those situations and making sure that I had a solid group of sisters praying for me from their homes.  I wanted to test my progress and my faith (2 Corinthians 13:5).  I didn't want there to be limits to what I could do and where I could go and who I could see so I slowly welcomed those things back into my life with the knowledge that I have freedom in Christ.  That I can live in the liberty of having all of my chains broken.

That His divine power has given me everything I need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3).

I didn't do this prematurely.  I took very small baby steps.  Praying all the while.  Having others pray for me.  Working my way with Christ to freedom.

Recently, I was faced with the epitome "big deal" testing of my faith.  I was a little nervous, and a sister even advised me not to put myself in that situation.  But I stood confident in the fact that I was ready to fight the hardest battle of them all.

While in the midst of it, I barely felt any temptation.  Those strongholds have been broken.  And the split seconds that I sensed any sort of temptation I immediately prayed, Oh no. We're not even going to go there, Alyssa.  Jesus, break these chains.  I repeated the Scripture over and over in prayer that says, Create in me a pure heart, O God (Psalm 51:10).  And after that split second of temptation, it was gone.  Like the song says, "I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness."  Through Christ, I am strong.

I am free.

Free from my past.  Free from those strongholds that held me in chains for too long.  Free from shame.

I know that I still need to be aware that I still live in a broken world.  I still need to filter things I hear and see and I still need to enter many situations with the knowledge that I will need to be praying the entire time.  I still need to constantly keep my heart in check.

But I can now live with the experience of Jesus changing my brain by me inviting Him into the battle.

He has set me free.