For my readers that have been following my latest blogs on "the staff decision"... the waiting saga continues...
The past couple of weeks have been so very emotionally and spiritually draining. There is never a dull moment when I'm dealing with a string of sleepless nights and spiritual warfare. I thought that today was going to mark the end of the fourteen day waiting period... but I was sadly mistaken. Thus, I'm still waiting for an answer. Today I tried my best to contain my emotions, but they were ripping me apart from the inside out, yearning to break free. When I got home this evening I knew that I needed to talk to someone that would offer me biblical advice and an ear. Someone that already understood my situation without me having to say much. And so I called my old staff worker. I think I was able to sputter out two very incomplete sentences, and from that he knew exactly what I was feeling and told me exactly what I needed to hear. I tried to suppress my crying while I was talking on the phone--so the tears flowed down my face without me making a peep. Painful silence echoing through my room. I didn't talk. I just listened. What I was feeling was conveyed to Rob in a few simple words and the Lord used him to calm me down tonight.
We hung up and I turned over on my bed, pressing my face into my pillow. I muffled my cries that came so hard my entire body shook with convulsions. I also had a pretty intense cry-fest on the phone with Robin four days ago. Until this week, I haven't sobbed this much or this hard in a long, long time. These emotional train wrecks are becoming way too consistent in my life lately.
Maybe in the grand scheme of things this isn't that big of a deal. But for the current moment in my life, this is a big deal. And Satan has been going at me the entire time. I feel like I'm tied to a tree and he is just throwing one punch after another. The devil is using this to get under my skin in so many different areas of my life. On top of it all I haven't slept well in two weeks due to my anxiety, which is making me ultra sensitive. Sometimes I just wish my mom was here so that I could call her and sort out my thoughts with her. I leave myself to bottle it inside until I explode to some poor soul on the phone because it feels like for the past 14 days I've been crying out to God with no response. I just need a response from You, Lord. What are you trying to teach me in all of this?
GOD, WHERE ARE YOU IN ALL OF THIS?
Do not be discouraged, Beloved, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)
Yes, but Lord I can't see you in this. I can't FEEL you in this. The emotions have turned to physical pain inside of me. I just want this battle to end.
The battle is already won, My child. Submit to Me and Satan will flee from you. (James 4:7)
Jesus this is so hard.
I know. But you are precious and honored in my sight. And I love you. (Isaiah 43:4)
Tonight we discussed in small group John 2:1-11 when Jesus changes water into wine. God spoke to me while reading it in a way that He had never done before in this passage (love it when He does that). The disciples only put their faith in Him AFTER He turned the water into wine (v.11). Which means that when Jesus requested the jars to be filled with water, they had no idea why. But they went along with it anyway. It was only after the fact--after they reluctantly followed Jesus in whatever He led them to do--that their faith was strengthened and His Glory revealed.
Maybe right now I can't see Jesus in the mess of my emotions and in the middle of this spiritual battle. But I will continue to call out to Him and follow Him wherever He leads me, even if it makes zero sense to me in the process. Because my hope is in Christ that when all is said and done I will know why He led me down this strenuous path and will be grateful for the amazing growth it's done for my walk with Him.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast (1 Peter 5:10).
Until then though... I'm stuck waiting here in the tough part.
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