Psalm 66

Today was a roll-out-of-bed kinda day.  I slept an hour past my alarm so showering was out of the question.  I threw on some leggings and an over-sized T-shirt, gulped down my coffee, and slung my bookbag over my shoulder.  I had to speed walk to my 9am--which is completely across campus--because I ran out of my apartment 5 minutes later than I usually aim for.  Funny what a difference 8:40am and 8:45am can be in the necessity of turning a stroll into a power walk.  I was zooming around people that were moving at a glacier pace, thinking of all the homework I didn't do over the weekend that I probably should have (I'm on top of my classes so don't worry--but usually I'm ahead, so when I'm not ahead I feel like a slacker).  I was headed to Jepson for my ecology class that I basically loath.  It's my only "not brain class" this semester and so it's just not my cup of tea.  I turned off of the sidewalk and directed myself down the trail of mulch that cuts through the grassy hill, leading students from College Ave to the science building.  I was wearing my no-traction Old Navy flip flops that cause me to wipe out more often than I'd like to admit when I realized half of the mulch on the trail was replaced with mud due to the month of rain we've been having.  It was more probable that I was going to fall down this hill than remain on my two feet.  By all accounts I had a less-than-perfect morning.

But I was in a great mood.  Not just a great mood... an elated mood.

Well this was unlike me.  I was trying to figure out why, after the semi-annoying morning I'd had I was smiling.  And that's when I realized that subconsciously, my entire morning was filled with my mind shouting, "I LOVE JESUS."

Shout with joy to God, all the earth!  Sing the glory of his name; make his praise glorious!  Say to God, "How awesome are your deeds!  So great is your power that your enemies cringe before you.  All the earth bows down to you; they sing praise to you, they sing praise to your name."  (Psalm 66:1-4)

This was the conversation I had in my head all morning--
Ugh I slept too late, ugly day it is.  But who cares?!  Jesus sure doesn't...
I didn't read all the articles I should have.  But that's okay because Jesus made sure I completed what was necessary for today.
Wow I'm tired... But at least I have time for coffee.  THANK YOU JESUSSSS FOR CREATING COFFEE.
I'm late for ecology.  But Jesus knew I'd be late today sooo it's in His plan for my day.
How am I going to share my testimony with people in my talk on the retreat on Friday?  It's not about where I've been, it's about who I am.  Jesus is healing me.  I don't want to be broken anymore.  Yes that is SO TRUE--I don't WANT to be broken!  I want Him to make me new and He is!  I will press on and set stricter boundaries in my life because I want to keep moving forward.  I want the freshmen on the retreat and in my small group to see how God can use someone like me, someone with my past.  He can use me in ministry by transforming me more into His Son.  It is all for His Glory and I hope they see that because I love them and want them to know that they can be used, regardless of where they are at now in their walks.  I love the girls in my small group... I especially love getting to know the new freshmen... (thoughts trailed off at this point while walking down College Ave).

Sarah & me with some girls in our small group!!! LOVE them.

In ecology we learned things that weren't all THAT interesting to me.  But I kept thinking about how the Lord truly works all things for our good.  How nature is so intricately designed for us to live here.

Come and see what God has done, how awesome his works in man's behalf!  He turned the sea into dry land, they passed through the waters on foot-- come, let us rejoice in him.  He rules forever by his power, his eyes watch the nations--let not the rebellious rise up against him.  (Psalm 66:5-7)

And then I realized... I DIDN'T FALL DOWN THE HILL!!  It was extremely likely that I was going to, especially with my clumsiness, but my feet remained planted on the ground.  Thank you, Jesus!!!

Praise our God, O peoples, let the sound of his praise be heard; he has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping.  For you, O God, tested us' you refined us like silver.  You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs.  You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance.  I will come to your temple with burnt offerings and fulfill my vows to you--vows my lips promised and my mouth spoke when I was in trouble.  I will sacrifice fat animals to you and an offering of rams; I will offer bulls and goats.  (Psalm 66:8-15)

When I got to biocognition I had an even greater morning.  My professor--whom I really look up to and really respect--read my quiz answers out load as an example of the "right answer" to both sections (so like... to 50 students).  I rarely am the smart kid in my college classes. And it felt so good to know that even when I think I'm behind in school, I can still have a grip on things.  Thank you Jesus for allowing me to find this academic material that I love learning about!  Thank you for giving me the brain capacity and the intelligence to be able to understand this difficult material!  I love learning about the brain because I love learning more and more about how wonderfully and intricately You've designed us to be.

When we got into a discussion on the mind-body problem I sat very content.  When this first came up in my classes a year ago I would leave furious that the professor would try to disprove Christianity.  But since then I've researched and prayed and felt satisfied with my stance on the issue.  Lord thank you for revealing to me that it is possible for me to follow Your Word and be a student of cognitive neuroscience.

Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me.  I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue.  If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer.  Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!  (Psalm 66:16-20)

Jesus performs miracles in our lives DAILY.  He will keep our feet planted on the ground, even when it seems most probable that we will fall.  I can only have academic achievements and impact people in InterVarsity and balance my chaotic schedule by the grace of God.  Jesus is working in me and using me for His Glory and THAT is something to keep me smiling, even when life seems less-than-perfect.

The Potter and the Clay

You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust.

These words echoed through my car as I sat waiting for my friend to get out of class.  I was picking her up for dinner and had ten minutes to sit and rest with Jesus.  Christian music blaring, I reflected on the chaos (emotional, spiritual, academic, work-related, time-related, etc) that had encompassed my life over the past few months.  More importantly, I reflected on the damage that I've continued to make in my relationship with Jesus.  Both Saturday and today I took steps back--both in different areas in my life.

It's so discouraging.  Why do I continue to mess up in the same ways?  Over.  And over.  And over.  And over again.  I need to get accountability, I thought.  I need to confess these things to people.  But I choose to keep it inside and fight the battle by myself.

Maybe that's it.  Sometimes I try to fight the battle by myself.  Jacob didn't get a name change by going through struggles alone.  He didn't become Israel by putting on some armor and bringing a sword to the mirror and slaying his reflection.  It is only when he wrestled with God that his identity changed (Genesis 32:22-32).  It is only when I invite Jesus into my wrestling matches will I overcome.

You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us.

The earth seemed to go silent except for that refrain reverberating through my Rav4.  It was then that I realized I was and am moving forward.  Even though I continue to fall it's always two steps forward and one step back, never the other way around.  Why?  Because I continue to make a conscious choice every day to invite Jesus into my struggles.  On my own, I would be either standing still or sliding backwards.  But with Christ, forward motion is the only possible motion.

...since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.  --Colossians 3:9b-10

"which is being renewed."

Not "which has been renewed."

Paul said "which is being renewed."

We are in the process of being renewed.  I read this in Scripture a lot.  I hear this in sermons a lot.  Friends tell me this a lot.  But I finally understand.  We are moving forward if we make a daily choice to wrestle with Christ.  Always.  Even if at a glacier pace, it is a forward motion.

I thought about the areas of my life that I have made obvious progression in and smiled.  Thank You, Lord, for removing those strongholds completely (or almost completely, depending on which ones we're talking about).  And if I really look at the areas that I continue to fall in (too) frequently and stretch them out over a timeline, I can see that I am improving.  These areas are difficult because they aren't just this habitual sin pattern.  They start from a deep point of brokenness that needs healing.  On the outside they look simple (just stop the actions, right?), but on the inside it is years and years of warped perceptions and pain to sort through.  I can see by this stretched timeline that not only has Christ been helping me overcome these strongholds by making my sin less frequent, but He's been doing a mighty work under the surface, as well.  Even though I can see that we still have a longgg way to go.


Jesus doesn't just smooth out the rough edges, He puts the clay back on the wheel and reconstructs it from the inside out.

Isaiah 64:8

Yes He keeps the same clay; He uses ME-- He doesn't pick up new clay and start from scratch.  But He reshapes everything there is about the old me.  In ceramics if you have a defective molding, you have to put it back on the wheel and try the whole thing again.  You can't just smooth out the rough edges if the inside is messed up because even something as small as an air bubble will cause it to blow up in the kiln.  This takes time.

And so I need to be patient while the Lord is reshaping me.  I can't get frustrated when it doesn't happen overnight.  I will rejoice in the progress that I see He is making in me and continue to invite Him into my struggles.  The more I invite Jesus in, the faster my remodeling will be done.

I rested in the end of the song, smiling that I never have to fear sliding backwards as long as I'm walking with Christ.

You make me new, You are making me new.

2 Years Old Today

Two years ago tonight I asked Jesus to change my heart and decided to give my life to Him.  I didn't really know what it meant to follow Him, but I asked Him to work with me while I tried to figure it out.  Up until that night I had spent the majority of my life miserable.  My facebook status that I had posted on this morning two years ago was actually, "worst mood ever lately."  I was LOST.  I was about ready to give up.  I was actually seriously considering dropping out of college that  morning when I posted that status, probably an indication of the suicidal point I had reached.

My blog entry two nights after I asked Christ to help me change was simple.  It was a prayer that stemmed from the first large group talk of the semester, which had occurred just five days before I gave it all to God.  I had spent the prior 6 months hearing the Gospel and had to pick a side:  for it or against it.  I couldn't stand on this middle, lukewarm ground anymore.  I needed to either be all in or walk away.  And I knew that previously in life, without living for Christ, I was emo and "darkness" (as my high school friends called me by name) and hated life.  I knew that whatever life I had been choosing to live just wasn't working.  My blog read:  "I've been here for about two weeks.  A week ago today someone challenged me in a way I didn't think anyone ever would. Now, I realize that I have been living 19 years in a way that I don't want to live. I want to learn to live in a new light. Please, teach me.  Funny how one person can say one thing that can completely changes your outlook on life... possibly forever."

The next entry in my old blog began with this paragraph: "Three weeks ago today I made the decision to stop living for myself.  I have been so much happier. I've had friends come up to me, even ones that I wasn't as close with last year and say, 'Alyssa, I've known you for a year and I have NEVER seen you this happy.' I've had people on more than one occasion ask me if I'm drunk because I'll be so... giddy (which you all know is so unlike me). I have a feeling that if people who have only known me for a year see a change, my friends at home definitely should. And if not then I guess they don't know me that well to begin with."

Photo at the fall retreat with the people that helped lead me to Christ (yay IV!) This was taken around the same time as the second blog post that I quoted.

That still holds true in my life.  I've been so joyous the past two years that I was shocked when I even read that old blog entry.  Sometimes I forget that I even was "darkness."  Sometimes the dark parts don't even seem like a part of my life--they feel like a movie I once watched--because they are so opposite of my current life:  the life I live for Christ.  I truly am a new creation. 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! -- 2 Corinthians 5:17

And tonight, on the anniversary of my "second birthday" I was at my first large group as InterVarsity Chapter President.  I was worshiping Jesus and praising Him for the radical (and almost unbelievable) work He did--and continues to do--in my life.

 It really is almost unbelievable--sometimes my testimony even astonishes me.  No one, including myself, would have thought two years ago today that I would one day be on leadership, let alone be making arrangements to apply for ministry positions for post-graduation.  I didn't just used to be a crazy, party girl (which was also true...) but I was damaged... I mean years and years of layered psychological damage.  I truly am a new creation.

As Lecrae would say in two of his songs...

But I ain't fixed myself, ain't turn myself around.  I gave it up and told the Lord that He could have it now.

Yeah a new swag, new walk, new focus. It's all Christ, not me, no boastin.

And so I entered large group tonight as the new creation that I am-- transformed and redeemed.  Sometimes I feel inadequate as Chapter President.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm even supposed to be in this position.  I wonder if I'm even helping out the Kingdom.

But in times when I'm doubting God's ability to work through me I have to remember John 15:16--  You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.

Christ chose me and pursued me until I gave my life to Him because He loves me.  Because He has a purpose for my life and that purpose is good and for His glory.

So Lord thank You for saving me.  Thank You for redeeming me.  Thank You for loving me and forgiving me despite the terrible things I've done, continue to do, and will do in the future.  And please help me to bear fruit that will last this year as Chapter President.  Help me to spread the Gospel to my campus.  Because I want everyone to know You like I do.  I want everyone's lives to be as radically transformed as mine was.

Lamentations 3:19-21 is seriously my life in a nutshell:  I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.  I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope.

I remember how lost I was for 19 years and it saddens me when I read old journal entries or see the scars that still linger on my wrists.  But I will rejoice when these reminders are brought to my attention because it reminds me of the miracle that Christ has worked in my life.  And I have hope that I will not only continue to progress in my walk with Him, but I also have hope that I will see my friends' and family's lives changed.  The Lord has the power to change anyone's heart.  I have hope that my campus will one day come to know Him.


Jesus... I just love You.

Torn

It's sort of strange to describe my life right now.  I feel in such an in-between state.  So many changes are going on around me' it's hard to keep up with them all.  For starters, I dyed my hair dark (like, dark, dark) brown the day I left for Virginia.  Please note that I've been a blonde my entire life.  I like the color, and my friends have told me they're already used to it.  But I'm not.  I mean, I only see myself 5 or 6 times a day (or how ever often I look in the mirror), whereas they see me whenever they're in the same room as me.  So when I see my reflection I'm still in a state of shock.  This isn't me... or... it's not who I'm used to seeing anyway...

Since being in Virginia, I've experienced an aftershock from the earthquake (that apparently was a four-point-something), a nasty thunderstorm that was unrelated to the hurricane (which of course entailed lightening striking a transformer and knocking out power in the entire city of Fredericksburg for hours), and am currently in the middle of Hurricane Irene.  If you know me at all, you'd know that I'm deathly afraid of weather--thunderstorms, snowstorms, tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, you name it (thank you, Mom, for rubbing that off onto me...).  But I've never experienced natural disasters personally and all of a sudden we're getting hit at all angles.  There's even a tornado warning in my home town.  So I've been feeling very jumpy and frantic inside.  Always on the alert.  Mind racing.  This isn't me... or... it's not how I'm used to feeling anyway.

The leadership retreat was today and yesterday.  It was really good and really awesome and I feel satisfied with what was accomplished--even though it was cut a bit shorter than I would have liked due to the hurricane.  But because I didn't sleep home last night, my apartment isn't fully decorated yet.  And I'm out of 3M strips and storage containers.  So I'm waiting for the hurricane to end so that I can run out to Walmart and get more.  Until then I cannot finish the final nitty-gritty details of unpacking and I'm semi-living out of boxes.  I don't feel quiet at home here (yet).  Speaking of not feeling at home here... I don't know where I feel at home.  There have been some points over the past few days where I am so happy to be in Virginia.  I've missed all of my friends and the greatness of Fredericksburg (I really do love this town).  I've been happy to be away from working that 8:30-5:30 day and finally having hot water to shower in.  I loved the leadership retreat because it got all of us so excited for this coming year.  And our group dynamics were so great.  It just made me super ecstatic all over again to be able to serve our chapter and our campus with these wonderful friends.  But sometimes I really miss Jersey.  I miss my church and my friends there and the people who have had such strong Christian influences in my life this summer.  I miss my lifeguarding job.  I miss feeling loved by a family.  And tomorrow I will miss the 20 Something bible study.  Last night at the leadership retreat we watched the movie To Save A Life and someone commented that we, as Christians, don't talk about God enough in our relationships with one another even though we have good, wholesome fun.  All I kept thinking about was, "But I do talk about the Lord frequently with my friends at home.  Regardless of if it is in the midst of our laughter or our tears we are always bringing it back to Him, praising Jesus for the work He's doing in our lives.  Why aren't my relationships here as rooted?  I've known these people longer than most of my home church friends and yet we tend to be so surfacy.  Something's not right..."  It's not like my relationships are home are always so serious and "feeling-sharing," but we understand the dynamics of having Christ-centered relationships.  Even if we're joking and laughing, the Lord is involved.  So I miss my life at home, I really do.  And I haven't missed home in a full two years.  But at the same time, I don't want to leave Fredericksburg.  My heart is here on this campus, with this InterVarsity chapter, with these peers and professors, and in this town.  My life seriously seems divided.  I don't know where I yearn to be more:  Fredericksburg or Ewing.  But I do know that to not be in either place feels like a sword is driven through my heart.  I ache to just have my two lives meshed into one.  This isn't me... or... this isn't what I'm used to saying anyway.

And then I feel pulled in two directions in another way, as well--between InterVarsity and my academics.  I keep forgetting that I'm here for school and not for IV.  I keep forgetting that come three days I will be sitting in class (I actually already have massive amounts of reading to do for my 491 Team).  I keep forgetting that all the things I have planned to do for the leadership team and for the chapter will become overwhelming once classes begin.  I just want to do InterVarsity--all day every day!  It's all I've been prepping for this summer and I just want to hit the ground running and keep going full speed all year, which isn't a reality for someone who is in the science department at UMW.  And I just sometimes want to forget my classes and focus on IV.  But then I get together with my psychology friends and I feel so excited to learn (in my psych classes anyway... biology is always another issue...).  And I wonder why I'm not just going to grad school for biopsychology right away after undergrad.  I wonder why I didn't just take the GREs this summer.  I wonder if I made the right choice when I made up my mind about going into ministry.  I feel in the middle of InterVarsity and psychology and I wonder how I'm going to do both this year.  Because right now with the work that each requires it seems like I need to pick one to focus on.  I'm usually so good at multitasking.  This isn't me... or... this isn't the great time-manager that I'm used to being.

I feel like I'm looking at my life from the outside right now.  I'm watching everything happen like it's a movie and some strange girl with brown hair is playing my character.  It really, really doesn't feel like my life.  The mix of the natural disasters with the homesickness and seeing myself question if I'll actually be able to handle my senior classes AND be chapter president-- these are such foreign feelings to me.  This isn't me...

Who am I?  Right now I'm some brunette chick that's fearing for her life and belongings during this hurricane.  Whose heart feels torn between Virginia and New Jersey, InterVarsity and psychology.

I need to just trust that Jesus is going to get me through this year and allow me to love every moment of senior year.  That He will not only provide me with the environment and time to learn all of the things in school that I love learning, but that I will work hard and make a difference in the world of research on my 491 Team (just like my team did last year for physio psych).  And that despite me working hard in school, He will provide ample time for me to give to my InterVarsity jobs, the wisdom to delegate the responsibilities to the rest of leadership (so that I'm not doing it all on my own, as I tend to do...), and the Holy Spirit to impact the campus with His Word.  And that when second semester rolls around and I need to choose a location to make my post-grad home (Virginia vs. New Jersey), He will reveal that place to me, regardless of the loving persuasions of people on either side.

You Make Me Sing

So many people have been dying lately.  It seems that in the past three weeks, I keep getting phone calls and emails and texts with similar sad news.  People in my family... in friends' families... it's been crazy.  Last week my great aunt, who was much like a grandmother to me, passed away.  The hardest blow though was the text I received from my dad this morning.  In it he told me that last night, my cousin Patrick (who was my age) died in a freak electricity accident.

Ever since I was in the seventh grade, about one or two people from my family have died every year.  You would think this would make me immune to the sting.  You would think that I would be so used to the processes of death that it wouldn't really bother me.  But this is one thing that will never get easier with "practice."

After the initial shock of this morning's text (which occurred of course while I was nannying and couldn't really react) and a long time spent in prayer and talking to some family, I collected my emotions.  After I felt settled, I realized that my immediate thought (after screaming "WHATTT?! NO WAY." in my head... probably with my eyes bugging out of my head as I read the text over and over to make sure I wasn't misinterpreting it) was, "But, Lord, I know that You are so good."

I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. --Psalm 104:33

What??? Could this be???  THE LORD HAS GROWN ME.

My immediate reaction was to praise the Lord.  Literally I kept thinking in my head how there were probably so many members of my family questioning God (His goodness, His mercy, or maybe even His existence), yet all I kept thinking was, "But how could any of them not see that He is good?!"  I'm not sure where Pat stood with the Lord because we never really had a conversation about it.  But I do know that the reason why my cousin even has a chance of being in heaven right now is because Jesus died for him.  Without Jesus bridging the gap, all of us sinners would never even have the hope of approaching the Father with confidence (Ephesians 3:12).  We can rejoice in death because of Christ.  GOD. IS. SO. GOOD.  Yes, the sting of hearing about my loved ones dying still hurts.  But God is growing me in the fact that through the hurt and the pain all I can see is God's grace and love and I want to jump for joy in praise (Job 1:21).

In the past few weeks, each time I've learned of another person passing I hear the Lord reiterate to me, "Alyssa, this isn't a joke."  Too often in my life I play around with sin because I don't "think it will do much damage."  But really I'm just playing around with fire.  It's not about easing out of things.  It's about dropping sinful behaviors cold turkey.  It's about giving your entire self to the Lord.  This life we have isn't a joke.  We think we have all the time in the world, but we don't.  We think they are our own lives to mess with when really, we were born to worship Jesus.  We were bought at a price.  We need to live each moment of it giving Glory to the Lord.  If we want our friends and family to see Him in us, we need to stop playing around in the "one day I'll get it right" mindset.  The. Time. Is. Now.

The Gospel?  It's easy.  Jesus died for you.  And you just need to trust in that and tell Him that you want to be made new and He will do the rest.  Don't worry about getting it all "figured out" and just take the plunge.  This plunge will cause you to soar higher than you've ever soared before.  This plunge will cause you to rejoice in times of mourning.  We don't have as much time as we think we do, friends.  The call is urgent.  The call is to Christ.

Answered Prayer

Saturday was my first day off from work in 20 days.  Though I had an extremely long and busy morning going school shopping with some family, the Lord provided me with an extremely peaceful afternoon.  I was house-sitting at the Downs and so it was just me and Clancy (the dog).  I knocked some homework and emails out of the way and spent the rest of the evening with the Lord.  No one was around to interrupt--I had an entire empty house to sort out the whirlwind that had become my life (see previous entry here).  At one point I even got on a raft and floated around in the pool, praying out loud.  For an hour.  If anyone saw me they probably would have thought I was on something hahaha.  But I just took everything to the Lord.  All of my doubts and fears and sins and excitement and uncertainty and sadness and joyfulness--I gave it all to Him.  And after I did all the talking I could manage, I just laid on the raft, eyes closed, drifting all around.  I needed to just be still before Him (Psalm 46:10)--something that I don't seem to do enough in the midst of my busy life.  I rested in His presence until I was sure that a storm was about to strike and hurried myself inside.  I felt so much better, so rejuvenated, by just being still before Him.  On Sunday I was called out of work because of the massive thunderstorm (another day of rest given to me by God).  I sat for another hour or so in the quietness of the porch, listening to the rain fall.  Again I just felt at ease.  The stresses of life seemed to float on by me.

I've been struggling with a few things for a very long time and generally only bring it to Him "when I feel like it." (What does that even mean anyway?  Shouldn't I ALWAYS be bringing to Him?  But more often than I'd like to admit I try to handle things myself...)  I realized that sometimes I doubt that the Lord can fix my problems.  I doubt that He can take away my temptations or change my heart in the lifelong battles I've been fighting.  But He can (Jeremiah 32:27) and wants to actively make me more like His Son.  "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still" (Exodus 14:14).

When we give our problems to Him and stop trying to fix them on our own, He will move in great ways.  We just need to sit and wait and be still.  He wants to fix us.  He's fighting for us.  He's fighting for me.

Well there's a concept that I don't try often enough:  BEING STILL BEFORE HIM.

I'm now waiting for God to show me a sign for a very important decision in my life.  It's frustrating me that He hasn't already made it clear to me (or maybe He has and I've just been blind to it?  Always a possibility...).  But I just need to wait and be still and trust that He will see it through.  He will cause me to pick the right choice.  He is working in my life and won't let go of the plans He has for me.  Jesus taught me first hand this whole "being still" concept just two days before the stresses of not knowing this decision began to really sink in.  The Lord's timing is always perfect...
 
Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.  The LORD works out everything to its proper end. --Proverbs 16:3-4a

On the Go

go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. go. this has been my life the past two months.

I'm on "the go" so much that there is a mesh of emotions swirling around in me.  It's as if someone pressed the start button on the blender of my life and they keep adding circumstances and responsibilities and feelings and struggles... forgetting to turn it off and let it settle in between adding ingredients.  So nothing gets sorted out, nothing gets dealt with.  And I feel my patience wearing thin.  I feel myself waking up and going to bed exhausted 7 days a week.  I feel myself ready to break down.  But I don't have time to deal with it.  I haven't even had time to have the prayer life that I had been so consistent in.  And without taking it to God everything has just gotten worse.  The blender is spinning, spinning, spinning.

I've lost control.

About five minutes ago I received an email from InterVarsity and upon opening it, the one thought that kept flashing through my mind was, "Oh no."  Panic was beginning to strike.  I couldn't even read the email.  I got the general gist of it and forwarded it to our new staff worker because they sent it to our old one by mistake.  That's literally all I could do.  I couldn't read it because I couldn't comprehend the words.  Though the lack of an ability to read may have been due to exhaustion, I know it was mainly due to the fact that I suddenly jumped into freak-out mode.  I can't do this.  I can't lead a chapter.  I'm not ready.  This summer went by way too fast; there is still so much I need to do before this year starts.  I'm moving into my apartment two weeks from today and I still have so many logistical things to do before I'm ready for IV to start.  I'm not where I wanted to be in my summer IV to-do list.

My heart isn't where I wanted it to be.

I had the idea in my head that I was going to clean out my heart this summer.  Take a leaf blower and just get rid of all the junk.  I knew I'd still enter the school year with struggles and trials, I mean none of us can ever be perfect.  But I wanted Jesus to work some miracles on me and just lift everything off of me before I stepped into this position.  I wanted my strongholds to be broken.  I barely feel like a dent was made on my heart's purifying process.  If anything, God showed me more areas of my heart that need cleaning.

I'm sure The Housekeeper has done a ton of dirty work this summer, even if I can't see it.  And I know that through the mess God can still use me to lead, just like He used Jacob in his imperfections (Genesis 25-35).  It is just sometimes so hard for me to see that when I feel so lazy and sinful and careless.

And broken.

Lord please cleanse my heart in the next two weeks, even in the midst of me being on "the go."  Help me press the stop button on this blender and sort out all the little pieces that are now ripped to shreds.  I want to grab onto the promises You have for me and cling to them, rather than let the current of the blender--the ways of this world--break me more and more apart.  Help me bring this mush to solid again.  I want to be solid and whole again.  I want to be more like Christ.