Torn

It's sort of strange to describe my life right now.  I feel in such an in-between state.  So many changes are going on around me' it's hard to keep up with them all.  For starters, I dyed my hair dark (like, dark, dark) brown the day I left for Virginia.  Please note that I've been a blonde my entire life.  I like the color, and my friends have told me they're already used to it.  But I'm not.  I mean, I only see myself 5 or 6 times a day (or how ever often I look in the mirror), whereas they see me whenever they're in the same room as me.  So when I see my reflection I'm still in a state of shock.  This isn't me... or... it's not who I'm used to seeing anyway...

Since being in Virginia, I've experienced an aftershock from the earthquake (that apparently was a four-point-something), a nasty thunderstorm that was unrelated to the hurricane (which of course entailed lightening striking a transformer and knocking out power in the entire city of Fredericksburg for hours), and am currently in the middle of Hurricane Irene.  If you know me at all, you'd know that I'm deathly afraid of weather--thunderstorms, snowstorms, tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, you name it (thank you, Mom, for rubbing that off onto me...).  But I've never experienced natural disasters personally and all of a sudden we're getting hit at all angles.  There's even a tornado warning in my home town.  So I've been feeling very jumpy and frantic inside.  Always on the alert.  Mind racing.  This isn't me... or... it's not how I'm used to feeling anyway.

The leadership retreat was today and yesterday.  It was really good and really awesome and I feel satisfied with what was accomplished--even though it was cut a bit shorter than I would have liked due to the hurricane.  But because I didn't sleep home last night, my apartment isn't fully decorated yet.  And I'm out of 3M strips and storage containers.  So I'm waiting for the hurricane to end so that I can run out to Walmart and get more.  Until then I cannot finish the final nitty-gritty details of unpacking and I'm semi-living out of boxes.  I don't feel quiet at home here (yet).  Speaking of not feeling at home here... I don't know where I feel at home.  There have been some points over the past few days where I am so happy to be in Virginia.  I've missed all of my friends and the greatness of Fredericksburg (I really do love this town).  I've been happy to be away from working that 8:30-5:30 day and finally having hot water to shower in.  I loved the leadership retreat because it got all of us so excited for this coming year.  And our group dynamics were so great.  It just made me super ecstatic all over again to be able to serve our chapter and our campus with these wonderful friends.  But sometimes I really miss Jersey.  I miss my church and my friends there and the people who have had such strong Christian influences in my life this summer.  I miss my lifeguarding job.  I miss feeling loved by a family.  And tomorrow I will miss the 20 Something bible study.  Last night at the leadership retreat we watched the movie To Save A Life and someone commented that we, as Christians, don't talk about God enough in our relationships with one another even though we have good, wholesome fun.  All I kept thinking about was, "But I do talk about the Lord frequently with my friends at home.  Regardless of if it is in the midst of our laughter or our tears we are always bringing it back to Him, praising Jesus for the work He's doing in our lives.  Why aren't my relationships here as rooted?  I've known these people longer than most of my home church friends and yet we tend to be so surfacy.  Something's not right..."  It's not like my relationships are home are always so serious and "feeling-sharing," but we understand the dynamics of having Christ-centered relationships.  Even if we're joking and laughing, the Lord is involved.  So I miss my life at home, I really do.  And I haven't missed home in a full two years.  But at the same time, I don't want to leave Fredericksburg.  My heart is here on this campus, with this InterVarsity chapter, with these peers and professors, and in this town.  My life seriously seems divided.  I don't know where I yearn to be more:  Fredericksburg or Ewing.  But I do know that to not be in either place feels like a sword is driven through my heart.  I ache to just have my two lives meshed into one.  This isn't me... or... this isn't what I'm used to saying anyway.

And then I feel pulled in two directions in another way, as well--between InterVarsity and my academics.  I keep forgetting that I'm here for school and not for IV.  I keep forgetting that come three days I will be sitting in class (I actually already have massive amounts of reading to do for my 491 Team).  I keep forgetting that all the things I have planned to do for the leadership team and for the chapter will become overwhelming once classes begin.  I just want to do InterVarsity--all day every day!  It's all I've been prepping for this summer and I just want to hit the ground running and keep going full speed all year, which isn't a reality for someone who is in the science department at UMW.  And I just sometimes want to forget my classes and focus on IV.  But then I get together with my psychology friends and I feel so excited to learn (in my psych classes anyway... biology is always another issue...).  And I wonder why I'm not just going to grad school for biopsychology right away after undergrad.  I wonder why I didn't just take the GREs this summer.  I wonder if I made the right choice when I made up my mind about going into ministry.  I feel in the middle of InterVarsity and psychology and I wonder how I'm going to do both this year.  Because right now with the work that each requires it seems like I need to pick one to focus on.  I'm usually so good at multitasking.  This isn't me... or... this isn't the great time-manager that I'm used to being.

I feel like I'm looking at my life from the outside right now.  I'm watching everything happen like it's a movie and some strange girl with brown hair is playing my character.  It really, really doesn't feel like my life.  The mix of the natural disasters with the homesickness and seeing myself question if I'll actually be able to handle my senior classes AND be chapter president-- these are such foreign feelings to me.  This isn't me...

Who am I?  Right now I'm some brunette chick that's fearing for her life and belongings during this hurricane.  Whose heart feels torn between Virginia and New Jersey, InterVarsity and psychology.

I need to just trust that Jesus is going to get me through this year and allow me to love every moment of senior year.  That He will not only provide me with the environment and time to learn all of the things in school that I love learning, but that I will work hard and make a difference in the world of research on my 491 Team (just like my team did last year for physio psych).  And that despite me working hard in school, He will provide ample time for me to give to my InterVarsity jobs, the wisdom to delegate the responsibilities to the rest of leadership (so that I'm not doing it all on my own, as I tend to do...), and the Holy Spirit to impact the campus with His Word.  And that when second semester rolls around and I need to choose a location to make my post-grad home (Virginia vs. New Jersey), He will reveal that place to me, regardless of the loving persuasions of people on either side.

You Make Me Sing

So many people have been dying lately.  It seems that in the past three weeks, I keep getting phone calls and emails and texts with similar sad news.  People in my family... in friends' families... it's been crazy.  Last week my great aunt, who was much like a grandmother to me, passed away.  The hardest blow though was the text I received from my dad this morning.  In it he told me that last night, my cousin Patrick (who was my age) died in a freak electricity accident.

Ever since I was in the seventh grade, about one or two people from my family have died every year.  You would think this would make me immune to the sting.  You would think that I would be so used to the processes of death that it wouldn't really bother me.  But this is one thing that will never get easier with "practice."

After the initial shock of this morning's text (which occurred of course while I was nannying and couldn't really react) and a long time spent in prayer and talking to some family, I collected my emotions.  After I felt settled, I realized that my immediate thought (after screaming "WHATTT?! NO WAY." in my head... probably with my eyes bugging out of my head as I read the text over and over to make sure I wasn't misinterpreting it) was, "But, Lord, I know that You are so good."

I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. --Psalm 104:33

What??? Could this be???  THE LORD HAS GROWN ME.

My immediate reaction was to praise the Lord.  Literally I kept thinking in my head how there were probably so many members of my family questioning God (His goodness, His mercy, or maybe even His existence), yet all I kept thinking was, "But how could any of them not see that He is good?!"  I'm not sure where Pat stood with the Lord because we never really had a conversation about it.  But I do know that the reason why my cousin even has a chance of being in heaven right now is because Jesus died for him.  Without Jesus bridging the gap, all of us sinners would never even have the hope of approaching the Father with confidence (Ephesians 3:12).  We can rejoice in death because of Christ.  GOD. IS. SO. GOOD.  Yes, the sting of hearing about my loved ones dying still hurts.  But God is growing me in the fact that through the hurt and the pain all I can see is God's grace and love and I want to jump for joy in praise (Job 1:21).

In the past few weeks, each time I've learned of another person passing I hear the Lord reiterate to me, "Alyssa, this isn't a joke."  Too often in my life I play around with sin because I don't "think it will do much damage."  But really I'm just playing around with fire.  It's not about easing out of things.  It's about dropping sinful behaviors cold turkey.  It's about giving your entire self to the Lord.  This life we have isn't a joke.  We think we have all the time in the world, but we don't.  We think they are our own lives to mess with when really, we were born to worship Jesus.  We were bought at a price.  We need to live each moment of it giving Glory to the Lord.  If we want our friends and family to see Him in us, we need to stop playing around in the "one day I'll get it right" mindset.  The. Time. Is. Now.

The Gospel?  It's easy.  Jesus died for you.  And you just need to trust in that and tell Him that you want to be made new and He will do the rest.  Don't worry about getting it all "figured out" and just take the plunge.  This plunge will cause you to soar higher than you've ever soared before.  This plunge will cause you to rejoice in times of mourning.  We don't have as much time as we think we do, friends.  The call is urgent.  The call is to Christ.

Answered Prayer

Saturday was my first day off from work in 20 days.  Though I had an extremely long and busy morning going school shopping with some family, the Lord provided me with an extremely peaceful afternoon.  I was house-sitting at the Downs and so it was just me and Clancy (the dog).  I knocked some homework and emails out of the way and spent the rest of the evening with the Lord.  No one was around to interrupt--I had an entire empty house to sort out the whirlwind that had become my life (see previous entry here).  At one point I even got on a raft and floated around in the pool, praying out loud.  For an hour.  If anyone saw me they probably would have thought I was on something hahaha.  But I just took everything to the Lord.  All of my doubts and fears and sins and excitement and uncertainty and sadness and joyfulness--I gave it all to Him.  And after I did all the talking I could manage, I just laid on the raft, eyes closed, drifting all around.  I needed to just be still before Him (Psalm 46:10)--something that I don't seem to do enough in the midst of my busy life.  I rested in His presence until I was sure that a storm was about to strike and hurried myself inside.  I felt so much better, so rejuvenated, by just being still before Him.  On Sunday I was called out of work because of the massive thunderstorm (another day of rest given to me by God).  I sat for another hour or so in the quietness of the porch, listening to the rain fall.  Again I just felt at ease.  The stresses of life seemed to float on by me.

I've been struggling with a few things for a very long time and generally only bring it to Him "when I feel like it." (What does that even mean anyway?  Shouldn't I ALWAYS be bringing to Him?  But more often than I'd like to admit I try to handle things myself...)  I realized that sometimes I doubt that the Lord can fix my problems.  I doubt that He can take away my temptations or change my heart in the lifelong battles I've been fighting.  But He can (Jeremiah 32:27) and wants to actively make me more like His Son.  "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still" (Exodus 14:14).

When we give our problems to Him and stop trying to fix them on our own, He will move in great ways.  We just need to sit and wait and be still.  He wants to fix us.  He's fighting for us.  He's fighting for me.

Well there's a concept that I don't try often enough:  BEING STILL BEFORE HIM.

I'm now waiting for God to show me a sign for a very important decision in my life.  It's frustrating me that He hasn't already made it clear to me (or maybe He has and I've just been blind to it?  Always a possibility...).  But I just need to wait and be still and trust that He will see it through.  He will cause me to pick the right choice.  He is working in my life and won't let go of the plans He has for me.  Jesus taught me first hand this whole "being still" concept just two days before the stresses of not knowing this decision began to really sink in.  The Lord's timing is always perfect...
 
Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.  The LORD works out everything to its proper end. --Proverbs 16:3-4a

On the Go

go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. this has been my life the past two months.

I'm on "the go" so much that there is a mesh of emotions swirling around in me.  It's as if someone pressed the start button on the blender of my life and they keep adding circumstances and responsibilities and feelings and struggles... forgetting to turn it off and let it settle in between adding ingredients.  So nothing gets sorted out, nothing gets dealt with.  And I feel my patience wearing thin.  I feel myself waking up and going to bed exhausted 7 days a week.  I feel myself ready to break down.  But I don't have time to deal with it.  I haven't even had time to have the prayer life that I had been so consistent in.  And without taking it to God everything has just gotten worse.  The blender is spinning, spinning, spinning.

I've lost control.

About five minutes ago I received an email from InterVarsity and upon opening it, the one thought that kept flashing through my mind was, "Oh no."  Panic was beginning to strike.  I couldn't even read the email.  I got the general gist of it and forwarded it to our new staff worker because they sent it to our old one by mistake.  That's literally all I could do.  I couldn't read it because I couldn't comprehend the words.  Though the lack of an ability to read may have been due to exhaustion, I know it was mainly due to the fact that I suddenly jumped into freak-out mode.  I can't do this.  I can't lead a chapter.  I'm not ready.  This summer went by way too fast; there is still so much I need to do before this year starts.  I'm moving into my apartment two weeks from today and I still have so many logistical things to do before I'm ready for IV to start.  I'm not where I wanted to be in my summer IV to-do list.

My heart isn't where I wanted it to be.

I had the idea in my head that I was going to clean out my heart this summer.  Take a leaf blower and just get rid of all the junk.  I knew I'd still enter the school year with struggles and trials, I mean none of us can ever be perfect.  But I wanted Jesus to work some miracles on me and just lift everything off of me before I stepped into this position.  I wanted my strongholds to be broken.  I barely feel like a dent was made on my heart's purifying process.  If anything, God showed me more areas of my heart that need cleaning.

I'm sure The Housekeeper has done a ton of dirty work this summer, even if I can't see it.  And I know that through the mess God can still use me to lead, just like He used Jacob in his imperfections (Genesis 25-35).  It is just sometimes so hard for me to see that when I feel so lazy and sinful and careless.

And broken.

Lord please cleanse my heart in the next two weeks, even in the midst of me being on "the go."  Help me press the stop button on this blender and sort out all the little pieces that are now ripped to shreds.  I want to grab onto the promises You have for me and cling to them, rather than let the current of the blender--the ways of this world--break me more and more apart.  Help me bring this mush to solid again.  I want to be solid and whole again.  I want to be more like Christ.

Shark Week

I am overwhelmed (to say the very least).

In the next week of my life I have 62 hours of working on the clock.  I also have two group projects to do, a paper, two tests, and the random usual assignments for my class.  Now, these aren't difficult things--it's actually been a pretty easy class thus far.  But I'm more overwhelmed by the fact that I don't have enough time in the day to do all of these things on top of my work schedule.

I move into my apartment in Virginia in three weeks.  I am working full-time and going to my night class up until four days before I leave for Virginia.  In the next three weeks I have the above responsibilities and a final exam to study for and take.  I must go to BJs with my aunt and uncle to stock up on things for school, as well as my usual start-of-the-school-year rituals like appointments and room/car cleanings.  I must pack up my things and stuff them into the car.  I also have several articles for my 491 research team that I was supposed to read before the first day of school and some C-Team duties left to do before we kick-off the year.

How am I going to manage all of this?!?!?!  But I know the Lord will get me through.  He always does, just in the nick of time when I feel like I've reached the level of impossible.

In addition, it's time to say my goodbyes.  And I'm really, really dreading it.  This summer I was blessed beyond my wildest dreams.  I got plugged in at my church at home and developed relationships with so many people that I have grown to truly love.  I've just started to get to know them.  How can I leave???

Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited for senior year.  And I can't wait to see what God has in store for InterVarsity this year.  But I can't say I won't be sad when I hit I-95 South in three weeks.


Bittersweet.

This week is Shark Week.  I count down to this week every summer because I just love learning about sharks! ("Nerdddddd." -- in the Steph Martin voice)

One of the clips was talking about what to do when you are in open water and a shark is present.  It mentions three things to get you through the "critical first phase:"

1. floatation
2. something to bind your wounds if you have any
3. and a weapon.

I feel like I'm drowning in responsibilities and lack of time right now.  And Satan (the shark) knows that and is trying to attack me.

My church is my floatation.  I have people that continue to challenge me so that my faith does not become stagnant.  I have people to cry to when my family situation breaks me down.  I have people that pray for me.  They are my raft.


Your wounds have to be bound right away in a shark situation because "you might not feel a cut when your adrenaline is pumping, but sharks can smell trace amounts of blood a mile away."  When life is overwhelming me, it's sometimes hard to see through the fog and clearly make out if I'm bleeding.  I can't feel it because my attention is so focused on other things.  But I know the areas that I have cuts in.  And I know that I need to quickly bind them up because the longer I leave them open the more Satan attacks.  Sinful situations seem harmless at first, but they can soon turn into habitual sins, and before I know it I'm dying because the shark is full-fledged attacking me.  There is an area that I keep putting off dealing with, especially because I am so busy, but I need to just face it.  I need to rip off a piece of my clothing and secure the wound shut.  If I keep bleeding it will surely lead to my death.


My weapon is Scripture.  Regardless of the day I have ahead of me or the homework that I should be doing, I make sure I wake up early each morning and read a chapter in the Bible.  It is only because I have really sought the Lord this summer that He has given me my floatation device.  And He continues to give me grace in the areas that I'm bleeding in (though I know that I need to bind these wounds ASAP).  Without the Word as my weapon, I would surely die.  A floatation device alone cannot save you in open water when you are bleeding and the shark is surrounding you.  You need a weapon, as well.  You need Scripture.

You need Jesus.