testimony time

The room erupted with laughter and tears this morning as I gave my testimony at the closing of the women's retreat to a room of 55 women, most of whom I had just met.  A testament to God's grace and love and redemption.

Testimonies.  I love them.  It's my favorite part about making new friends in the Church.  "So, what's your life story?" is probably my most frequently asked question when I meet somebody.

And that's exactly what I did this weekend at the retreat.  Listened as handfuls of women shared their personal and emotional journeys with me--while also asking so many follow-up questions that one of my new friends even commented she felt like she was at an interview. Oops?

I love testimonies because while each person's story is so unique, they all share the common thread of Truth.  All weaved by the same Creator.  All bursting with His goodness and forgiveness.

Today I felt a rush of adrenaline sharing my story, microphone in hand as I leaned against the pulpit.  Not only because I love presenting (hello, ex theatre girl over here...), but mostly because I was able to share the entire thing.  It wasn't watered down.  I didn't skip over the hard parts.  I shared it all.  Without shame.  Without guilt.  Without embarrassment. Something that I couldn't have done three months ago.  For the first time, I truly gave my story--my whole story--up to the Lord for His glory.

As I was sharing this testimony, I couldn't help thinking, "Jesus, this.. this moment right here.. is a testimony in and of itself!"

Pieces of my past that brought me such shame and silence six months ago I am now liberated from.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. (John 8:36)

Jesus brought me to a place of not only being freed from the temptation of that sin, but to a place of being freed from the shame of it, as well.

I had handfuls of people come up to me after to comment on certain things or ask for prayer in ways that my story matched theirs and resurfaced hard emotions.  One of the common things I heard over and over was, (and honestly, I hear it almost every time I share my story...) "That is such a GREAT testimony!"

Yes.  Praise be to God.  He literally turned my "darkness" to light. (Psalm 18:28) Thanks to another friend for pointing out to me today my name change!

I smile back, nod and say, "Yes!  He is so good!"  But inside I'm thinking, "But He is not done with me yet!"

My God is not done with me, yet.

Sanctification.

Learning.

Turning more like Him as I seek to know Him more.

I want to say, "Ask me in a year to chat with you one-on-one!  Because I'm sure that I'll have some equally miraculous stories to share!"

I might have shared my testimony today, but it's not over.

Oh no.

This journey has just begun.

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,

     and he saved them from their distress.

He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,

     and broke away their chains.

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love

     and his wonderful deeds for mankind,

for he breaks down gates of bronze

     and cuts through bars of iron.

--Psalm 107:13-16

I'm Movin' On

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons,

Finally content with a past I regret.

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness,

For once I'm at peace with myself.

I've been burdened with blame,

Trapped in the past for too long,

I'm movin' on.

I heard this song for the first time sometime during my senior year of college and I remember thinking, One day, I will be able to say this.  One day, Jesus will move me on from my past.

Since the day that I got saved, I struggled with a few things that stemmed directly from the sinful pre-Christ life I had just come out of.  Strongholds that produced so many ugly thoughts and actions.  Neurological pathways that were strongly wired.  I was too afraid to talk about anything and instead crumbled into a ball of silence.

Surrounded by shame.
Surrounded by the belief lie that I would never be able to break those connections in my brain.
That they were too hard-wired.
That it would be too much of a battle.

A year and a half ago, I began to talk. About all of these issues.

I began the journey toward the goal of Satan no longer using my silence to make me feel shame.

Progressively over the past year and a half, I've gained more accountability and more prayer warriors to intercede for me.  I've failed and dealt with the consequences of that sin.  I've experienced moments of victory.  I've wanted to cry when those neurological connections seemed too strong to break.  I've wanted to give in when I didn't think I could do it anymore.

After a little over a year of struggling I decided that I was done.  I was sick of feeling defeated.  I decided that Jesus was going to win this battle for me.

Prayer.  Fasting.  Struggles through resisting sin.  Cutting out certain things, people, and places in my life that were triggers for me.

Then, a couple of months ago (by starting small) I slowly allowed myself to be in situations where I knew it was possible for my past to be triggered.  I slowly welcomed back people and places and things, all the while praying without ceasing during those situations and making sure that I had a solid group of sisters praying for me from their homes.  I wanted to test my progress and my faith (2 Corinthians 13:5).  I didn't want there to be limits to what I could do and where I could go and who I could see so I slowly welcomed those things back into my life with the knowledge that I have freedom in Christ.  That I can live in the liberty of having all of my chains broken.

That His divine power has given me everything I need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3).

I didn't do this prematurely.  I took very small baby steps.  Praying all the while.  Having others pray for me.  Working my way with Christ to freedom.

Recently, I was faced with the epitome "big deal" testing of my faith.  I was a little nervous, and a sister even advised me not to put myself in that situation.  But I stood confident in the fact that I was ready to fight the hardest battle of them all.

While in the midst of it, I barely felt any temptation.  Those strongholds have been broken.  And the split seconds that I sensed any sort of temptation I immediately prayed, Oh no. We're not even going to go there, Alyssa.  Jesus, break these chains.  I repeated the Scripture over and over in prayer that says, Create in me a pure heart, O God (Psalm 51:10).  And after that split second of temptation, it was gone.  Like the song says, "I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness."  Through Christ, I am strong.

I am free.

Free from my past.  Free from those strongholds that held me in chains for too long.  Free from shame.

I know that I still need to be aware that I still live in a broken world.  I still need to filter things I hear and see and I still need to enter many situations with the knowledge that I will need to be praying the entire time.  I still need to constantly keep my heart in check.

But I can now live with the experience of Jesus changing my brain by me inviting Him into the battle.

He has set me free.

i prayed for a friend

Last night I prayed for a friend.

Out loud.  Sitting on my bed.  Feeling defeated after a summer of lonely.  Missing the community I had in college.  I prayed for a friend.

This week I felt a bit lonely.  I tried to balance the confirmation that I've received from Jesus that I'm supposed to be in New Jersey with the reality that my best friends either live in Virginia, Kentucky, or Tennessee.  I tried to balance the fact that even though I've felt so at peace with being here and God has blessed me in so many ways, I still don't feel like I have fellowship here with people my age and in the same stage of life as me (I have a couple of friends, but I don't get to see one very often because she's busy and the other just started college again and thus our schedules/lives will now be very different).

I was beginning to believe lies that because God hasn't given me the community that my heart (and extroverted-ness) so desperately need, He doesn't want me here.  That maybe I should re-consider moving back to Virginia.  Yet this didn't make any sense because I know I'm supposed to be staff at TCNJ.

And so I prayed for a friend.  I started listing to God the requirements I'd like:  Someone in their twenties, but out of college.  A Christian.  Likes to play Settlers (c'mon, it's important...).  At first I thought maybe I was being too picky, but then I realized that He had given me ~90 of those people in college!  And six of us women (plus four men) all lived in the same apartment building together this past year.  God had provided a plethora of best friends for me in college and He could do it again if He so wanted.

So I prayed last night with a desperate, lonely plea.

Today as I was getting ready for my day, I received a text from Dani.  Dani is Jordan's wife.  Jordan was a friend in my graduating class in college who served on the InterVarsity student leadership team with me and now just started dental school at Temple University in Philly.  When Dani and Jordan got married last year, Dani (obviously) moved to Fredericksburg and us girls got to know her pretty well.

She was texting to ask me if I just so happened to live near Trenton, NJ.

uhhh....

Come to find out, they just moved into an apartment that's about twenty minutes from my house!!!!!  Not only are they in my age bracket, but they are both in love with Jesus and Settlers!!!! (With Jesus trumping Settlers, of course! ;b)

Today I went over to catch up with Dani (and see her baby bump hehehe!) while Jordan was in class.  On the drive over I could do nothing else besides praise God for answering my prayers immediately.

Jesus. is. so. good.

I'd still like to find some more friends close by--because we all know an extrovert can't rely on just a few--and I'd definitely like to make enough solid relationships to eventually have some roommates.  But in the meantime while God is working all of that out, He provided for me like a loving Father would.

He, again by giving me yet another desire of my heart, solidified my calling to be in New Jersey.

Hooray for friends!  Hooray for Jesus!

Be. Go. Do.

What would it look like if we actually lived out our calling to make disciples of all nations?  If we functioned outside of ourselves, outside of our own desires to just "feel good" about loving Jesus?  If we actually allowed our cups to be in a constant state of overflow?

Lately, the only things on my mind are thoughts of what could be if every Christian was missional.

If every Christian woke up in the morning with the thought, I have purpose today.

What would it look like if we actually grasped the fact that Jesus saving us from our sin and for heaven is only half of the good news?  If we truly functioned out of the mindset that the other half of the Gospel is that He yearns to see His Kingdom come now?

On earth as it is in heaven.

What would it look like to break the typical mold of status-quo Christianity?  To go outside of these Christian social norms we've created that have become stumbling blocks to the Message?  What would it look like to pursue relationships with intentionality?  To change the world by realizing that Jesus is in the process of redeeming it, and that His method for doing so is people?  To live outside of our Christian bubbles?  To step eagerly into the plans that He has for each one of us?

To be Kingdom-minded.

What would it look like if we didn't become complacent about the growth in our own spiritual lives?  If we took risks on ourselves and pushed others to do the same with the mindset that we are growing not just for ourselves, but with the intention of partnering with Jesus in redeeming the world?

This is it, boys.  This is war.

What are we waiting for?

Why don't we break the rules already?

This secular song has been echoing in my head during these restless nights as I've been tossing and turning because my mind is too full of vision to sleep.  These words infuse my being as I get up to pray or read Scripture or write my thoughts out in spoken word poetry because I realize that yet again, excitement for transforming lives overtakes my desire to sleep.

What would it look like if we truly grasped that we are in a war?  That we need to break these rules we Christians have set for ourselves?

Where will you begin?

Where I am called to start is the college campus.  I want see a change of culture in these places where the future leaders of America rise up out of.  The places where young adults come to figure out where they stand.

Be. John 15:4

Go. Mark 16:15

Do. Philippians 4:9

Ooohhh I feel it in my bones.

messy

What denotes the end of the summer and the beginning of autumn my favorite season is not students being back on campus or even the pool club closing.  It most definitely is marked by the first sip of that pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks.

Tomorrow I have plans to get some work done over this seasonal drink to allow my mind to shift from summer to fall mode.  But I realized that my room was in desperate need of a quick clean sweep before I could fully retire my summer self.  The backpack needed to be emptied of beach sand and a lifeguard whistle and the blankets and pillows from numerous sleepovers needed to be folded and put away.  There were some clothes that I never got around to hanging up, and I figured that I'd listen to some 90s hits on Pandora as I made my room sparkle for an hour.

My life was busy this summer, to say the least.  Working a minimum of 6 days a week meant that on the seldom times I had off, I crammed it with a social life and made certain that friends slept over or that I went on short trips.  But when the fleeting friend-filled weekends ended, it was always right back to work--leaving little to no time for unpacking suitcases or putting away the makeshift "beds."  If I was lucky enough to find time to do laundry I usually didn't have time to put away the clothes properly and I dumped them into a pile on the floor to allow my laundry basket to fill up with the dirties again.

So I took an hour tonight and put away the clothes, blankets, and pillows.  And when I looked up with expectation of seeing a new and improved room, it still looked equally as messy.  Somehow mail and papers and bible study notes and cotton balls and loose change and post-it notes covered not only my floor, but also every dresser in my room.  I now have to find time to sort through piles and piles of paper and vacuum the carpet.

Without me knowing it, the messy fell over the messy, which fell over the messy.

My bulky sweatshirts and blankets covered the clutter that will be even more time-consuming to pick up.

I was living in ignorance, not realizing that each toss of a piece of mail or unwanted article of clothing was creating a hazardous environment.  Creating a culture of messy in my room.

Being messy leads to messy.
Being messy without much regard for it, leads to a day when I question "how did it even get to this point?"

And so I find my heart some of the time.

When I'm not being conscious or keeping myself in check or remaining in my disciplines for a season, Jesus peels back a layer and shows me how deep the messy goes.  All it takes are a few lazy days and I find myself caught in a spider web of complications.  I'm nervous to embark on this cleaning spree because I know how time consuming the clutter will take.  I know the effort that I must give to Jesus in this process.

So I guess this housekeeper will be working on her room this week.
As her Housekeeper works on her heart.

spiritual birthday

I called,
You answered.
And You came to my rescue,
And I wanna be where You are.
"Came to My Rescue" by Hillsong

When someone speaks of three years, I never perceive it as a long time--especially when I think of how quickly a summer or an academic year tends to fly by.

When someone speaks of three years, if we are looking into future plans it never seems that far away.

But when I think of what happened three years ago tonight, it feels like a lifetime ago.

Perhaps because it literally was a lifetime ago.

Three years ago tonight I opened a new journal, allowing the Author to begin writing my life on a fresh page.  I was washed clean as I allowed Jesus to fill my heart.  I became a new creation with one simple prayer. "God, if you exist then change my heart... because I don't want to live for You right now.  I don't want to change my lifestyle.  I don't even know if You're out there. But if You are, change me. Because I can't do it on my own."  Those were the only words that crossed my mind before heading back to my dorm that night.  I remember making a conscious decision that I would "try" the whole "not drinking thing" and see where it got me.  I can now laugh with the Lord about this statement I made to myself. Oh how nieve I was...

Though I didn't know it then, those were bold and life-changing words.  God answered that prayer and I was different from that moment on.  Yet, it took me a couple weeks with a lot of reading and several conversations to fully understand what was happening--to understand that I was a Christian now.  That I was saved.  That there was no going back after praying that prayer.  That the whole time I thought maybe I'd "try it out," what I really did was open by heart to Jesus--and that's not something I'll ever be able to reverse.  Ever.

Though I could not have articulated it that night, I know that September 1, 2009 is the night I received the Holy Spirit.  Something shifted inside of me.  Something that words can't describe.

It really was like I had lived my life blind and all of a sudden I could see.  I know that's really cliche to say, but there is really no better way to describe it.  All of a sudden I understood concepts that were confusing to me like grace and mercy.  I understood Scripture and looked forward to reading it.  Though still tempted, no part of me ever wanted to go back to the party scene.  All I wanted was Jesus.

Amazing grace,

How sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost, but now I'm found.

Was blind but now I see.

Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,

And grace my fears relieved.

How precious did that grace appear,

The hour I first believed.

It still blows my mind that this night occurred three years ago.  Especially when I remember it took me a couple of weeks to comprehend what had happened and another four months to fully be able to grasp the Gospel at a cognitive level.  It blows my mind because I realize that three years is not a long time, but it feels like decades and decades ago.

I wrote this blog entry last year on my "second birthday" and I would say that my feelings are pretty much the same--except now it feels weirder that it's only been such a short time because I am a college grad, training in hopes to go on InterVarsity staff and to work in full-time ministry.  Tonight I was asked how it feels to be "three today" and my only thought was "weird" because that night seriously feels like it took place ages ago.  The amount of healing and redemption I've experienced... the places God's brought me out of and the rate at which He's growing me... it's literally jaw-dropping that it's only been three years.

I entered college as a broken, lost, rebellious teen and left it as a whole, found, redeemed missionary who is on fire for Jesus.

I didn't know it then, but this night I've been telling you about is when everything changed for me.  Nothing will ever ever ever be the same.

My entire life was radically transformed by the Gospel.

Forever I am changed.
     And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Jesus answered, "Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit.  Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit.  You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.'" (John 3:5-7)

"Spiritual Birthday" card that my dearest 8-year-old friend, Hope Downs, water-colored for me. :) love her.