spiritual birthday

I called,
You answered.
And You came to my rescue,
And I wanna be where You are.
"Came to My Rescue" by Hillsong

When someone speaks of three years, I never perceive it as a long time--especially when I think of how quickly a summer or an academic year tends to fly by.

When someone speaks of three years, if we are looking into future plans it never seems that far away.

But when I think of what happened three years ago tonight, it feels like a lifetime ago.

Perhaps because it literally was a lifetime ago.

Three years ago tonight I opened a new journal, allowing the Author to begin writing my life on a fresh page.  I was washed clean as I allowed Jesus to fill my heart.  I became a new creation with one simple prayer. "God, if you exist then change my heart... because I don't want to live for You right now.  I don't want to change my lifestyle.  I don't even know if You're out there. But if You are, change me. Because I can't do it on my own."  Those were the only words that crossed my mind before heading back to my dorm that night.  I remember making a conscious decision that I would "try" the whole "not drinking thing" and see where it got me.  I can now laugh with the Lord about this statement I made to myself. Oh how nieve I was...

Though I didn't know it then, those were bold and life-changing words.  God answered that prayer and I was different from that moment on.  Yet, it took me a couple weeks with a lot of reading and several conversations to fully understand what was happening--to understand that I was a Christian now.  That I was saved.  That there was no going back after praying that prayer.  That the whole time I thought maybe I'd "try it out," what I really did was open by heart to Jesus--and that's not something I'll ever be able to reverse.  Ever.

Though I could not have articulated it that night, I know that September 1, 2009 is the night I received the Holy Spirit.  Something shifted inside of me.  Something that words can't describe.

It really was like I had lived my life blind and all of a sudden I could see.  I know that's really cliche to say, but there is really no better way to describe it.  All of a sudden I understood concepts that were confusing to me like grace and mercy.  I understood Scripture and looked forward to reading it.  Though still tempted, no part of me ever wanted to go back to the party scene.  All I wanted was Jesus.

Amazing grace,

How sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost, but now I'm found.

Was blind but now I see.

Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,

And grace my fears relieved.

How precious did that grace appear,

The hour I first believed.

It still blows my mind that this night occurred three years ago.  Especially when I remember it took me a couple of weeks to comprehend what had happened and another four months to fully be able to grasp the Gospel at a cognitive level.  It blows my mind because I realize that three years is not a long time, but it feels like decades and decades ago.

I wrote this blog entry last year on my "second birthday" and I would say that my feelings are pretty much the same--except now it feels weirder that it's only been such a short time because I am a college grad, training in hopes to go on InterVarsity staff and to work in full-time ministry.  Tonight I was asked how it feels to be "three today" and my only thought was "weird" because that night seriously feels like it took place ages ago.  The amount of healing and redemption I've experienced... the places God's brought me out of and the rate at which He's growing me... it's literally jaw-dropping that it's only been three years.

I entered college as a broken, lost, rebellious teen and left it as a whole, found, redeemed missionary who is on fire for Jesus.

I didn't know it then, but this night I've been telling you about is when everything changed for me.  Nothing will ever ever ever be the same.

My entire life was radically transformed by the Gospel.

Forever I am changed.
     And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Jesus answered, "Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit.  Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit.  You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.'" (John 3:5-7)

"Spiritual Birthday" card that my dearest 8-year-old friend, Hope Downs, water-colored for me. :) love her.