Friends, it's been a very long time since I've
published an entry on this thing.
June was an uphill climb for me. My family
received pretty traumatic news and while I think my initial reaction was
Gospel-centered and Godly, I could feel Satan begin to use this news to
puncture my heart throughout the month. Also, as I hinted in my last
entry (i make war), there has been a serious
spiritual battle going on inside of me. This war has been there since I
got saved and it's only been surfacing more as I try and defeat it. My
life has been a whirlwind of craziness--on the one hand I've been seeing God
answer so many prayers, leaving bible study renewed, confessing serious and
secret sin (finally) to a friend, having very productive and intense
quiet times (something that I grew much too lax about over my
last semester in college), etc. On the other hand as I've been trying to
have victory over a certain area in my life, Satan has seen my attempts and
made it harder for me. I've been scared to death about a potential future
of going into full-time ministry. Scared about the attacks I'll receive
from the enemy if I follow in step with the call of Jesus. Scared more
about the consequences of not answering that call.
Battle after battle after battle after battle.
But what I've realized as I sit back and reflect on
June is that I am in a better place with Jesus than I have ever been.
To the observer, it probably doesn't look like
that. While I haven't actually given into these temptations placed by the
enemy or publicly freaked out over anything, I have been more open about my
struggles to those who know me best. (My poor mentor has had to listen to
my mind go back and forth over issues with this rattling family circumstance
and battles with wanting to give in and then wanting to resist my flesh--all
while I simultaneously have confessed things that have been bottled up inside
of me for three years. Robin Downs, you are a trooper.)
But I think that me being vocal about these
spiritual battles and hardships is me finally trying to take ownership of my
past and my present and overcome. I'm finally getting to work
and inviting Jesus into that.
While on the outside it may seem to my close
friends that I am struggling to even stay afloat, it's really just a struggle
against my flesh that's always been there. On the inside I feel more free
each day. On the inside I can literally feel every cell in my body
jumping up and down with praise to God. I am yearning after Him like
never before. Wanting to know His Word more. Wanting to fear Him
more. Wanting to understand His creation more. Wanting my life to
reflect His Glory more. Wanting a more intimate relationship.
You know those times when you are so dehydrated that you can literally chug an entire gallon of water and even then you just want
more? And when you're not chugging that water all you can think about it
the next time you'll drink water again?
That's how it's been. It's like I've just
been taking in in in in in all I can of Jesus. And when life comes up and
I have to go to work or an event or whatever, all I can think about is the next
time that I will sit with my Bible open again in His presence.
I spread out my hands to you; I thirst for you like
a parched land. (Psalm 143:6)
I've had the best prayer life that I've had in six
months. The best quiet times that I've had in probably a year. And
the most honest conversations that I've had in my entire Christian walk.
On the outside I've been screaming war cries, but on the inside I am
just falling more in love with Jesus.
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