Friday, February 15, 2013
movement
Spiritual movement.
What does it look like?
I think that I only ever picture it as clear steps forward. Sometimes gaining momentum, sometimes a steady pace. But always forward.
Maybe movement isn't always so clear.
Maybe sometimes it's below the surface.
Masked and hidden.
Maybe movement is actually disguised by more sin because maybe movement is when we recognize our sin more. When we realize our desperate need for a Savior.
Maybe movement might even appear as steps backward. Like the recognition of a snippy tone or noticing there's an unwillingness to pray over a specific sin. Maybe movement is that burning in your heart to get you to step into the new that you keep ignoring because you're scared.
Maybe movement is the force needed to break the inertia of that object at rest.
The force that causes you to even become aware that your heart is at rest.
Maybe that burning in your heart is that force telling you that it's time to let go.
That it's time to enter into a new layer of healing.
Maybe movement forward is actually becoming more sickened by self as we are overcome by our innately sinful hearts.
So maybe progress in God's backward economy looks different.
Because it causes us to cling more to Jesus as we acknowledge our own sin problem.
Because it draws us closer to our Savior.
And maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe that's not movement at all.
But I sure do enter [kicking and screaming] into these new levels far too frequently for it to not be.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
The Holy Land
As most of you know, I spent the past two weeks in Israel with 39 people (mostly from my church). It was the most life-changing trip I've ever been on. Not only did I have a wonderful time there, but I could feel the impact when we returned home and went to church because I could picture the places that were referenced in Sunday's sermon.
People keep asking me to post a blog about the trip, and I'm not really sure what to say. How can I sum up an experience where I saw so many biblical sites, learned about Israel's history, felt Jesus working on my heart personally in so many ways, and developed new friendships? I can't. Not concisely anyway. If you were to open my journal it wouldn't make any sense to you because my thoughts are scattered and out of order as I'm trying to piece together what I experienced. All I know is that this trip completely changed the way I read Scripture and that Jesus brought me to new levels of healing as I engaged Him on this two-week retreat.
[I might post a few entries from specific days and specific ways Jesus spoke to me, other than that, I apologize because there's absolutely no way I can sum up my trip in words. My advice? Make it a priority to go to Israel. My church is going again in Summer 2015.]
But one thing I know, it really did completely change me as a disciple of Jesus. There's no way a person can visit all of these sites and have all of these experiences and not read the Bible in a completely new light.
I sailed on the Sea of Galilee. I stood on the mountain where Satan temped Jesus. I heard a real rooster crow while standing in the place where Peter denied Jesus three times. I heard a fragment of the Beatitudes while sitting in the same place Jesus taught. I prayed at the pool of Bethesda. I cried in the prison where Jesus was kept before He was crucified. I took communion at the empty garden tomb. I stood on the place where the temple used to be and looked out at where Jesus will return on the Mount of Olives. I saw the soon-to-be Armageddon battlefields from the top of Megiddo. I ate food like people in the Old Testament would have during a dress-up lunch at Abraham's Tent. I walked the streets of Nazareth and Bethlehem. I touched the Western (Wailing) Wall. I worshipped in the Garden of Gethsemane and in Caphernaum. I stood on the hill where Saul committed suicide and saw the area of caves that David hid in. I (along with 14 others) read the Psalms of Ascent aloud while standing on the steps leading up to the Temple. I watched as my friends were baptized in the Jordan River.
And I did other (more cultural and less biblical) things too. I floated in the Dead Sea. I bartered a price for a scarf in the Jerusalem markets. I climbed down Masada. I got my first ever massage. I ate a bunch of foreign foods that I paid for in shekels. I gained a new appreciation for the beauty of nature and for God as Creator. I visited a holocaust museum. I drank a ton of expresso and laughed hysterically with good friends.
These photos don't do it justice. They don't capture the vastness of the beautiful mountains and waters. But here's a little taste of my trip.
People keep asking me to post a blog about the trip, and I'm not really sure what to say. How can I sum up an experience where I saw so many biblical sites, learned about Israel's history, felt Jesus working on my heart personally in so many ways, and developed new friendships? I can't. Not concisely anyway. If you were to open my journal it wouldn't make any sense to you because my thoughts are scattered and out of order as I'm trying to piece together what I experienced. All I know is that this trip completely changed the way I read Scripture and that Jesus brought me to new levels of healing as I engaged Him on this two-week retreat.
[I might post a few entries from specific days and specific ways Jesus spoke to me, other than that, I apologize because there's absolutely no way I can sum up my trip in words. My advice? Make it a priority to go to Israel. My church is going again in Summer 2015.]
But one thing I know, it really did completely change me as a disciple of Jesus. There's no way a person can visit all of these sites and have all of these experiences and not read the Bible in a completely new light.
I sailed on the Sea of Galilee. I stood on the mountain where Satan temped Jesus. I heard a real rooster crow while standing in the place where Peter denied Jesus three times. I heard a fragment of the Beatitudes while sitting in the same place Jesus taught. I prayed at the pool of Bethesda. I cried in the prison where Jesus was kept before He was crucified. I took communion at the empty garden tomb. I stood on the place where the temple used to be and looked out at where Jesus will return on the Mount of Olives. I saw the soon-to-be Armageddon battlefields from the top of Megiddo. I ate food like people in the Old Testament would have during a dress-up lunch at Abraham's Tent. I walked the streets of Nazareth and Bethlehem. I touched the Western (Wailing) Wall. I worshipped in the Garden of Gethsemane and in Caphernaum. I stood on the hill where Saul committed suicide and saw the area of caves that David hid in. I (along with 14 others) read the Psalms of Ascent aloud while standing on the steps leading up to the Temple. I watched as my friends were baptized in the Jordan River.
And I did other (more cultural and less biblical) things too. I floated in the Dead Sea. I bartered a price for a scarf in the Jerusalem markets. I climbed down Masada. I got my first ever massage. I ate a bunch of foreign foods that I paid for in shekels. I gained a new appreciation for the beauty of nature and for God as Creator. I visited a holocaust museum. I drank a ton of expresso and laughed hysterically with good friends.
These photos don't do it justice. They don't capture the vastness of the beautiful mountains and waters. But here's a little taste of my trip.
 |
| Pool of Bethesda |
 |
| Jerusalem Marketplace |
 |
| Empty Tomb |
 |
| Swimming [Floating] in the Dead Sea |
 |
| View of the Mt. of Olives from the Temple Mount |
 |
| Boat Ride on the Sea of Galilee |
 |
| Reading the Psalms of Ascent on the Temple Steps |
 |
| Abraham's Tent Dress-Up Lunch |
 |
| Baptism in the Jordan River |
 |
| Camels at Abraham's Tent |
 |
| Caesarea--where Paul was on Trial |
 |
| View from the top of Masada |
 |
| Western Wall |
 |
| Golan Heights |
 |
| Roomies! |
 |
| All the Mountains Around Abraham's Tent |
 |
| Garden of Gethsemane |
 |
| Probable Location of the Temple [on the Temple Mount] |
 |
| Caiaphas' House-- Prison where Jesus was held |
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Palm Trees in Israel
About a year ago, Gregg and Robin convinced me to go on a trip to Israel with our church. I signed up beacause their eagerness persuaded me and because I had never really been out of the country. (And hey, you don't have to tell an ENFJ twice to go on a trip with 39 other people.) But I didn't really have any expectations and wasn't sure what to expect.
In the weeks leading up to the trip, friends that had been to Israel jumped in excitement when I told them I was going. They talked of the spiritual high. Of the feeling you get when you step into the home of Jesus when He lived on earth and how that resonates with the fact that He has now made His home in our hearts.
But when the plane landed and we waddled (very sleepily) to the tour bus, I didn't feel holiness radiate out of my body. I didn't hear angels singing and I didn't see any supernatural things happen. Actually, it was raining and felt like a normal day--for the exception of the fact that I was overly exhausted and wondering how I was going to get through an entire day of touring (it was 9:30am in Israel, but 2:30am NJ time). I didn't experience anything out of the ordinary.
But as we drove down the highway of this major city of Tel Aviv, I could not get over what I was seeing outside of the windows.
Palm trees.
There are palm trees in Israel?
Isn't it supposed to be one big desert?
"Robin, there are palm trees."
"Yeah, Lyss. We're on the same latitude as Florida."
Palm trees...
We spent the day touring some amazing sites (maybe when I get home I'll post a more detailed account of where we went... maybe...) and when we reached the waterfront spot on the Sea of Galilee where our hotel was located, I couldn't believe my eyes. Everywhere I looked there were green rolling mountains. I felt like I was on the set of The Sound of Music. And there were palm trees. Lots and lots of palm trees.
And for our first four days of this trip, as we traveled in the region of Galilee, that was my consistent experience. We visited many, many locations where Jesus stayed and taught and performed miracles and the scenery was nothing like I had pictured it. For one, EVERY part clustered around the Sea of Galilee--definitely never pictured Peter's house on the waterfront, I could tell you that much.
My mind needed to be stripped of all it's preconceived imaginations of the set of biblical events and replaced with the reality of the beauty that was before me.
I suddenly realized that I will now read Scripture very differently and that it will greatly enhance my own relationship with Jesus because I understand more about His ministry and His culture. Then I realized something even more striking to me.
This trip will greatly impact my ministry because I will now be able to teach the Bible so radically different to my students.
Friends, if you are Christian, you must make it a priority to visit Israel. And even more so if you are in ministry because it will then trickle down into all of the people that you teach. Pastors, InterVarsity Staff, YoungLife Staff, and the various other ministries that I know some of you are in that read this blog... visit the Holy Land. Seriously. Don't put it off. Not because you'll have some super spiritual experience or come back on a Jesus high, but because it will make you a better disciple and better able to read and understand Scripture.
I plan to post a few more stories about some cool experiences that happened here in the next few days. Unfortunately, I probably won't be able to post about all of the amazing places we visited and teachings we heard because there was just far too many on the itinerary.
But signing off I will say this...
I had little to no expectations of what I would experience here, but I think I've found my theme to this trip: Jesus is reforming my previous thoughts and images of what these Bible stories were like (from everything like the town of Nazareth to the fish that was multiplied in the feeding of the 5,000).
Start saving my ministry friends. It is so very important that we can accurately understand and teach what we read in Scripture.
[Oh and honestly... being on this trip is honestly just really FUN! And Israel has some of the best coffee I've ever tasted.]
In the weeks leading up to the trip, friends that had been to Israel jumped in excitement when I told them I was going. They talked of the spiritual high. Of the feeling you get when you step into the home of Jesus when He lived on earth and how that resonates with the fact that He has now made His home in our hearts.
But when the plane landed and we waddled (very sleepily) to the tour bus, I didn't feel holiness radiate out of my body. I didn't hear angels singing and I didn't see any supernatural things happen. Actually, it was raining and felt like a normal day--for the exception of the fact that I was overly exhausted and wondering how I was going to get through an entire day of touring (it was 9:30am in Israel, but 2:30am NJ time). I didn't experience anything out of the ordinary.
But as we drove down the highway of this major city of Tel Aviv, I could not get over what I was seeing outside of the windows.
Palm trees.
There are palm trees in Israel?
Isn't it supposed to be one big desert?
"Robin, there are palm trees."
"Yeah, Lyss. We're on the same latitude as Florida."
Palm trees...
We spent the day touring some amazing sites (maybe when I get home I'll post a more detailed account of where we went... maybe...) and when we reached the waterfront spot on the Sea of Galilee where our hotel was located, I couldn't believe my eyes. Everywhere I looked there were green rolling mountains. I felt like I was on the set of The Sound of Music. And there were palm trees. Lots and lots of palm trees.
And for our first four days of this trip, as we traveled in the region of Galilee, that was my consistent experience. We visited many, many locations where Jesus stayed and taught and performed miracles and the scenery was nothing like I had pictured it. For one, EVERY part clustered around the Sea of Galilee--definitely never pictured Peter's house on the waterfront, I could tell you that much.
My mind needed to be stripped of all it's preconceived imaginations of the set of biblical events and replaced with the reality of the beauty that was before me.
I suddenly realized that I will now read Scripture very differently and that it will greatly enhance my own relationship with Jesus because I understand more about His ministry and His culture. Then I realized something even more striking to me.
This trip will greatly impact my ministry because I will now be able to teach the Bible so radically different to my students.
Friends, if you are Christian, you must make it a priority to visit Israel. And even more so if you are in ministry because it will then trickle down into all of the people that you teach. Pastors, InterVarsity Staff, YoungLife Staff, and the various other ministries that I know some of you are in that read this blog... visit the Holy Land. Seriously. Don't put it off. Not because you'll have some super spiritual experience or come back on a Jesus high, but because it will make you a better disciple and better able to read and understand Scripture.
I plan to post a few more stories about some cool experiences that happened here in the next few days. Unfortunately, I probably won't be able to post about all of the amazing places we visited and teachings we heard because there was just far too many on the itinerary.
But signing off I will say this...
I had little to no expectations of what I would experience here, but I think I've found my theme to this trip: Jesus is reforming my previous thoughts and images of what these Bible stories were like (from everything like the town of Nazareth to the fish that was multiplied in the feeding of the 5,000).
Start saving my ministry friends. It is so very important that we can accurately understand and teach what we read in Scripture.
[Oh and honestly... being on this trip is honestly just really FUN! And Israel has some of the best coffee I've ever tasted.]
Saturday, January 19, 2013
dying to self
People have brought to my attention recently that I haven't posted a blog in a very long time. I must offer up my apologies for that, especially to my out-of-state friends who read this to keep up-to-date on my life.
Truth is, I don't know what to say. My mind is in a constant state of spinning--sometimes with good things, sometimes with hard things--and to articulate those fragments of what I've been learning is a bit difficult.
For the basics, I was hired by InterVarsity Christian Fellowship for full-time Staff at The College of New Jersey on December 7th. [To see my website/blog-in-progress regarding staff work, go here.] I've been busy with end-of-the-year finances at my part time job (church bookkeeper), am in the beginning process of raising funds (for InterVarsity), and have been doing prep with my students for New Student Outreach (which starts this up-coming week). Somewhere in the middle of that craziness was a very short holiday season and then I headed off for a week to InterVarsity's tri-annual missions conference called Urbana (located in St. Louis, MO).
In the past month or so, I've had some absolutely insane encounters with the Holy Spirit, have been learning that I have some serious wounds from my past that need healing, have come to recognize that I need to love more [and better], and have begun to realize that I've lived with a lot of pride for a long time. I've also learned that when you are a person in ministry, people view you a different way. Suddenly the tides shift and there are expectations that people unknowingly hold about you.
Truth is, I'm just a very average person. Truth is, I'm just a sinner saved by grace like everybody else. I laugh some moments and struggle during others. I delight in showing people The Way and at times feel like I am terrible at "being a Christian." I'm honestly no one special and have done nothing great. All I know is that Christ lives in me. And He has redeemed me and is in the process of making me new. And I am willing to go where He sends me.
I am learning a lot about myself and my constant need of a Savior these days.
The more I am brought face-to-face with my sin, the more the state of my heart saddens me.
The more I am surprised at God's decision to put me (of all people) in ministry.
The humbler I become before God.
Some days I am so in touch with the Spirit and feel so very free.
Other days the work that Jesus is doing in my heart hurts so much.
On those days I feel like He is detoxing me from my sinful thoughts and actions to the point that every part of me hurts. I'm afraid to even get out of bed and begin a day if I know I will only be at war. I question why He desires to work through me in my community and on the campus of TCNJ. It feels like I am drinking poison, as the distraught state of my mind manifests itself emotionally, spiritually, and physically in me.
But that's exactly what it is that hurts:
Dying to self.
When Jesus said to take up my cross daily and follow Him, He meant it. (Luke 9:23)
Crucifixion is a slow and painful death.
Taking up my cross is something that I must repeat. Daily. I can't choose to die to self today and not tomorrow.
Regardless of the hurt, I must be obedient. Even if that means facing giants in my life. Even if that means looking at my own imperfect reflection and choosing to engage in battle.
Because He lives in me I can overcome. Because He is working through me, I am fighting from a place of victory. [Even if I have to tell myself that over and over.]
In ten days, I leave for a two week trip to Israel with my church. My hope is that while I'm there--on a trip that is focused on time with God in the places He walked here on earth--He'll meet me. My hope is that He'll continue working on my heart and reminding me that dying to self is worth it because He is worth it.
Because the end goal is Jesus.
Truth is, I don't know what to say. My mind is in a constant state of spinning--sometimes with good things, sometimes with hard things--and to articulate those fragments of what I've been learning is a bit difficult.
For the basics, I was hired by InterVarsity Christian Fellowship for full-time Staff at The College of New Jersey on December 7th. [To see my website/blog-in-progress regarding staff work, go here.] I've been busy with end-of-the-year finances at my part time job (church bookkeeper), am in the beginning process of raising funds (for InterVarsity), and have been doing prep with my students for New Student Outreach (which starts this up-coming week). Somewhere in the middle of that craziness was a very short holiday season and then I headed off for a week to InterVarsity's tri-annual missions conference called Urbana (located in St. Louis, MO).
In the past month or so, I've had some absolutely insane encounters with the Holy Spirit, have been learning that I have some serious wounds from my past that need healing, have come to recognize that I need to love more [and better], and have begun to realize that I've lived with a lot of pride for a long time. I've also learned that when you are a person in ministry, people view you a different way. Suddenly the tides shift and there are expectations that people unknowingly hold about you.
Truth is, I'm just a very average person. Truth is, I'm just a sinner saved by grace like everybody else. I laugh some moments and struggle during others. I delight in showing people The Way and at times feel like I am terrible at "being a Christian." I'm honestly no one special and have done nothing great. All I know is that Christ lives in me. And He has redeemed me and is in the process of making me new. And I am willing to go where He sends me.
I am learning a lot about myself and my constant need of a Savior these days.
The more I am brought face-to-face with my sin, the more the state of my heart saddens me.
The more I am surprised at God's decision to put me (of all people) in ministry.
The humbler I become before God.
Some days I am so in touch with the Spirit and feel so very free.
Other days the work that Jesus is doing in my heart hurts so much.
On those days I feel like He is detoxing me from my sinful thoughts and actions to the point that every part of me hurts. I'm afraid to even get out of bed and begin a day if I know I will only be at war. I question why He desires to work through me in my community and on the campus of TCNJ. It feels like I am drinking poison, as the distraught state of my mind manifests itself emotionally, spiritually, and physically in me.
But that's exactly what it is that hurts:
Dying to self.
When Jesus said to take up my cross daily and follow Him, He meant it. (Luke 9:23)
Crucifixion is a slow and painful death.
Taking up my cross is something that I must repeat. Daily. I can't choose to die to self today and not tomorrow.
Regardless of the hurt, I must be obedient. Even if that means facing giants in my life. Even if that means looking at my own imperfect reflection and choosing to engage in battle.
Because He lives in me I can overcome. Because He is working through me, I am fighting from a place of victory. [Even if I have to tell myself that over and over.]
In ten days, I leave for a two week trip to Israel with my church. My hope is that while I'm there--on a trip that is focused on time with God in the places He walked here on earth--He'll meet me. My hope is that He'll continue working on my heart and reminding me that dying to self is worth it because He is worth it.
Because the end goal is Jesus.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
stories in the mess
Working two jobs and barely having time to even eat meals, chores were far from my radar this month. Not only did the unclean laundry pile up on my floor, but the Christmas presents (and wrapping paper) and the new fund development materials that InterVarsity sent me lined every inch of my floor.
Generally, my life is filled with clutter. But when the messy becomes burdensome, something's gotta give. For the past several days I was filled with worry any time I hopped out of my room that I would sprain my ankle in my attempts at dodging clothes and important (oops) documents and whatever else layered the floor.
And so a safe path in and out of my room became my project for Saturday.
Never mind the dirty laundry--that task was easy. It was putting order to the work material that made me want to pull my hair out. Before I could even think about organizing it (which I haven't really gotten to yet) I had to thoroughly clean out my desk.
But in an afternoon that I had been dreading for weeks, I found a sort of peace. Somewhere amidst the messy, stories of my life danced about.
I found pictures from my toddler years that I held in my hand and remembered how small and innocent and pure I was back then.
I boxed up photos from my middle school years and my heart broke when I thought of the downward spiral that began for me sometime in those "tween" days.
I threw away memories from my darkest late high school/early college years that I did not want to keep. But I looked at each photo first. And I allowed my mind to trail back to that standstill in time. And I wasn't just throwing away pictures. I was throwing away stories.
One by one, I threw away my past. Sin by sin. Heartbreak by heartbreak. I let them go.
And after a garbage bag was full of trash and a box was labeled and ready for the attic, I pushed those snapshots away from my life. My past may have led me along the way, but it sure doesn't define me anymore. I have been washed. I have been cleaned.
I am a new creation.
Amid the physical messiness of my room, the messiness of the timeline of my life and the past brokenness of my spirit emerged. I emptied those desk drawers and boxed up those old albums so that I could fill those drawers with my Scriptural references and InterVarsity material.
Throwing out the old to make room for the new.
As I added my last stack of fund development cards and closed the drawer, I could tangibly see that. Over the past several years, Jesus had one-by-one been removing my past and working on my heart to make room for this new life.
To make room for Him.
My room? Still pretty cluttered. My heart? Still pretty messy.
But there's a pathway through my room now. And I don't have to be afraid of twisting my ankle. A pathway that leads me right to my King.
Generally, my life is filled with clutter. But when the messy becomes burdensome, something's gotta give. For the past several days I was filled with worry any time I hopped out of my room that I would sprain my ankle in my attempts at dodging clothes and important (oops) documents and whatever else layered the floor.
And so a safe path in and out of my room became my project for Saturday.
Never mind the dirty laundry--that task was easy. It was putting order to the work material that made me want to pull my hair out. Before I could even think about organizing it (which I haven't really gotten to yet) I had to thoroughly clean out my desk.
But in an afternoon that I had been dreading for weeks, I found a sort of peace. Somewhere amidst the messy, stories of my life danced about.
I found pictures from my toddler years that I held in my hand and remembered how small and innocent and pure I was back then.
 |
| When in doubt, assume I'm the one in the Wizard of Oz gear. |
I boxed up photos from my middle school years and my heart broke when I thought of the downward spiral that began for me sometime in those "tween" days.
I threw away memories from my darkest late high school/early college years that I did not want to keep. But I looked at each photo first. And I allowed my mind to trail back to that standstill in time. And I wasn't just throwing away pictures. I was throwing away stories.
One by one, I threw away my past. Sin by sin. Heartbreak by heartbreak. I let them go.
And after a garbage bag was full of trash and a box was labeled and ready for the attic, I pushed those snapshots away from my life. My past may have led me along the way, but it sure doesn't define me anymore. I have been washed. I have been cleaned.
I am a new creation.
Amid the physical messiness of my room, the messiness of the timeline of my life and the past brokenness of my spirit emerged. I emptied those desk drawers and boxed up those old albums so that I could fill those drawers with my Scriptural references and InterVarsity material.
Throwing out the old to make room for the new.
As I added my last stack of fund development cards and closed the drawer, I could tangibly see that. Over the past several years, Jesus had one-by-one been removing my past and working on my heart to make room for this new life.
To make room for Him.
My room? Still pretty cluttered. My heart? Still pretty messy.
But there's a pathway through my room now. And I don't have to be afraid of twisting my ankle. A pathway that leads me right to my King.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Your Presence
Twice in the past twenty four hours I have felt the presence of God around me like never before. Last night I was laying in my bed, reading a book about a missionary, and all of a sudden the air felt thick with His presence. Jesus was there. I knew it.
I was afraid to move, unsure if it would cause this intimate interaction with Him to break. I averted my gaze from the pages of my book and looked around my room. Physically I couldn't see Him, but it felt like His Spirit was completely enveloping me.
And then today as I was praying out loud in the same spot on my bed where I encountered Him last night, I felt Him again. It wasn't as strong of a sixth sense as it had been the previous night, but this time I heard answers to my prayers. I literally sat on my bed conversing with Jesus. I didn't hear an audible voice, but words were being spoken to me--something that I realize sounds strange but I don't know how else to explain it. I've only ever really heard Jesus in this way a few times before and most of those times were with really big decisions. This conversation wasn't about a big decision. I was simply feeling tempted by my flesh and He responded to my cries for help.
About a week ago, I felt attacked by the enemy and in a helpless spiritual state. Chains needed to be broken. Action needed to be taken. But I was afraid to move.
You see, it's easy to become stagnant in certain areas of your walk. Not wanting to give over that (be it time, energy, a specific sin, etc). Wanting the road to always be "easy." Never wanting to engage in battle. But the truth is, it's impossible to progress if something is stagnant. Actually I would argue that stagnancy isn't even actually possible. If you feel stuck in the day-to-day, I would argue that you are moving backwards. You are either drawing closer to God or farther from Him. Living in a sinful world, it's impossible to just stay the same.
Additionally, the more I took steps toward these battle-lines of ministry that I now find myself in, the more the enemy made it his objective to take me out.
After many conversations (with friends and with Jesus) and many tears, I finally broke. I finally gave in to Him. I finally started wrestling with my sin from a place of victory instead of a place of uncertainty (1 Corinthians 15:57; 2 Peter 1:3).
I finally started taking seriously my spiritual disciplines and carving out multiple devotional times a day. I started taking seriously the way that the world affects me and have been averting my attention from particular sensory input that my brain receives throughout the day.
And let me tell you friends, it has made all the difference.
I believe that because I've allowed myself to be diligent in spending time with Jesus this week, I was able to be in-tune to the Spirit like I have never been before. I'm not special or important. Jesus didn't reveal Himself clearly to me twice in the past 24 hours because I'm a saint (trust me, I'm far from one).
The reality is, He's always been there. I just had chosen to ignore Him most of the time. I've been known to not give Him the hang out time that He deserves and to allow one too many things to slide into what I permit to infect my mind. As soon as I started to engage in that battle and fight the input that I was receiving from the world... as soon as I started to truly give time to spending with Jesus... the cloud that the world had put around my senses was lifted.
And I was free to feel Him and hear from Him.
Lesson learned: Don't ever think that I "have it under control" for a week and can go a few days without allotting any time for Jesus.
He is Lord. And He wants to spend time with me each day. And He will do whatever it takes to bring me back to Him when He sees me going in my own direction. He pursues me even when I don't pursue Him.
Talk about amazing grace.
I was afraid to move, unsure if it would cause this intimate interaction with Him to break. I averted my gaze from the pages of my book and looked around my room. Physically I couldn't see Him, but it felt like His Spirit was completely enveloping me.
And then today as I was praying out loud in the same spot on my bed where I encountered Him last night, I felt Him again. It wasn't as strong of a sixth sense as it had been the previous night, but this time I heard answers to my prayers. I literally sat on my bed conversing with Jesus. I didn't hear an audible voice, but words were being spoken to me--something that I realize sounds strange but I don't know how else to explain it. I've only ever really heard Jesus in this way a few times before and most of those times were with really big decisions. This conversation wasn't about a big decision. I was simply feeling tempted by my flesh and He responded to my cries for help.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
About a week ago, I felt attacked by the enemy and in a helpless spiritual state. Chains needed to be broken. Action needed to be taken. But I was afraid to move.
You see, it's easy to become stagnant in certain areas of your walk. Not wanting to give over that (be it time, energy, a specific sin, etc). Wanting the road to always be "easy." Never wanting to engage in battle. But the truth is, it's impossible to progress if something is stagnant. Actually I would argue that stagnancy isn't even actually possible. If you feel stuck in the day-to-day, I would argue that you are moving backwards. You are either drawing closer to God or farther from Him. Living in a sinful world, it's impossible to just stay the same.
Additionally, the more I took steps toward these battle-lines of ministry that I now find myself in, the more the enemy made it his objective to take me out.
After many conversations (with friends and with Jesus) and many tears, I finally broke. I finally gave in to Him. I finally started wrestling with my sin from a place of victory instead of a place of uncertainty (1 Corinthians 15:57; 2 Peter 1:3).
I finally started taking seriously my spiritual disciplines and carving out multiple devotional times a day. I started taking seriously the way that the world affects me and have been averting my attention from particular sensory input that my brain receives throughout the day.
And let me tell you friends, it has made all the difference.
I believe that because I've allowed myself to be diligent in spending time with Jesus this week, I was able to be in-tune to the Spirit like I have never been before. I'm not special or important. Jesus didn't reveal Himself clearly to me twice in the past 24 hours because I'm a saint (trust me, I'm far from one).
The reality is, He's always been there. I just had chosen to ignore Him most of the time. I've been known to not give Him the hang out time that He deserves and to allow one too many things to slide into what I permit to infect my mind. As soon as I started to engage in that battle and fight the input that I was receiving from the world... as soon as I started to truly give time to spending with Jesus... the cloud that the world had put around my senses was lifted.
And I was free to feel Him and hear from Him.
Lesson learned: Don't ever think that I "have it under control" for a week and can go a few days without allotting any time for Jesus.
He is Lord. And He wants to spend time with me each day. And He will do whatever it takes to bring me back to Him when He sees me going in my own direction. He pursues me even when I don't pursue Him.
Talk about amazing grace.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
I breathe You in
I lay still in this open room.
I breathe in.
And out.
Slowly,
Deeply.
Eyes closed.
I breathe You in, God.
Because You surround me.
This air is light.
It has become so
natural
without the humdrum of
normal.
Laying down these swords that fight the battles.
For now,
For today,
I will lay here.
(Still.)
With You.
For now,
For today,
I will breathe out the aroma of war,
And breathe in You.
As You fill me up to send me out.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)