Everlasting

I don't want autumn to be over.  It's my favorite season.  It's so great to hit the ground running after a summer away.  To learn again in the classroom.  To be with friends again.  To implement all the plans that we came up with for our InterVarsity chapter over the summertime.  To break out the jeans and sweaters.  To have pumpkin flavored drinks and apple-scented candles.  To walk down campus and see the beautiful reds and oranges and browns contrasted against the deep scarlet bricks.

I left for Thanksgiving break and there were still the dazzling colored leaves lining College Ave and when I returned to Fredericksburg, they were gone.  The leaves had all fallen.  The trees were bare.

Winter is approaching.

I've never been a fan of winter.  I don't like the cold and I don't like having nothing to do for a month.  If  you ask me, it isn't necessarily the prettiest time of year outdoors, either.

But this year, I'm embracing it.

The wonderful autumn colors have faded.  The leaves have all fallen.  My beautiful environment disappeared before my very eyes.

But... Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades.

I was in this season of activity--of changing colors and new school years.  Now I'm entering a season of waiting and growing under the surface.

A season
of
rest
and
falling
deeper
in love
with
Jesus.

The past month of my life was filled with me wrestling God.  I didn't want to let go of this season of activity.  I didn't want to push the brakes and slow down, even though He was calling me to do so.  But what I've come to realize is that the seasons are always changing.  I am being called into a slow winter now, but that just means that spring is coming next.  He will use the new that He's worked in me during this slow season to produce abundant life and fresh activity in the future.  Jesus doesn't want me to fight Him in the winter.  He simply wants me.  All of me.

I am living the greatest love story ever written.

It's not always about being active.  Sometimes it's being still and just being with God.  Allowing myself to be loved by Him.  Allowing myself to love Him.  And only Him.  Above all else.

When you turn the lights out in the room, that is when the candle gives a transfixing glow.  That is when the candle lights up the whole room and you are not only amazed at it's beauty, but in awe at how a tiny light can illuminate everything in the room.

I am grateful for the fallen leaves because it is when my environment is not ideal that the light of Jesus shines through brighter and more stable than I ever knew it could be.

Everlasting--Your light will shine when all else fades

The joy of being still in His presence is unexplainable.  I painted this today while I just rested in these thoughts and brought them to Him.  He craves times like these, when His daughter just wants to be with Him.  And I'm embracing the fact that the next year and a half of my life will be filled with times like these.  This season is dedicated to me growing in my relationship and knowledge of Christ.  It is dedicated to me slowly learning how to implement the gifts He's given me.  It is dedicated to me living out more of this radical love story.  He is the beginning and the end.  He is Holy beyond comprehension.  He is everlasting.

He. is. love.

Go Cowboys

Yesterday we spent Thanksgiving at my aunt and uncle's house.  My cousin Bryan was shouting at the TV, while his children Chase (age 4) and Paige (age 2) were running around in Cowboys outfits, cheering on their dad's team.  Chase sort of understands the concept of football and knows that if he wants his dad to be in a good mood, the Cowboys better win.

Paige on the other hand... she's just a naive little toddler.  She spent the evening bouncing around in the world's most adorable Cowboys cheer leading dress-- not understanding what a football even is, let alone why our family is currently fixated on the television.  All she knows is that her dad threw this outfit on her and that he occasionally jumps up from the couch clapping and shouting his team's name.  She knows that her dad has been teaching her to say "Go Cowboys" instead of the "Go Packers" that her Uncle Sean has been trying to get her to learn.  And she knows that when she says the phrase correctly, it gets everyone's attention in the room and all of the grown-ups clap for her.

She has no idea why she's supposed to say it, but she'll do anything to please her dad.

One moment she was wearing her cute little leopard-print Thanksgiving party dress and the next she was clothed as her father's daughter (Galatians 3:26-27).  According to her new garments, she is a Cowboys fan... and she needs to start living up to that expectation.  So she will throw a football around the room with her brother, yell "Go Cowboys" when the time is appropriate, and be still when they lose a game.  She will do things to please her father, even if it makes zero sense to her in the process.

The best part about being an obedient child?  You are always at peace.

I'm a person with insomnia.  I've had sleep issues for the majority of my adolescent/adult life and I've never been able to pinpoint exactly why.  So when people can fall asleep just about anywhere and in a matter of minutes, it astounds me.  But I had never seen anything so amazing as when toward the end of the evening, we all looked over and found that Paige had fallen asleep while trying to see the movie my sister was watching on the iPad.

Feet dangling off of the chair... head placed on an awkward "pillow"... it looked uncomfortable to say the very least.  But she was sound asleep.  She was satisfied from pleasing her father and cuddled up in the outfit that was put on her.  It didn't matter that the family was still talking (rather loudly, I mean hello we're all from Jersey).. it didn't matter that she didn't get to see the end of the movie.. and it sure didn't matter that she was in an extremely uncomfortable position.

That's the thing about living your life for your Father, it doesn't matter what's going on externally because it is an inner peace.

She knew the night would end on a good note because the Cowboys won and she did her part in that task.  She didn't need to know the end of the movie, she could always watch it another day.

We don't always know how the small things will turn out in our lives, but we know that in the end our Father's team WILL be victorious.  So we need to do our part in the here and now.  We need to do what He asks of us, even if it seems silly in our naive, child-like minds at the time.  And when we eagerly comply the angels will cheer and Jesus will smile and we will be safe in our Father's arms forever.  Your daughter is here and willing, Lord.

(Go Cowboys.)

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I am at peace.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18--
¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Jesus, I am so thankful for the season of life that you have me in.  I am looking forward to next year, where I can build up my leadership skills and take the time to develop before applying for staff.  THAT is Your will and so for this I am grateful.  And I am at peace.  FINALLY.  I am ecstatic to have the opportunity to participate in the way You transform lives on college campuses, be it by volunteering or being on staff.

I'm thankful for the fellowship that I have at school and this amazing senior year that You've provided for me.  I live with five of the greatest and most Godly women I've ever met.  It's such a priveledge to spend each day with them and see how You are moving in their lives.  I'm grateful for the health of our IV chapter.  We have such a solid leadership team that is ready to make a difference on our campus.

Such a privilege to lead with these rockstars this year

I'm thankful to have a lighter course load this year and to be able to learn and grow on this amazing research team that you have me on.  I've not only been able to learn knowledge on this team but life-skills, as well.  I'm so grateful that I finally found my niche in school--Jesus learning about the brain is. so. my. thing.

I'm thankful for the fellowship that I also now have at home.  I love my church and the people in it.  I'm grateful for the opportunities You provide for me to witness to my dad and sister.  Jesus just change their hearts to yearn for You only.

Most importantly, I'm thankful for the cross.  To be able to come to You as I am.  To be able to call You "Abba."  To be able to pray for my campus and my family is such a gift because I don't deserve to ask You for anything.  But regardless, You so eagerly want me to.  To be continually forgiven and loved even when I mess up time and time again.  G.R.A.C.E.  I am thankful that You are love and I am so very grateful that You pursued me and changed my heart to understand that Truth.  In conversations this week I've learned that some people (very close to me) don't understand how deep You love them.  To be able to understand grace and love and mercy and forgiveness and this relationship... that comprehension comes only from Your Spirit.  And so I thank You for giving that to me.  I am thankful that You are more than enough for me.

I am thankful to be Your daughter.

When Simultaneous Occurances Conflict

This weekend was our area's fall conference for InterVarsity called EVA.  It was filled with the kind of laughter I had not experienced in a long time--the kind that causes you to not even be able to breathe or speak.  It was also filled with tears that were so uncontrollable that I frequently found myself breaking down in front of strangers.  It was an emotional roller coaster in every sense of the term.  Up and down, up and down.  Blending together the joy that I have when I'm in a track learning about Jesus and the sorrow I have when a passion that God has put on my heart is unattainable for the time being.  It was the first time since I've gotten saved that my eyes were really opened to seeing the true joy of Christ in my life through the pain that sometimes comes.  We sang this song at EVA and it spoke wonders to me--

O joy that seeks me through the pain, I cannot close my heart to Thee.  I chase the rainbow through the rain and feel the promise is not vain that mourn shall tearless be.

This weekend I stood, staring at a closed door while I distinctly heard the Lord tell me, Beloved, you will walk through that door one day.

How is that possible, Lord?  I was standing on the porch this weekend after the door had shut rather abruptly, watching the people that had gone before me inside the house.  I was completely submerged in what a future in this area on staff looks like, not only watching them do their jobs but talking to multiple staff workers about it.  Yet I was standing--heartbroken--just staring and listening with that door blocking me.  I just want to go inside, Jesus, I whispered.  I just want this decision to be changed.

But that's not reality.

So how was it that while I was leaning hopelessly against the door I heard Jesus more distinctly than ever tell me that I shouldn't worry.  I felt such a burning passion this weekend and I heard confirmation from the Lord that He has put this passion in my heart and He will see it through.

But I'm so confused how this is even possible because I'm staring at a closed door.

In Luke 1:5-25 Zechariah is told that he and his wife will have a child (John the Baptist) even though his wife has been barren for many years and they are both old.  In verse 18 Zechariah says, "How can I be sure of this?" and he learns in a rather difficult way to not question this promise from the Lord but to remain faithful.

Sometimes circumstances seem impossible and bleak.  Sometimes we doubt that it will work out in our favor.  But God is always moving.  God is always at work.

Maybe I'll be in a different region.  Maybe I'll go on staff in a couple of years.  But regardless of how I walk through that door I know that I will be inside one day.  I feel this call at too powerful of a degree for this to not be the case.  The passion I have for college students has definitely been given to me by the Lord and I know that my career will somehow take me to whichever campus I'm meant to be at.

One day I will rejoice and say, "The Lord has done this for me" (Luke 1:25).

Tie Dye

Tie dying a shirt isn't a one step deal.  It's a process.

The child begins this process with a white shirt.  Clean.  New.  Ready to be splattered by inspiration.

But then it gets crumpled up.  The child rolls it and folds it.  At first this is done in a neat and orderly swirling process.  But when it comes time to add the rubber bands, somehow the shirt becomes crinkled.  The sleeves get shoved into awkward nooks in the fabric.  And the whole thing sort of takes on a bent curve because the rubber bands are pulling it in too tight.

It is just too tight.  It's suffocating the poor material.  And the chains aren't letting go anytime soon.

Then the shirt is SPLATTERED with dye.  Yellow.  Red.  Blue.  The child attempts to add the colors with a plan in mind:  one in each "triangle" that the rubber bands have formed.  But the triangles are being pulled tighter and tighter into the center and the colors are meshing in weird places.  Parts of the shirt look black from spots where all of the three primary colors have mixed together.  Not bright and beautiful.  Just black.  Dark with use.  Dark with experience.  Dark with a past that seems impossible to wash away.

I shouldn't have put that red in that corner.  I should have saved it for the sleeve that's still looking pretty bland.  Cursing herself for adding color when it already looked good.  I should have stopped when it seemed ready.  An artist's worst nightmare.

Cursing herself for running out of dye to finish the sleeves.  I didn't have enough time.  I didn't have enough resources.  And now it's too late.  The red is gone.

What the child didn't know was that her Father was monitoring her every move.  He knew about the chains she put on the shirt.  He knew about the spots where too much color--too many experiences--were mushed into the fabric.

He knew that regardless of the mess she made out of it, He could work with whatever sloppy pile of cotton she handed Him.  And He would use the colors she chose and the patterns of rubber bands she tied it with to change it into a masterpiece.

The next step in the process is that the black, wet, sloppy mess must sit for 24 hours.  It can't touch anything around it because the dye will rub off and infect it's environment.  Like a disease.  So it sits.  Alone.  Soaking wet in an old Target bag, waiting for the arbitrary time period to be over.  The Father was in charge of how long it had to sit and wait.  He had to keep telling His daughter that it wasn't time yet, even though she was so jumpy to just get going.  The child waits for her Father to nod and say, "It is time."

That's when the Father picks up the dirty pile and runs it under cold water.  He takes off the rubber bands, setting the shirt free from its chains.  He rinses it as He watches the excess dye run down the drain.  Doing away with the areas that had those dark color vortexes.  Doing away with the areas that were soiled with the wrong choices.

And when it comes out of the wash it's bright.  And perfect.  It retains just the right amount of each color because it was able to sit for those precious 24 hours

Waiting on Him in periods of darkness and uncertainty is frustrating.  Every minute passes slower than the last.

The shirt had waited for so long in those chains.  It had waited for so long in those puddles of dark dye.  It had waited for so long wondering, "When will the Father release me from this mess?  Where are You in all of this?  Please rescue me."

And then a soft whimper, "Please rescue me even though I don't deserve it."

And when the Father finishes washing the excess dye down the drain He smiles and says,

"You are perfect because I broke your chains and washed you clean.  You are perfect because I released you from the darkness after the appropriate amount of time."

He pulls it over His daughter's head and whispers, "You are perfect because you are Mine."

Hitting a Speed Bump

If you don't watch the show Parenthood, you should.

On a recent episode Crosby and Adam decided to open up a music recording studio.  They rushed to get their first artist in, working through the night for several days to have the studio up and running on time.  However, after a day of recording, the artist was unsatisfied and it seemed that they no longer had his business.

Adam said, "Alright well, so that's it then... We’ll get other musicians in here to record.  We weren’t ready.  But you know what we did?  Gave it our all.  That’s all anybody can do.  Ever.  Learn from your mistakes.  We hit a little bump."

Sometimes things don't always go the way we had anticipated.  Sometimes we think we're going to be ready--we think we are ready--because the past several days (or years) have been on fast-forward in our lives.  Sometimes God is asking us to slow down.  Sometimes it's unwise to jump right into things.

And when the answer comes that we didn't want to hear all we can do is sigh and say, "So that's it then."  There's nothing we can do to change it because we gave it our all.  But just because we hit a bump doesn't mean the journey is over.

Speed bumps are placed there to get us to slow down.

Usually speed bumps are bright and yellow and we see them coming from yards away.  But sometimes they are just black with tiny white lines and we hit them going full speed (if you're in a hurry or from Jersey anyway haha) and they come as a shock to us.

easy to see

hard to see

They literally FORCE us to slow down.  Even if we didn't see them coming.  Even if the timing wasn't ideal in our minds.

The timing is ideal for God.  And that's all that matters.  God places speed bumps strategically.  Nothing is done without reason.

"Alright well, so that's it then... Learn from your mistakes."

I'm ready to learn.  I'm ready to grow.  I'm ready  to be taught.  Even if the car is going 10mph over a speed bump.  Even if my life is in slow motion for the next year and a half.

Even if the end result still isn't what I want it to be.  It's what God wants it to be.

And really, that's all that matters anyway.

Jesus is in control of not only the car we're in, but the road we're on.  Bring on the speed bumps.  Bring on the sharp turns.  Bring on the open road when we are ready to go full speed.

Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you (Job 22:21).