honest worship

Those words we sing during worship... man oh man are they heavy.  Here are a few of the crazy lyrics that we proclaimed at the coffeehouse tonight:

"Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause."
"Everything I once held dear I count it all as lost."
"Rid me of myself."
"All I am, I surrender."
"I'm broken inside, I give You my life."
"I need You to soften my heart/To break me apart/I need You to pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me."

I want to sing those words and mean it.  I want to scream, "YES LORD. BREAK ME APART. I SURRENDER.  I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING THIS WORLD HAS TO OFFER AND I COUNT IT ALL AS LOST.  EVERY PART OF ME IS FOR YOUR KINGDOM.  PIERCE. THOUGH. THE. DARK."

But if I'm being honest, sometimes I like staying in the dark.  I like living for myself instead of His Kingdom because it's easier if I just do me.  My time.  My career.  My GPA.  My relationships.  I still hold some loves dear to me; I'm still enticed by money, and appearance, and success, and a love life, and having people "think highly of me."

Do I really mean it when I say I give You my life?  When I ask You to rid me of myself?  When I tell You that I surrender it all? (C'mon, can't I keep some parts of me??!)

Do I really want You to break me apart?  That will hurt.  And I'm afraid to engage myself in the healing process because the ripping part will be painful.  If You don't pierce through the dark then I won't know any different... right?

Wrong.  Ignorance is not bliss.
Jesus, help me sing these words and mean it.  Help me chase after You wholeheartedly.  Help me dive head-first into this healing process with You as You pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me.