identity

Identity.  Such a core concept I've been learning over the past year.  It's been coming up again and again in conversations, readings, and prayer.

Learning how to shift my belief-system to have my only identity be that of "a person in whom Christ dwells," rather than the identities that this culture wants to throw at me.

When those worldly identities were shaken this past year, my emotions went into chaos and my mind into over-drive.  Who am I, really?  Who does God say that I am?  What does that mean for me?

It's a simple concept:  I am a child of the King.  But it's one that takes a lifetime to grasp fully.

And in this season, I find myself wrestling with those same identity issues.

In InterVarsity settings, I am mistaken many times for a student (probably because I was a student my whole life up until two months ago).

"No, I'm not a student.  Am I a staff worker, you ask?  Err.. well.. no.  Kind of?  Not officially.  Just a volunteer, but that's the career goal... I'm here to learn/train."

At the doctor's office when I have to fill out paperwork I now stare blankly at the spot where it says, "occupation."  For as long as I can remember I filled it in without thinking.  Student.  Now what am I?  Part-time bookkeeper?    That's the paid thing.  Part-time volunteer-in-hopes-to-be-on-staff?  That's the career path.  What is my occupation?

"Am I in full-time ministry?  Errr uhmm... kind of?  I mean, not officially.  I'm a volunteer.  But kind of..."

"Where do I live?  Well the house that I grew up in.  Temporarily.  But I will jump at the first chance to move out and in with some roommates."

"Do I work at TCNJ?  No.  Yes.  I mean, I work AT TCNJ but FOR InterVarsity.  But like I said before that's not even my real job yet."

Even the simple things like my hair color.  I am trying to go back to my "natural" color but I have no idea what that is.  Blonde?  Brunette?  A weird mix of both?

"Where am I from?  Well here.  Right here.  But I spent the last four years in Virginia... I talk like a Southerner, you say?  That's funny to hear because I'm made fun of down south for being so Northern."

"What did I study in college?  Psychology and biology... but I hung out in the neuro part of them both.  It's not really it's own department at the undergrad level... but I made my own little path for my own passions and interests."

This list goes on and on.  I feel Jesus stripping away every part of my worldly identities to only grasp the identity that He wants me to have:  A person in whom Christ dwells.

There were things about me that defined me in high school and early college that I can no longer live by as a Christian.  I defined myself with partying, being the center of attention, being good at everything I did, and being the miserable artist who was always hurting.

Most of those things were stripped away and dealt with within my first few months of being a follower of Jesus.  But there are some things on that list that my heart wrestles with daily.  Some things that make me question where my identity really lies and what that means for my struggles and my heart.

I am learning.  I am growing.  And it is a battle to not try and cling on to some label.

But I know that those labels only hinder me.  They put me in a box and thus put God in a box by giving Him borders to work around in my heart.

It's a good thing that God will not allow me to have any other identity right now because it means that I can only define myself as His daughter.

Next time, I'm writing this on the form in the doctor's office:
Name:  Alyssa
Address:  New Jersey
Occupation:  A follower of Christ
Reason for seeing the doctor today:  The Great Physician needs to fix my heart problems
Allergies:  My sin
Medications that you take daily:  Reading of the Word