goin with the flow

"Lyss, you drive," Jess declared while the two of us rushed to the car as if we had to be at Target at a specific time.
"Jess, do you have a key? ... Jess, do you have a key?" Jen called as she ran across the parking lot to us."
"No, do you?"
"No."
The three of us stared at each other, realizing we were locked out of the house.  The only person who had a spare key was working in DC (an hour away) until 5:30.

It was noon.

"Dang it," I said, "I'm supposed to be in NOVA at 5:30 to have dinner with a friend."
"You can just go and leave us and we'll wait to get the key."
"Yeah that's not gonna work because ALL of my belongings are in your house..."
"Ohhh..."
"But you know what?  I don't even care.  Goin' with the flow.  This is the new me."

This conversation that occurred on the last day of my 5-day vacation to Virginia basically summed up the entire trip.  What started as a two-month-in-advanced-planned trip to Fredericksburg of the six senior year "roommates" ended up as a week of me staying in Richmond and Fredericksburg without any of them.  One by one each of the "Building Ten girls" dropped out because of random conflicts.  And then there was one.

If you know me, you know that I am a planner.  My friends and I planned this trip to the hour.  Literally had an event filling every second we were going to be in town.  All of a sudden my plans went from 10,000 to 0.  But it was perfect.  I spent the first night in Richmond with the Hodi and the last three nights at Jess & Jen's house in Fredericksburg.

Those five days were full of unexpected events.  (Multiple) trips to Hyperion.  And Sweet Frog.  Sunday morning at my college church.  Holding my friends' BABY girl.  Drinking coffee.  Spiritual conversations.  InterVarsity chatter.  Learning a fun new (board?) game.  Catching up with several college friends.  Listening to some Missionaries tell stories.  Playing Settlers. Watching the Olympics.  And laughing.  Lots and lots and lots of laughter.

I LIVE at Hyperion while in Fredericksburg

If I told you I didn't miss living in this town, I'd be lying.
If I told you I didn't miss the people in this town, I'd be lying.
Yet, if I told you that Ewing wasn't where I know I'm supposed to be, I'd be lying.

It's a little bit nostalgic to cruise the streets of downtown Fredericksburg.  I miss college years.  I miss living in a cute, historic town where I can walk everywhere.

It's hard to hug good friends goodbye and hop in the car, knowing that I won't see them for several months.  Friends that I can spend 4 whole days with (talking the whole time as extroverts should...) and still find we have stories to tell each other at the end of the week.  Friends that say the same things at the same time.. all the time.

It's hard to live far away from college roommates and only chat once every few months over breakfast.  Or be so very far from my friends' families and not be able to visit their adorable new baby whenever I want to.  Hard to try and explain to 5 (and a half, as she would add) year old Grace Hodous multiple times why I can't come babysit her all the time anymore, as my heart breaks from missing those kids.

But at the same time, I am full.
Full of joy and blessings and love and friendship.
So grateful that I have friends across the east coast who love me and care deeply for me.
So grateful that I don't have relationships confined to just one area, but that I can travel far and still be able to share some laughs with a sister or brother.

So grateful that all week when someone asked me how living at home was I could answer with an honest and excited heart that I am loving Ewing.  That I am growing and changing and learning and thriving.  That I can see how God is working every area of my life to fit this puzzle together and in just two months, my reasons for being in New Jersey are evident.  I can smile and know in my heart that I wouldn't have it any other way because I can see God working more than ever before.  And. It. Blows. My. Mind.

If my original plans had worked out this week, I wouldn't have been able to see the people that I spent so many hours with.  I wouldn't have been able to actually process these feelings of missing Fredericksburg.  I wouldn't have been able to have so many fruitful conversations, nor would I have been able to watch the Olympics for a million hours while making our own ridiculous commentary.

If anything I've learned this past year, it is to go with the flow.  I need to stop trying to plan my life and stop getting aggravated when plans don't go my way.  Because God has better plans in store for me.  He blesses me with gifts that are better than what I would have chosen for myself.

This weekend, He took away my self-planned week with my best college friends and gave me such a wonderful time catching up with various people.  (And spending most of it laughing and watching the Olympics with ma home girl, Jess.)

This year, He took away my self-planned expectation to be on staff in the Blue Ridge and gave me such wonderful learning and working opportunities with InterVarsity in the NY/NJ region and on staff in my church office.  He gave me relationships with friends that I asked for and with a family (namely someone to mother me) that I didn't even know my heart so desperately needed.

What did I learn this week?
It's okay to miss Fredericksburg and the people there.  It's okay because I love them.  And it's also okay to be excited for this new phase of life in New Jersey.  It's okay because Jesus has me here for a purpose.

Greater things have yet to come,
Greater things are still to be done in this city.

identity

Identity.  Such a core concept I've been learning over the past year.  It's been coming up again and again in conversations, readings, and prayer.

Learning how to shift my belief-system to have my only identity be that of "a person in whom Christ dwells," rather than the identities that this culture wants to throw at me.

When those worldly identities were shaken this past year, my emotions went into chaos and my mind into over-drive.  Who am I, really?  Who does God say that I am?  What does that mean for me?

It's a simple concept:  I am a child of the King.  But it's one that takes a lifetime to grasp fully.

And in this season, I find myself wrestling with those same identity issues.

In InterVarsity settings, I am mistaken many times for a student (probably because I was a student my whole life up until two months ago).

"No, I'm not a student.  Am I a staff worker, you ask?  Err.. well.. no.  Kind of?  Not officially.  Just a volunteer, but that's the career goal... I'm here to learn/train."

At the doctor's office when I have to fill out paperwork I now stare blankly at the spot where it says, "occupation."  For as long as I can remember I filled it in without thinking.  Student.  Now what am I?  Part-time bookkeeper?    That's the paid thing.  Part-time volunteer-in-hopes-to-be-on-staff?  That's the career path.  What is my occupation?

"Am I in full-time ministry?  Errr uhmm... kind of?  I mean, not officially.  I'm a volunteer.  But kind of..."

"Where do I live?  Well the house that I grew up in.  Temporarily.  But I will jump at the first chance to move out and in with some roommates."

"Do I work at TCNJ?  No.  Yes.  I mean, I work AT TCNJ but FOR InterVarsity.  But like I said before that's not even my real job yet."

Even the simple things like my hair color.  I am trying to go back to my "natural" color but I have no idea what that is.  Blonde?  Brunette?  A weird mix of both?

"Where am I from?  Well here.  Right here.  But I spent the last four years in Virginia... I talk like a Southerner, you say?  That's funny to hear because I'm made fun of down south for being so Northern."

"What did I study in college?  Psychology and biology... but I hung out in the neuro part of them both.  It's not really it's own department at the undergrad level... but I made my own little path for my own passions and interests."

This list goes on and on.  I feel Jesus stripping away every part of my worldly identities to only grasp the identity that He wants me to have:  A person in whom Christ dwells.

There were things about me that defined me in high school and early college that I can no longer live by as a Christian.  I defined myself with partying, being the center of attention, being good at everything I did, and being the miserable artist who was always hurting.

Most of those things were stripped away and dealt with within my first few months of being a follower of Jesus.  But there are some things on that list that my heart wrestles with daily.  Some things that make me question where my identity really lies and what that means for my struggles and my heart.

I am learning.  I am growing.  And it is a battle to not try and cling on to some label.

But I know that those labels only hinder me.  They put me in a box and thus put God in a box by giving Him borders to work around in my heart.

It's a good thing that God will not allow me to have any other identity right now because it means that I can only define myself as His daughter.

Next time, I'm writing this on the form in the doctor's office:
Name:  Alyssa
Address:  New Jersey
Occupation:  A follower of Christ
Reason for seeing the doctor today:  The Great Physician needs to fix my heart problems
Allergies:  My sin
Medications that you take daily:  Reading of the Word

contradicting ocean

I love to swim in the ocean.

Getting in is always rough.  I have to Baywatch-run my way past the breakers to ensure that the waves don't knock me down.  I usually scream as I endure the cold, anticipating that a tsunami will take me out immediately.

But it never does.

And after the initial shock I am grateful to be in the cool water and off of the hot beach.

The beach where there is only dryness and my water bottle turns into boiling liquid within minutes.

The beach where sand covers my body, regardless of how hard I try to remain still on my towel.

Past the breakers, the ocean feels more safe.

Sharks could come.

Birds could swoop down.

A rip tide could get a hold of me.

But for some reason it feels strangely...

Safe.

Fearing it and laying still in it's peacefulness at the same time.

Trusting as I float in the safe waters.

It's the excitement when waves roll over me.

It's the laughing and playing.

It's the substance of life.

Life is mixed with ups and downs.  Tranquility and fun.

Life is understanding the point of living in contradiction.

Like being in two places at once.

Or having stage fright that gets your adrenaline pumping and drives your love for performing.

Or feeling safe and at peace while in constant fear.

How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you. (Psalm 31:19)

My safety refuge is when I tremble in fear in Your arms.  There I am most safe.  There life is most exciting.  There is where I experience that peace that transcends all understanding.

Hope & Faith taking on the ocean at LBI -- (photo credit:  Gregg Downs)

home

I found out that I was leaving Virginia sometime in January and I mourned moving for a very long time.  I loved my friends, the town that I spent a wonderful four years in, a region of IV that I knew well, having the occupation of a student, and really just the whole state of Virginia.  Pieces of me blossomed there and were left behind there and were shaped there.  It was the place I thought of when I spoke of home.

But now, only two months into life in Ewing, NJ, I am beginning to settle.  I've taken off the sackcloth and ashes and embraced life here, not as I did in the beginning when I felt forced to like it here, but because my heart is beginning to grow in this town.

I love my church and the friendships that are developing.  I really do like my job in the church office and I am so energized by helping out with and learning about this new IV region.  I count myself blessed for living near such quaint little towns and having a quick drive to the beach.

What is even more fantastic is that I now really believe that I am here for "such a time as this" (Esther 4:14).  The Lord's hand in moving me HERE at THIS time becomes more and more clear to me each week.  So many things are coming together in so many different categories of my life--family, friends, InterVarsity, church, my job, living situations, etc. I really reflect on my life at the end of the week in amazement.  I could have never dreamed for it to come together as perfectly as it seems to be fitting.

I'm starting to lose that itch to move back to Virginia (though I still think it would be fun to live in Richmond).  I'm starting to only really see myself here (who would have thought?!).

At some point over the last two months Fredericksburg stopped having the place of "home" in my heart and Ewing took over.

I am growing spiritually, while I simultaneously am feeling settled.  I feel comfortable, yet stretched.  Able to challenge and lead others, yet am definitely under leadership that challenges me all the same.  I see how I need the people here, and also how I am needed in the various circumstances I find myself in.

I'm going to celebrate the Lord's sovereign timing.
I'm going to rejoice that He makes all things work together for His glory.
I'm going to call this HOME.

thoughts as i painted today

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.  For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.  Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.  So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.  What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?  Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
(Romans 7:15-25a)

This sin,

     it stains me.

It blots away the foundation of who I am.
Covers up the fact that I am made in Your image.

It reaches up and overtakes me,
Consumes me over and over.
Stains the core of my being.

But you shine through despite the dark patches,
     Despite the stains.
You are the center of all things,
     Of my life,
          Of my identity.

I undeservedly watch as you begin to clean up the grime,
     The stains that I've created.
          My mess.
               My dirt.

You wash,
     You redeem,
          so willingly.

Still, my heart is overwhelmed by this sin that
     Overtakes me.
          And taints me.
As I wonder when this battle will end.
     (I just want it to end.)

.

You Carry Me

This is a poem that I wrote at Rockbridge this year during the Retreat of Silence.  When I wrote it, my vision was that it would later be posted as a blog (I wrote it in my notebook because I didn't have a computer with me at camp), but my friend told me when I shared it with her that it was actually a poem (who knew I could write poetry?!).

Below is a video of me performing it the night after I wrote it at Rockbridge's Open Mic Night.  The beginning of the video is me introducing the poem and explaining how I wrote it as a blog, but later realized that it was actually a poem.  Under the link is the text of the poem.

This is worship.
This is me talking to Jesus.
These were my thoughts during that Retreat of Silence as I sat with Jesus near a small creek.

Video of "You Carry Me" Here!


"You Carry Me"

You carry me,
     Swift in Your current.

I am moving quickly downstream,
Amazed at the distance we cover,
But frightened by this pace all the same.

Sometimes You pull me right over rocks
     that I can't even see--
Not even aware of their existence
     on the bottom of the river.
Undeserved grace.

Other times we take the longer route all the way
     around a rock.
Bending and turning--unsure if You'll keep me
     going straight.  But, unfailing,
     You do every time.
And we continue on our way.
I am grateful for these times when the path
     has not been as easy.
They've produced in me character and hope.
Truly, O Lord, I rejoice in the hard times.
Because when I step away and look at the bigger picture,
     the rocks make Your river perfect.
     They add color and splashing.
     They add beauty and awe to Your Kingdom.
     Bursts of grace and love and Truth.

And then there are those lulls in the current.
The splashes from the rapids cease and
     we move ever-so-slowly.
I am still.  I am silent.  Waiting.
     I am unsure if the pace will pick up.
But one thing I am certain of--
     I am still drifting in Your current.

Even in the dark when I cannot see around me,
And there is a chill in the air,
And the sounds of the night creep into my senses.

Even when I don't know where we're going,
     You carry me, still.
And I trust that Your waters will never deposit me
     on the side of this riverbank.

There have been those times,
     O Lord my God,
When I've tried to swim upstream.
The thrill of pushing against the current,
     water zooming across my face.
I boast in my swimming abilities--
     switching back and forth between strokes
     to show that no matter my methods
     I can go where I want.
Pride.
Arrogance.
As I laugh in the face of danger.

But I grow weary, Jesus.
My arms tire and my legs give out.
And I count myself a fool for believing
     I could swim against Your current.
And not before long, I give up the fight.
I lie limp in Your waters--my arms cease to
     paddle, my legs cease to kick.

Letting go.

And I wonder how long it will be before drowning
     in the abyss.
But the moment I release those muscles I am
     caught up again in Your current.
Going in the right direction--
     YOUR direction.
Your waters never stopped flowing,
     Despite my attempts against You.
     And You so willingly take me back.
So thankful for this amazing grace.

I smile again, glad to be moving with You--
     Even if I am unsure where we're going.

You carry me,
     Swift in Your current.

<3

Every Cell in My Body is RUNNING After Jesus

Friends, it's been a very long time since I've published an entry on this thing.

June was an uphill climb for me.  My family received pretty traumatic news and while I think my initial reaction was Gospel-centered and Godly, I could feel Satan begin to use this news to puncture my heart throughout the month.  Also, as I hinted in my last entry (i make war), there has been a serious spiritual battle going on inside of me.  This war has been there since I got saved and it's only been surfacing more as I try and defeat it.  My life has been a whirlwind of craziness--on the one hand I've been seeing God answer so many prayers, leaving bible study renewed, confessing serious and secret sin (finally) to a friend, having very productive and intense quiet times (something that I grew much too lax about over my last semester in college), etc.  On the other hand as I've been trying to have victory over a certain area in my life, Satan has seen my attempts and made it harder for me.  I've been scared to death about a potential future of going into full-time ministry.  Scared about the attacks I'll receive from the enemy if I follow in step with the call of Jesus.  Scared more about the consequences of not answering that call.

Battle after battle after battle after battle.

But what I've realized as I sit back and reflect on June is that I am in a better place with Jesus than I have ever been.

To the observer, it probably doesn't look like that.  While I haven't actually given into these temptations placed by the enemy or publicly freaked out over anything, I have been more open about my struggles to those who know me best.  (My poor mentor has had to listen to my mind go back and forth over issues with this rattling family circumstance and battles with wanting to give in and then wanting to resist my flesh--all while I simultaneously have confessed things that have been bottled up inside of me for three years. Robin Downs, you are a trooper.)

But I think that me being vocal about these spiritual battles and hardships is me finally trying to take ownership of my past and my present and overcome.  I'm finally getting to work and inviting Jesus into that.

While on the outside it may seem to my close friends that I am struggling to even stay afloat, it's really just a struggle against my flesh that's always been there.  On the inside I feel more free each day.  On the inside I can literally feel every cell in my body jumping up and down with praise to God.  I am yearning after Him like never before.  Wanting to know His Word more.  Wanting to fear Him more.  Wanting to understand His creation more.  Wanting my life to reflect His Glory more.  Wanting a more intimate relationship.

You know those times when you are so dehydrated that you can literally chug an entire gallon of water and even then you just want more?  And when you're not chugging that water all you can think about it the next time you'll drink water again?

That's how it's been.  It's like I've just been taking in in in in in all I can of Jesus.  And when life comes up and I have to go to work or an event or whatever, all I can think about is the next time that I will sit with my Bible open again in His presence.

I spread out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land. (Psalm 143:6)

I've had the best prayer life that I've had in six months.  The best quiet times that I've had in probably a year.  And the most honest conversations that I've had in my entire Christian walk.

On the outside I've been screaming war cries, but on the inside I am just falling more in love with Jesus.