I'm Movin' On

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons,

Finally content with a past I regret.

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness,

For once I'm at peace with myself.

I've been burdened with blame,

Trapped in the past for too long,

I'm movin' on.

I heard this song for the first time sometime during my senior year of college and I remember thinking, One day, I will be able to say this.  One day, Jesus will move me on from my past.

Since the day that I got saved, I struggled with a few things that stemmed directly from the sinful pre-Christ life I had just come out of.  Strongholds that produced so many ugly thoughts and actions.  Neurological pathways that were strongly wired.  I was too afraid to talk about anything and instead crumbled into a ball of silence.

Surrounded by shame.
Surrounded by the belief lie that I would never be able to break those connections in my brain.
That they were too hard-wired.
That it would be too much of a battle.

A year and a half ago, I began to talk. About all of these issues.

I began the journey toward the goal of Satan no longer using my silence to make me feel shame.

Progressively over the past year and a half, I've gained more accountability and more prayer warriors to intercede for me.  I've failed and dealt with the consequences of that sin.  I've experienced moments of victory.  I've wanted to cry when those neurological connections seemed too strong to break.  I've wanted to give in when I didn't think I could do it anymore.

After a little over a year of struggling I decided that I was done.  I was sick of feeling defeated.  I decided that Jesus was going to win this battle for me.

Prayer.  Fasting.  Struggles through resisting sin.  Cutting out certain things, people, and places in my life that were triggers for me.

Then, a couple of months ago (by starting small) I slowly allowed myself to be in situations where I knew it was possible for my past to be triggered.  I slowly welcomed back people and places and things, all the while praying without ceasing during those situations and making sure that I had a solid group of sisters praying for me from their homes.  I wanted to test my progress and my faith (2 Corinthians 13:5).  I didn't want there to be limits to what I could do and where I could go and who I could see so I slowly welcomed those things back into my life with the knowledge that I have freedom in Christ.  That I can live in the liberty of having all of my chains broken.

That His divine power has given me everything I need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3).

I didn't do this prematurely.  I took very small baby steps.  Praying all the while.  Having others pray for me.  Working my way with Christ to freedom.

Recently, I was faced with the epitome "big deal" testing of my faith.  I was a little nervous, and a sister even advised me not to put myself in that situation.  But I stood confident in the fact that I was ready to fight the hardest battle of them all.

While in the midst of it, I barely felt any temptation.  Those strongholds have been broken.  And the split seconds that I sensed any sort of temptation I immediately prayed, Oh no. We're not even going to go there, Alyssa.  Jesus, break these chains.  I repeated the Scripture over and over in prayer that says, Create in me a pure heart, O God (Psalm 51:10).  And after that split second of temptation, it was gone.  Like the song says, "I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness."  Through Christ, I am strong.

I am free.

Free from my past.  Free from those strongholds that held me in chains for too long.  Free from shame.

I know that I still need to be aware that I still live in a broken world.  I still need to filter things I hear and see and I still need to enter many situations with the knowledge that I will need to be praying the entire time.  I still need to constantly keep my heart in check.

But I can now live with the experience of Jesus changing my brain by me inviting Him into the battle.

He has set me free.