Passion 2012 Video

link to some footage I put together from Passion 2012 -- some hilarious parts and some serious parts.

I love these people <3

Passion 2012 Video - Click Here!

holla.

unseen growth

I don't think it's until I'm with old friends whom I haven't seen in awhile that I realize how far Jesus has grown me.

As I weave in and out of busy days,

As I experience frustrations,

     and the sorrowful (but exciting) transition of graduating college,

As I feel irritated and tired by mundane schedules,

     and my mind goes from big picture to small details,

I don't feel growth.

Sometimes I doubt growth.

Sometimes I wonder if I've taken steps back.

But when I can zoom out for a few hours,

When I can reflect on how

     different

          my conversations are with the same people
               I used to speak to so regularly three years ago.

(Even so different than those conversations two years ago.)

Different content,

   Different tone,

      Different feeling,

         Different meaning.

                  Full of Spirit.

I'm reminded that I never did get off this train.

The journey just continues

       and I unknowingly am

                                changed.

As I learn more about Him and His Truths,

As I continue to know Him in deeper ways,

And fall more in love with Jesus,

I find that...

I have become more like Him.

                  (Philippeans 1:6)

this heart of mine

As I sit here, still, in the silence of this empty house,

     I feel my heart soften.

As I sit here, not sure if I'm content with my current situation,

Not sure if I feel anger toward You or just a general deep sadness,

     I feel a tenderness grow inside of me.

I rest assured in Your presence,

     Your promises,

     Your Truth.

This heart that used to be so prone to turning to stone,

     You have molded into soft clay,

And I embrace the Hands that knead me,

     Finally understanding that it is this which keeps me from

          Blowing up

               In the fire.

My mind reaches for words to describe,

     My heart for an emotion to accurately portray,

This mix between

     Joy and sorrow,

     Yearning and contentment,

     Waiting and being active,

Confuses even me.

As I embody opposing emotions that

(somehow)

     Coexist.

And regardless of my temporary discontent, I am

     Melting,

          In Your presence.

Feeling Your Spirit every second.

As I sit here, still, in the silence of this empty house,

     I feel my heart soften.

Basileia

Saranac Lake -- YoungLife Camp

I am finally home for the summer.  Home for the next year.  Rockbridge, graduation, and Basileia are over and I can take a few days to process these transitions.

At Basileia, the main session talks were on Joshua.  The students learned over and over that God handed Joshua the promised land but that he had to first take a step of faith out into it, even when circumstances were frightening.  These words spoke just as strongly into my own heart.

At Basileia I learned that this is the land the Lord has given me for this next year.  He wants me at TCNJ and I have to take that step and claim it, no matter how scary that seems right now or how much it seems that life would be easier to be back in familiar territory.

At Basileia my career in college ministry was confirmed for me as I grew to adore the students in my small group and watched as Jesus stretched them and grew them over the course of the week.  I realized that I am right where I'm supposed to be.

At Basileia I watched in awe how Jesus answered my prayers one right after the other.  Whether it was on making friends, getting sleep, or finding the right words to say to the students, He blessed me every time.

This is my life now.  I am jumping for joy and yearning for September when I can be on campus and meeting students.  I am waiting in anticipation for this next year and grateful that I will be able to learn and train under such a rockstar staff worker.  And I am also mourning the end of college.  Missing Fredericksburg, my friends, and the campus (and region) that I know inside and out.  It's hard on this extrovert's heart to know that ALL of my best friends live 4-12 hours away.  On top of moving away from familiarity, it's frustrating that I have to live in my dad's house again after being on my own for four years.  These emotions are up and down and I can feel them simultaneously bubbling inside of me. 

Here we go.  Step of faith.  The Lord is inviting me into the work He is doing on TCNJ's campus and that is worth stepping for.  That is worth fighting these mixed up emotions for.

Joshua 1:9-- "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Next Chapter

The past few weeks have been a blur of activity-- going from VPA to finals week to Rockbridge to graduation to packing up and coming back to New Jersey and then to training for my new part-time job as a bookkeeper in my church office.  I had maybe half a day in between each activity to "process," which basically means I have not processed anything yet at all.

It just feels like spring break.  It feels like I will be going back to Virginia soon.  It feels like I will be in the classroom learning again, sleeping in my favorite apartment, living walking distance from my best friends, being fed and feeding others as an InterVarsity student, and being able to go on morning runs through my favorite part of downtown Fredericksburg.

But it's over.
I am a college graduate.
An alumna of the University of Mary Washington.
Holding a bachelors degree and knowledge of psychology and biology.

Whuddup college degree?!

We're GRADS?! What?!

I am now a resident once again of New Jersey.
My church is no longer Common Ground, but Calvary Chapel.
My closest friends live hours and hours away.
My primary occupation is not a college student but an intern/volunteer for InterVarsity Staff.

Actually, I leave for an InterVarsity retreat to Basileia (like Rockbridge, for my Blue Ridge Region friends) on Friday.  My first week home and I'm already getting my feet wet for my two news jobs:  church bookkeeper and IV intern.  I am walking out of being a student and walking right into life in the real world.  Whatever that means.

This all doesn't feel real.

I am so blessed to be able to be in these two positions--especially week one after graduation.  With the job market being rather lousy, it really is humbling to see how the Lord opened up doors for me.  I am so excited for getting to know students in NJCF (the InterVarsity chapter at TCNJ) and to make friends on staff in this new region next week at Basileia.  I'm eager to get plugged back in at my church here in New Jersey and to rekindle high school and summer friendships.

Really, I am SO excited.

But it's still WEIRD.  And surreal.  The strangest thing was when I texted my friend Joanna the other day--who is the Encounter (what NJCF calls large group--again for those of my Mary Wash friends reading this) Coordinator for NJCF and said, "Praying for our chapter as you guys are figuring out the vision at Basileia this week!"

Our chapter.
Not her chapter, or their chapter, or your chapter.
OUR chapter.

UMW is no longer my current chapter.  TCNJ is now where my mission field is.  The campus where I will pour into people has officially changed.

Wow. Crazy.
I am excited and thrilled.  Impatiently waiting for school to start up again so that I can meet students.  Moved deeply by the fact that Jesus is choosing to use me here for His glory.  Scared and intimidated that I won't be able to do these new roles; worried that I'll fail at being something other than a student.  Sad to leave friends behind.  Still a bit angry that I'm living under my dad's roof again.  Dreading unpacking and sifting through all of my childhood items that are currently filling my room.

I am feeling every emotion at once.
The result?  Numbness.

I need to keep telling myself that college is over or else it will never feel real.  I need to believe the reality that my life is changed.  I am an adult.  A graduate.

The first page of the new chapter starts now.

honesty is the best policy.

Last night while I was out celebrating graduation with some friends (seriously I've been using the excuse of yogo--you only graduate once--to let my life be in a constant state of celebration haha) I said the geekiest thing ever that summed up me being a psychology nerd and a Jesus freak.

"Guys I had a dream the other night that the rapture happened and I got left behind.  Maybe I had this dream because I was in REM sleep and when you are in REM sleep your brain paralyzes your body so I was unable to be lifted up with everyone else into heaven."

My friend Robert laughed and my friend Kyle just looked at me blankly and said, "That was seriously the most nerdy thing I have EVER heard."

But the reality is that I had that dream because I've had a few days lately where I have been questioning my own salvation.  Last night I was woken up by a thunder storm and I thought, "Oh my goodness it's happening.  Jesus is coming back and I'm not going to go."  (Seriously I  then proceeded to continuously shine my cell phone light on my roommate to make sure she was still there.  Paranoid, much?)  Or I've thought, "I could very well die right now and I just don't know if I am going to heaven."  And I've even had thoughts of "Sometimes, Jesus, I get sick of disciplines and following You and I just want to do life my own way."

After much prayer I know that my thoughts were just me being ridiculous and perhaps a bit of a spiritual warfare.  Because Scripture tells me His blood covers ALL of my sins, regardless of what they may be.  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith —and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. (Ephesians 2:8-9)

Most importantly, I know that Isaiah 54:10 spoke so much Truth into my heart yesterday:
Though the mountains be shaken
    and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
    nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
    says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

Even if I stumble and fall and push Jesus away at times, He still loves me.  This covenant will never be removed.


But I was very caught up in the fact that I felt stuck in a period of carelessness.  I was pushing myself away from God and fellowship and reading His Word.  I just didn't care.  And what scared me the most was the fact that I never heard about my friends questioning their salvation or being in seasons of carelessness, reinforcing my beliefs that maybe I go through these cycles because I'm not actually saved.


So I confessed these feelings to some friends yesterday and every single response was "I get in those phases frequently, too."  Why don't we ever talk about this?!  Guys.  We are a community.  We need to help each other.  We need to be honest when we're struggling because we can't fight these battles alone.  As a relatively new believer (it's been 2 1/2 years now) I had no idea that anyone else ever struggled with these thoughts because people don't talk about them and so it led me to thinking that something was wrong with me.  If we confess our sins and our doubts to each other we will realize that we are not so isolated or abnormal.

We are moving on in our lives and dispersing from Fredericksburg.  We need to remember the bonds between us.  We need to be honest in our times of joy and in our times of struggle.  We are built for community and we need to never forget that.