i make war

I am at war with myself a lot of the time.  (Romans 7:14-25 all the way.)

I have moments when I am exactly in step with the Spirit and feelin great.  But I also find myself in moments when the Spirit and my flesh want to deuce it out.  In those times I literally shut my eyes and imagine myself fist-fighting a mirror image of me.  This war raging inside of me.  Wanting to burst forth like a human cannon.  I feel like an invisible force is shoving me around as I  knock to-and-fro screaming "But it would just be easier if I gave in.  I WANT to give in."  and then screaming back, "But you KNOW you don't actually want to.  It's not glorifying to God and He should be your ONLY desire."

This battlefield has it's quiet nights, but oh does it boom fiercely on those attacking days.

My Christian walk thus far has been a gradual increase of getting better at fighting those sinful desires.  And certain areas I feel almost completely redeemed in, praise the Lord.  But there's always been a few target areas that hurt my heart to the core because of the greatness of the battle inside.  A few areas that--while it has been an incline--the process has been a slow and frustrating one.

But today I resisted.  I kept myself occupied.  Admitted to others I was struggling.  Turned off the music when I could feel it starting to shift my thoughts farther from Jesus.  Put my phone away when I didn't trust myself with it.

...wrote this blog as a distraction for myself.

Today I made war. (listen to this song)  I didn't just let my sinful nature push me around.  I fought.  With Him.  And we won.

Spirit > Flesh

Today Jesus helped me win this battle, though the war still wages on inside of my mind.

this rock

We live in a broken world where really difficult things happen.  But in the midst of any chaos or heartache or pain, my world is not shaken.

Jesus says in Matthew 7:24-27, "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

Jesus, You are my strength and through You I can do anything.  You are good and sovereign and Your plan is perfect.  "One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard:  that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving." (Psalm 62:11-12a)

I am grateful that You've prepared me.  Grateful for Your timing--that chaos can ensue on the exact day that I closed the chapter from some old heartache and allowed healing to take place.  I am grateful for Your perfect plan and how You have chosen to put me in New Jersey (I see now that Blue Ridge was never going to happen).  I am grateful for the Godly people You have put in my life that care deeply for me--people that were there for me then and will be there for me again.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.  Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." (Psalm 62:5-8)

<3

22nd Birthday

22 years ago today my mother gave birth to me.

22 years ago today I came into the world.

But O Lord, my God, You knew me long before that.
     You loved me long before that.
     And You knew all of the plans You had for me long before that.

For you created my inmost being;
     you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
     your works are wonderful,
     I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
     when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
     your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
     were written in your book
     before one of them came to be.
--Psalm 139: 13-16

You've been carrying me for 22 years,
     and have been upholding me prior to that moment.
No matter the years that go by or the time, heartache, and joy that passes
     Jesus will be my sole (or soul? pun.) sustainer.
No matter the times I turn from Him, His grace carries me still.
     And rescues me from not only the evil forces that work against Him,
     but He rescues me from myself.
Jesus alone is my God.

For this is what the LORD says--
"Listen to me, O house of Jacob,
     all you who remain of the house of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
     and have carried since your birth.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
     I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
     I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
--Isaiah 45:18a, 46:3-4

So on this birthday I praise You.
On this birthday I acknowledge that it is only
     by Your grace that I can celebrate another year.

My birthday isn't a day to honor me.
It's a day to remember that I have a Maker Who put
     together all of the intricate workings of my body (and brain!)
It's a day to remember that the Maker of the universe also took the time
     to create me,
          and love me,
               and carry me.
It is for His glory that I was born,
     And by His grace that I was born-again.

Let this birthday be a testament to Jesus' grace.

Passion 2012 Video

link to some footage I put together from Passion 2012 -- some hilarious parts and some serious parts.

I love these people <3

Passion 2012 Video - Click Here!

holla.

unseen growth

I don't think it's until I'm with old friends whom I haven't seen in awhile that I realize how far Jesus has grown me.

As I weave in and out of busy days,

As I experience frustrations,

     and the sorrowful (but exciting) transition of graduating college,

As I feel irritated and tired by mundane schedules,

     and my mind goes from big picture to small details,

I don't feel growth.

Sometimes I doubt growth.

Sometimes I wonder if I've taken steps back.

But when I can zoom out for a few hours,

When I can reflect on how

     different

          my conversations are with the same people
               I used to speak to so regularly three years ago.

(Even so different than those conversations two years ago.)

Different content,

   Different tone,

      Different feeling,

         Different meaning.

                  Full of Spirit.

I'm reminded that I never did get off this train.

The journey just continues

       and I unknowingly am

                                changed.

As I learn more about Him and His Truths,

As I continue to know Him in deeper ways,

And fall more in love with Jesus,

I find that...

I have become more like Him.

                  (Philippeans 1:6)

this heart of mine

As I sit here, still, in the silence of this empty house,

     I feel my heart soften.

As I sit here, not sure if I'm content with my current situation,

Not sure if I feel anger toward You or just a general deep sadness,

     I feel a tenderness grow inside of me.

I rest assured in Your presence,

     Your promises,

     Your Truth.

This heart that used to be so prone to turning to stone,

     You have molded into soft clay,

And I embrace the Hands that knead me,

     Finally understanding that it is this which keeps me from

          Blowing up

               In the fire.

My mind reaches for words to describe,

     My heart for an emotion to accurately portray,

This mix between

     Joy and sorrow,

     Yearning and contentment,

     Waiting and being active,

Confuses even me.

As I embody opposing emotions that

(somehow)

     Coexist.

And regardless of my temporary discontent, I am

     Melting,

          In Your presence.

Feeling Your Spirit every second.

As I sit here, still, in the silence of this empty house,

     I feel my heart soften.

Basileia

Saranac Lake -- YoungLife Camp

I am finally home for the summer.  Home for the next year.  Rockbridge, graduation, and Basileia are over and I can take a few days to process these transitions.

At Basileia, the main session talks were on Joshua.  The students learned over and over that God handed Joshua the promised land but that he had to first take a step of faith out into it, even when circumstances were frightening.  These words spoke just as strongly into my own heart.

At Basileia I learned that this is the land the Lord has given me for this next year.  He wants me at TCNJ and I have to take that step and claim it, no matter how scary that seems right now or how much it seems that life would be easier to be back in familiar territory.

At Basileia my career in college ministry was confirmed for me as I grew to adore the students in my small group and watched as Jesus stretched them and grew them over the course of the week.  I realized that I am right where I'm supposed to be.

At Basileia I watched in awe how Jesus answered my prayers one right after the other.  Whether it was on making friends, getting sleep, or finding the right words to say to the students, He blessed me every time.

This is my life now.  I am jumping for joy and yearning for September when I can be on campus and meeting students.  I am waiting in anticipation for this next year and grateful that I will be able to learn and train under such a rockstar staff worker.  And I am also mourning the end of college.  Missing Fredericksburg, my friends, and the campus (and region) that I know inside and out.  It's hard on this extrovert's heart to know that ALL of my best friends live 4-12 hours away.  On top of moving away from familiarity, it's frustrating that I have to live in my dad's house again after being on my own for four years.  These emotions are up and down and I can feel them simultaneously bubbling inside of me. 

Here we go.  Step of faith.  The Lord is inviting me into the work He is doing on TCNJ's campus and that is worth stepping for.  That is worth fighting these mixed up emotions for.

Joshua 1:9-- "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."