You Carry Me

This is a poem that I wrote at Rockbridge this year during the Retreat of Silence.  When I wrote it, my vision was that it would later be posted as a blog (I wrote it in my notebook because I didn't have a computer with me at camp), but my friend told me when I shared it with her that it was actually a poem (who knew I could write poetry?!).

Below is a video of me performing it the night after I wrote it at Rockbridge's Open Mic Night.  The beginning of the video is me introducing the poem and explaining how I wrote it as a blog, but later realized that it was actually a poem.  Under the link is the text of the poem.

This is worship.
This is me talking to Jesus.
These were my thoughts during that Retreat of Silence as I sat with Jesus near a small creek.

Video of "You Carry Me" Here!


"You Carry Me"

You carry me,
     Swift in Your current.

I am moving quickly downstream,
Amazed at the distance we cover,
But frightened by this pace all the same.

Sometimes You pull me right over rocks
     that I can't even see--
Not even aware of their existence
     on the bottom of the river.
Undeserved grace.

Other times we take the longer route all the way
     around a rock.
Bending and turning--unsure if You'll keep me
     going straight.  But, unfailing,
     You do every time.
And we continue on our way.
I am grateful for these times when the path
     has not been as easy.
They've produced in me character and hope.
Truly, O Lord, I rejoice in the hard times.
Because when I step away and look at the bigger picture,
     the rocks make Your river perfect.
     They add color and splashing.
     They add beauty and awe to Your Kingdom.
     Bursts of grace and love and Truth.

And then there are those lulls in the current.
The splashes from the rapids cease and
     we move ever-so-slowly.
I am still.  I am silent.  Waiting.
     I am unsure if the pace will pick up.
But one thing I am certain of--
     I am still drifting in Your current.

Even in the dark when I cannot see around me,
And there is a chill in the air,
And the sounds of the night creep into my senses.

Even when I don't know where we're going,
     You carry me, still.
And I trust that Your waters will never deposit me
     on the side of this riverbank.

There have been those times,
     O Lord my God,
When I've tried to swim upstream.
The thrill of pushing against the current,
     water zooming across my face.
I boast in my swimming abilities--
     switching back and forth between strokes
     to show that no matter my methods
     I can go where I want.
Pride.
Arrogance.
As I laugh in the face of danger.

But I grow weary, Jesus.
My arms tire and my legs give out.
And I count myself a fool for believing
     I could swim against Your current.
And not before long, I give up the fight.
I lie limp in Your waters--my arms cease to
     paddle, my legs cease to kick.

Letting go.

And I wonder how long it will be before drowning
     in the abyss.
But the moment I release those muscles I am
     caught up again in Your current.
Going in the right direction--
     YOUR direction.
Your waters never stopped flowing,
     Despite my attempts against You.
     And You so willingly take me back.
So thankful for this amazing grace.

I smile again, glad to be moving with You--
     Even if I am unsure where we're going.

You carry me,
     Swift in Your current.

<3

Every Cell in My Body is RUNNING After Jesus

Friends, it's been a very long time since I've published an entry on this thing.

June was an uphill climb for me.  My family received pretty traumatic news and while I think my initial reaction was Gospel-centered and Godly, I could feel Satan begin to use this news to puncture my heart throughout the month.  Also, as I hinted in my last entry (i make war), there has been a serious spiritual battle going on inside of me.  This war has been there since I got saved and it's only been surfacing more as I try and defeat it.  My life has been a whirlwind of craziness--on the one hand I've been seeing God answer so many prayers, leaving bible study renewed, confessing serious and secret sin (finally) to a friend, having very productive and intense quiet times (something that I grew much too lax about over my last semester in college), etc.  On the other hand as I've been trying to have victory over a certain area in my life, Satan has seen my attempts and made it harder for me.  I've been scared to death about a potential future of going into full-time ministry.  Scared about the attacks I'll receive from the enemy if I follow in step with the call of Jesus.  Scared more about the consequences of not answering that call.

Battle after battle after battle after battle.

But what I've realized as I sit back and reflect on June is that I am in a better place with Jesus than I have ever been.

To the observer, it probably doesn't look like that.  While I haven't actually given into these temptations placed by the enemy or publicly freaked out over anything, I have been more open about my struggles to those who know me best.  (My poor mentor has had to listen to my mind go back and forth over issues with this rattling family circumstance and battles with wanting to give in and then wanting to resist my flesh--all while I simultaneously have confessed things that have been bottled up inside of me for three years. Robin Downs, you are a trooper.)

But I think that me being vocal about these spiritual battles and hardships is me finally trying to take ownership of my past and my present and overcome.  I'm finally getting to work and inviting Jesus into that.

While on the outside it may seem to my close friends that I am struggling to even stay afloat, it's really just a struggle against my flesh that's always been there.  On the inside I feel more free each day.  On the inside I can literally feel every cell in my body jumping up and down with praise to God.  I am yearning after Him like never before.  Wanting to know His Word more.  Wanting to fear Him more.  Wanting to understand His creation more.  Wanting my life to reflect His Glory more.  Wanting a more intimate relationship.

You know those times when you are so dehydrated that you can literally chug an entire gallon of water and even then you just want more?  And when you're not chugging that water all you can think about it the next time you'll drink water again?

That's how it's been.  It's like I've just been taking in in in in in all I can of Jesus.  And when life comes up and I have to go to work or an event or whatever, all I can think about is the next time that I will sit with my Bible open again in His presence.

I spread out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land. (Psalm 143:6)

I've had the best prayer life that I've had in six months.  The best quiet times that I've had in probably a year.  And the most honest conversations that I've had in my entire Christian walk.

On the outside I've been screaming war cries, but on the inside I am just falling more in love with Jesus.

i make war

I am at war with myself a lot of the time.  (Romans 7:14-25 all the way.)

I have moments when I am exactly in step with the Spirit and feelin great.  But I also find myself in moments when the Spirit and my flesh want to deuce it out.  In those times I literally shut my eyes and imagine myself fist-fighting a mirror image of me.  This war raging inside of me.  Wanting to burst forth like a human cannon.  I feel like an invisible force is shoving me around as I  knock to-and-fro screaming "But it would just be easier if I gave in.  I WANT to give in."  and then screaming back, "But you KNOW you don't actually want to.  It's not glorifying to God and He should be your ONLY desire."

This battlefield has it's quiet nights, but oh does it boom fiercely on those attacking days.

My Christian walk thus far has been a gradual increase of getting better at fighting those sinful desires.  And certain areas I feel almost completely redeemed in, praise the Lord.  But there's always been a few target areas that hurt my heart to the core because of the greatness of the battle inside.  A few areas that--while it has been an incline--the process has been a slow and frustrating one.

But today I resisted.  I kept myself occupied.  Admitted to others I was struggling.  Turned off the music when I could feel it starting to shift my thoughts farther from Jesus.  Put my phone away when I didn't trust myself with it.

...wrote this blog as a distraction for myself.

Today I made war. (listen to this song)  I didn't just let my sinful nature push me around.  I fought.  With Him.  And we won.

Spirit > Flesh

Today Jesus helped me win this battle, though the war still wages on inside of my mind.

this rock

We live in a broken world where really difficult things happen.  But in the midst of any chaos or heartache or pain, my world is not shaken.

Jesus says in Matthew 7:24-27, "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

Jesus, You are my strength and through You I can do anything.  You are good and sovereign and Your plan is perfect.  "One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard:  that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving." (Psalm 62:11-12a)

I am grateful that You've prepared me.  Grateful for Your timing--that chaos can ensue on the exact day that I closed the chapter from some old heartache and allowed healing to take place.  I am grateful for Your perfect plan and how You have chosen to put me in New Jersey (I see now that Blue Ridge was never going to happen).  I am grateful for the Godly people You have put in my life that care deeply for me--people that were there for me then and will be there for me again.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.  Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." (Psalm 62:5-8)

<3

22nd Birthday

22 years ago today my mother gave birth to me.

22 years ago today I came into the world.

But O Lord, my God, You knew me long before that.
     You loved me long before that.
     And You knew all of the plans You had for me long before that.

For you created my inmost being;
     you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
     your works are wonderful,
     I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
     when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
     your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
     were written in your book
     before one of them came to be.
--Psalm 139: 13-16

You've been carrying me for 22 years,
     and have been upholding me prior to that moment.
No matter the years that go by or the time, heartache, and joy that passes
     Jesus will be my sole (or soul? pun.) sustainer.
No matter the times I turn from Him, His grace carries me still.
     And rescues me from not only the evil forces that work against Him,
     but He rescues me from myself.
Jesus alone is my God.

For this is what the LORD says--
"Listen to me, O house of Jacob,
     all you who remain of the house of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
     and have carried since your birth.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
     I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
     I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
--Isaiah 45:18a, 46:3-4

So on this birthday I praise You.
On this birthday I acknowledge that it is only
     by Your grace that I can celebrate another year.

My birthday isn't a day to honor me.
It's a day to remember that I have a Maker Who put
     together all of the intricate workings of my body (and brain!)
It's a day to remember that the Maker of the universe also took the time
     to create me,
          and love me,
               and carry me.
It is for His glory that I was born,
     And by His grace that I was born-again.

Let this birthday be a testament to Jesus' grace.

Passion 2012 Video

link to some footage I put together from Passion 2012 -- some hilarious parts and some serious parts.

I love these people <3

Passion 2012 Video - Click Here!

holla.

unseen growth

I don't think it's until I'm with old friends whom I haven't seen in awhile that I realize how far Jesus has grown me.

As I weave in and out of busy days,

As I experience frustrations,

     and the sorrowful (but exciting) transition of graduating college,

As I feel irritated and tired by mundane schedules,

     and my mind goes from big picture to small details,

I don't feel growth.

Sometimes I doubt growth.

Sometimes I wonder if I've taken steps back.

But when I can zoom out for a few hours,

When I can reflect on how

     different

          my conversations are with the same people
               I used to speak to so regularly three years ago.

(Even so different than those conversations two years ago.)

Different content,

   Different tone,

      Different feeling,

         Different meaning.

                  Full of Spirit.

I'm reminded that I never did get off this train.

The journey just continues

       and I unknowingly am

                                changed.

As I learn more about Him and His Truths,

As I continue to know Him in deeper ways,

And fall more in love with Jesus,

I find that...

I have become more like Him.

                  (Philippeans 1:6)