darkened desires

Perseverance can be difficult.  Especially when I can't see in front of me.  Especially when doors keep closing and I'm wondering when one is going to open (or if...?).  Especially when I wonder what I even want.  Do I even know the desires of my own heart anymore?  If my flesh and Spirit are always in conflict with each other, then how am I ever supposed to tell which way is up and which way is down?

Because after a long sleepless night I can wake up and remember how much You love me.

Because "those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires (Galatians 5:24)."
And crucifixion is a long, painful process.  It is a slow and steady death.
But death will come.

So in the process I need to make those daily choices to continue to die to myself, even when it hurts and I'm unsure and it's hard.

Because there's a promise that one day
I'll
get
there.

There's a promise that one day
I'll
look like
You.

There's a promise that You love me beyond what my fragile limbic system can imagine.

I just need to persevere through the dark even when I can't see and I don't necessarily feel like it.  I need to keep going on this journey even when the desires of my flesh are raging against the desires of Your Spirit.  I can't give up just because I feel defeated and weak.  Because, as my friend Aletheia blogged about today, the light always comes.

Darkened desires are scary and uncertain.  I can't depend on my feelings as I'm walking through this tunnel in the night because darkness can lead to heightened arousal and irrational fears.  Yet the promise of the illumination to come can cause me to press on, even when I want to give up and sit down or maybe even turn around and go back through the familiar route that I know.

Your love is more powerful than my shortcomings and more powerful than my doubt.
It is perfect.
And You gave me a promise that it will always come.