Breaking Waves

After battling a sandstorm and giving up, I sat with my friend on a bench on the boardwalk overlooking the beach today.  The sea-breeze made the air a little chilly and so there weren't many people in sight.  Just the sand and the ocean and the jetties.  I stared out at sea, watching the waves come in and pull back out.

Crashing,
Over and over.
Breaking,
Over and over
Along the coastline.

I don't really understand the physics of what causes waves to break.  I couldn't tell you why they are pulled back to sea, water churning and mixing, only to creep onto the coast in a different format that they did before.  Different water molecules touching the sand than previously.  Always changing.  Always flowing.

But God's mighty hand controls all of it.  He knows when the waves need to break.  He knows how far they will stretch onto the beach before He pulls them back.

And He is constantly changing the ocean.
His ocean.
His masterpiece.
            (And)
His daughter.

He allows me to break to mix up my particles.  To change me.  He never lets me get too far away from the source of the ocean before pulling me quickly back to Him.

Maybe I don't always understand the physics and the reasons how or why.  But He does.
And that is enough.

Knowing He is always changing me,
Knowing I will never reach a point where He can't pull me back,
Knowing He controls it all,
                        is enough.

injured on day two. oh boy.

SPRING BREAK IS HEREEEE! (Said in Oprah's yelling voice.)

Sunday night I spent visiting my sister at Salisbury University.  We got up to go to the gym Monday morning and it was great.  We ran for half an hour on the ellipticals, she taught me some sweet new ab moves, and we used some machines that I honestly hadn't even touched since high school.  After the gym I headed home for Jersey and was feeling good.  I felt strong and healthy and energized.

But yesterday I woke up a little sore and when I got to the gym I had to push through that 30 minute run.  And while doing the ab exercises I was convinced that my entire torso was going to crumble into pieces on the mat.  What was the worst was day two of the hip adduction machine.  I actually thought at one point that I was going to burst into tears from the soreness of Monday colliding with yesterday's lame attempts.  Actually, even just getting on and off the machine killed my muscles because my legs didn't want to open more than a 45 degree angle.

And I pushed too far.
And I pulled my groin.
And I can't even describe to you the pain from just laying here on my bed.  Walking around the house is really just out of the question at the moment.

My abs and arms, they are that good hurt.  That pain that says, yes. we worked hard at the gym. we're doing good things.  But my groin is screaming at me with pain.  I was probably pressing too much weight and I probably shouldn't have pushed my body yesterday when it was hurting that bad to begin with.

I'm a bit frustrated because I was planning on taking today off from weights and abs and just doing cardio, but I literally cannot even get up.  My groin throbs constantly without me even moving.  I actually felt tears come into my eyes multiple times this morning when I just tried to turn over and grab my book to read.

I guess I can't turn into a super athlete overnight.  I can't go from never working out to doing that much.  I need to take it slower.  Patience.  Because I can (and did) really injury myself.

I started drinking water, taking vitamins, and working out because I'm learning the spiritual importance of being physically healthy.  We are given body and soul from God and both are important.  But change isn't always immediate.

Renewing my mind isn't immediate either.  I can't get frustrated when I pray for a cleansed mind and yet see myself struggling in the same areas.  I can't just expect things to be good and temptations to go away without some work.  Without some time.  Without Jesus.  Because if I just immerse myself in temptation areas and don't allow healing to happen first I will injury myself and prolong the process of being made more like Christ.

Right now I need ice and rest.  Poor hip adductor muscles.
Right now I need prayer and rest.  Poor brokenness in my mind.

The Lord is using my body to force me to rest and journal through things that I keep putting off.  His perfect timing caused this groin injury during spring break.  His perfect timing is using both body and soul to work together and restrain me to my room so that I can focus on Him and Him alone.

And after proper rest I can try to venture out into the world again.

My body will learn and adapt in order to heal.
Just like my heart and mind will.

But in the meantime please pray for my left groin musclessss.  The pain makes me want to cry. :(

Settlers Champs

The Settlers of Catan is by far my favorite board game.  I'm sure you all hear me talk about it all the time and if you are a Mary Wash student, I'm sure you play it with me all the time.

Steve, Matt, and me playing in OBX over the summer

From the moment I learned how to play--which was about a year ago--I was on this crazy winning streak.  It was kind of hilarious to me because sometimes we would sit down to play and everyone would try to target me but I would still end victoriously hahaha.  But seriously, it was rare if anyone ever beat me.  Some of this is due to strategy.  Am I on a variety of resources and numbers and ports?  Am I trading with the right people?  Am I playing the development cards at the right time.

But sometimes it's out of my control.  The dice never seem to roll the numbers that I need and all I keep thinking is "C'monnnn.  Just a brick.  Just let me get one little brick.  Please someone trade with me!"

Sometimes we play on teams.  Smiling at one another when things are going well and laughing out loud when things are looking rather bleak--trying to make it seem like you both don't care that you're about to lose.  Jess and I somehow established ourselves as the undefeated team during the fall retreat.  Unbeatable.  Unstoppable.  Laughing in hysterics every time a game ended and we were the winners.

Team Jelyssa! (J'Lyssa? J'Lyss? idk...)

But since then our winning streak has been unpredictable.  We win some and lose some-- afraid that maybe we are just... average?

Even if you're playing on teams, combining strategies, keeping each other awake with coffee, and laughing to refrain from screaming when the odds are against you, you can still lose.  You can still make bad decisions.  Trade with the wrong people.  Place settlements on less-than-ideal spots.  Or maybe even forget that you're playing for a bit of time and end up having one teammate (Ahem... Jess...) doing crunches in the middle of the room and the other teammate too tired to even remember the goal of the game... but alas that is another story for another day.

Sometimes you decide to risk it.  The pair of you decide to keep more than seven cards in your hand for another round.  And every time someone rolls the dice you hold your breath, afraid to see the dreaded seven.  You are playing with fire.

And then it always happens.  Right when you're almost free and it is your turn, you roll a seven and kiss half of your cards goodbye.  There goes the resources you needed to build that last city.  There goes winning the game.

At least for this turn.
At least for this game.

Because there's always the game after this one (because let's be real... I can't sit down and just play one game).  There's always the next day or the next week.  There are always second chances to build settlements where the harvest might be more plenty, to make better trades, to use your resources instead of risking it and playing with fire.

Lamentations 3:22-23--
²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.

Sometimes we don't make the best decisions, even when we're in community and on a team and working together and being discipled.  Sometimes we are knowingly playing with fire with the understanding that at any moment we could lose half of what's important to us.  But Jesus always wants us to come back to Him.  Jesus yearns for us to keep playing.

Sometimes we brag about how we are unable to be defeated, only to then have our egos bruised and our worlds shaken.  We realize that we actually can't do anything on our own. As soon as we think we can control our own destinies we end up waiting around with too many resources and praying that no one will roll a seven.

It all goes back to our identities being in Jesus.  It's good to play on teams and strengthen relationships.  It's good to do well.  But it's also important that we don't get wrapped up in thinking that we are the Settlers Champs.

Because when I lose and mess up and make the wrong decisions, I know that I am still a child of Jesus.  And He loves me and will give me another chance.  My identity is in Him.  And cannot be rocked.  Ever.

things are good, guys!

A lot of people have been reading my blog this month and it's made them concerned for me.  This surprised me a bit, because my intention was not to come off as sad in my entries, but as hopeful.  I'm really tired right now and about to go off to bed, but I wanted to make this little post to ease the tension that I'm receiving from those of you that are at home right now--for those of you who perhaps haven't truly grasped yet just how much Jesus has a hold of my life and will not let me go.

You see I'm human.  I'm broken and unworthy and a sinner.  I still struggle with (many, many) things and am in a bit of a funk that college is ending.  I feel overwhelmed at times and my heart hurts for various reasons.  But Jesus is so much greater than all of that.  He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3).  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans8:1).  So even though I still struggle with sins, I am forgiven and He is working to purify my heart.  He is making everything new.

I'm going to have rough patches in my life, but I'm grateful for them.  Because the trials bring me closer to Jesus.  Because when I rely on Him to carry me through I become more like Him.  And that is my ultimate purpose in life:  to die to my own sinful nature and to be more like Him.  He must become greater; I must become less (John 3:30).

And so I am hopeful because my God can do it.  Jesus has radically transformed my life already and I know He will continue to do so.  He will continue to walk with me because He loves me.  My soul cries, "Abba, Father."  All I long for is that intimacy with Him because I love Jesus more than anything else in this world.  So I will persevere and I will be redeemed.  When I talk about things like perseverance and needing grace and redemption in my blogs, it's a good thing.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me (2 Corinthians 12:9).  I rejoice in the fact that my Jesus can and will and is in the process of changing me.

He is in the business of redeeming lives and transforming souls.

I'm off to bed.  My eyes are slowly shutting and my fingers can barely type anymore.  But watch this video.  It depicts so clearly that He is in control of all things and wants to heal all things and has such beautiful grace to offer us.

All He longs for is a relationship with you.
All you have to do is want this pure, perfect, and astonishing love that He gives so freely.
Let Him into your life.

Valentine's Day Fairies

Last night my IV small group went to Krispy Kreme and while there, the typical spontaneous side of me wanted to buy a box of a dozen donuts and deliver them to off-campus friends in honor of Valentine's Day.  The not-so-typical side of me wanted to purchase these twelve donuts; this coming from the girl who is too cheap to even offer to rent the Redbox.  In a matter of seconds, Sarah Hunt and I decided we were all in, bought the donuts, and ran to the car--dragging one of the freshmen girls, Allison, along.  There we were.  Living in some parallel universe where I was generous and Sarah was spontaneous.  It was silly and fun and something different to do instead of homework on a Monday night.

The first place we went was to Jess and Jen's house, where my (new) friend Kristie was hanging out.  We delivered the treats and headed for campus where we creeped on JoGo's study spot in Trinkle before driving across town to Dani and Jordan's house and then giving the rest to Allison's roommate and our apartmentmates.  You can just call us the Valentine's Day fairies.

Later that night, I received so many appreciative texts and we were tagged in multiple posts on facebook (sorry for blowin up y'allz newsfeeds).  After reading the texts out loud to Sarah I turned to her and said, "Wow.  Who knew this would feel so great??"  And I meant it.

For most of my life I've hated Valentine's Day--perhaps from the bitterness of always being single when the week came along on the calendar.  But love isn't just for romantic relationships.  It's for our friends.  For our brothers and sisters.  For Jesus.  (And from Him.)

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love --1 Corinthians 13:13.

I had no idea that people would be so grateful for a little late-night delivery.  But the point was that we love them.  That we are so thrilled that these people are in our lives.  That we hope they'll always be in our lives.

Graduation is less than three months away.  Pretty soon we'll all be scattered across the country (and possibly the world).  But these relationships will always hold significant places in our hearts.  These relationships are ones that we hope will be (mutually) significant in our lives throughout time.  We have given these people pieces of us and taken pieces of them, sharing in the goodness and the mystery of love.  Forever.

It felt great to celebrate the holiday that I usually dread.  It felt great to show the people that I love in a very simple way that I care about them and think about them throughout my day.  And it felt great to know that they appreciated our little run-around (as creepy as we probably seemed at the time, especially while we ran around campus with Sarah's car empty and running).  They appreciated it because they love us equally.

I am letting my walls down.  I am letting people into my life and my thoughts and my heart.  I am letting other people love me.

I am progressing since my last entry about it.
And I am loving every second of it.

It is like a breath of fresh air in this otherwise chaotic world.  My relationships are becoming meaningful and wonderful.  Yes, I still have tiffs with my friends and I don't always react with grace.  But I am learning to be honest and confide in people.  I am learning to let people love me.  I am learning to feel.

We are made for community.  We are made to love each other.  Romantic relationships aside, Valentine's Day can be a day that you look at all of the amazing people in your life and allow yourself to love them because that love is just as important as any love from a significant other.  You can look at how much Jesus loves you and chose to spend today with Him.  You can choose to feel and choose to let walls down and choose to be there for others.  Deliver donuts or Valentine's Day cards or hugs or tears or a simple statement of "I love you."

We love because he first loved us. --1 John 4:19

We are mirrors; made to reflect the love that He gives us to others.  Made to share in joy and love and pain and trials.

Made to do life together.

darkened desires

Perseverance can be difficult.  Especially when I can't see in front of me.  Especially when doors keep closing and I'm wondering when one is going to open (or if...?).  Especially when I wonder what I even want.  Do I even know the desires of my own heart anymore?  If my flesh and Spirit are always in conflict with each other, then how am I ever supposed to tell which way is up and which way is down?

Because after a long sleepless night I can wake up and remember how much You love me.

Because "those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires (Galatians 5:24)."
And crucifixion is a long, painful process.  It is a slow and steady death.
But death will come.

So in the process I need to make those daily choices to continue to die to myself, even when it hurts and I'm unsure and it's hard.

Because there's a promise that one day
I'll
get
there.

There's a promise that one day
I'll
look like
You.

There's a promise that You love me beyond what my fragile limbic system can imagine.

I just need to persevere through the dark even when I can't see and I don't necessarily feel like it.  I need to keep going on this journey even when the desires of my flesh are raging against the desires of Your Spirit.  I can't give up just because I feel defeated and weak.  Because, as my friend Aletheia blogged about today, the light always comes.

Darkened desires are scary and uncertain.  I can't depend on my feelings as I'm walking through this tunnel in the night because darkness can lead to heightened arousal and irrational fears.  Yet the promise of the illumination to come can cause me to press on, even when I want to give up and sit down or maybe even turn around and go back through the familiar route that I know.

Your love is more powerful than my shortcomings and more powerful than my doubt.
It is perfect.
And You gave me a promise that it will always come.

honest worship

Those words we sing during worship... man oh man are they heavy.  Here are a few of the crazy lyrics that we proclaimed at the coffeehouse tonight:

"Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause."
"Everything I once held dear I count it all as lost."
"Rid me of myself."
"All I am, I surrender."
"I'm broken inside, I give You my life."
"I need You to soften my heart/To break me apart/I need You to pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me."

I want to sing those words and mean it.  I want to scream, "YES LORD. BREAK ME APART. I SURRENDER.  I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING THIS WORLD HAS TO OFFER AND I COUNT IT ALL AS LOST.  EVERY PART OF ME IS FOR YOUR KINGDOM.  PIERCE. THOUGH. THE. DARK."

But if I'm being honest, sometimes I like staying in the dark.  I like living for myself instead of His Kingdom because it's easier if I just do me.  My time.  My career.  My GPA.  My relationships.  I still hold some loves dear to me; I'm still enticed by money, and appearance, and success, and a love life, and having people "think highly of me."

Do I really mean it when I say I give You my life?  When I ask You to rid me of myself?  When I tell You that I surrender it all? (C'mon, can't I keep some parts of me??!)

Do I really want You to break me apart?  That will hurt.  And I'm afraid to engage myself in the healing process because the ripping part will be painful.  If You don't pierce through the dark then I won't know any different... right?

Wrong.  Ignorance is not bliss.
Jesus, help me sing these words and mean it.  Help me chase after You wholeheartedly.  Help me dive head-first into this healing process with You as You pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me.