"I'm not your teddy."

"Cause I'll be by your side, wherever you fall in dead of night, whenever you call, and please don't fight these Hands that are holding you; My Hands are holding you."

This song brought tears to my eyes tonight.

When I was a little kid my cousin Jill, who was 8 years older than me, was the big sister that I never had.  We grew up basically within walking distance from each other and played multiple imaginary games that she created.  My favorite was called "teddy bear," a game in which she would lay on the floor and pretend that I was her "teddy" and "fall asleep."  I would squirm and try to wiggle myself out of her grip, all the while screaming, "I'm not your teddy!"  I would make up excuses like "I have to go brush my teeth!" but they would just make her squeeze me tighter.  I don't think I ever won the game (winning would entail my escape) because even when I thought I was free and would try to power-crawl away she would just reach out and drag me back into her grasp.  The strength of a 5 year old is nothing compared to a 13 year old.

I tried so many excuses on Jesus these past four days.  "I'm not good enough.  I'll just fall short again anyway.  I'm always going to struggle with this. I don't deserve Your love. I want to go my own way, do my own thing..."

The pathetic list goes on and on.

Truth is I was just trying to wiggle free.  One sinful mistake caused me to forget about the amazing past month I had just hanging out with Him.  It caused me to forget that His love completely sustains me and that I desire it more than those other things in my life.  It caused me to squirm and fight and yell excuses that I'm not good enough for His love anyway.

But He just held me tighter.  "Please don't fight these Hands that are holding you."

Truth is I'm always going to fall short.  But His grace is enough.  His love and His sacrifice is more powerful than all of my short-comings.  I get in these funks and question my own salvation because I continuously watch myself fall over and over again in the same areas.  But me questioning my salvation is me minimizing what He did for me on that cross.  He died FOR ME.  He died FOR YOU.  And He covers ALL of my sin.  ALL. OF. IT.

I need to stop focusing on how I'm falling short and continue to focus on how I'm falling more in love with Him.  I am His beloved.

In my last entry I mentioned that I am living the greatest love story ever written.  Jesus doesn't invite us into a story of us earning His grace by good works (or by lack of bad works).  He invites us into a beautiful and holy relationship with Him--one where love is perfect and everlasting and consistent--without any doing on our part.  It is all His doing.  It is all His grace.  It is all His Spirit that gives us life.  All we have to do is embrace and accept it.

Max Lucado writes in response to Ephesians 2:7--  "God knows everything about you, yet he doesn't hold back his kindness toward you.  Has he, knowing all your secrets, retracted one promise or reclaimed one gift?  No, he is kind to you.  Why don't you be kind to yourself?  He forgives your faults.  Why don't you do the same? ...He believes in you enough to call you his ambassador, his follower, even his child.  Why not take his cue and believe in yourself?"

I might be wiggling and screaming at Him, I'M NOT YOUR TEDDY.  I'M NOT YOUR SON.  YOU DON'T WANT ME, but that just makes Him hold me tighter and whisper, Beloved what do I have to do to make you understand?  When I look at you I do see my Son.  And I do want you.  All of you.  Just as you are.  My Hands are holding you.