For my readers that have been following my latest blogs on "the staff decision"... the waiting saga continues...
The past couple of weeks have been so very emotionally and spiritually draining. There is never a dull moment when I'm dealing with a string of sleepless nights and spiritual warfare. I thought that today was going to mark the end of the fourteen day waiting period... but I was sadly mistaken. Thus, I'm still waiting for an answer. Today I tried my best to contain my emotions, but they were ripping me apart from the inside out, yearning to break free. When I got home this evening I knew that I needed to talk to someone that would offer me biblical advice and an ear. Someone that already understood my situation without me having to say much. And so I called my old staff worker. I think I was able to sputter out two very incomplete sentences, and from that he knew exactly what I was feeling and told me exactly what I needed to hear. I tried to suppress my crying while I was talking on the phone--so the tears flowed down my face without me making a peep. Painful silence echoing through my room. I didn't talk. I just listened. What I was feeling was conveyed to Rob in a few simple words and the Lord used him to calm me down tonight.
We hung up and I turned over on my bed, pressing my face into my pillow. I muffled my cries that came so hard my entire body shook with convulsions. I also had a pretty intense cry-fest on the phone with Robin four days ago. Until this week, I haven't sobbed this much or this hard in a long, long time. These emotional train wrecks are becoming way too consistent in my life lately.
Maybe in the grand scheme of things this isn't that big of a deal. But for the current moment in my life, this is a big deal. And Satan has been going at me the entire time. I feel like I'm tied to a tree and he is just throwing one punch after another. The devil is using this to get under my skin in so many different areas of my life. On top of it all I haven't slept well in two weeks due to my anxiety, which is making me ultra sensitive. Sometimes I just wish my mom was here so that I could call her and sort out my thoughts with her. I leave myself to bottle it inside until I explode to some poor soul on the phone because it feels like for the past 14 days I've been crying out to God with no response. I just need a response from You, Lord. What are you trying to teach me in all of this?
GOD, WHERE ARE YOU IN ALL OF THIS?
Do not be discouraged, Beloved, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)
Yes, but Lord I can't see you in this. I can't FEEL you in this. The emotions have turned to physical pain inside of me. I just want this battle to end.
The battle is already won, My child. Submit to Me and Satan will flee from you. (James 4:7)
Jesus this is so hard.
I know. But you are precious and honored in my sight. And I love you. (Isaiah 43:4)
Tonight we discussed in small group John 2:1-11 when Jesus changes water into wine. God spoke to me while reading it in a way that He had never done before in this passage (love it when He does that). The disciples only put their faith in Him AFTER He turned the water into wine (v.11). Which means that when Jesus requested the jars to be filled with water, they had no idea why. But they went along with it anyway. It was only after the fact--after they reluctantly followed Jesus in whatever He led them to do--that their faith was strengthened and His Glory revealed.
Maybe right now I can't see Jesus in the mess of my emotions and in the middle of this spiritual battle. But I will continue to call out to Him and follow Him wherever He leads me, even if it makes zero sense to me in the process. Because my hope is in Christ that when all is said and done I will know why He led me down this strenuous path and will be grateful for the amazing growth it's done for my walk with Him.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast (1 Peter 5:10).
Until then though... I'm stuck waiting here in the tough part.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Desire Series
Hey readers :)
My friend Aletheia (and fellow ENFJ!) is an amazing blogger (www.accordingtoaletheia.com) and is doing a blog series on desire right now. She asked a bunch of us to submit blogs on this topic and post as guests to her site.
Soooo to read my latest entry click here! It's called "Wanting more than Liking."
My friend Aletheia (and fellow ENFJ!) is an amazing blogger (www.accordingtoaletheia.com) and is doing a blog series on desire right now. She asked a bunch of us to submit blogs on this topic and post as guests to her site.
Soooo to read my latest entry click here! It's called "Wanting more than Liking."
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Casting Lots
You know that feeling when you take a test in school and you are really unsure about how you did? Some answers you feel like you nailed and others you may have blown completely. And when you turn it in you just want an immediate result. Did you fail? Did you pass? And if you passed was it with a C- or an A+? But your teacher tells you it will take her two weeks to grade them. Two whole weeks. You just want to know the result--whether its good or bad--and waiting for fourteen days seems absurd. You want to scream or cry or maybe even go to her office hours and try to get a sense of how you did. But there's nothing you can do. You handed your test in. All you can do is wait. And at this point you might as well stop thinking about it because thinking will get you nowhere. So you pray those two weeks go by quickly.
That's where I am right now. Except it's not with a test grade. I'm waiting to hear back about round one of the application process for a post-graduation job.
Waiting. That's what the Lord is calling me to do for the next two weeks. To wait. That's a hard thing for me. I just want to take action. I'm good at taking action. I'm content when I'm busy and productive. But there is nothing else I can do except to pray and wait. I need to stop thinking about it because not knowing is DRIVING. ME. CRAZY.
The hardest part in this process is trusting that God is sovereign. We say this a lot-- but saying that and knowing it in my head is a lot more challenging than actually believing it and living it out. I know this position is something I am called to. Jesus has given me a heart for college ministry and I will continue to pursue that until He tells me otherwise. However, even if I have confirmation from the Lord that this is the path He wants for me, His timing might not be my timing. The answer (for now) may be a no and if that's the case then I need to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing during that "in-between season" in my life.
But Jesus has it all under control. He not only has the best interest of the ministry and the various colleges in mind, but He has my best interest in mind, as well. And above all else, He has His Will in mind. He will make sure the right things happen at the right time, in light of what is best for His Kingdom. What is best for spreading the Gospel.
The Lord reigns. And He is sovereign.
I'm doing a Beth Moore study right now on the book of Esther. In Chapter 3, the king and his men decided they were going to kill all of the Jews. The timing of when the Jewish people received the news that all of them were going to be killed seemed terrible to them (for they received the edict on the first day of Passover... Can you imagine getting a letter Christmas morning telling your family that you were going to be annihilated in 11 months?). But God's hand was controlling the timing-- He planned for it to be during His Holy holiday.
More importantly, the king and his men determined the time of year that they were going to begin the genocide by casting lots (much like the rolling of dice). The timing seemed to the royal men as chance (for it was all done by just rolling a few clay cubes). But it wasn't by chance; God's hand was controlling it.
Proverbs 16:33 says, "The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD." There is no such thing as chance or luck when you are dealing with a sovereign God.
And so I need to trust that no matter what the answer is about this job--whether its what I want to hear or not--that it will be a good answer. Because it will be a God-given answer. God's timing is perfect. God's plan for my life is perfect. God will strategically open the doors when they are meant to be opened and close the doors when they are meant to be closed. If it is decided by the Lord then the decision is good.
Beth Moore wrote:
I don't know exactly how God perfects plans that seem so bleak to us in process, but these two things I know: He never takes His eyes off of us or off the clock ticking over us. I am praying right now that the lesson we have before us greatly encourages you to believe both of those things today. Sweet One, God loves you so. He is hard at work in your life, and the same eye that's on the sparrow is on the wristwatch.
Oh, Beth. Thanks for the prayers, sister. Because I really need them right now.
Lord help me believe that you have all things under control. Help me feel content and satisfied in knowing that Proverbs 16:33 is true.
That's where I am right now. Except it's not with a test grade. I'm waiting to hear back about round one of the application process for a post-graduation job.
Waiting. That's what the Lord is calling me to do for the next two weeks. To wait. That's a hard thing for me. I just want to take action. I'm good at taking action. I'm content when I'm busy and productive. But there is nothing else I can do except to pray and wait. I need to stop thinking about it because not knowing is DRIVING. ME. CRAZY.
The hardest part in this process is trusting that God is sovereign. We say this a lot-- but saying that and knowing it in my head is a lot more challenging than actually believing it and living it out. I know this position is something I am called to. Jesus has given me a heart for college ministry and I will continue to pursue that until He tells me otherwise. However, even if I have confirmation from the Lord that this is the path He wants for me, His timing might not be my timing. The answer (for now) may be a no and if that's the case then I need to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing during that "in-between season" in my life.
But Jesus has it all under control. He not only has the best interest of the ministry and the various colleges in mind, but He has my best interest in mind, as well. And above all else, He has His Will in mind. He will make sure the right things happen at the right time, in light of what is best for His Kingdom. What is best for spreading the Gospel.
The Lord reigns. And He is sovereign.
I'm doing a Beth Moore study right now on the book of Esther. In Chapter 3, the king and his men decided they were going to kill all of the Jews. The timing of when the Jewish people received the news that all of them were going to be killed seemed terrible to them (for they received the edict on the first day of Passover... Can you imagine getting a letter Christmas morning telling your family that you were going to be annihilated in 11 months?). But God's hand was controlling the timing-- He planned for it to be during His Holy holiday.
More importantly, the king and his men determined the time of year that they were going to begin the genocide by casting lots (much like the rolling of dice). The timing seemed to the royal men as chance (for it was all done by just rolling a few clay cubes). But it wasn't by chance; God's hand was controlling it.
 |
| pur -- they used these cubes to cast lots |
Proverbs 16:33 says, "The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD." There is no such thing as chance or luck when you are dealing with a sovereign God.
And so I need to trust that no matter what the answer is about this job--whether its what I want to hear or not--that it will be a good answer. Because it will be a God-given answer. God's timing is perfect. God's plan for my life is perfect. God will strategically open the doors when they are meant to be opened and close the doors when they are meant to be closed. If it is decided by the Lord then the decision is good.
Beth Moore wrote:
I don't know exactly how God perfects plans that seem so bleak to us in process, but these two things I know: He never takes His eyes off of us or off the clock ticking over us. I am praying right now that the lesson we have before us greatly encourages you to believe both of those things today. Sweet One, God loves you so. He is hard at work in your life, and the same eye that's on the sparrow is on the wristwatch.
Oh, Beth. Thanks for the prayers, sister. Because I really need them right now.
Lord help me believe that you have all things under control. Help me feel content and satisfied in knowing that Proverbs 16:33 is true.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Back to Basics
I've been doing a lot of driving recently due to fall break. With a lot of driving comes a lot of music and when the iPod is on shuffle, songs are bound to come on that I didn't even know I owned. One song in particular struck me today.
Oh happy day, happy day, You washed my sin away. Oh happy day, happy day, I'll never be the same. Forever I am changed.
Wow. Just wow.
Oh happy day, happy day, You washed my sin away.
The first part of that refrain reminds me of the song "Amazing Grace." How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed.
My Bible is all marked up from the books I was reading through the first month or two after I got saved. I was trying to make sense of everything; salvation, grace, the Gospel, sanctification--these were all Christian terms with unknown meanings to me. At this point in my life, I trusted Jesus and had made the decision to follow Him, but I had to start understanding the lingo and processing what it all meant to apply it to my life. Ephesians 2:1-5 is blocked off in my Bible and labeled vertically down the side "grace." I remember marking this when I was on a quest to figure out what was actually meant by the word grace and I remember still being kind of confused at the time of me marking it. But I had hoped to come back to it later and figure it out some more.
I don't ever remember coming back to this passage to figure it out--I think the Holy Spirit just kind of opened my eyes to understand it one night ("sleeping on it" actually worked...). But I can't help and see this huge highlighted paragraph every time I turn to Ephesians. I remember thinking last year, "Wow I was so young in my faith... how did I not understand the concept of grace?!" But this year my Bible flipped open and my friend standing over my shoulder could see it and (though I didn't want to admit this at the time) I was a bit embarrassed that she read it. I was embarrassed for someone to see that at one point I didn't understand a concept as simple as grace. As someone (hopefully) going into ministry, I find myself frequently wanting to impress people with my understanding of Scripture and hiding the fact that I don't know as many Biblical stories as my friends that grew up in Christian homes. I even shy away from asking questions, which is absurd because none of us... even those that are pastors... have it all figured out. (But that is another entry for another day on my sinful nature and how I don't like not knowing the answers...) My friend said out loud and sort of to herself, "Grace. Grace. Ahh I love it. Grace."
That interaction with her made me flip open to that passage once again. Grace. Yes, that's it. Grace. And those few verses do an excellent job at summing it up. We were dead and living for ourselves and while we were still sinners Christ died for us. Only by this grace are we saved.
It is by being reminded of the "simple" concepts like grace and mercy that we are continually brought to our knees before our God. Yes it's awesome to research the meanings of words in Greek and Hebrew and look at parallels between the Old and New Testament. But we have to always be reminded at how great God's love is for us and how no matter what we do we constantly fall short. This is how we can be reminded of our need for a Savior. This is what will keep us from developing a "Pharisee mindset." We have to continually bring it back to basics.
How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed. The moment we realize how much we need a Savior and how Jesus wiped the debts clean of those who follow Him... that is the moment that we go right back to kneeling at the cross.
Oh happy day, happy day, You washed my sin away. Oh happy day, happy day, I'll never be the same. Forever I am changed.
The second part of the refrain reminded me of the David Crowder song "Glory of it All." Oh everything will change, things will never be the same. We will never be the same, we will never be the same, we will never be the same.
The moment you let Jesus into your heart everything changes. The pastor mentioned in church today how God will often use the "farthest ones" so that the world can look at their new heart and say, "yeah.. that HAS to be God because this person would not be like that on his/her own."
Me.
Robin once said to me that she was in shock when I got saved. The most Christian woman I know and one of the main people that prayed long-term for my salvation was in shock when I got saved. That's how far I was. As Christians we're not usually that shocked when someone gets saved, especially if we've been praying for that person for awhile. She said to me, "I now think... well if Alyssa Dembrowski could get saved anyone can."
.......
But I ain't fix myself, ain't turned myself around. I gave it up and told the Lord that He could have it now.
THIS ISN'T MY DOING. If there is ANYTHING you get from my testimony understand that Jesus is REAL and He is in the process of REDEEMING LIVES, even of those of us that are furthest from Him. I didn't just do "bad stuff." I didn't just have a "hardened heart." I was psychologically messed up. From the age of 6 until I got saved at 19. I mean messed up. And all of a sudden I wasn't.
This is the power of Christ in me.
I STILL jump for joy when I read Scripture and hear sermons and listen to songs about Jesus dying and conquering death for me. My heart STILL gets really light feeling and happy and I just want to run around the room in circles yelling "YESSSS thank You, Jesus!!!" It it only through Him that I may live. Things will never be the same.
When Jesus really changes your heart, you will never be the same. When you really understand grace and the power of His love, you will never be the same. When you really decide to live for Christ, you will never be the same. When you really get saved, you will never be the same.
Oh happy day, happy day, I'll never be the same. Forever I am changed.
Oh happy day, happy day, You washed my sin away. Oh happy day, happy day, I'll never be the same. Forever I am changed.
Wow. Just wow.
Oh happy day, happy day, You washed my sin away.
The first part of that refrain reminds me of the song "Amazing Grace." How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed.
My Bible is all marked up from the books I was reading through the first month or two after I got saved. I was trying to make sense of everything; salvation, grace, the Gospel, sanctification--these were all Christian terms with unknown meanings to me. At this point in my life, I trusted Jesus and had made the decision to follow Him, but I had to start understanding the lingo and processing what it all meant to apply it to my life. Ephesians 2:1-5 is blocked off in my Bible and labeled vertically down the side "grace." I remember marking this when I was on a quest to figure out what was actually meant by the word grace and I remember still being kind of confused at the time of me marking it. But I had hoped to come back to it later and figure it out some more.
I don't ever remember coming back to this passage to figure it out--I think the Holy Spirit just kind of opened my eyes to understand it one night ("sleeping on it" actually worked...). But I can't help and see this huge highlighted paragraph every time I turn to Ephesians. I remember thinking last year, "Wow I was so young in my faith... how did I not understand the concept of grace?!" But this year my Bible flipped open and my friend standing over my shoulder could see it and (though I didn't want to admit this at the time) I was a bit embarrassed that she read it. I was embarrassed for someone to see that at one point I didn't understand a concept as simple as grace. As someone (hopefully) going into ministry, I find myself frequently wanting to impress people with my understanding of Scripture and hiding the fact that I don't know as many Biblical stories as my friends that grew up in Christian homes. I even shy away from asking questions, which is absurd because none of us... even those that are pastors... have it all figured out. (But that is another entry for another day on my sinful nature and how I don't like not knowing the answers...) My friend said out loud and sort of to herself, "Grace. Grace. Ahh I love it. Grace."
That interaction with her made me flip open to that passage once again. Grace. Yes, that's it. Grace. And those few verses do an excellent job at summing it up. We were dead and living for ourselves and while we were still sinners Christ died for us. Only by this grace are we saved.
It is by being reminded of the "simple" concepts like grace and mercy that we are continually brought to our knees before our God. Yes it's awesome to research the meanings of words in Greek and Hebrew and look at parallels between the Old and New Testament. But we have to always be reminded at how great God's love is for us and how no matter what we do we constantly fall short. This is how we can be reminded of our need for a Savior. This is what will keep us from developing a "Pharisee mindset." We have to continually bring it back to basics.
How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed. The moment we realize how much we need a Savior and how Jesus wiped the debts clean of those who follow Him... that is the moment that we go right back to kneeling at the cross.
Oh happy day, happy day, You washed my sin away. Oh happy day, happy day, I'll never be the same. Forever I am changed.
The second part of the refrain reminded me of the David Crowder song "Glory of it All." Oh everything will change, things will never be the same. We will never be the same, we will never be the same, we will never be the same.
The moment you let Jesus into your heart everything changes. The pastor mentioned in church today how God will often use the "farthest ones" so that the world can look at their new heart and say, "yeah.. that HAS to be God because this person would not be like that on his/her own."
Me.
Robin once said to me that she was in shock when I got saved. The most Christian woman I know and one of the main people that prayed long-term for my salvation was in shock when I got saved. That's how far I was. As Christians we're not usually that shocked when someone gets saved, especially if we've been praying for that person for awhile. She said to me, "I now think... well if Alyssa Dembrowski could get saved anyone can."
.......
But I ain't fix myself, ain't turned myself around. I gave it up and told the Lord that He could have it now.
THIS ISN'T MY DOING. If there is ANYTHING you get from my testimony understand that Jesus is REAL and He is in the process of REDEEMING LIVES, even of those of us that are furthest from Him. I didn't just do "bad stuff." I didn't just have a "hardened heart." I was psychologically messed up. From the age of 6 until I got saved at 19. I mean messed up. And all of a sudden I wasn't.
This is the power of Christ in me.
I STILL jump for joy when I read Scripture and hear sermons and listen to songs about Jesus dying and conquering death for me. My heart STILL gets really light feeling and happy and I just want to run around the room in circles yelling "YESSSS thank You, Jesus!!!" It it only through Him that I may live. Things will never be the same.
When Jesus really changes your heart, you will never be the same. When you really understand grace and the power of His love, you will never be the same. When you really decide to live for Christ, you will never be the same. When you really get saved, you will never be the same.
Oh happy day, happy day, I'll never be the same. Forever I am changed.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Freedom Reigns
I am so happy I could cry. I am home. Home. HOME. The last time I was excited to be here was when my mom was still alive... I'm so glad to feel at peace here again. (Thank you Jesus for providing me with the FANTASTIC summer of 2011 which sparked this all.)
When I pulled into my driveway I was the only one home so I lugged my bags up the stairs and dropped them on my floor. As I was going up the steps I noticed the familiar smell that as a kid was so comforting to me. When we had been down the shore on vacation for a couple of weeks and finally came back to Ewing, the scent of our house was always so strong. I could only sense this when we had been away for a long period of time; it never hit my smell receptors quite as powerfully after I came home from school or play rehearsal. And it was unlike any other smell. It was scented with love. And family. And joy. And though I was always sad to face the reality that our vacation was over, I secretly adored the sensation because it filled my heart with comfort.
I smelled it last night. I inhaled deeply as I made my way up the steps. Home.
I had been on vacation for a long time and I was finally back home. Emotionally, I had been away from this place for two and a half years. My heart was always in Virginia. Yes, I miss my mom. Yes, my family situation is not ideal. But I was smiling from ear to ear when I walked in that door. I was happy to spend last night at the Downs' house. Happy to have gone out with Bean, Jessie, and Rachel last night. Happy to have had a long conversation about the brain with my dad over coffee this morning. And I'm looking forward to the rest of my weekend here.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the freedom I have in Christ. That's a heavy statement and means many different things. But I've been applying it to my life recently in the category of freedom from sin and Satan and darkness. Scripture tells me I can do all things through Christ (Philippians 4:13). Scripture tells me if I keep pursuing Christ and resisting Satan that the devil will flee from me (James 4:7). Scripture tells me that Jesus will break down the chains I have locked myself in and free me from any bondage that I may have (Psalm 107:14,16).
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit (2 Corinthians 3:17-18).
Because Christ is in me I have freedom. I don't have to struggle with habitual sin. I don't have to have pain over the (seemingly endless trend of) deaths in my family. I don't have to struggle with certain temptations. I don't have to worry so much about what next year in the "real world" will look like. I just need to hand it over to Him and He will take care of the rest. The Spirit transforms us more into Him each day we commit ourselves to Jesus, and through that we have freedom. Through becoming more like Christ, our chains are broken and our bondage is lifted. Bondage from sin. Bondage from pain. Bondage from sadness. Bondage from darkness. 2 Corinthians 3 talks about how when Moses' face reflected the Lord's glory, it would fade after some time. But because of Jesus and the Spirit that lives in us, we can now be transformed to reflect His glory in an "ever-increasing" manner. We need to continuously hand over our junk to fully live in freedom. The moment we try to handle things ourselves or stop bringing our pain and temptations to the Lord is when we put the shackles back on.
Being home the past day and half I've realized how much I had given to the Lord at the beginning of the summer. How many things I brought to Him honestly and faithfully. And He answered all of my prayers. He gave me the strength to open up to people. He provided me with community in New Jersey. He took certain temptations away and showered me with grace during the moments when I stumbled. He's been ever-present on our campus and in our IV chapter.
But the past two weeks I've done a poor job at handing my junk over to Him. I was convinced I could take care of everything myself. Oh how wrong I was. And it began to show in my mood and my interactions and my decisions. One by one I was linking the chains of my shackles back together.
And so last night when I came to this realization I yelled STOP. What have I been thinking?! I have FREEDOM in Christ. This all? This will pass away. Stop worrying, stop hurting, stop thinking so much. Just rest in His presence and give it all to Him. It's so tiresome and disheartening to try and fight the battles by myself. HandItOverToJesus.
Being home has made me realize how fast I can grow spiritually if I continue to keep in step with the Spirit. How temptations can flee. How pain can go away and I can inhale the scent of comfort once again. Keeping in step with Christ includes giving Him every sorrow and struggle and sin. I threw the shackles I had been toying with out the window. I will not go back to bondage. No way. No how.
If you're tired and thirsty, there is freedom. Give your all to Jesus, there is freedom.
When I pulled into my driveway I was the only one home so I lugged my bags up the stairs and dropped them on my floor. As I was going up the steps I noticed the familiar smell that as a kid was so comforting to me. When we had been down the shore on vacation for a couple of weeks and finally came back to Ewing, the scent of our house was always so strong. I could only sense this when we had been away for a long period of time; it never hit my smell receptors quite as powerfully after I came home from school or play rehearsal. And it was unlike any other smell. It was scented with love. And family. And joy. And though I was always sad to face the reality that our vacation was over, I secretly adored the sensation because it filled my heart with comfort.
I smelled it last night. I inhaled deeply as I made my way up the steps. Home.
I had been on vacation for a long time and I was finally back home. Emotionally, I had been away from this place for two and a half years. My heart was always in Virginia. Yes, I miss my mom. Yes, my family situation is not ideal. But I was smiling from ear to ear when I walked in that door. I was happy to spend last night at the Downs' house. Happy to have gone out with Bean, Jessie, and Rachel last night. Happy to have had a long conversation about the brain with my dad over coffee this morning. And I'm looking forward to the rest of my weekend here.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the freedom I have in Christ. That's a heavy statement and means many different things. But I've been applying it to my life recently in the category of freedom from sin and Satan and darkness. Scripture tells me I can do all things through Christ (Philippians 4:13). Scripture tells me if I keep pursuing Christ and resisting Satan that the devil will flee from me (James 4:7). Scripture tells me that Jesus will break down the chains I have locked myself in and free me from any bondage that I may have (Psalm 107:14,16).
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit (2 Corinthians 3:17-18).
Because Christ is in me I have freedom. I don't have to struggle with habitual sin. I don't have to have pain over the (seemingly endless trend of) deaths in my family. I don't have to struggle with certain temptations. I don't have to worry so much about what next year in the "real world" will look like. I just need to hand it over to Him and He will take care of the rest. The Spirit transforms us more into Him each day we commit ourselves to Jesus, and through that we have freedom. Through becoming more like Christ, our chains are broken and our bondage is lifted. Bondage from sin. Bondage from pain. Bondage from sadness. Bondage from darkness. 2 Corinthians 3 talks about how when Moses' face reflected the Lord's glory, it would fade after some time. But because of Jesus and the Spirit that lives in us, we can now be transformed to reflect His glory in an "ever-increasing" manner. We need to continuously hand over our junk to fully live in freedom. The moment we try to handle things ourselves or stop bringing our pain and temptations to the Lord is when we put the shackles back on.
Being home the past day and half I've realized how much I had given to the Lord at the beginning of the summer. How many things I brought to Him honestly and faithfully. And He answered all of my prayers. He gave me the strength to open up to people. He provided me with community in New Jersey. He took certain temptations away and showered me with grace during the moments when I stumbled. He's been ever-present on our campus and in our IV chapter.
But the past two weeks I've done a poor job at handing my junk over to Him. I was convinced I could take care of everything myself. Oh how wrong I was. And it began to show in my mood and my interactions and my decisions. One by one I was linking the chains of my shackles back together.
And so last night when I came to this realization I yelled STOP. What have I been thinking?! I have FREEDOM in Christ. This all? This will pass away. Stop worrying, stop hurting, stop thinking so much. Just rest in His presence and give it all to Him. It's so tiresome and disheartening to try and fight the battles by myself. HandItOverToJesus.
Being home has made me realize how fast I can grow spiritually if I continue to keep in step with the Spirit. How temptations can flee. How pain can go away and I can inhale the scent of comfort once again. Keeping in step with Christ includes giving Him every sorrow and struggle and sin. I threw the shackles I had been toying with out the window. I will not go back to bondage. No way. No how.
If you're tired and thirsty, there is freedom. Give your all to Jesus, there is freedom.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Psalm 66
Today was a roll-out-of-bed kinda day. I slept an hour past my alarm so showering was out of the question. I threw on some leggings and an over-sized T-shirt, gulped down my coffee, and slung my bookbag over my shoulder. I had to speed walk to my 9am--which is completely across campus--because I ran out of my apartment 5 minutes later than I usually aim for. Funny what a difference 8:40am and 8:45am can be in the necessity of turning a stroll into a power walk. I was zooming around people that were moving at a glacier pace, thinking of all the homework I didn't do over the weekend that I probably should have (I'm on top of my classes so don't worry--but usually I'm ahead, so when I'm not ahead I feel like a slacker). I was headed to Jepson for my ecology class that I basically loath. It's my only "not brain class" this semester and so it's just not my cup of tea. I turned off of the sidewalk and directed myself down the trail of mulch that cuts through the grassy hill, leading students from College Ave to the science building. I was wearing my no-traction Old Navy flip flops that cause me to wipe out more often than I'd like to admit when I realized half of the mulch on the trail was replaced with mud due to the month of rain we've been having. It was more probable that I was going to fall down this hill than remain on my two feet. By all accounts I had a less-than-perfect morning.
But I was in a great mood. Not just a great mood... an elated mood.
Well this was unlike me. I was trying to figure out why, after the semi-annoying morning I'd had I was smiling. And that's when I realized that subconsciously, my entire morning was filled with my mind shouting, "I LOVE JESUS."
This was the conversation I had in my head all morning--
Ugh I slept too late, ugly day it is. But who cares?! Jesus sure doesn't...
I didn't read all the articles I should have. But that's okay because Jesus made sure I completed what was necessary for today.
Wow I'm tired... But at least I have time for coffee. THANK YOU JESUSSSS FOR CREATING COFFEE.
I'm late for ecology. But Jesus knew I'd be late today sooo it's in His plan for my day.
How am I going to share my testimony with people in my talk on the retreat on Friday? It's not about where I've been, it's about who I am. Jesus is healing me. I don't want to be broken anymore. Yes that is SO TRUE--I don't WANT to be broken! I want Him to make me new and He is! I will press on and set stricter boundaries in my life because I want to keep moving forward. I want the freshmen on the retreat and in my small group to see how God can use someone like me, someone with my past. He can use me in ministry by transforming me more into His Son. It is all for His Glory and I hope they see that because I love them and want them to know that they can be used, regardless of where they are at now in their walks. I love the girls in my small group... I especially love getting to know the new freshmen... (thoughts trailed off at this point while walking down College Ave).
In ecology we learned things that weren't all THAT interesting to me. But I kept thinking about how the Lord truly works all things for our good. How nature is so intricately designed for us to live here.
And then I realized... I DIDN'T FALL DOWN THE HILL!! It was extremely likely that I was going to, especially with my clumsiness, but my feet remained planted on the ground. Thank you, Jesus!!!
When I got to biocognition I had an even greater morning. My professor--whom I really look up to and really respect--read my quiz answers out load as an example of the "right answer" to both sections (so like... to 50 students). I rarely am the smart kid in my college classes. And it felt so good to know that even when I think I'm behind in school, I can still have a grip on things. Thank you Jesus for allowing me to find this academic material that I love learning about! Thank you for giving me the brain capacity and the intelligence to be able to understand this difficult material! I love learning about the brain because I love learning more and more about how wonderfully and intricately You've designed us to be.
When we got into a discussion on the mind-body problem I sat very content. When this first came up in my classes a year ago I would leave furious that the professor would try to disprove Christianity. But since then I've researched and prayed and felt satisfied with my stance on the issue. Lord thank you for revealing to me that it is possible for me to follow Your Word and be a student of cognitive neuroscience.
Jesus performs miracles in our lives DAILY. He will keep our feet planted on the ground, even when it seems most probable that we will fall. I can only have academic achievements and impact people in InterVarsity and balance my chaotic schedule by the grace of God. Jesus is working in me and using me for His Glory and THAT is something to keep me smiling, even when life seems less-than-perfect.
But I was in a great mood. Not just a great mood... an elated mood.
Well this was unlike me. I was trying to figure out why, after the semi-annoying morning I'd had I was smiling. And that's when I realized that subconsciously, my entire morning was filled with my mind shouting, "I LOVE JESUS."
Shout with joy to God, all the earth! Sing the glory of his name; make his praise glorious! Say to God, "How awesome are your deeds! So great is your power that your enemies cringe before you. All the earth bows down to you; they sing praise to you, they sing praise to your name." (Psalm 66:1-4)
This was the conversation I had in my head all morning--
Ugh I slept too late, ugly day it is. But who cares?! Jesus sure doesn't...
I didn't read all the articles I should have. But that's okay because Jesus made sure I completed what was necessary for today.
Wow I'm tired... But at least I have time for coffee. THANK YOU JESUSSSS FOR CREATING COFFEE.
I'm late for ecology. But Jesus knew I'd be late today sooo it's in His plan for my day.
How am I going to share my testimony with people in my talk on the retreat on Friday? It's not about where I've been, it's about who I am. Jesus is healing me. I don't want to be broken anymore. Yes that is SO TRUE--I don't WANT to be broken! I want Him to make me new and He is! I will press on and set stricter boundaries in my life because I want to keep moving forward. I want the freshmen on the retreat and in my small group to see how God can use someone like me, someone with my past. He can use me in ministry by transforming me more into His Son. It is all for His Glory and I hope they see that because I love them and want them to know that they can be used, regardless of where they are at now in their walks. I love the girls in my small group... I especially love getting to know the new freshmen... (thoughts trailed off at this point while walking down College Ave).
 |
| Sarah & me with some girls in our small group!!! LOVE them. |
In ecology we learned things that weren't all THAT interesting to me. But I kept thinking about how the Lord truly works all things for our good. How nature is so intricately designed for us to live here.
Come and see what God has done, how awesome his works in man's behalf! He turned the sea into dry land, they passed through the waters on foot-- come, let us rejoice in him. He rules forever by his power, his eyes watch the nations--let not the rebellious rise up against him. (Psalm 66:5-7)
And then I realized... I DIDN'T FALL DOWN THE HILL!! It was extremely likely that I was going to, especially with my clumsiness, but my feet remained planted on the ground. Thank you, Jesus!!!
Praise our God, O peoples, let the sound of his praise be heard; he has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping. For you, O God, tested us' you refined us like silver. You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance. I will come to your temple with burnt offerings and fulfill my vows to you--vows my lips promised and my mouth spoke when I was in trouble. I will sacrifice fat animals to you and an offering of rams; I will offer bulls and goats. (Psalm 66:8-15)
When I got to biocognition I had an even greater morning. My professor--whom I really look up to and really respect--read my quiz answers out load as an example of the "right answer" to both sections (so like... to 50 students). I rarely am the smart kid in my college classes. And it felt so good to know that even when I think I'm behind in school, I can still have a grip on things. Thank you Jesus for allowing me to find this academic material that I love learning about! Thank you for giving me the brain capacity and the intelligence to be able to understand this difficult material! I love learning about the brain because I love learning more and more about how wonderfully and intricately You've designed us to be.
When we got into a discussion on the mind-body problem I sat very content. When this first came up in my classes a year ago I would leave furious that the professor would try to disprove Christianity. But since then I've researched and prayed and felt satisfied with my stance on the issue. Lord thank you for revealing to me that it is possible for me to follow Your Word and be a student of cognitive neuroscience.
Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me! (Psalm 66:16-20)
Jesus performs miracles in our lives DAILY. He will keep our feet planted on the ground, even when it seems most probable that we will fall. I can only have academic achievements and impact people in InterVarsity and balance my chaotic schedule by the grace of God. Jesus is working in me and using me for His Glory and THAT is something to keep me smiling, even when life seems less-than-perfect.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
The Potter and the Clay
You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust.
These words echoed through my car as I sat waiting for my friend to get out of class. I was picking her up for dinner and had ten minutes to sit and rest with Jesus. Christian music blaring, I reflected on the chaos (emotional, spiritual, academic, work-related, time-related, etc) that had encompassed my life over the past few months. More importantly, I reflected on the damage that I've continued to make in my relationship with Jesus. Both Saturday and today I took steps back--both in different areas in my life.
It's so discouraging. Why do I continue to mess up in the same ways? Over. And over. And over. And over again. I need to get accountability, I thought. I need to confess these things to people. But I choose to keep it inside and fight the battle by myself.
Maybe that's it. Sometimes I try to fight the battle by myself. Jacob didn't get a name change by going through struggles alone. He didn't become Israel by putting on some armor and bringing a sword to the mirror and slaying his reflection. It is only when he wrestled with God that his identity changed (Genesis 32:22-32). It is only when I invite Jesus into my wrestling matches will I overcome.
You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us.
The earth seemed to go silent except for that refrain reverberating through my Rav4. It was then that I realized I was and am moving forward. Even though I continue to fall it's always two steps forward and one step back, never the other way around. Why? Because I continue to make a conscious choice every day to invite Jesus into my struggles. On my own, I would be either standing still or sliding backwards. But with Christ, forward motion is the only possible motion.
...since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. --Colossians 3:9b-10
"which is being renewed."
Not "which has been renewed."
Paul said "which is being renewed."
We are in the process of being renewed. I read this in Scripture a lot. I hear this in sermons a lot. Friends tell me this a lot. But I finally understand. We are moving forward if we make a daily choice to wrestle with Christ. Always. Even if at a glacier pace, it is a forward motion.
I thought about the areas of my life that I have made obvious progression in and smiled. Thank You, Lord, for removing those strongholds completely (or almost completely, depending on which ones we're talking about). And if I really look at the areas that I continue to fall in (too) frequently and stretch them out over a timeline, I can see that I am improving. These areas are difficult because they aren't just this habitual sin pattern. They start from a deep point of brokenness that needs healing. On the outside they look simple (just stop the actions, right?), but on the inside it is years and years of warped perceptions and pain to sort through. I can see by this stretched timeline that not only has Christ been helping me overcome these strongholds by making my sin less frequent, but He's been doing a mighty work under the surface, as well. Even though I can see that we still have a longgg way to go.
Jesus doesn't just smooth out the rough edges, He puts the clay back on the wheel and reconstructs it from the inside out.
Yes He keeps the same clay; He uses ME-- He doesn't pick up new clay and start from scratch. But He reshapes everything there is about the old me. In ceramics if you have a defective molding, you have to put it back on the wheel and try the whole thing again. You can't just smooth out the rough edges if the inside is messed up because even something as small as an air bubble will cause it to blow up in the kiln. This takes time.
And so I need to be patient while the Lord is reshaping me. I can't get frustrated when it doesn't happen overnight. I will rejoice in the progress that I see He is making in me and continue to invite Him into my struggles. The more I invite Jesus in, the faster my remodeling will be done.
I rested in the end of the song, smiling that I never have to fear sliding backwards as long as I'm walking with Christ.
You make me new, You are making me new.
These words echoed through my car as I sat waiting for my friend to get out of class. I was picking her up for dinner and had ten minutes to sit and rest with Jesus. Christian music blaring, I reflected on the chaos (emotional, spiritual, academic, work-related, time-related, etc) that had encompassed my life over the past few months. More importantly, I reflected on the damage that I've continued to make in my relationship with Jesus. Both Saturday and today I took steps back--both in different areas in my life.
It's so discouraging. Why do I continue to mess up in the same ways? Over. And over. And over. And over again. I need to get accountability, I thought. I need to confess these things to people. But I choose to keep it inside and fight the battle by myself.
Maybe that's it. Sometimes I try to fight the battle by myself. Jacob didn't get a name change by going through struggles alone. He didn't become Israel by putting on some armor and bringing a sword to the mirror and slaying his reflection. It is only when he wrestled with God that his identity changed (Genesis 32:22-32). It is only when I invite Jesus into my wrestling matches will I overcome.
You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us.
The earth seemed to go silent except for that refrain reverberating through my Rav4. It was then that I realized I was and am moving forward. Even though I continue to fall it's always two steps forward and one step back, never the other way around. Why? Because I continue to make a conscious choice every day to invite Jesus into my struggles. On my own, I would be either standing still or sliding backwards. But with Christ, forward motion is the only possible motion.
...since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. --Colossians 3:9b-10
"which is being renewed."
Not "which has been renewed."
Paul said "which is being renewed."
We are in the process of being renewed. I read this in Scripture a lot. I hear this in sermons a lot. Friends tell me this a lot. But I finally understand. We are moving forward if we make a daily choice to wrestle with Christ. Always. Even if at a glacier pace, it is a forward motion.
I thought about the areas of my life that I have made obvious progression in and smiled. Thank You, Lord, for removing those strongholds completely (or almost completely, depending on which ones we're talking about). And if I really look at the areas that I continue to fall in (too) frequently and stretch them out over a timeline, I can see that I am improving. These areas are difficult because they aren't just this habitual sin pattern. They start from a deep point of brokenness that needs healing. On the outside they look simple (just stop the actions, right?), but on the inside it is years and years of warped perceptions and pain to sort through. I can see by this stretched timeline that not only has Christ been helping me overcome these strongholds by making my sin less frequent, but He's been doing a mighty work under the surface, as well. Even though I can see that we still have a longgg way to go.
Jesus doesn't just smooth out the rough edges, He puts the clay back on the wheel and reconstructs it from the inside out.
 |
| Isaiah 64:8 |
And so I need to be patient while the Lord is reshaping me. I can't get frustrated when it doesn't happen overnight. I will rejoice in the progress that I see He is making in me and continue to invite Him into my struggles. The more I invite Jesus in, the faster my remodeling will be done.
I rested in the end of the song, smiling that I never have to fear sliding backwards as long as I'm walking with Christ.
You make me new, You are making me new.
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