contradicting ocean

I love to swim in the ocean.

Getting in is always rough.  I have to Baywatch-run my way past the breakers to ensure that the waves don't knock me down.  I usually scream as I endure the cold, anticipating that a tsunami will take me out immediately.

But it never does.

And after the initial shock I am grateful to be in the cool water and off of the hot beach.

The beach where there is only dryness and my water bottle turns into boiling liquid within minutes.

The beach where sand covers my body, regardless of how hard I try to remain still on my towel.

Past the breakers, the ocean feels more safe.

Sharks could come.

Birds could swoop down.

A rip tide could get a hold of me.

But for some reason it feels strangely...

Safe.

Fearing it and laying still in it's peacefulness at the same time.

Trusting as I float in the safe waters.

It's the excitement when waves roll over me.

It's the laughing and playing.

It's the substance of life.

Life is mixed with ups and downs.  Tranquility and fun.

Life is understanding the point of living in contradiction.

Like being in two places at once.

Or having stage fright that gets your adrenaline pumping and drives your love for performing.

Or feeling safe and at peace while in constant fear.

How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you. (Psalm 31:19)

My safety refuge is when I tremble in fear in Your arms.  There I am most safe.  There life is most exciting.  There is where I experience that peace that transcends all understanding.

Hope & Faith taking on the ocean at LBI -- (photo credit:  Gregg Downs)

home

I found out that I was leaving Virginia sometime in January and I mourned moving for a very long time.  I loved my friends, the town that I spent a wonderful four years in, a region of IV that I knew well, having the occupation of a student, and really just the whole state of Virginia.  Pieces of me blossomed there and were left behind there and were shaped there.  It was the place I thought of when I spoke of home.

But now, only two months into life in Ewing, NJ, I am beginning to settle.  I've taken off the sackcloth and ashes and embraced life here, not as I did in the beginning when I felt forced to like it here, but because my heart is beginning to grow in this town.

I love my church and the friendships that are developing.  I really do like my job in the church office and I am so energized by helping out with and learning about this new IV region.  I count myself blessed for living near such quaint little towns and having a quick drive to the beach.

What is even more fantastic is that I now really believe that I am here for "such a time as this" (Esther 4:14).  The Lord's hand in moving me HERE at THIS time becomes more and more clear to me each week.  So many things are coming together in so many different categories of my life--family, friends, InterVarsity, church, my job, living situations, etc. I really reflect on my life at the end of the week in amazement.  I could have never dreamed for it to come together as perfectly as it seems to be fitting.

I'm starting to lose that itch to move back to Virginia (though I still think it would be fun to live in Richmond).  I'm starting to only really see myself here (who would have thought?!).

At some point over the last two months Fredericksburg stopped having the place of "home" in my heart and Ewing took over.

I am growing spiritually, while I simultaneously am feeling settled.  I feel comfortable, yet stretched.  Able to challenge and lead others, yet am definitely under leadership that challenges me all the same.  I see how I need the people here, and also how I am needed in the various circumstances I find myself in.

I'm going to celebrate the Lord's sovereign timing.
I'm going to rejoice that He makes all things work together for His glory.
I'm going to call this HOME.

thoughts as i painted today

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.  For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.  Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.  So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.  What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?  Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
(Romans 7:15-25a)

This sin,

     it stains me.

It blots away the foundation of who I am.
Covers up the fact that I am made in Your image.

It reaches up and overtakes me,
Consumes me over and over.
Stains the core of my being.

But you shine through despite the dark patches,
     Despite the stains.
You are the center of all things,
     Of my life,
          Of my identity.

I undeservedly watch as you begin to clean up the grime,
     The stains that I've created.
          My mess.
               My dirt.

You wash,
     You redeem,
          so willingly.

Still, my heart is overwhelmed by this sin that
     Overtakes me.
          And taints me.
As I wonder when this battle will end.
     (I just want it to end.)

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You Carry Me

This is a poem that I wrote at Rockbridge this year during the Retreat of Silence.  When I wrote it, my vision was that it would later be posted as a blog (I wrote it in my notebook because I didn't have a computer with me at camp), but my friend told me when I shared it with her that it was actually a poem (who knew I could write poetry?!).

Below is a video of me performing it the night after I wrote it at Rockbridge's Open Mic Night.  The beginning of the video is me introducing the poem and explaining how I wrote it as a blog, but later realized that it was actually a poem.  Under the link is the text of the poem.

This is worship.
This is me talking to Jesus.
These were my thoughts during that Retreat of Silence as I sat with Jesus near a small creek.

Video of "You Carry Me" Here!


"You Carry Me"

You carry me,
     Swift in Your current.

I am moving quickly downstream,
Amazed at the distance we cover,
But frightened by this pace all the same.

Sometimes You pull me right over rocks
     that I can't even see--
Not even aware of their existence
     on the bottom of the river.
Undeserved grace.

Other times we take the longer route all the way
     around a rock.
Bending and turning--unsure if You'll keep me
     going straight.  But, unfailing,
     You do every time.
And we continue on our way.
I am grateful for these times when the path
     has not been as easy.
They've produced in me character and hope.
Truly, O Lord, I rejoice in the hard times.
Because when I step away and look at the bigger picture,
     the rocks make Your river perfect.
     They add color and splashing.
     They add beauty and awe to Your Kingdom.
     Bursts of grace and love and Truth.

And then there are those lulls in the current.
The splashes from the rapids cease and
     we move ever-so-slowly.
I am still.  I am silent.  Waiting.
     I am unsure if the pace will pick up.
But one thing I am certain of--
     I am still drifting in Your current.

Even in the dark when I cannot see around me,
And there is a chill in the air,
And the sounds of the night creep into my senses.

Even when I don't know where we're going,
     You carry me, still.
And I trust that Your waters will never deposit me
     on the side of this riverbank.

There have been those times,
     O Lord my God,
When I've tried to swim upstream.
The thrill of pushing against the current,
     water zooming across my face.
I boast in my swimming abilities--
     switching back and forth between strokes
     to show that no matter my methods
     I can go where I want.
Pride.
Arrogance.
As I laugh in the face of danger.

But I grow weary, Jesus.
My arms tire and my legs give out.
And I count myself a fool for believing
     I could swim against Your current.
And not before long, I give up the fight.
I lie limp in Your waters--my arms cease to
     paddle, my legs cease to kick.

Letting go.

And I wonder how long it will be before drowning
     in the abyss.
But the moment I release those muscles I am
     caught up again in Your current.
Going in the right direction--
     YOUR direction.
Your waters never stopped flowing,
     Despite my attempts against You.
     And You so willingly take me back.
So thankful for this amazing grace.

I smile again, glad to be moving with You--
     Even if I am unsure where we're going.

You carry me,
     Swift in Your current.

<3

Every Cell in My Body is RUNNING After Jesus

Friends, it's been a very long time since I've published an entry on this thing.

June was an uphill climb for me.  My family received pretty traumatic news and while I think my initial reaction was Gospel-centered and Godly, I could feel Satan begin to use this news to puncture my heart throughout the month.  Also, as I hinted in my last entry (i make war), there has been a serious spiritual battle going on inside of me.  This war has been there since I got saved and it's only been surfacing more as I try and defeat it.  My life has been a whirlwind of craziness--on the one hand I've been seeing God answer so many prayers, leaving bible study renewed, confessing serious and secret sin (finally) to a friend, having very productive and intense quiet times (something that I grew much too lax about over my last semester in college), etc.  On the other hand as I've been trying to have victory over a certain area in my life, Satan has seen my attempts and made it harder for me.  I've been scared to death about a potential future of going into full-time ministry.  Scared about the attacks I'll receive from the enemy if I follow in step with the call of Jesus.  Scared more about the consequences of not answering that call.

Battle after battle after battle after battle.

But what I've realized as I sit back and reflect on June is that I am in a better place with Jesus than I have ever been.

To the observer, it probably doesn't look like that.  While I haven't actually given into these temptations placed by the enemy or publicly freaked out over anything, I have been more open about my struggles to those who know me best.  (My poor mentor has had to listen to my mind go back and forth over issues with this rattling family circumstance and battles with wanting to give in and then wanting to resist my flesh--all while I simultaneously have confessed things that have been bottled up inside of me for three years. Robin Downs, you are a trooper.)

But I think that me being vocal about these spiritual battles and hardships is me finally trying to take ownership of my past and my present and overcome.  I'm finally getting to work and inviting Jesus into that.

While on the outside it may seem to my close friends that I am struggling to even stay afloat, it's really just a struggle against my flesh that's always been there.  On the inside I feel more free each day.  On the inside I can literally feel every cell in my body jumping up and down with praise to God.  I am yearning after Him like never before.  Wanting to know His Word more.  Wanting to fear Him more.  Wanting to understand His creation more.  Wanting my life to reflect His Glory more.  Wanting a more intimate relationship.

You know those times when you are so dehydrated that you can literally chug an entire gallon of water and even then you just want more?  And when you're not chugging that water all you can think about it the next time you'll drink water again?

That's how it's been.  It's like I've just been taking in in in in in all I can of Jesus.  And when life comes up and I have to go to work or an event or whatever, all I can think about is the next time that I will sit with my Bible open again in His presence.

I spread out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land. (Psalm 143:6)

I've had the best prayer life that I've had in six months.  The best quiet times that I've had in probably a year.  And the most honest conversations that I've had in my entire Christian walk.

On the outside I've been screaming war cries, but on the inside I am just falling more in love with Jesus.

i make war

I am at war with myself a lot of the time.  (Romans 7:14-25 all the way.)

I have moments when I am exactly in step with the Spirit and feelin great.  But I also find myself in moments when the Spirit and my flesh want to deuce it out.  In those times I literally shut my eyes and imagine myself fist-fighting a mirror image of me.  This war raging inside of me.  Wanting to burst forth like a human cannon.  I feel like an invisible force is shoving me around as I  knock to-and-fro screaming "But it would just be easier if I gave in.  I WANT to give in."  and then screaming back, "But you KNOW you don't actually want to.  It's not glorifying to God and He should be your ONLY desire."

This battlefield has it's quiet nights, but oh does it boom fiercely on those attacking days.

My Christian walk thus far has been a gradual increase of getting better at fighting those sinful desires.  And certain areas I feel almost completely redeemed in, praise the Lord.  But there's always been a few target areas that hurt my heart to the core because of the greatness of the battle inside.  A few areas that--while it has been an incline--the process has been a slow and frustrating one.

But today I resisted.  I kept myself occupied.  Admitted to others I was struggling.  Turned off the music when I could feel it starting to shift my thoughts farther from Jesus.  Put my phone away when I didn't trust myself with it.

...wrote this blog as a distraction for myself.

Today I made war. (listen to this song)  I didn't just let my sinful nature push me around.  I fought.  With Him.  And we won.

Spirit > Flesh

Today Jesus helped me win this battle, though the war still wages on inside of my mind.

this rock

We live in a broken world where really difficult things happen.  But in the midst of any chaos or heartache or pain, my world is not shaken.

Jesus says in Matthew 7:24-27, "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

Jesus, You are my strength and through You I can do anything.  You are good and sovereign and Your plan is perfect.  "One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard:  that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving." (Psalm 62:11-12a)

I am grateful that You've prepared me.  Grateful for Your timing--that chaos can ensue on the exact day that I closed the chapter from some old heartache and allowed healing to take place.  I am grateful for Your perfect plan and how You have chosen to put me in New Jersey (I see now that Blue Ridge was never going to happen).  I am grateful for the Godly people You have put in my life that care deeply for me--people that were there for me then and will be there for me again.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.  Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." (Psalm 62:5-8)

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