2011.
what. a. good. year.
Honestly, I have nothing to complain about. I love the lessons Jesus taught me this year. I love the relationships He has brought into my life. I love how He gave me a passion for ministry and college students and learning about cognitive neuroscience. I love how He got me plugged into a church at home and is slowly getting me plugged more into one in Fredericksburg. I love the opportunity to connect with Jesus via this blog (which, by the way is only a year old!) I love the growth that I've seen Him do inside of me. I love the prayers I've seen answered. I love the amazing women that I live with at school. The amazing professors that teach my classes. The amazing leaders in our chapter. The amazing people I've grown so close to at home...
So many blessings from the King.
And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me. And oh, how He loves us, oh. Oh, how He loves us. How He loves us, oh.
But I am not mourning this New Year's Eve. 2011 wasn't a great year because of the calendar. It was a great year because of the intimacy I had (and continue to have) with Jesus. Because of the blessings that His grace so eagerly gives me each morning. 2012 will be equally as great, if not better than 2011. Because Jesus always seeks to bless. Because Jesus always wants to spend time with this daughter of His.
Yeah, He loves us. Oh how He loves us. Oh how He loves us.
Oh how He loves.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Solitude
The Lord works in crazy ways.
Home. You know? That place I hated for so long? Home is now a place that I love. Maybe not my house all of the time. But here. In crazy, old Ewing Township. Here, at home, is where I've seen the most rapid growth in my life. This summer Jesus worked wonders in me. And I came back from fall break and Thanksgiving break on fire.
And it's happening again. I'm watching myself grow more and more in love with Jesus by the day. Falling in love at such a rapid pace. Maybe it's because I have a lot of down-time here and spend it with my Creator. I'm not living with friends and I don't have class or work to go to. I don't have assignments and deadlines.
At home Jesus forces this extrovert to learn solitude. And it has been so. good. for. my. soul.
Maybe it's because I have several wise people constantly pouring into me at home-- people who have been walking with Christ for a much longer time than I have. People that not only have a plethora of Biblical knowledge but know and love Jesus in deep ways.
Don't get me wrong. I love (love, love, love, love, LOVE) senior year. I love living in the same apartment building as my best friends. I love how they make me laugh to the point of tears daily. I love being on leadership and being a tool in Christ moving on our campus. I love my new staff worker and my weekly meetings with her. I love my major and my classes and my professors. I love a schedule to my weeks.
But when I'm forced to learn to be quiet... when I'm forced to read and reflect and journal (because really, what else is there for me to do on winter break?)... my soul finds rest in Jesus and my identity in Christ becomes so crystal clear to me.
Things are good. Life is good. I'm excited to leave for Passion 2012 on Sunday and see a ton of friends and get put on the ultimate Jesus-high. But I'm also not wishing the rest of this week to pass any faster. I like sleeping in, working out with my sister, reading with Jesus, spending time at the Downs' house, and going to church on Sundays at Calvary.
I like what the slow-paced life and time in solitude is doing for my relationship with Jesus.
I'm sure by the end of the month I'll be itching to get back and use the ways He has grown me to pour into the members of our chapter. Because He doesn't just grow me for me. He grows me so that I can then use those gifts to minister to others. To spread the Gospel. To show His glory. To make disciples of all nations.
This month at home is a recharge for my soul. He fills me up to send me out.
Home. You know? That place I hated for so long? Home is now a place that I love. Maybe not my house all of the time. But here. In crazy, old Ewing Township. Here, at home, is where I've seen the most rapid growth in my life. This summer Jesus worked wonders in me. And I came back from fall break and Thanksgiving break on fire.
And it's happening again. I'm watching myself grow more and more in love with Jesus by the day. Falling in love at such a rapid pace. Maybe it's because I have a lot of down-time here and spend it with my Creator. I'm not living with friends and I don't have class or work to go to. I don't have assignments and deadlines.
At home Jesus forces this extrovert to learn solitude. And it has been so. good. for. my. soul.
Maybe it's because I have several wise people constantly pouring into me at home-- people who have been walking with Christ for a much longer time than I have. People that not only have a plethora of Biblical knowledge but know and love Jesus in deep ways.
Don't get me wrong. I love (love, love, love, love, LOVE) senior year. I love living in the same apartment building as my best friends. I love how they make me laugh to the point of tears daily. I love being on leadership and being a tool in Christ moving on our campus. I love my new staff worker and my weekly meetings with her. I love my major and my classes and my professors. I love a schedule to my weeks.
But when I'm forced to learn to be quiet... when I'm forced to read and reflect and journal (because really, what else is there for me to do on winter break?)... my soul finds rest in Jesus and my identity in Christ becomes so crystal clear to me.
Things are good. Life is good. I'm excited to leave for Passion 2012 on Sunday and see a ton of friends and get put on the ultimate Jesus-high. But I'm also not wishing the rest of this week to pass any faster. I like sleeping in, working out with my sister, reading with Jesus, spending time at the Downs' house, and going to church on Sundays at Calvary.
I like what the slow-paced life and time in solitude is doing for my relationship with Jesus.
I'm sure by the end of the month I'll be itching to get back and use the ways He has grown me to pour into the members of our chapter. Because He doesn't just grow me for me. He grows me so that I can then use those gifts to minister to others. To spread the Gospel. To show His glory. To make disciples of all nations.
This month at home is a recharge for my soul. He fills me up to send me out.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Stink Bugs
Almost every break this school year I've found a stink bug in the curtains that hang near my bed. Gross. I do not deal with bugs. Killing ants are about the furthest I'll go because the thought of feeling it crunch sends shivers down my spine.
The other night I was home alone and found another one of these little creatures and actually made three of my friends come over and kill it for me so that I could go to sleep. This interaction quickly turned into an hour of chaos because we realized there were actually four stink bugs and none of us felt brave enough to embark on that journey. But after an hour of screaming and running we finally vacuumed them all up. It was actually a pretty hilarious evening and I kept repeating that my life needs a reality show because it is just so ridiculous. I assumed the stink bugs got in my room sometime during the summer and I never realized it because I moved back to school in August.
But then I saw another one dangling in my curtain last night. You have got to be kidding me, I thought. I called my dad to come kill it because like I said, killing it by myself was out of the question. My dad was clearly annoyed because it was the millionth time I had asked him to kill a stink bug for me in the past year. I told him about how I've been getting friends to come kill them and how this was getting out of hand. "I have to move my bed!" I told him, "I need to move it to the other side of the room because there is something about this window that keeps bringing all these bugs in. I can't sleep under it anymore." He asked me if my window was open and I said no, that I haven't touched my window since the summer and it's definitely shut. But then he lifted the blinds all the way up to the top--something I never would have thought to do.
Sure enough the window was open about an inch at the top.
I felt a little silly for not having realized that in the past six months and tried to close it but failed miserably. Then I sat back and watched my dad try and close it, but he couldn't do it either. We finally succeeded when we worked together. When he pushed up on the top part of the window and I pulled down and locked the bottom.
Sometimes, we go after the annoying bugs in our lives. We even get friends to help. We ask for prayer and accountability. And when that doesn't work we think of radical ways to "solve the problem," like avoiding it all together and moving to the other side of the room.
But the window is still open. No matter the tactic we try the bugs will still eventually get to us.
It is only when we bring the problem to our Father that He points out the root of the problem. Sin is just a surface issue. But even when we know the cause of the problem, we can't fix it on our own.
It is only when we work with our Father that the problem is solved.
Jesus cares about the bugs, but He cares more about fixing the issue at heart. He will come and kill them for me, but He doesn't want to have to do that--He would much rather there not be any bugs in the first place. When the bugs get it, even after they are killed I feel uncomfortable and can't sleep. I feel itchy and all I can think about is a creepy little stink bug crawling on me. Jesus would much rather heal me and close the window and stop the bugs from coming in altogether. That way I don't have to feel gross even weeks after the fact. That way I don't have to live in fear that it will happen again.
Jesus wants to close the gaps in the windows to make us whole. But we have to work with Him. He will point out the problem and do must of the work, but we have to lock it shut. We have to let Him in and be willing to do what He asks.
Because really, it's for our good anyway.
 |
| So that you can get a visual |
But then I saw another one dangling in my curtain last night. You have got to be kidding me, I thought. I called my dad to come kill it because like I said, killing it by myself was out of the question. My dad was clearly annoyed because it was the millionth time I had asked him to kill a stink bug for me in the past year. I told him about how I've been getting friends to come kill them and how this was getting out of hand. "I have to move my bed!" I told him, "I need to move it to the other side of the room because there is something about this window that keeps bringing all these bugs in. I can't sleep under it anymore." He asked me if my window was open and I said no, that I haven't touched my window since the summer and it's definitely shut. But then he lifted the blinds all the way up to the top--something I never would have thought to do.
Sure enough the window was open about an inch at the top.
I felt a little silly for not having realized that in the past six months and tried to close it but failed miserably. Then I sat back and watched my dad try and close it, but he couldn't do it either. We finally succeeded when we worked together. When he pushed up on the top part of the window and I pulled down and locked the bottom.
Sometimes, we go after the annoying bugs in our lives. We even get friends to help. We ask for prayer and accountability. And when that doesn't work we think of radical ways to "solve the problem," like avoiding it all together and moving to the other side of the room.
But the window is still open. No matter the tactic we try the bugs will still eventually get to us.
It is only when we bring the problem to our Father that He points out the root of the problem. Sin is just a surface issue. But even when we know the cause of the problem, we can't fix it on our own.
It is only when we work with our Father that the problem is solved.
Jesus cares about the bugs, but He cares more about fixing the issue at heart. He will come and kill them for me, but He doesn't want to have to do that--He would much rather there not be any bugs in the first place. When the bugs get it, even after they are killed I feel uncomfortable and can't sleep. I feel itchy and all I can think about is a creepy little stink bug crawling on me. Jesus would much rather heal me and close the window and stop the bugs from coming in altogether. That way I don't have to feel gross even weeks after the fact. That way I don't have to live in fear that it will happen again.
Jesus wants to close the gaps in the windows to make us whole. But we have to work with Him. He will point out the problem and do must of the work, but we have to lock it shut. We have to let Him in and be willing to do what He asks.
Because really, it's for our good anyway.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Christmas Music and Missing Mom
I've had a lot of thoughts going on in the past 24 hours and while I want to just spill them all out right now, I'll save you the word vomit and divide them up into more than one entry. For now I will post on my family situation.
Being home is hard. Christmastime is even harder. This year marks our third Christmas without my mom and the reality of her being gone is something that will never really be easy to swallow. My mom's favorite holiday was Christmas. She used to decorate the house immediately after Thanksgiving, forcing my sister and I to participate in traditions such as baking cookies and chopping down the Christmas tree. Christmas music would be playing at all times and the house always had a cinnamon or pine scented candle burning.
This year is the first year since her death that I've listened to Christmas music. It has just always been too hard for me because every time I hear those songs I picture her singing (the wrong words) at an octave far above the artist's while I slump in the back seat of the car, rolling my eyes. Some of the songs I could only listen to once because they hit far too close to home and some (like The Christmas Shoes) I will probably not venture around to listening to anytime soon. But I played a Christmas cd on several car rides and even forced myself to listen once or twice to songs that distinctly remind me of her. Praying all the while for Jesus to heal my broken heart.
A friend also lost her parent around the same time I lost my mom and I gave this friend some questions to journal through over break, with the promise that I would do the same. So this past week I journalled through the first assignment that I gave to my friend (and to myself). After pouring out my heart to Jesus for quite a bit of time, I realized that I never really allowed myself to process my mom's death. I never allowed Jesus to truly come into the situation. When faced with painful reminders, I would just say "Lord heal me" and I would shut my eyes and turn my attention away from the situation. Never giving time for it to sink in. Putting a bandage over a wound instead of stitches. Not allowing true healing to take place.
And it "healed" incorrectly. So now I need to let Jesus reopen that wound and stitch it up and let it get better in His care. I've known this for awhile but I've been too afraid to let Him open me back up. Too afraid to consciously permit Him to rip apart the fibers of skin that fused together in a very jagged and ugly manner.
But this season, I'm letting Him.
And it
hurts
like you
wouldn't believe.
This season I blew the dust off of the old Christmas cds and turned the volume up in the car.
There's a lot that's been resurfaced since I've let Jesus tear into this, including a relationship with my dad that needs a lot of TLC and mending. I realized that I've been "protecting myself" by not allowing myself to look at pictures of my mom, not allowing myself to hang out with people and their moms, and not allowing myself to talk about her. When something motherly comes up I get angry and turn the other way, pushing it out of sight and out of mind. Slapping a bandaid on it and changing the subject.
Most importantly, I've realized that I am (still) so angry with myself. Full of regret and sorrow and self-hate. I'm so angry for the way I treated my mother my whole life. So angry that the Lord allowed her to die before I got saved. Before Jesus transformed my heart. Before I was able (by His love) to treat her the way I should have for the (almost) 19 years I had her in my life. Every word I would say to her now would be a sobbing apology and a plea for forgiveness.
These are just a few things I've been learning as I'm allowing Jesus to rip open this scar once again. I caused this to heal wrong because I never dealt with it correctly. I never truly brought my pain to the Lord, even though I heard Him begging me to give my burdens to Him (Matthew 11:30). But this season I listened to Christmas music. This week I journalled the answers to difficult questions. This night I asked my dad to meet His girlfriend (whom two years ago I told him I never wanted to see). I'm handing my pain over to Jesus. Surrendering this dark part of my heart to Him.
I am moving forward.
The scar is being opened again.
And I'm asking Jesus to heal it.
"He sent out his word and healed them, and delivered them from their destruction (Psalm 107:20)." Even though my mishaps in dealing with my mom's death caused some destruction in my heart, I'm allowing Jesus to heal me. Through His word. Through His love. Through His truth.
This, friends, is a Christmas miracle in my life.
Being home is hard. Christmastime is even harder. This year marks our third Christmas without my mom and the reality of her being gone is something that will never really be easy to swallow. My mom's favorite holiday was Christmas. She used to decorate the house immediately after Thanksgiving, forcing my sister and I to participate in traditions such as baking cookies and chopping down the Christmas tree. Christmas music would be playing at all times and the house always had a cinnamon or pine scented candle burning.
This year is the first year since her death that I've listened to Christmas music. It has just always been too hard for me because every time I hear those songs I picture her singing (the wrong words) at an octave far above the artist's while I slump in the back seat of the car, rolling my eyes. Some of the songs I could only listen to once because they hit far too close to home and some (like The Christmas Shoes) I will probably not venture around to listening to anytime soon. But I played a Christmas cd on several car rides and even forced myself to listen once or twice to songs that distinctly remind me of her. Praying all the while for Jesus to heal my broken heart.
A friend also lost her parent around the same time I lost my mom and I gave this friend some questions to journal through over break, with the promise that I would do the same. So this past week I journalled through the first assignment that I gave to my friend (and to myself). After pouring out my heart to Jesus for quite a bit of time, I realized that I never really allowed myself to process my mom's death. I never allowed Jesus to truly come into the situation. When faced with painful reminders, I would just say "Lord heal me" and I would shut my eyes and turn my attention away from the situation. Never giving time for it to sink in. Putting a bandage over a wound instead of stitches. Not allowing true healing to take place.
And it "healed" incorrectly. So now I need to let Jesus reopen that wound and stitch it up and let it get better in His care. I've known this for awhile but I've been too afraid to let Him open me back up. Too afraid to consciously permit Him to rip apart the fibers of skin that fused together in a very jagged and ugly manner.
But this season, I'm letting Him.
And it
hurts
like you
wouldn't believe.
This season I blew the dust off of the old Christmas cds and turned the volume up in the car.
There's a lot that's been resurfaced since I've let Jesus tear into this, including a relationship with my dad that needs a lot of TLC and mending. I realized that I've been "protecting myself" by not allowing myself to look at pictures of my mom, not allowing myself to hang out with people and their moms, and not allowing myself to talk about her. When something motherly comes up I get angry and turn the other way, pushing it out of sight and out of mind. Slapping a bandaid on it and changing the subject.
Most importantly, I've realized that I am (still) so angry with myself. Full of regret and sorrow and self-hate. I'm so angry for the way I treated my mother my whole life. So angry that the Lord allowed her to die before I got saved. Before Jesus transformed my heart. Before I was able (by His love) to treat her the way I should have for the (almost) 19 years I had her in my life. Every word I would say to her now would be a sobbing apology and a plea for forgiveness.
 |
| me & my mom at my 15th birthday party |
These are just a few things I've been learning as I'm allowing Jesus to rip open this scar once again. I caused this to heal wrong because I never dealt with it correctly. I never truly brought my pain to the Lord, even though I heard Him begging me to give my burdens to Him (Matthew 11:30). But this season I listened to Christmas music. This week I journalled the answers to difficult questions. This night I asked my dad to meet His girlfriend (whom two years ago I told him I never wanted to see). I'm handing my pain over to Jesus. Surrendering this dark part of my heart to Him.
I am moving forward.
The scar is being opened again.
And I'm asking Jesus to heal it.
"He sent out his word and healed them, and delivered them from their destruction (Psalm 107:20)." Even though my mishaps in dealing with my mom's death caused some destruction in my heart, I'm allowing Jesus to heal me. Through His word. Through His love. Through His truth.
This, friends, is a Christmas miracle in my life.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Talitha koum
God's grace--I will never fully be able to comprehend it. But yesterday I was having a difficult time even believing it. How can a God who knows all of my deep, dark secrets and who watches me fall over and over in serious ways love me through my mistakes? It was impeccable timing that on this day the sermon at church was about the healing power of Jesus and the topic of my bible study was His grace and mercy.
The number one thing I took from yesterday is that brokenness isn't healed overnight. Sometimes it takes a much longer route for Jesus to heal us, similar to how Jesus paused in his journey and delayed healing the dying child (Mark 5:21-43). The point is that the girl was still healed.
41 He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”). 42 Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished. (Mark 5:41-42)
One day I will not be bound in these areas anymore. One day I will walk when everyone around me (including myself) expects me to still be on the floor from this sickness that caused my fall. One day the power of Christ touching me and speaking into my life will be enough for me to be completely 100% healed, astonishing the crowds around me.
Jesus was on a journey to heal this little girl and He is on a journey to heal me. Nothing will stop His determination to see me alive and free in Him.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)
Because 1 John 4:8 tells me that "God is love" I replaced this passage in my mind today to say--
God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, God does not boast, God is not proud. God does not dishonor others, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails.
God is patient. He will wait for me. He won't keep a record of my wrongs but will persevere with me. He won't give up on my redemption because He trusts and hopes and knows that He will not fail in purifying and healing me.
Sin is not a surface issue. It comes from a deep point of brokenness. I sobbed yesterday to the Lord over a certain area that I am just so utterly broken in--an area that has been tormenting my soul since the day I got saved. I was so sickened by my sin that I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep. It brought me to a point where I finally confessed to two friends on the phone all of the habitual, hidden sin that had surrounded my life for the past few years. But it's done. Step one in the process was admitting it out loud and asking for accountability. Satan will not use my silence over me anymore. There is only up to go from here.
I am broken but by His wounds I am healed (Isaiah 53:5). It's going to be a long, hard road but I took my first step on this path with God yesterday. I will continue to move forward because Jesus continues to move forward on His journey to heal me. He is in the process of redeeming me. One day I will be on the other side of this struggle.
One day He will say to me "Talitha koum!" and I will get up and walk.
The number one thing I took from yesterday is that brokenness isn't healed overnight. Sometimes it takes a much longer route for Jesus to heal us, similar to how Jesus paused in his journey and delayed healing the dying child (Mark 5:21-43). The point is that the girl was still healed.
41 He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”). 42 Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished. (Mark 5:41-42)
One day I will not be bound in these areas anymore. One day I will walk when everyone around me (including myself) expects me to still be on the floor from this sickness that caused my fall. One day the power of Christ touching me and speaking into my life will be enough for me to be completely 100% healed, astonishing the crowds around me.
Jesus was on a journey to heal this little girl and He is on a journey to heal me. Nothing will stop His determination to see me alive and free in Him.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)
Because 1 John 4:8 tells me that "God is love" I replaced this passage in my mind today to say--
God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, God does not boast, God is not proud. God does not dishonor others, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails.
God is patient. He will wait for me. He won't keep a record of my wrongs but will persevere with me. He won't give up on my redemption because He trusts and hopes and knows that He will not fail in purifying and healing me.
Sin is not a surface issue. It comes from a deep point of brokenness. I sobbed yesterday to the Lord over a certain area that I am just so utterly broken in--an area that has been tormenting my soul since the day I got saved. I was so sickened by my sin that I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep. It brought me to a point where I finally confessed to two friends on the phone all of the habitual, hidden sin that had surrounded my life for the past few years. But it's done. Step one in the process was admitting it out loud and asking for accountability. Satan will not use my silence over me anymore. There is only up to go from here.
I am broken but by His wounds I am healed (Isaiah 53:5). It's going to be a long, hard road but I took my first step on this path with God yesterday. I will continue to move forward because Jesus continues to move forward on His journey to heal me. He is in the process of redeeming me. One day I will be on the other side of this struggle.
One day He will say to me "Talitha koum!" and I will get up and walk.
Friday, December 16, 2011
All I Need
Jesus,
You are my everything. And I'm sorry for the hurtful thoughts I've been having over the past week. And the terrible things I've said. And done. If anything I've learned that it is solely by Your grace that I am saved because on my own I am nothing short of sinful. I am nothing without Your Spirit in me. Weeks like these keep me in check that I am in such dire need of a Savior.
No matter how many times Israel wandered, You saved Your people from their own destruction.
No matter how many times I wander, Your love will always be able to redeem me. Your grace amazes me.
I love You,
Lyssa
You are my everything. And I'm sorry for the hurtful thoughts I've been having over the past week. And the terrible things I've said. And done. If anything I've learned that it is solely by Your grace that I am saved because on my own I am nothing short of sinful. I am nothing without Your Spirit in me. Weeks like these keep me in check that I am in such dire need of a Savior.
No matter how many times Israel wandered, You saved Your people from their own destruction.
No matter how many times I wander, Your love will always be able to redeem me. Your grace amazes me.
I love You,
Lyssa
Monday, December 12, 2011
"I'm not your teddy."
"Cause I'll be by your side, wherever you fall in dead of night, whenever you call, and please don't fight these Hands that are holding you; My Hands are holding you."
This song brought tears to my eyes tonight.
When I was a little kid my cousin Jill, who was 8 years older than me, was the big sister that I never had. We grew up basically within walking distance from each other and played multiple imaginary games that she created. My favorite was called "teddy bear," a game in which she would lay on the floor and pretend that I was her "teddy" and "fall asleep." I would squirm and try to wiggle myself out of her grip, all the while screaming, "I'm not your teddy!" I would make up excuses like "I have to go brush my teeth!" but they would just make her squeeze me tighter. I don't think I ever won the game (winning would entail my escape) because even when I thought I was free and would try to power-crawl away she would just reach out and drag me back into her grasp. The strength of a 5 year old is nothing compared to a 13 year old.
I tried so many excuses on Jesus these past four days. "I'm not good enough. I'll just fall short again anyway. I'm always going to struggle with this. I don't deserve Your love. I want to go my own way, do my own thing..."
The pathetic list goes on and on.
Truth is I was just trying to wiggle free. One sinful mistake caused me to forget about the amazing past month I had just hanging out with Him. It caused me to forget that His love completely sustains me and that I desire it more than those other things in my life. It caused me to squirm and fight and yell excuses that I'm not good enough for His love anyway.
But He just held me tighter. "Please don't fight these Hands that are holding you."
Truth is I'm always going to fall short. But His grace is enough. His love and His sacrifice is more powerful than all of my short-comings. I get in these funks and question my own salvation because I continuously watch myself fall over and over again in the same areas. But me questioning my salvation is me minimizing what He did for me on that cross. He died FOR ME. He died FOR YOU. And He covers ALL of my sin. ALL. OF. IT.
I need to stop focusing on how I'm falling short and continue to focus on how I'm falling more in love with Him. I am His beloved.
In my last entry I mentioned that I am living the greatest love story ever written. Jesus doesn't invite us into a story of us earning His grace by good works (or by lack of bad works). He invites us into a beautiful and holy relationship with Him--one where love is perfect and everlasting and consistent--without any doing on our part. It is all His doing. It is all His grace. It is all His Spirit that gives us life. All we have to do is embrace and accept it.
Max Lucado writes in response to Ephesians 2:7-- "God knows everything about you, yet he doesn't hold back his kindness toward you. Has he, knowing all your secrets, retracted one promise or reclaimed one gift? No, he is kind to you. Why don't you be kind to yourself? He forgives your faults. Why don't you do the same? ...He believes in you enough to call you his ambassador, his follower, even his child. Why not take his cue and believe in yourself?"
I might be wiggling and screaming at Him, I'M NOT YOUR TEDDY. I'M NOT YOUR SON. YOU DON'T WANT ME, but that just makes Him hold me tighter and whisper, Beloved what do I have to do to make you understand? When I look at you I do see my Son. And I do want you. All of you. Just as you are. My Hands are holding you.
This song brought tears to my eyes tonight.
When I was a little kid my cousin Jill, who was 8 years older than me, was the big sister that I never had. We grew up basically within walking distance from each other and played multiple imaginary games that she created. My favorite was called "teddy bear," a game in which she would lay on the floor and pretend that I was her "teddy" and "fall asleep." I would squirm and try to wiggle myself out of her grip, all the while screaming, "I'm not your teddy!" I would make up excuses like "I have to go brush my teeth!" but they would just make her squeeze me tighter. I don't think I ever won the game (winning would entail my escape) because even when I thought I was free and would try to power-crawl away she would just reach out and drag me back into her grasp. The strength of a 5 year old is nothing compared to a 13 year old.
I tried so many excuses on Jesus these past four days. "I'm not good enough. I'll just fall short again anyway. I'm always going to struggle with this. I don't deserve Your love. I want to go my own way, do my own thing..."
The pathetic list goes on and on.
Truth is I was just trying to wiggle free. One sinful mistake caused me to forget about the amazing past month I had just hanging out with Him. It caused me to forget that His love completely sustains me and that I desire it more than those other things in my life. It caused me to squirm and fight and yell excuses that I'm not good enough for His love anyway.
But He just held me tighter. "Please don't fight these Hands that are holding you."
Truth is I'm always going to fall short. But His grace is enough. His love and His sacrifice is more powerful than all of my short-comings. I get in these funks and question my own salvation because I continuously watch myself fall over and over again in the same areas. But me questioning my salvation is me minimizing what He did for me on that cross. He died FOR ME. He died FOR YOU. And He covers ALL of my sin. ALL. OF. IT.
I need to stop focusing on how I'm falling short and continue to focus on how I'm falling more in love with Him. I am His beloved.
In my last entry I mentioned that I am living the greatest love story ever written. Jesus doesn't invite us into a story of us earning His grace by good works (or by lack of bad works). He invites us into a beautiful and holy relationship with Him--one where love is perfect and everlasting and consistent--without any doing on our part. It is all His doing. It is all His grace. It is all His Spirit that gives us life. All we have to do is embrace and accept it.
Max Lucado writes in response to Ephesians 2:7-- "God knows everything about you, yet he doesn't hold back his kindness toward you. Has he, knowing all your secrets, retracted one promise or reclaimed one gift? No, he is kind to you. Why don't you be kind to yourself? He forgives your faults. Why don't you do the same? ...He believes in you enough to call you his ambassador, his follower, even his child. Why not take his cue and believe in yourself?"
I might be wiggling and screaming at Him, I'M NOT YOUR TEDDY. I'M NOT YOUR SON. YOU DON'T WANT ME, but that just makes Him hold me tighter and whisper, Beloved what do I have to do to make you understand? When I look at you I do see my Son. And I do want you. All of you. Just as you are. My Hands are holding you.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Everlasting
I don't want autumn to be over. It's my favorite season. It's so great to hit the ground running after a summer away. To learn again in the classroom. To be with friends again. To implement all the plans that we came up with for our InterVarsity chapter over the summertime. To break out the jeans and sweaters. To have pumpkin flavored drinks and apple-scented candles. To walk down campus and see the beautiful reds and oranges and browns contrasted against the deep scarlet bricks.
I left for Thanksgiving break and there were still the dazzling colored leaves lining College Ave and when I returned to Fredericksburg, they were gone. The leaves had all fallen. The trees were bare.
Winter is approaching.
I've never been a fan of winter. I don't like the cold and I don't like having nothing to do for a month. If you ask me, it isn't necessarily the prettiest time of year outdoors, either.
But this year, I'm embracing it.
The wonderful autumn colors have faded. The leaves have all fallen. My beautiful environment disappeared before my very eyes.
But... Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades.
I was in this season of activity--of changing colors and new school years. Now I'm entering a season of waiting and growing under the surface.
A season
of
rest
and
falling
deeper
in love
with
Jesus.
The past month of my life was filled with me wrestling God. I didn't want to let go of this season of activity. I didn't want to push the brakes and slow down, even though He was calling me to do so. But what I've come to realize is that the seasons are always changing. I am being called into a slow winter now, but that just means that spring is coming next. He will use the new that He's worked in me during this slow season to produce abundant life and fresh activity in the future. Jesus doesn't want me to fight Him in the winter. He simply wants me. All of me.
I am living the greatest love story ever written.
It's not always about being active. Sometimes it's being still and just being with God. Allowing myself to be loved by Him. Allowing myself to love Him. And only Him. Above all else.
When you turn the lights out in the room, that is when the candle gives a transfixing glow. That is when the candle lights up the whole room and you are not only amazed at it's beauty, but in awe at how a tiny light can illuminate everything in the room.
I am grateful for the fallen leaves because it is when my environment is not ideal that the light of Jesus shines through brighter and more stable than I ever knew it could be.
The joy of being still in His presence is unexplainable. I painted this today while I just rested in these thoughts and brought them to Him. He craves times like these, when His daughter just wants to be with Him. And I'm embracing the fact that the next year and a half of my life will be filled with times like these. This season is dedicated to me growing in my relationship and knowledge of Christ. It is dedicated to me slowly learning how to implement the gifts He's given me. It is dedicated to me living out more of this radical love story. He is the beginning and the end. He is Holy beyond comprehension. He is everlasting.
He. is. love.
I left for Thanksgiving break and there were still the dazzling colored leaves lining College Ave and when I returned to Fredericksburg, they were gone. The leaves had all fallen. The trees were bare.
Winter is approaching.
I've never been a fan of winter. I don't like the cold and I don't like having nothing to do for a month. If you ask me, it isn't necessarily the prettiest time of year outdoors, either.
But this year, I'm embracing it.
The wonderful autumn colors have faded. The leaves have all fallen. My beautiful environment disappeared before my very eyes.
But... Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades.
I was in this season of activity--of changing colors and new school years. Now I'm entering a season of waiting and growing under the surface.
A season
of
rest
and
falling
deeper
in love
with
Jesus.
The past month of my life was filled with me wrestling God. I didn't want to let go of this season of activity. I didn't want to push the brakes and slow down, even though He was calling me to do so. But what I've come to realize is that the seasons are always changing. I am being called into a slow winter now, but that just means that spring is coming next. He will use the new that He's worked in me during this slow season to produce abundant life and fresh activity in the future. Jesus doesn't want me to fight Him in the winter. He simply wants me. All of me.
I am living the greatest love story ever written.
It's not always about being active. Sometimes it's being still and just being with God. Allowing myself to be loved by Him. Allowing myself to love Him. And only Him. Above all else.
When you turn the lights out in the room, that is when the candle gives a transfixing glow. That is when the candle lights up the whole room and you are not only amazed at it's beauty, but in awe at how a tiny light can illuminate everything in the room.
I am grateful for the fallen leaves because it is when my environment is not ideal that the light of Jesus shines through brighter and more stable than I ever knew it could be.
 |
| Everlasting--Your light will shine when all else fades |
He. is. love.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Go Cowboys
Yesterday we spent Thanksgiving at my aunt and uncle's house. My cousin Bryan was shouting at the TV, while his children Chase (age 4) and Paige (age 2) were running around in Cowboys outfits, cheering on their dad's team. Chase sort of understands the concept of football and knows that if he wants his dad to be in a good mood, the Cowboys better win.
Paige on the other hand... she's just a naive little toddler. She spent the evening bouncing around in the world's most adorable Cowboys cheer leading dress-- not understanding what a football even is, let alone why our family is currently fixated on the television. All she knows is that her dad threw this outfit on her and that he occasionally jumps up from the couch clapping and shouting his team's name. She knows that her dad has been teaching her to say "Go Cowboys" instead of the "Go Packers" that her Uncle Sean has been trying to get her to learn. And she knows that when she says the phrase correctly, it gets everyone's attention in the room and all of the grown-ups clap for her.
She has no idea why she's supposed to say it, but she'll do anything to please her dad.
One moment she was wearing her cute little leopard-print Thanksgiving party dress and the next she was clothed as her father's daughter (Galatians 3:26-27). According to her new garments, she is a Cowboys fan... and she needs to start living up to that expectation. So she will throw a football around the room with her brother, yell "Go Cowboys" when the time is appropriate, and be still when they lose a game. She will do things to please her father, even if it makes zero sense to her in the process.
The best part about being an obedient child? You are always at peace.
I'm a person with insomnia. I've had sleep issues for the majority of my adolescent/adult life and I've never been able to pinpoint exactly why. So when people can fall asleep just about anywhere and in a matter of minutes, it astounds me. But I had never seen anything so amazing as when toward the end of the evening, we all looked over and found that Paige had fallen asleep while trying to see the movie my sister was watching on the iPad.
Feet dangling off of the chair... head placed on an awkward "pillow"... it looked uncomfortable to say the very least. But she was sound asleep. She was satisfied from pleasing her father and cuddled up in the outfit that was put on her. It didn't matter that the family was still talking (rather loudly, I mean hello we're all from Jersey).. it didn't matter that she didn't get to see the end of the movie.. and it sure didn't matter that she was in an extremely uncomfortable position.
That's the thing about living your life for your Father, it doesn't matter what's going on externally because it is an inner peace.
She knew the night would end on a good note because the Cowboys won and she did her part in that task. She didn't need to know the end of the movie, she could always watch it another day.
We don't always know how the small things will turn out in our lives, but we know that in the end our Father's team WILL be victorious. So we need to do our part in the here and now. We need to do what He asks of us, even if it seems silly in our naive, child-like minds at the time. And when we eagerly comply the angels will cheer and Jesus will smile and we will be safe in our Father's arms forever. Your daughter is here and willing, Lord.
(Go Cowboys.)
Paige on the other hand... she's just a naive little toddler. She spent the evening bouncing around in the world's most adorable Cowboys cheer leading dress-- not understanding what a football even is, let alone why our family is currently fixated on the television. All she knows is that her dad threw this outfit on her and that he occasionally jumps up from the couch clapping and shouting his team's name. She knows that her dad has been teaching her to say "Go Cowboys" instead of the "Go Packers" that her Uncle Sean has been trying to get her to learn. And she knows that when she says the phrase correctly, it gets everyone's attention in the room and all of the grown-ups clap for her.
She has no idea why she's supposed to say it, but she'll do anything to please her dad.
One moment she was wearing her cute little leopard-print Thanksgiving party dress and the next she was clothed as her father's daughter (Galatians 3:26-27). According to her new garments, she is a Cowboys fan... and she needs to start living up to that expectation. So she will throw a football around the room with her brother, yell "Go Cowboys" when the time is appropriate, and be still when they lose a game. She will do things to please her father, even if it makes zero sense to her in the process.
The best part about being an obedient child? You are always at peace.
I'm a person with insomnia. I've had sleep issues for the majority of my adolescent/adult life and I've never been able to pinpoint exactly why. So when people can fall asleep just about anywhere and in a matter of minutes, it astounds me. But I had never seen anything so amazing as when toward the end of the evening, we all looked over and found that Paige had fallen asleep while trying to see the movie my sister was watching on the iPad.
Feet dangling off of the chair... head placed on an awkward "pillow"... it looked uncomfortable to say the very least. But she was sound asleep. She was satisfied from pleasing her father and cuddled up in the outfit that was put on her. It didn't matter that the family was still talking (rather loudly, I mean hello we're all from Jersey).. it didn't matter that she didn't get to see the end of the movie.. and it sure didn't matter that she was in an extremely uncomfortable position.
That's the thing about living your life for your Father, it doesn't matter what's going on externally because it is an inner peace.
She knew the night would end on a good note because the Cowboys won and she did her part in that task. She didn't need to know the end of the movie, she could always watch it another day.
We don't always know how the small things will turn out in our lives, but we know that in the end our Father's team WILL be victorious. So we need to do our part in the here and now. We need to do what He asks of us, even if it seems silly in our naive, child-like minds at the time. And when we eagerly comply the angels will cheer and Jesus will smile and we will be safe in our Father's arms forever. Your daughter is here and willing, Lord.
(Go Cowboys.)
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving!!
I am at peace.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18--
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Jesus, I am so thankful for the season of life that you have me in. I am looking forward to next year, where I can build up my leadership skills and take the time to develop before applying for staff. THAT is Your will and so for this I am grateful. And I am at peace. FINALLY. I am ecstatic to have the opportunity to participate in the way You transform lives on college campuses, be it by volunteering or being on staff.
I'm thankful for the fellowship that I have at school and this amazing senior year that You've provided for me. I live with five of the greatest and most Godly women I've ever met. It's such a priveledge to spend each day with them and see how You are moving in their lives. I'm grateful for the health of our IV chapter. We have such a solid leadership team that is ready to make a difference on our campus.
I'm thankful to have a lighter course load this year and to be able to learn and grow on this amazing research team that you have me on. I've not only been able to learn knowledge on this team but life-skills, as well. I'm so grateful that I finally found my niche in school--Jesus learning about the brain is. so. my. thing.
I'm thankful for the fellowship that I also now have at home. I love my church and the people in it. I'm grateful for the opportunities You provide for me to witness to my dad and sister. Jesus just change their hearts to yearn for You only.
Most importantly, I'm thankful for the cross. To be able to come to You as I am. To be able to call You "Abba." To be able to pray for my campus and my family is such a gift because I don't deserve to ask You for anything. But regardless, You so eagerly want me to. To be continually forgiven and loved even when I mess up time and time again. G.R.A.C.E. I am thankful that You are love and I am so very grateful that You pursued me and changed my heart to understand that Truth. In conversations this week I've learned that some people (very close to me) don't understand how deep You love them. To be able to understand grace and love and mercy and forgiveness and this relationship... that comprehension comes only from Your Spirit. And so I thank You for giving that to me. I am thankful that You are more than enough for me.
I am thankful to be Your daughter.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18--
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Jesus, I am so thankful for the season of life that you have me in. I am looking forward to next year, where I can build up my leadership skills and take the time to develop before applying for staff. THAT is Your will and so for this I am grateful. And I am at peace. FINALLY. I am ecstatic to have the opportunity to participate in the way You transform lives on college campuses, be it by volunteering or being on staff.
I'm thankful for the fellowship that I have at school and this amazing senior year that You've provided for me. I live with five of the greatest and most Godly women I've ever met. It's such a priveledge to spend each day with them and see how You are moving in their lives. I'm grateful for the health of our IV chapter. We have such a solid leadership team that is ready to make a difference on our campus.
 |
| Such a privilege to lead with these rockstars this year |
I'm thankful to have a lighter course load this year and to be able to learn and grow on this amazing research team that you have me on. I've not only been able to learn knowledge on this team but life-skills, as well. I'm so grateful that I finally found my niche in school--Jesus learning about the brain is. so. my. thing.
I'm thankful for the fellowship that I also now have at home. I love my church and the people in it. I'm grateful for the opportunities You provide for me to witness to my dad and sister. Jesus just change their hearts to yearn for You only.
Most importantly, I'm thankful for the cross. To be able to come to You as I am. To be able to call You "Abba." To be able to pray for my campus and my family is such a gift because I don't deserve to ask You for anything. But regardless, You so eagerly want me to. To be continually forgiven and loved even when I mess up time and time again. G.R.A.C.E. I am thankful that You are love and I am so very grateful that You pursued me and changed my heart to understand that Truth. In conversations this week I've learned that some people (very close to me) don't understand how deep You love them. To be able to understand grace and love and mercy and forgiveness and this relationship... that comprehension comes only from Your Spirit. And so I thank You for giving that to me. I am thankful that You are more than enough for me.
I am thankful to be Your daughter.
Monday, November 21, 2011
When Simultaneous Occurances Conflict
This weekend was our area's fall conference for InterVarsity called EVA. It was filled with the kind of laughter I had not experienced in a long time--the kind that causes you to not even be able to breathe or speak. It was also filled with tears that were so uncontrollable that I frequently found myself breaking down in front of strangers. It was an emotional roller coaster in every sense of the term. Up and down, up and down. Blending together the joy that I have when I'm in a track learning about Jesus and the sorrow I have when a passion that God has put on my heart is unattainable for the time being. It was the first time since I've gotten saved that my eyes were really opened to seeing the true joy of Christ in my life through the pain that sometimes comes. We sang this song at EVA and it spoke wonders to me--
O joy that seeks me through the pain, I cannot close my heart to Thee. I chase the rainbow through the rain and feel the promise is not vain that mourn shall tearless be.
This weekend I stood, staring at a closed door while I distinctly heard the Lord tell me, Beloved, you will walk through that door one day.
How is that possible, Lord? I was standing on the porch this weekend after the door had shut rather abruptly, watching the people that had gone before me inside the house. I was completely submerged in what a future in this area on staff looks like, not only watching them do their jobs but talking to multiple staff workers about it. Yet I was standing--heartbroken--just staring and listening with that door blocking me. I just want to go inside, Jesus, I whispered. I just want this decision to be changed.
But that's not reality.
So how was it that while I was leaning hopelessly against the door I heard Jesus more distinctly than ever tell me that I shouldn't worry. I felt such a burning passion this weekend and I heard confirmation from the Lord that He has put this passion in my heart and He will see it through.
But I'm so confused how this is even possible because I'm staring at a closed door.
In Luke 1:5-25 Zechariah is told that he and his wife will have a child (John the Baptist) even though his wife has been barren for many years and they are both old. In verse 18 Zechariah says, "How can I be sure of this?" and he learns in a rather difficult way to not question this promise from the Lord but to remain faithful.
Sometimes circumstances seem impossible and bleak. Sometimes we doubt that it will work out in our favor. But God is always moving. God is always at work.
Maybe I'll be in a different region. Maybe I'll go on staff in a couple of years. But regardless of how I walk through that door I know that I will be inside one day. I feel this call at too powerful of a degree for this to not be the case. The passion I have for college students has definitely been given to me by the Lord and I know that my career will somehow take me to whichever campus I'm meant to be at.
One day I will rejoice and say, "The Lord has done this for me" (Luke 1:25).
O joy that seeks me through the pain, I cannot close my heart to Thee. I chase the rainbow through the rain and feel the promise is not vain that mourn shall tearless be.
This weekend I stood, staring at a closed door while I distinctly heard the Lord tell me, Beloved, you will walk through that door one day.
How is that possible, Lord? I was standing on the porch this weekend after the door had shut rather abruptly, watching the people that had gone before me inside the house. I was completely submerged in what a future in this area on staff looks like, not only watching them do their jobs but talking to multiple staff workers about it. Yet I was standing--heartbroken--just staring and listening with that door blocking me. I just want to go inside, Jesus, I whispered. I just want this decision to be changed.
But that's not reality.
So how was it that while I was leaning hopelessly against the door I heard Jesus more distinctly than ever tell me that I shouldn't worry. I felt such a burning passion this weekend and I heard confirmation from the Lord that He has put this passion in my heart and He will see it through.
But I'm so confused how this is even possible because I'm staring at a closed door.
In Luke 1:5-25 Zechariah is told that he and his wife will have a child (John the Baptist) even though his wife has been barren for many years and they are both old. In verse 18 Zechariah says, "How can I be sure of this?" and he learns in a rather difficult way to not question this promise from the Lord but to remain faithful.
Sometimes circumstances seem impossible and bleak. Sometimes we doubt that it will work out in our favor. But God is always moving. God is always at work.
Maybe I'll be in a different region. Maybe I'll go on staff in a couple of years. But regardless of how I walk through that door I know that I will be inside one day. I feel this call at too powerful of a degree for this to not be the case. The passion I have for college students has definitely been given to me by the Lord and I know that my career will somehow take me to whichever campus I'm meant to be at.
One day I will rejoice and say, "The Lord has done this for me" (Luke 1:25).
Monday, November 7, 2011
Tie Dye
Tie dying a shirt isn't a one step deal. It's a process.
The child begins this process with a white shirt. Clean. New. Ready to be splattered by inspiration.
But then it gets crumpled up. The child rolls it and folds it. At first this is done in a neat and orderly swirling process. But when it comes time to add the rubber bands, somehow the shirt becomes crinkled. The sleeves get shoved into awkward nooks in the fabric. And the whole thing sort of takes on a bent curve because the rubber bands are pulling it in too tight.
It is just too tight. It's suffocating the poor material. And the chains aren't letting go anytime soon.
Then the shirt is SPLATTERED with dye. Yellow. Red. Blue. The child attempts to add the colors with a plan in mind: one in each "triangle" that the rubber bands have formed. But the triangles are being pulled tighter and tighter into the center and the colors are meshing in weird places. Parts of the shirt look black from spots where all of the three primary colors have mixed together. Not bright and beautiful. Just black. Dark with use. Dark with experience. Dark with a past that seems impossible to wash away.
I shouldn't have put that red in that corner. I should have saved it for the sleeve that's still looking pretty bland. Cursing herself for adding color when it already looked good. I should have stopped when it seemed ready. An artist's worst nightmare.
Cursing herself for running out of dye to finish the sleeves. I didn't have enough time. I didn't have enough resources. And now it's too late. The red is gone.
What the child didn't know was that her Father was monitoring her every move. He knew about the chains she put on the shirt. He knew about the spots where too much color--too many experiences--were mushed into the fabric.
He knew that regardless of the mess she made out of it, He could work with whatever sloppy pile of cotton she handed Him. And He would use the colors she chose and the patterns of rubber bands she tied it with to change it into a masterpiece.
The next step in the process is that the black, wet, sloppy mess must sit for 24 hours. It can't touch anything around it because the dye will rub off and infect it's environment. Like a disease. So it sits. Alone. Soaking wet in an old Target bag, waiting for the arbitrary time period to be over. The Father was in charge of how long it had to sit and wait. He had to keep telling His daughter that it wasn't time yet, even though she was so jumpy to just get going. The child waits for her Father to nod and say, "It is time."
That's when the Father picks up the dirty pile and runs it under cold water. He takes off the rubber bands, setting the shirt free from its chains. He rinses it as He watches the excess dye run down the drain. Doing away with the areas that had those dark color vortexes. Doing away with the areas that were soiled with the wrong choices.
And when it comes out of the wash it's bright. And perfect. It retains just the right amount of each color because it was able to sit for those precious 24 hours
Waiting on Him in periods of darkness and uncertainty is frustrating. Every minute passes slower than the last.
The shirt had waited for so long in those chains. It had waited for so long in those puddles of dark dye. It had waited for so long wondering, "When will the Father release me from this mess? Where are You in all of this? Please rescue me."
And then a soft whimper, "Please rescue me even though I don't deserve it."
And when the Father finishes washing the excess dye down the drain He smiles and says,
"You are perfect because I broke your chains and washed you clean. You are perfect because I released you from the darkness after the appropriate amount of time."
He pulls it over His daughter's head and whispers, "You are perfect because you are Mine."
The child begins this process with a white shirt. Clean. New. Ready to be splattered by inspiration.
But then it gets crumpled up. The child rolls it and folds it. At first this is done in a neat and orderly swirling process. But when it comes time to add the rubber bands, somehow the shirt becomes crinkled. The sleeves get shoved into awkward nooks in the fabric. And the whole thing sort of takes on a bent curve because the rubber bands are pulling it in too tight.
It is just too tight. It's suffocating the poor material. And the chains aren't letting go anytime soon.
Then the shirt is SPLATTERED with dye. Yellow. Red. Blue. The child attempts to add the colors with a plan in mind: one in each "triangle" that the rubber bands have formed. But the triangles are being pulled tighter and tighter into the center and the colors are meshing in weird places. Parts of the shirt look black from spots where all of the three primary colors have mixed together. Not bright and beautiful. Just black. Dark with use. Dark with experience. Dark with a past that seems impossible to wash away.
I shouldn't have put that red in that corner. I should have saved it for the sleeve that's still looking pretty bland. Cursing herself for adding color when it already looked good. I should have stopped when it seemed ready. An artist's worst nightmare.
Cursing herself for running out of dye to finish the sleeves. I didn't have enough time. I didn't have enough resources. And now it's too late. The red is gone.
What the child didn't know was that her Father was monitoring her every move. He knew about the chains she put on the shirt. He knew about the spots where too much color--too many experiences--were mushed into the fabric.
He knew that regardless of the mess she made out of it, He could work with whatever sloppy pile of cotton she handed Him. And He would use the colors she chose and the patterns of rubber bands she tied it with to change it into a masterpiece.
The next step in the process is that the black, wet, sloppy mess must sit for 24 hours. It can't touch anything around it because the dye will rub off and infect it's environment. Like a disease. So it sits. Alone. Soaking wet in an old Target bag, waiting for the arbitrary time period to be over. The Father was in charge of how long it had to sit and wait. He had to keep telling His daughter that it wasn't time yet, even though she was so jumpy to just get going. The child waits for her Father to nod and say, "It is time."
That's when the Father picks up the dirty pile and runs it under cold water. He takes off the rubber bands, setting the shirt free from its chains. He rinses it as He watches the excess dye run down the drain. Doing away with the areas that had those dark color vortexes. Doing away with the areas that were soiled with the wrong choices.
And when it comes out of the wash it's bright. And perfect. It retains just the right amount of each color because it was able to sit for those precious 24 hours
Waiting on Him in periods of darkness and uncertainty is frustrating. Every minute passes slower than the last.
The shirt had waited for so long in those chains. It had waited for so long in those puddles of dark dye. It had waited for so long wondering, "When will the Father release me from this mess? Where are You in all of this? Please rescue me."
And then a soft whimper, "Please rescue me even though I don't deserve it."
And when the Father finishes washing the excess dye down the drain He smiles and says,
"You are perfect because I broke your chains and washed you clean. You are perfect because I released you from the darkness after the appropriate amount of time."
He pulls it over His daughter's head and whispers, "You are perfect because you are Mine."
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Hitting a Speed Bump
If you don't watch the show Parenthood, you should.
On a recent episode Crosby and Adam decided to open up a music recording studio. They rushed to get their first artist in, working through the night for several days to have the studio up and running on time. However, after a day of recording, the artist was unsatisfied and it seemed that they no longer had his business.
On a recent episode Crosby and Adam decided to open up a music recording studio. They rushed to get their first artist in, working through the night for several days to have the studio up and running on time. However, after a day of recording, the artist was unsatisfied and it seemed that they no longer had his business.
Adam said, "Alright well, so that's it then... We’ll get other musicians in here to record. We weren’t ready. But you know what we did? Gave it our all. That’s all anybody can do. Ever. Learn from your mistakes. We hit a little bump."
Sometimes things don't always go the way we had anticipated. Sometimes we think we're going to be ready--we think we are ready--because the past several days (or years) have been on fast-forward in our lives. Sometimes God is asking us to slow down. Sometimes it's unwise to jump right into things.
And when the answer comes that we didn't want to hear all we can do is sigh and say, "So that's it then." There's nothing we can do to change it because we gave it our all. But just because we hit a bump doesn't mean the journey is over.
Speed bumps are placed there to get us to slow down.
Usually speed bumps are bright and yellow and we see them coming from yards away. But sometimes they are just black with tiny white lines and we hit them going full speed (if you're in a hurry or from Jersey anyway haha) and they come as a shock to us.
 |
| easy to see |
 |
| hard to see |
They literally FORCE us to slow down. Even if we didn't see them coming. Even if the timing wasn't ideal in our minds.
The timing is ideal for God. And that's all that matters. God places speed bumps strategically. Nothing is done without reason.
"Alright well, so that's it then... Learn from your mistakes."
I'm ready to learn. I'm ready to grow. I'm ready to be taught. Even if the car is going 10mph over a speed bump. Even if my life is in slow motion for the next year and a half.
Even if the end result still isn't what I want it to be. It's what God wants it to be.
And really, that's all that matters anyway.
Jesus is in control of not only the car we're in, but the road we're on. Bring on the speed bumps. Bring on the sharp turns. Bring on the open road when we are ready to go full speed.
Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you (Job 22:21).
Monday, October 31, 2011
"It's just emotions takin me over"
For my readers that have been following my latest blogs on "the staff decision"... the waiting saga continues...
The past couple of weeks have been so very emotionally and spiritually draining. There is never a dull moment when I'm dealing with a string of sleepless nights and spiritual warfare. I thought that today was going to mark the end of the fourteen day waiting period... but I was sadly mistaken. Thus, I'm still waiting for an answer. Today I tried my best to contain my emotions, but they were ripping me apart from the inside out, yearning to break free. When I got home this evening I knew that I needed to talk to someone that would offer me biblical advice and an ear. Someone that already understood my situation without me having to say much. And so I called my old staff worker. I think I was able to sputter out two very incomplete sentences, and from that he knew exactly what I was feeling and told me exactly what I needed to hear. I tried to suppress my crying while I was talking on the phone--so the tears flowed down my face without me making a peep. Painful silence echoing through my room. I didn't talk. I just listened. What I was feeling was conveyed to Rob in a few simple words and the Lord used him to calm me down tonight.
We hung up and I turned over on my bed, pressing my face into my pillow. I muffled my cries that came so hard my entire body shook with convulsions. I also had a pretty intense cry-fest on the phone with Robin four days ago. Until this week, I haven't sobbed this much or this hard in a long, long time. These emotional train wrecks are becoming way too consistent in my life lately.
Maybe in the grand scheme of things this isn't that big of a deal. But for the current moment in my life, this is a big deal. And Satan has been going at me the entire time. I feel like I'm tied to a tree and he is just throwing one punch after another. The devil is using this to get under my skin in so many different areas of my life. On top of it all I haven't slept well in two weeks due to my anxiety, which is making me ultra sensitive. Sometimes I just wish my mom was here so that I could call her and sort out my thoughts with her. I leave myself to bottle it inside until I explode to some poor soul on the phone because it feels like for the past 14 days I've been crying out to God with no response. I just need a response from You, Lord. What are you trying to teach me in all of this?
GOD, WHERE ARE YOU IN ALL OF THIS?
Do not be discouraged, Beloved, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)
Yes, but Lord I can't see you in this. I can't FEEL you in this. The emotions have turned to physical pain inside of me. I just want this battle to end.
The battle is already won, My child. Submit to Me and Satan will flee from you. (James 4:7)
Jesus this is so hard.
I know. But you are precious and honored in my sight. And I love you. (Isaiah 43:4)
Tonight we discussed in small group John 2:1-11 when Jesus changes water into wine. God spoke to me while reading it in a way that He had never done before in this passage (love it when He does that). The disciples only put their faith in Him AFTER He turned the water into wine (v.11). Which means that when Jesus requested the jars to be filled with water, they had no idea why. But they went along with it anyway. It was only after the fact--after they reluctantly followed Jesus in whatever He led them to do--that their faith was strengthened and His Glory revealed.
Maybe right now I can't see Jesus in the mess of my emotions and in the middle of this spiritual battle. But I will continue to call out to Him and follow Him wherever He leads me, even if it makes zero sense to me in the process. Because my hope is in Christ that when all is said and done I will know why He led me down this strenuous path and will be grateful for the amazing growth it's done for my walk with Him.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast (1 Peter 5:10).
Until then though... I'm stuck waiting here in the tough part.
The past couple of weeks have been so very emotionally and spiritually draining. There is never a dull moment when I'm dealing with a string of sleepless nights and spiritual warfare. I thought that today was going to mark the end of the fourteen day waiting period... but I was sadly mistaken. Thus, I'm still waiting for an answer. Today I tried my best to contain my emotions, but they were ripping me apart from the inside out, yearning to break free. When I got home this evening I knew that I needed to talk to someone that would offer me biblical advice and an ear. Someone that already understood my situation without me having to say much. And so I called my old staff worker. I think I was able to sputter out two very incomplete sentences, and from that he knew exactly what I was feeling and told me exactly what I needed to hear. I tried to suppress my crying while I was talking on the phone--so the tears flowed down my face without me making a peep. Painful silence echoing through my room. I didn't talk. I just listened. What I was feeling was conveyed to Rob in a few simple words and the Lord used him to calm me down tonight.
We hung up and I turned over on my bed, pressing my face into my pillow. I muffled my cries that came so hard my entire body shook with convulsions. I also had a pretty intense cry-fest on the phone with Robin four days ago. Until this week, I haven't sobbed this much or this hard in a long, long time. These emotional train wrecks are becoming way too consistent in my life lately.
Maybe in the grand scheme of things this isn't that big of a deal. But for the current moment in my life, this is a big deal. And Satan has been going at me the entire time. I feel like I'm tied to a tree and he is just throwing one punch after another. The devil is using this to get under my skin in so many different areas of my life. On top of it all I haven't slept well in two weeks due to my anxiety, which is making me ultra sensitive. Sometimes I just wish my mom was here so that I could call her and sort out my thoughts with her. I leave myself to bottle it inside until I explode to some poor soul on the phone because it feels like for the past 14 days I've been crying out to God with no response. I just need a response from You, Lord. What are you trying to teach me in all of this?
GOD, WHERE ARE YOU IN ALL OF THIS?
Do not be discouraged, Beloved, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)
Yes, but Lord I can't see you in this. I can't FEEL you in this. The emotions have turned to physical pain inside of me. I just want this battle to end.
The battle is already won, My child. Submit to Me and Satan will flee from you. (James 4:7)
Jesus this is so hard.
I know. But you are precious and honored in my sight. And I love you. (Isaiah 43:4)
Tonight we discussed in small group John 2:1-11 when Jesus changes water into wine. God spoke to me while reading it in a way that He had never done before in this passage (love it when He does that). The disciples only put their faith in Him AFTER He turned the water into wine (v.11). Which means that when Jesus requested the jars to be filled with water, they had no idea why. But they went along with it anyway. It was only after the fact--after they reluctantly followed Jesus in whatever He led them to do--that their faith was strengthened and His Glory revealed.
Maybe right now I can't see Jesus in the mess of my emotions and in the middle of this spiritual battle. But I will continue to call out to Him and follow Him wherever He leads me, even if it makes zero sense to me in the process. Because my hope is in Christ that when all is said and done I will know why He led me down this strenuous path and will be grateful for the amazing growth it's done for my walk with Him.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast (1 Peter 5:10).
Until then though... I'm stuck waiting here in the tough part.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Desire Series
Hey readers :)
My friend Aletheia (and fellow ENFJ!) is an amazing blogger (www.accordingtoaletheia.com) and is doing a blog series on desire right now. She asked a bunch of us to submit blogs on this topic and post as guests to her site.
Soooo to read my latest entry click here! It's called "Wanting more than Liking."
My friend Aletheia (and fellow ENFJ!) is an amazing blogger (www.accordingtoaletheia.com) and is doing a blog series on desire right now. She asked a bunch of us to submit blogs on this topic and post as guests to her site.
Soooo to read my latest entry click here! It's called "Wanting more than Liking."
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Casting Lots
You know that feeling when you take a test in school and you are really unsure about how you did? Some answers you feel like you nailed and others you may have blown completely. And when you turn it in you just want an immediate result. Did you fail? Did you pass? And if you passed was it with a C- or an A+? But your teacher tells you it will take her two weeks to grade them. Two whole weeks. You just want to know the result--whether its good or bad--and waiting for fourteen days seems absurd. You want to scream or cry or maybe even go to her office hours and try to get a sense of how you did. But there's nothing you can do. You handed your test in. All you can do is wait. And at this point you might as well stop thinking about it because thinking will get you nowhere. So you pray those two weeks go by quickly.
That's where I am right now. Except it's not with a test grade. I'm waiting to hear back about round one of the application process for a post-graduation job.
Waiting. That's what the Lord is calling me to do for the next two weeks. To wait. That's a hard thing for me. I just want to take action. I'm good at taking action. I'm content when I'm busy and productive. But there is nothing else I can do except to pray and wait. I need to stop thinking about it because not knowing is DRIVING. ME. CRAZY.
The hardest part in this process is trusting that God is sovereign. We say this a lot-- but saying that and knowing it in my head is a lot more challenging than actually believing it and living it out. I know this position is something I am called to. Jesus has given me a heart for college ministry and I will continue to pursue that until He tells me otherwise. However, even if I have confirmation from the Lord that this is the path He wants for me, His timing might not be my timing. The answer (for now) may be a no and if that's the case then I need to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing during that "in-between season" in my life.
But Jesus has it all under control. He not only has the best interest of the ministry and the various colleges in mind, but He has my best interest in mind, as well. And above all else, He has His Will in mind. He will make sure the right things happen at the right time, in light of what is best for His Kingdom. What is best for spreading the Gospel.
The Lord reigns. And He is sovereign.
I'm doing a Beth Moore study right now on the book of Esther. In Chapter 3, the king and his men decided they were going to kill all of the Jews. The timing of when the Jewish people received the news that all of them were going to be killed seemed terrible to them (for they received the edict on the first day of Passover... Can you imagine getting a letter Christmas morning telling your family that you were going to be annihilated in 11 months?). But God's hand was controlling the timing-- He planned for it to be during His Holy holiday.
More importantly, the king and his men determined the time of year that they were going to begin the genocide by casting lots (much like the rolling of dice). The timing seemed to the royal men as chance (for it was all done by just rolling a few clay cubes). But it wasn't by chance; God's hand was controlling it.
Proverbs 16:33 says, "The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD." There is no such thing as chance or luck when you are dealing with a sovereign God.
And so I need to trust that no matter what the answer is about this job--whether its what I want to hear or not--that it will be a good answer. Because it will be a God-given answer. God's timing is perfect. God's plan for my life is perfect. God will strategically open the doors when they are meant to be opened and close the doors when they are meant to be closed. If it is decided by the Lord then the decision is good.
Beth Moore wrote:
I don't know exactly how God perfects plans that seem so bleak to us in process, but these two things I know: He never takes His eyes off of us or off the clock ticking over us. I am praying right now that the lesson we have before us greatly encourages you to believe both of those things today. Sweet One, God loves you so. He is hard at work in your life, and the same eye that's on the sparrow is on the wristwatch.
Oh, Beth. Thanks for the prayers, sister. Because I really need them right now.
Lord help me believe that you have all things under control. Help me feel content and satisfied in knowing that Proverbs 16:33 is true.
That's where I am right now. Except it's not with a test grade. I'm waiting to hear back about round one of the application process for a post-graduation job.
Waiting. That's what the Lord is calling me to do for the next two weeks. To wait. That's a hard thing for me. I just want to take action. I'm good at taking action. I'm content when I'm busy and productive. But there is nothing else I can do except to pray and wait. I need to stop thinking about it because not knowing is DRIVING. ME. CRAZY.
The hardest part in this process is trusting that God is sovereign. We say this a lot-- but saying that and knowing it in my head is a lot more challenging than actually believing it and living it out. I know this position is something I am called to. Jesus has given me a heart for college ministry and I will continue to pursue that until He tells me otherwise. However, even if I have confirmation from the Lord that this is the path He wants for me, His timing might not be my timing. The answer (for now) may be a no and if that's the case then I need to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing during that "in-between season" in my life.
But Jesus has it all under control. He not only has the best interest of the ministry and the various colleges in mind, but He has my best interest in mind, as well. And above all else, He has His Will in mind. He will make sure the right things happen at the right time, in light of what is best for His Kingdom. What is best for spreading the Gospel.
The Lord reigns. And He is sovereign.
I'm doing a Beth Moore study right now on the book of Esther. In Chapter 3, the king and his men decided they were going to kill all of the Jews. The timing of when the Jewish people received the news that all of them were going to be killed seemed terrible to them (for they received the edict on the first day of Passover... Can you imagine getting a letter Christmas morning telling your family that you were going to be annihilated in 11 months?). But God's hand was controlling the timing-- He planned for it to be during His Holy holiday.
More importantly, the king and his men determined the time of year that they were going to begin the genocide by casting lots (much like the rolling of dice). The timing seemed to the royal men as chance (for it was all done by just rolling a few clay cubes). But it wasn't by chance; God's hand was controlling it.
 |
| pur -- they used these cubes to cast lots |
Proverbs 16:33 says, "The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD." There is no such thing as chance or luck when you are dealing with a sovereign God.
And so I need to trust that no matter what the answer is about this job--whether its what I want to hear or not--that it will be a good answer. Because it will be a God-given answer. God's timing is perfect. God's plan for my life is perfect. God will strategically open the doors when they are meant to be opened and close the doors when they are meant to be closed. If it is decided by the Lord then the decision is good.
Beth Moore wrote:
I don't know exactly how God perfects plans that seem so bleak to us in process, but these two things I know: He never takes His eyes off of us or off the clock ticking over us. I am praying right now that the lesson we have before us greatly encourages you to believe both of those things today. Sweet One, God loves you so. He is hard at work in your life, and the same eye that's on the sparrow is on the wristwatch.
Oh, Beth. Thanks for the prayers, sister. Because I really need them right now.
Lord help me believe that you have all things under control. Help me feel content and satisfied in knowing that Proverbs 16:33 is true.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Back to Basics
I've been doing a lot of driving recently due to fall break. With a lot of driving comes a lot of music and when the iPod is on shuffle, songs are bound to come on that I didn't even know I owned. One song in particular struck me today.
Oh happy day, happy day, You washed my sin away. Oh happy day, happy day, I'll never be the same. Forever I am changed.
Wow. Just wow.
Oh happy day, happy day, You washed my sin away.
The first part of that refrain reminds me of the song "Amazing Grace." How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed.
My Bible is all marked up from the books I was reading through the first month or two after I got saved. I was trying to make sense of everything; salvation, grace, the Gospel, sanctification--these were all Christian terms with unknown meanings to me. At this point in my life, I trusted Jesus and had made the decision to follow Him, but I had to start understanding the lingo and processing what it all meant to apply it to my life. Ephesians 2:1-5 is blocked off in my Bible and labeled vertically down the side "grace." I remember marking this when I was on a quest to figure out what was actually meant by the word grace and I remember still being kind of confused at the time of me marking it. But I had hoped to come back to it later and figure it out some more.
I don't ever remember coming back to this passage to figure it out--I think the Holy Spirit just kind of opened my eyes to understand it one night ("sleeping on it" actually worked...). But I can't help and see this huge highlighted paragraph every time I turn to Ephesians. I remember thinking last year, "Wow I was so young in my faith... how did I not understand the concept of grace?!" But this year my Bible flipped open and my friend standing over my shoulder could see it and (though I didn't want to admit this at the time) I was a bit embarrassed that she read it. I was embarrassed for someone to see that at one point I didn't understand a concept as simple as grace. As someone (hopefully) going into ministry, I find myself frequently wanting to impress people with my understanding of Scripture and hiding the fact that I don't know as many Biblical stories as my friends that grew up in Christian homes. I even shy away from asking questions, which is absurd because none of us... even those that are pastors... have it all figured out. (But that is another entry for another day on my sinful nature and how I don't like not knowing the answers...) My friend said out loud and sort of to herself, "Grace. Grace. Ahh I love it. Grace."
That interaction with her made me flip open to that passage once again. Grace. Yes, that's it. Grace. And those few verses do an excellent job at summing it up. We were dead and living for ourselves and while we were still sinners Christ died for us. Only by this grace are we saved.
It is by being reminded of the "simple" concepts like grace and mercy that we are continually brought to our knees before our God. Yes it's awesome to research the meanings of words in Greek and Hebrew and look at parallels between the Old and New Testament. But we have to always be reminded at how great God's love is for us and how no matter what we do we constantly fall short. This is how we can be reminded of our need for a Savior. This is what will keep us from developing a "Pharisee mindset." We have to continually bring it back to basics.
How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed. The moment we realize how much we need a Savior and how Jesus wiped the debts clean of those who follow Him... that is the moment that we go right back to kneeling at the cross.
Oh happy day, happy day, You washed my sin away. Oh happy day, happy day, I'll never be the same. Forever I am changed.
The second part of the refrain reminded me of the David Crowder song "Glory of it All." Oh everything will change, things will never be the same. We will never be the same, we will never be the same, we will never be the same.
The moment you let Jesus into your heart everything changes. The pastor mentioned in church today how God will often use the "farthest ones" so that the world can look at their new heart and say, "yeah.. that HAS to be God because this person would not be like that on his/her own."
Me.
Robin once said to me that she was in shock when I got saved. The most Christian woman I know and one of the main people that prayed long-term for my salvation was in shock when I got saved. That's how far I was. As Christians we're not usually that shocked when someone gets saved, especially if we've been praying for that person for awhile. She said to me, "I now think... well if Alyssa Dembrowski could get saved anyone can."
.......
But I ain't fix myself, ain't turned myself around. I gave it up and told the Lord that He could have it now.
THIS ISN'T MY DOING. If there is ANYTHING you get from my testimony understand that Jesus is REAL and He is in the process of REDEEMING LIVES, even of those of us that are furthest from Him. I didn't just do "bad stuff." I didn't just have a "hardened heart." I was psychologically messed up. From the age of 6 until I got saved at 19. I mean messed up. And all of a sudden I wasn't.
This is the power of Christ in me.
I STILL jump for joy when I read Scripture and hear sermons and listen to songs about Jesus dying and conquering death for me. My heart STILL gets really light feeling and happy and I just want to run around the room in circles yelling "YESSSS thank You, Jesus!!!" It it only through Him that I may live. Things will never be the same.
When Jesus really changes your heart, you will never be the same. When you really understand grace and the power of His love, you will never be the same. When you really decide to live for Christ, you will never be the same. When you really get saved, you will never be the same.
Oh happy day, happy day, I'll never be the same. Forever I am changed.
Oh happy day, happy day, You washed my sin away. Oh happy day, happy day, I'll never be the same. Forever I am changed.
Wow. Just wow.
Oh happy day, happy day, You washed my sin away.
The first part of that refrain reminds me of the song "Amazing Grace." How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed.
My Bible is all marked up from the books I was reading through the first month or two after I got saved. I was trying to make sense of everything; salvation, grace, the Gospel, sanctification--these were all Christian terms with unknown meanings to me. At this point in my life, I trusted Jesus and had made the decision to follow Him, but I had to start understanding the lingo and processing what it all meant to apply it to my life. Ephesians 2:1-5 is blocked off in my Bible and labeled vertically down the side "grace." I remember marking this when I was on a quest to figure out what was actually meant by the word grace and I remember still being kind of confused at the time of me marking it. But I had hoped to come back to it later and figure it out some more.
I don't ever remember coming back to this passage to figure it out--I think the Holy Spirit just kind of opened my eyes to understand it one night ("sleeping on it" actually worked...). But I can't help and see this huge highlighted paragraph every time I turn to Ephesians. I remember thinking last year, "Wow I was so young in my faith... how did I not understand the concept of grace?!" But this year my Bible flipped open and my friend standing over my shoulder could see it and (though I didn't want to admit this at the time) I was a bit embarrassed that she read it. I was embarrassed for someone to see that at one point I didn't understand a concept as simple as grace. As someone (hopefully) going into ministry, I find myself frequently wanting to impress people with my understanding of Scripture and hiding the fact that I don't know as many Biblical stories as my friends that grew up in Christian homes. I even shy away from asking questions, which is absurd because none of us... even those that are pastors... have it all figured out. (But that is another entry for another day on my sinful nature and how I don't like not knowing the answers...) My friend said out loud and sort of to herself, "Grace. Grace. Ahh I love it. Grace."
That interaction with her made me flip open to that passage once again. Grace. Yes, that's it. Grace. And those few verses do an excellent job at summing it up. We were dead and living for ourselves and while we were still sinners Christ died for us. Only by this grace are we saved.
It is by being reminded of the "simple" concepts like grace and mercy that we are continually brought to our knees before our God. Yes it's awesome to research the meanings of words in Greek and Hebrew and look at parallels between the Old and New Testament. But we have to always be reminded at how great God's love is for us and how no matter what we do we constantly fall short. This is how we can be reminded of our need for a Savior. This is what will keep us from developing a "Pharisee mindset." We have to continually bring it back to basics.
How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed. The moment we realize how much we need a Savior and how Jesus wiped the debts clean of those who follow Him... that is the moment that we go right back to kneeling at the cross.
Oh happy day, happy day, You washed my sin away. Oh happy day, happy day, I'll never be the same. Forever I am changed.
The second part of the refrain reminded me of the David Crowder song "Glory of it All." Oh everything will change, things will never be the same. We will never be the same, we will never be the same, we will never be the same.
The moment you let Jesus into your heart everything changes. The pastor mentioned in church today how God will often use the "farthest ones" so that the world can look at their new heart and say, "yeah.. that HAS to be God because this person would not be like that on his/her own."
Me.
Robin once said to me that she was in shock when I got saved. The most Christian woman I know and one of the main people that prayed long-term for my salvation was in shock when I got saved. That's how far I was. As Christians we're not usually that shocked when someone gets saved, especially if we've been praying for that person for awhile. She said to me, "I now think... well if Alyssa Dembrowski could get saved anyone can."
.......
But I ain't fix myself, ain't turned myself around. I gave it up and told the Lord that He could have it now.
THIS ISN'T MY DOING. If there is ANYTHING you get from my testimony understand that Jesus is REAL and He is in the process of REDEEMING LIVES, even of those of us that are furthest from Him. I didn't just do "bad stuff." I didn't just have a "hardened heart." I was psychologically messed up. From the age of 6 until I got saved at 19. I mean messed up. And all of a sudden I wasn't.
This is the power of Christ in me.
I STILL jump for joy when I read Scripture and hear sermons and listen to songs about Jesus dying and conquering death for me. My heart STILL gets really light feeling and happy and I just want to run around the room in circles yelling "YESSSS thank You, Jesus!!!" It it only through Him that I may live. Things will never be the same.
When Jesus really changes your heart, you will never be the same. When you really understand grace and the power of His love, you will never be the same. When you really decide to live for Christ, you will never be the same. When you really get saved, you will never be the same.
Oh happy day, happy day, I'll never be the same. Forever I am changed.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Freedom Reigns
I am so happy I could cry. I am home. Home. HOME. The last time I was excited to be here was when my mom was still alive... I'm so glad to feel at peace here again. (Thank you Jesus for providing me with the FANTASTIC summer of 2011 which sparked this all.)
When I pulled into my driveway I was the only one home so I lugged my bags up the stairs and dropped them on my floor. As I was going up the steps I noticed the familiar smell that as a kid was so comforting to me. When we had been down the shore on vacation for a couple of weeks and finally came back to Ewing, the scent of our house was always so strong. I could only sense this when we had been away for a long period of time; it never hit my smell receptors quite as powerfully after I came home from school or play rehearsal. And it was unlike any other smell. It was scented with love. And family. And joy. And though I was always sad to face the reality that our vacation was over, I secretly adored the sensation because it filled my heart with comfort.
I smelled it last night. I inhaled deeply as I made my way up the steps. Home.
I had been on vacation for a long time and I was finally back home. Emotionally, I had been away from this place for two and a half years. My heart was always in Virginia. Yes, I miss my mom. Yes, my family situation is not ideal. But I was smiling from ear to ear when I walked in that door. I was happy to spend last night at the Downs' house. Happy to have gone out with Bean, Jessie, and Rachel last night. Happy to have had a long conversation about the brain with my dad over coffee this morning. And I'm looking forward to the rest of my weekend here.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the freedom I have in Christ. That's a heavy statement and means many different things. But I've been applying it to my life recently in the category of freedom from sin and Satan and darkness. Scripture tells me I can do all things through Christ (Philippians 4:13). Scripture tells me if I keep pursuing Christ and resisting Satan that the devil will flee from me (James 4:7). Scripture tells me that Jesus will break down the chains I have locked myself in and free me from any bondage that I may have (Psalm 107:14,16).
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit (2 Corinthians 3:17-18).
Because Christ is in me I have freedom. I don't have to struggle with habitual sin. I don't have to have pain over the (seemingly endless trend of) deaths in my family. I don't have to struggle with certain temptations. I don't have to worry so much about what next year in the "real world" will look like. I just need to hand it over to Him and He will take care of the rest. The Spirit transforms us more into Him each day we commit ourselves to Jesus, and through that we have freedom. Through becoming more like Christ, our chains are broken and our bondage is lifted. Bondage from sin. Bondage from pain. Bondage from sadness. Bondage from darkness. 2 Corinthians 3 talks about how when Moses' face reflected the Lord's glory, it would fade after some time. But because of Jesus and the Spirit that lives in us, we can now be transformed to reflect His glory in an "ever-increasing" manner. We need to continuously hand over our junk to fully live in freedom. The moment we try to handle things ourselves or stop bringing our pain and temptations to the Lord is when we put the shackles back on.
Being home the past day and half I've realized how much I had given to the Lord at the beginning of the summer. How many things I brought to Him honestly and faithfully. And He answered all of my prayers. He gave me the strength to open up to people. He provided me with community in New Jersey. He took certain temptations away and showered me with grace during the moments when I stumbled. He's been ever-present on our campus and in our IV chapter.
But the past two weeks I've done a poor job at handing my junk over to Him. I was convinced I could take care of everything myself. Oh how wrong I was. And it began to show in my mood and my interactions and my decisions. One by one I was linking the chains of my shackles back together.
And so last night when I came to this realization I yelled STOP. What have I been thinking?! I have FREEDOM in Christ. This all? This will pass away. Stop worrying, stop hurting, stop thinking so much. Just rest in His presence and give it all to Him. It's so tiresome and disheartening to try and fight the battles by myself. HandItOverToJesus.
Being home has made me realize how fast I can grow spiritually if I continue to keep in step with the Spirit. How temptations can flee. How pain can go away and I can inhale the scent of comfort once again. Keeping in step with Christ includes giving Him every sorrow and struggle and sin. I threw the shackles I had been toying with out the window. I will not go back to bondage. No way. No how.
If you're tired and thirsty, there is freedom. Give your all to Jesus, there is freedom.
When I pulled into my driveway I was the only one home so I lugged my bags up the stairs and dropped them on my floor. As I was going up the steps I noticed the familiar smell that as a kid was so comforting to me. When we had been down the shore on vacation for a couple of weeks and finally came back to Ewing, the scent of our house was always so strong. I could only sense this when we had been away for a long period of time; it never hit my smell receptors quite as powerfully after I came home from school or play rehearsal. And it was unlike any other smell. It was scented with love. And family. And joy. And though I was always sad to face the reality that our vacation was over, I secretly adored the sensation because it filled my heart with comfort.
I smelled it last night. I inhaled deeply as I made my way up the steps. Home.
I had been on vacation for a long time and I was finally back home. Emotionally, I had been away from this place for two and a half years. My heart was always in Virginia. Yes, I miss my mom. Yes, my family situation is not ideal. But I was smiling from ear to ear when I walked in that door. I was happy to spend last night at the Downs' house. Happy to have gone out with Bean, Jessie, and Rachel last night. Happy to have had a long conversation about the brain with my dad over coffee this morning. And I'm looking forward to the rest of my weekend here.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the freedom I have in Christ. That's a heavy statement and means many different things. But I've been applying it to my life recently in the category of freedom from sin and Satan and darkness. Scripture tells me I can do all things through Christ (Philippians 4:13). Scripture tells me if I keep pursuing Christ and resisting Satan that the devil will flee from me (James 4:7). Scripture tells me that Jesus will break down the chains I have locked myself in and free me from any bondage that I may have (Psalm 107:14,16).
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit (2 Corinthians 3:17-18).
Because Christ is in me I have freedom. I don't have to struggle with habitual sin. I don't have to have pain over the (seemingly endless trend of) deaths in my family. I don't have to struggle with certain temptations. I don't have to worry so much about what next year in the "real world" will look like. I just need to hand it over to Him and He will take care of the rest. The Spirit transforms us more into Him each day we commit ourselves to Jesus, and through that we have freedom. Through becoming more like Christ, our chains are broken and our bondage is lifted. Bondage from sin. Bondage from pain. Bondage from sadness. Bondage from darkness. 2 Corinthians 3 talks about how when Moses' face reflected the Lord's glory, it would fade after some time. But because of Jesus and the Spirit that lives in us, we can now be transformed to reflect His glory in an "ever-increasing" manner. We need to continuously hand over our junk to fully live in freedom. The moment we try to handle things ourselves or stop bringing our pain and temptations to the Lord is when we put the shackles back on.
Being home the past day and half I've realized how much I had given to the Lord at the beginning of the summer. How many things I brought to Him honestly and faithfully. And He answered all of my prayers. He gave me the strength to open up to people. He provided me with community in New Jersey. He took certain temptations away and showered me with grace during the moments when I stumbled. He's been ever-present on our campus and in our IV chapter.
But the past two weeks I've done a poor job at handing my junk over to Him. I was convinced I could take care of everything myself. Oh how wrong I was. And it began to show in my mood and my interactions and my decisions. One by one I was linking the chains of my shackles back together.
And so last night when I came to this realization I yelled STOP. What have I been thinking?! I have FREEDOM in Christ. This all? This will pass away. Stop worrying, stop hurting, stop thinking so much. Just rest in His presence and give it all to Him. It's so tiresome and disheartening to try and fight the battles by myself. HandItOverToJesus.
Being home has made me realize how fast I can grow spiritually if I continue to keep in step with the Spirit. How temptations can flee. How pain can go away and I can inhale the scent of comfort once again. Keeping in step with Christ includes giving Him every sorrow and struggle and sin. I threw the shackles I had been toying with out the window. I will not go back to bondage. No way. No how.
If you're tired and thirsty, there is freedom. Give your all to Jesus, there is freedom.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Psalm 66
Today was a roll-out-of-bed kinda day. I slept an hour past my alarm so showering was out of the question. I threw on some leggings and an over-sized T-shirt, gulped down my coffee, and slung my bookbag over my shoulder. I had to speed walk to my 9am--which is completely across campus--because I ran out of my apartment 5 minutes later than I usually aim for. Funny what a difference 8:40am and 8:45am can be in the necessity of turning a stroll into a power walk. I was zooming around people that were moving at a glacier pace, thinking of all the homework I didn't do over the weekend that I probably should have (I'm on top of my classes so don't worry--but usually I'm ahead, so when I'm not ahead I feel like a slacker). I was headed to Jepson for my ecology class that I basically loath. It's my only "not brain class" this semester and so it's just not my cup of tea. I turned off of the sidewalk and directed myself down the trail of mulch that cuts through the grassy hill, leading students from College Ave to the science building. I was wearing my no-traction Old Navy flip flops that cause me to wipe out more often than I'd like to admit when I realized half of the mulch on the trail was replaced with mud due to the month of rain we've been having. It was more probable that I was going to fall down this hill than remain on my two feet. By all accounts I had a less-than-perfect morning.
But I was in a great mood. Not just a great mood... an elated mood.
Well this was unlike me. I was trying to figure out why, after the semi-annoying morning I'd had I was smiling. And that's when I realized that subconsciously, my entire morning was filled with my mind shouting, "I LOVE JESUS."
This was the conversation I had in my head all morning--
Ugh I slept too late, ugly day it is. But who cares?! Jesus sure doesn't...
I didn't read all the articles I should have. But that's okay because Jesus made sure I completed what was necessary for today.
Wow I'm tired... But at least I have time for coffee. THANK YOU JESUSSSS FOR CREATING COFFEE.
I'm late for ecology. But Jesus knew I'd be late today sooo it's in His plan for my day.
How am I going to share my testimony with people in my talk on the retreat on Friday? It's not about where I've been, it's about who I am. Jesus is healing me. I don't want to be broken anymore. Yes that is SO TRUE--I don't WANT to be broken! I want Him to make me new and He is! I will press on and set stricter boundaries in my life because I want to keep moving forward. I want the freshmen on the retreat and in my small group to see how God can use someone like me, someone with my past. He can use me in ministry by transforming me more into His Son. It is all for His Glory and I hope they see that because I love them and want them to know that they can be used, regardless of where they are at now in their walks. I love the girls in my small group... I especially love getting to know the new freshmen... (thoughts trailed off at this point while walking down College Ave).
In ecology we learned things that weren't all THAT interesting to me. But I kept thinking about how the Lord truly works all things for our good. How nature is so intricately designed for us to live here.
And then I realized... I DIDN'T FALL DOWN THE HILL!! It was extremely likely that I was going to, especially with my clumsiness, but my feet remained planted on the ground. Thank you, Jesus!!!
When I got to biocognition I had an even greater morning. My professor--whom I really look up to and really respect--read my quiz answers out load as an example of the "right answer" to both sections (so like... to 50 students). I rarely am the smart kid in my college classes. And it felt so good to know that even when I think I'm behind in school, I can still have a grip on things. Thank you Jesus for allowing me to find this academic material that I love learning about! Thank you for giving me the brain capacity and the intelligence to be able to understand this difficult material! I love learning about the brain because I love learning more and more about how wonderfully and intricately You've designed us to be.
When we got into a discussion on the mind-body problem I sat very content. When this first came up in my classes a year ago I would leave furious that the professor would try to disprove Christianity. But since then I've researched and prayed and felt satisfied with my stance on the issue. Lord thank you for revealing to me that it is possible for me to follow Your Word and be a student of cognitive neuroscience.
Jesus performs miracles in our lives DAILY. He will keep our feet planted on the ground, even when it seems most probable that we will fall. I can only have academic achievements and impact people in InterVarsity and balance my chaotic schedule by the grace of God. Jesus is working in me and using me for His Glory and THAT is something to keep me smiling, even when life seems less-than-perfect.
But I was in a great mood. Not just a great mood... an elated mood.
Well this was unlike me. I was trying to figure out why, after the semi-annoying morning I'd had I was smiling. And that's when I realized that subconsciously, my entire morning was filled with my mind shouting, "I LOVE JESUS."
Shout with joy to God, all the earth! Sing the glory of his name; make his praise glorious! Say to God, "How awesome are your deeds! So great is your power that your enemies cringe before you. All the earth bows down to you; they sing praise to you, they sing praise to your name." (Psalm 66:1-4)
This was the conversation I had in my head all morning--
Ugh I slept too late, ugly day it is. But who cares?! Jesus sure doesn't...
I didn't read all the articles I should have. But that's okay because Jesus made sure I completed what was necessary for today.
Wow I'm tired... But at least I have time for coffee. THANK YOU JESUSSSS FOR CREATING COFFEE.
I'm late for ecology. But Jesus knew I'd be late today sooo it's in His plan for my day.
How am I going to share my testimony with people in my talk on the retreat on Friday? It's not about where I've been, it's about who I am. Jesus is healing me. I don't want to be broken anymore. Yes that is SO TRUE--I don't WANT to be broken! I want Him to make me new and He is! I will press on and set stricter boundaries in my life because I want to keep moving forward. I want the freshmen on the retreat and in my small group to see how God can use someone like me, someone with my past. He can use me in ministry by transforming me more into His Son. It is all for His Glory and I hope they see that because I love them and want them to know that they can be used, regardless of where they are at now in their walks. I love the girls in my small group... I especially love getting to know the new freshmen... (thoughts trailed off at this point while walking down College Ave).
 |
| Sarah & me with some girls in our small group!!! LOVE them. |
In ecology we learned things that weren't all THAT interesting to me. But I kept thinking about how the Lord truly works all things for our good. How nature is so intricately designed for us to live here.
Come and see what God has done, how awesome his works in man's behalf! He turned the sea into dry land, they passed through the waters on foot-- come, let us rejoice in him. He rules forever by his power, his eyes watch the nations--let not the rebellious rise up against him. (Psalm 66:5-7)
And then I realized... I DIDN'T FALL DOWN THE HILL!! It was extremely likely that I was going to, especially with my clumsiness, but my feet remained planted on the ground. Thank you, Jesus!!!
Praise our God, O peoples, let the sound of his praise be heard; he has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping. For you, O God, tested us' you refined us like silver. You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance. I will come to your temple with burnt offerings and fulfill my vows to you--vows my lips promised and my mouth spoke when I was in trouble. I will sacrifice fat animals to you and an offering of rams; I will offer bulls and goats. (Psalm 66:8-15)
When I got to biocognition I had an even greater morning. My professor--whom I really look up to and really respect--read my quiz answers out load as an example of the "right answer" to both sections (so like... to 50 students). I rarely am the smart kid in my college classes. And it felt so good to know that even when I think I'm behind in school, I can still have a grip on things. Thank you Jesus for allowing me to find this academic material that I love learning about! Thank you for giving me the brain capacity and the intelligence to be able to understand this difficult material! I love learning about the brain because I love learning more and more about how wonderfully and intricately You've designed us to be.
When we got into a discussion on the mind-body problem I sat very content. When this first came up in my classes a year ago I would leave furious that the professor would try to disprove Christianity. But since then I've researched and prayed and felt satisfied with my stance on the issue. Lord thank you for revealing to me that it is possible for me to follow Your Word and be a student of cognitive neuroscience.
Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me! (Psalm 66:16-20)
Jesus performs miracles in our lives DAILY. He will keep our feet planted on the ground, even when it seems most probable that we will fall. I can only have academic achievements and impact people in InterVarsity and balance my chaotic schedule by the grace of God. Jesus is working in me and using me for His Glory and THAT is something to keep me smiling, even when life seems less-than-perfect.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
The Potter and the Clay
You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust.
These words echoed through my car as I sat waiting for my friend to get out of class. I was picking her up for dinner and had ten minutes to sit and rest with Jesus. Christian music blaring, I reflected on the chaos (emotional, spiritual, academic, work-related, time-related, etc) that had encompassed my life over the past few months. More importantly, I reflected on the damage that I've continued to make in my relationship with Jesus. Both Saturday and today I took steps back--both in different areas in my life.
It's so discouraging. Why do I continue to mess up in the same ways? Over. And over. And over. And over again. I need to get accountability, I thought. I need to confess these things to people. But I choose to keep it inside and fight the battle by myself.
Maybe that's it. Sometimes I try to fight the battle by myself. Jacob didn't get a name change by going through struggles alone. He didn't become Israel by putting on some armor and bringing a sword to the mirror and slaying his reflection. It is only when he wrestled with God that his identity changed (Genesis 32:22-32). It is only when I invite Jesus into my wrestling matches will I overcome.
You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us.
The earth seemed to go silent except for that refrain reverberating through my Rav4. It was then that I realized I was and am moving forward. Even though I continue to fall it's always two steps forward and one step back, never the other way around. Why? Because I continue to make a conscious choice every day to invite Jesus into my struggles. On my own, I would be either standing still or sliding backwards. But with Christ, forward motion is the only possible motion.
...since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. --Colossians 3:9b-10
"which is being renewed."
Not "which has been renewed."
Paul said "which is being renewed."
We are in the process of being renewed. I read this in Scripture a lot. I hear this in sermons a lot. Friends tell me this a lot. But I finally understand. We are moving forward if we make a daily choice to wrestle with Christ. Always. Even if at a glacier pace, it is a forward motion.
I thought about the areas of my life that I have made obvious progression in and smiled. Thank You, Lord, for removing those strongholds completely (or almost completely, depending on which ones we're talking about). And if I really look at the areas that I continue to fall in (too) frequently and stretch them out over a timeline, I can see that I am improving. These areas are difficult because they aren't just this habitual sin pattern. They start from a deep point of brokenness that needs healing. On the outside they look simple (just stop the actions, right?), but on the inside it is years and years of warped perceptions and pain to sort through. I can see by this stretched timeline that not only has Christ been helping me overcome these strongholds by making my sin less frequent, but He's been doing a mighty work under the surface, as well. Even though I can see that we still have a longgg way to go.
Jesus doesn't just smooth out the rough edges, He puts the clay back on the wheel and reconstructs it from the inside out.
Yes He keeps the same clay; He uses ME-- He doesn't pick up new clay and start from scratch. But He reshapes everything there is about the old me. In ceramics if you have a defective molding, you have to put it back on the wheel and try the whole thing again. You can't just smooth out the rough edges if the inside is messed up because even something as small as an air bubble will cause it to blow up in the kiln. This takes time.
And so I need to be patient while the Lord is reshaping me. I can't get frustrated when it doesn't happen overnight. I will rejoice in the progress that I see He is making in me and continue to invite Him into my struggles. The more I invite Jesus in, the faster my remodeling will be done.
I rested in the end of the song, smiling that I never have to fear sliding backwards as long as I'm walking with Christ.
You make me new, You are making me new.
These words echoed through my car as I sat waiting for my friend to get out of class. I was picking her up for dinner and had ten minutes to sit and rest with Jesus. Christian music blaring, I reflected on the chaos (emotional, spiritual, academic, work-related, time-related, etc) that had encompassed my life over the past few months. More importantly, I reflected on the damage that I've continued to make in my relationship with Jesus. Both Saturday and today I took steps back--both in different areas in my life.
It's so discouraging. Why do I continue to mess up in the same ways? Over. And over. And over. And over again. I need to get accountability, I thought. I need to confess these things to people. But I choose to keep it inside and fight the battle by myself.
Maybe that's it. Sometimes I try to fight the battle by myself. Jacob didn't get a name change by going through struggles alone. He didn't become Israel by putting on some armor and bringing a sword to the mirror and slaying his reflection. It is only when he wrestled with God that his identity changed (Genesis 32:22-32). It is only when I invite Jesus into my wrestling matches will I overcome.
You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us.
The earth seemed to go silent except for that refrain reverberating through my Rav4. It was then that I realized I was and am moving forward. Even though I continue to fall it's always two steps forward and one step back, never the other way around. Why? Because I continue to make a conscious choice every day to invite Jesus into my struggles. On my own, I would be either standing still or sliding backwards. But with Christ, forward motion is the only possible motion.
...since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. --Colossians 3:9b-10
"which is being renewed."
Not "which has been renewed."
Paul said "which is being renewed."
We are in the process of being renewed. I read this in Scripture a lot. I hear this in sermons a lot. Friends tell me this a lot. But I finally understand. We are moving forward if we make a daily choice to wrestle with Christ. Always. Even if at a glacier pace, it is a forward motion.
I thought about the areas of my life that I have made obvious progression in and smiled. Thank You, Lord, for removing those strongholds completely (or almost completely, depending on which ones we're talking about). And if I really look at the areas that I continue to fall in (too) frequently and stretch them out over a timeline, I can see that I am improving. These areas are difficult because they aren't just this habitual sin pattern. They start from a deep point of brokenness that needs healing. On the outside they look simple (just stop the actions, right?), but on the inside it is years and years of warped perceptions and pain to sort through. I can see by this stretched timeline that not only has Christ been helping me overcome these strongholds by making my sin less frequent, but He's been doing a mighty work under the surface, as well. Even though I can see that we still have a longgg way to go.
Jesus doesn't just smooth out the rough edges, He puts the clay back on the wheel and reconstructs it from the inside out.
 |
| Isaiah 64:8 |
And so I need to be patient while the Lord is reshaping me. I can't get frustrated when it doesn't happen overnight. I will rejoice in the progress that I see He is making in me and continue to invite Him into my struggles. The more I invite Jesus in, the faster my remodeling will be done.
I rested in the end of the song, smiling that I never have to fear sliding backwards as long as I'm walking with Christ.
You make me new, You are making me new.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
2 Years Old Today
Two years ago tonight I asked Jesus to change my heart and decided to give my life to Him. I didn't really know what it meant to follow Him, but I asked Him to work with me while I tried to figure it out. Up until that night I had spent the majority of my life miserable. My facebook status that I had posted on this morning two years ago was actually, "worst mood ever lately." I was LOST. I was about ready to give up. I was actually seriously considering dropping out of college that morning when I posted that status, probably an indication of the suicidal point I had reached.
My blog entry two nights after I asked Christ to help me change was simple. It was a prayer that stemmed from the first large group talk of the semester, which had occurred just five days before I gave it all to God. I had spent the prior 6 months hearing the Gospel and had to pick a side: for it or against it. I couldn't stand on this middle, lukewarm ground anymore. I needed to either be all in or walk away. And I knew that previously in life, without living for Christ, I was emo and "darkness" (as my high school friends called me by name) and hated life. I knew that whatever life I had been choosing to live just wasn't working. My blog read: "I've been here for about two weeks. A week ago today someone challenged me in a way I didn't think anyone ever would. Now, I realize that I have been living 19 years in a way that I don't want to live. I want to learn to live in a new light. Please, teach me. Funny how one person can say one thing that can completely changes your outlook on life... possibly forever."
The next entry in my old blog began with this paragraph: "Three weeks ago today I made the decision to stop living for myself. I have been so much happier. I've had friends come up to me, even ones that I wasn't as close with last year and say, 'Alyssa, I've known you for a year and I have NEVER seen you this happy.' I've had people on more than one occasion ask me if I'm drunk because I'll be so... giddy (which you all know is so unlike me). I have a feeling that if people who have only known me for a year see a change, my friends at home definitely should. And if not then I guess they don't know me that well to begin with."
That still holds true in my life. I've been so joyous the past two years that I was shocked when I even read that old blog entry. Sometimes I forget that I even was "darkness." Sometimes the dark parts don't even seem like a part of my life--they feel like a movie I once watched--because they are so opposite of my current life: the life I live for Christ. I truly am a new creation.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! -- 2 Corinthians 5:17
And tonight, on the anniversary of my "second birthday" I was at my first large group as InterVarsity Chapter President. I was worshiping Jesus and praising Him for the radical (and almost unbelievable) work He did--and continues to do--in my life.
It really is almost unbelievable--sometimes my testimony even astonishes me. No one, including myself, would have thought two years ago today that I would one day be on leadership, let alone be making arrangements to apply for ministry positions for post-graduation. I didn't just used to be a crazy, party girl (which was also true...) but I was damaged... I mean years and years of layered psychological damage. I truly am a new creation.
As Lecrae would say in two of his songs...
But I ain't fixed myself, ain't turn myself around. I gave it up and told the Lord that He could have it now.
Yeah a new swag, new walk, new focus. It's all Christ, not me, no boastin.
And so I entered large group tonight as the new creation that I am-- transformed and redeemed. Sometimes I feel inadequate as Chapter President. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even supposed to be in this position. I wonder if I'm even helping out the Kingdom.
But in times when I'm doubting God's ability to work through me I have to remember John 15:16-- You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.
Christ chose me and pursued me until I gave my life to Him because He loves me. Because He has a purpose for my life and that purpose is good and for His glory.
So Lord thank You for saving me. Thank You for redeeming me. Thank You for loving me and forgiving me despite the terrible things I've done, continue to do, and will do in the future. And please help me to bear fruit that will last this year as Chapter President. Help me to spread the Gospel to my campus. Because I want everyone to know You like I do. I want everyone's lives to be as radically transformed as mine was.
Lamentations 3:19-21 is seriously my life in a nutshell: I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope.
I remember how lost I was for 19 years and it saddens me when I read old journal entries or see the scars that still linger on my wrists. But I will rejoice when these reminders are brought to my attention because it reminds me of the miracle that Christ has worked in my life. And I have hope that I will not only continue to progress in my walk with Him, but I also have hope that I will see my friends' and family's lives changed. The Lord has the power to change anyone's heart. I have hope that my campus will one day come to know Him.
Jesus... I just love You.
My blog entry two nights after I asked Christ to help me change was simple. It was a prayer that stemmed from the first large group talk of the semester, which had occurred just five days before I gave it all to God. I had spent the prior 6 months hearing the Gospel and had to pick a side: for it or against it. I couldn't stand on this middle, lukewarm ground anymore. I needed to either be all in or walk away. And I knew that previously in life, without living for Christ, I was emo and "darkness" (as my high school friends called me by name) and hated life. I knew that whatever life I had been choosing to live just wasn't working. My blog read: "I've been here for about two weeks. A week ago today someone challenged me in a way I didn't think anyone ever would. Now, I realize that I have been living 19 years in a way that I don't want to live. I want to learn to live in a new light. Please, teach me. Funny how one person can say one thing that can completely changes your outlook on life... possibly forever."
The next entry in my old blog began with this paragraph: "Three weeks ago today I made the decision to stop living for myself. I have been so much happier. I've had friends come up to me, even ones that I wasn't as close with last year and say, 'Alyssa, I've known you for a year and I have NEVER seen you this happy.' I've had people on more than one occasion ask me if I'm drunk because I'll be so... giddy (which you all know is so unlike me). I have a feeling that if people who have only known me for a year see a change, my friends at home definitely should. And if not then I guess they don't know me that well to begin with."
 |
| Photo at the fall retreat with the people that helped lead me to Christ (yay IV!) This was taken around the same time as the second blog post that I quoted. |
That still holds true in my life. I've been so joyous the past two years that I was shocked when I even read that old blog entry. Sometimes I forget that I even was "darkness." Sometimes the dark parts don't even seem like a part of my life--they feel like a movie I once watched--because they are so opposite of my current life: the life I live for Christ. I truly am a new creation.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! -- 2 Corinthians 5:17
And tonight, on the anniversary of my "second birthday" I was at my first large group as InterVarsity Chapter President. I was worshiping Jesus and praising Him for the radical (and almost unbelievable) work He did--and continues to do--in my life.
It really is almost unbelievable--sometimes my testimony even astonishes me. No one, including myself, would have thought two years ago today that I would one day be on leadership, let alone be making arrangements to apply for ministry positions for post-graduation. I didn't just used to be a crazy, party girl (which was also true...) but I was damaged... I mean years and years of layered psychological damage. I truly am a new creation.
As Lecrae would say in two of his songs...
But I ain't fixed myself, ain't turn myself around. I gave it up and told the Lord that He could have it now.
Yeah a new swag, new walk, new focus. It's all Christ, not me, no boastin.
And so I entered large group tonight as the new creation that I am-- transformed and redeemed. Sometimes I feel inadequate as Chapter President. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even supposed to be in this position. I wonder if I'm even helping out the Kingdom.
But in times when I'm doubting God's ability to work through me I have to remember John 15:16-- You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.
Christ chose me and pursued me until I gave my life to Him because He loves me. Because He has a purpose for my life and that purpose is good and for His glory.
So Lord thank You for saving me. Thank You for redeeming me. Thank You for loving me and forgiving me despite the terrible things I've done, continue to do, and will do in the future. And please help me to bear fruit that will last this year as Chapter President. Help me to spread the Gospel to my campus. Because I want everyone to know You like I do. I want everyone's lives to be as radically transformed as mine was.
Lamentations 3:19-21 is seriously my life in a nutshell: I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope.
I remember how lost I was for 19 years and it saddens me when I read old journal entries or see the scars that still linger on my wrists. But I will rejoice when these reminders are brought to my attention because it reminds me of the miracle that Christ has worked in my life. And I have hope that I will not only continue to progress in my walk with Him, but I also have hope that I will see my friends' and family's lives changed. The Lord has the power to change anyone's heart. I have hope that my campus will one day come to know Him.
Jesus... I just love You.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Torn
It's sort of strange to describe my life right now. I feel in such an in-between state. So many changes are going on around me' it's hard to keep up with them all. For starters, I dyed my hair dark (like, dark, dark) brown the day I left for Virginia. Please note that I've been a blonde my entire life. I like the color, and my friends have told me they're already used to it. But I'm not. I mean, I only see myself 5 or 6 times a day (or how ever often I look in the mirror), whereas they see me whenever they're in the same room as me. So when I see my reflection I'm still in a state of shock. This isn't me... or... it's not who I'm used to seeing anyway...
Since being in Virginia, I've experienced an aftershock from the earthquake (that apparently was a four-point-something), a nasty thunderstorm that was unrelated to the hurricane (which of course entailed lightening striking a transformer and knocking out power in the entire city of Fredericksburg for hours), and am currently in the middle of Hurricane Irene. If you know me at all, you'd know that I'm deathly afraid of weather--thunderstorms, snowstorms, tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, you name it (thank you, Mom, for rubbing that off onto me...). But I've never experienced natural disasters personally and all of a sudden we're getting hit at all angles. There's even a tornado warning in my home town. So I've been feeling very jumpy and frantic inside. Always on the alert. Mind racing. This isn't me... or... it's not how I'm used to feeling anyway.
The leadership retreat was today and yesterday. It was really good and really awesome and I feel satisfied with what was accomplished--even though it was cut a bit shorter than I would have liked due to the hurricane. But because I didn't sleep home last night, my apartment isn't fully decorated yet. And I'm out of 3M strips and storage containers. So I'm waiting for the hurricane to end so that I can run out to Walmart and get more. Until then I cannot finish the final nitty-gritty details of unpacking and I'm semi-living out of boxes. I don't feel quiet at home here (yet). Speaking of not feeling at home here... I don't know where I feel at home. There have been some points over the past few days where I am so happy to be in Virginia. I've missed all of my friends and the greatness of Fredericksburg (I really do love this town). I've been happy to be away from working that 8:30-5:30 day and finally having hot water to shower in. I loved the leadership retreat because it got all of us so excited for this coming year. And our group dynamics were so great. It just made me super ecstatic all over again to be able to serve our chapter and our campus with these wonderful friends. But sometimes I really miss Jersey. I miss my church and my friends there and the people who have had such strong Christian influences in my life this summer. I miss my lifeguarding job. I miss feeling loved by a family. And tomorrow I will miss the 20 Something bible study. Last night at the leadership retreat we watched the movie To Save A Life and someone commented that we, as Christians, don't talk about God enough in our relationships with one another even though we have good, wholesome fun. All I kept thinking about was, "But I do talk about the Lord frequently with my friends at home. Regardless of if it is in the midst of our laughter or our tears we are always bringing it back to Him, praising Jesus for the work He's doing in our lives. Why aren't my relationships here as rooted? I've known these people longer than most of my home church friends and yet we tend to be so surfacy. Something's not right..." It's not like my relationships are home are always so serious and "feeling-sharing," but we understand the dynamics of having Christ-centered relationships. Even if we're joking and laughing, the Lord is involved. So I miss my life at home, I really do. And I haven't missed home in a full two years. But at the same time, I don't want to leave Fredericksburg. My heart is here on this campus, with this InterVarsity chapter, with these peers and professors, and in this town. My life seriously seems divided. I don't know where I yearn to be more: Fredericksburg or Ewing. But I do know that to not be in either place feels like a sword is driven through my heart. I ache to just have my two lives meshed into one. This isn't me... or... this isn't what I'm used to saying anyway.
And then I feel pulled in two directions in another way, as well--between InterVarsity and my academics. I keep forgetting that I'm here for school and not for IV. I keep forgetting that come three days I will be sitting in class (I actually already have massive amounts of reading to do for my 491 Team). I keep forgetting that all the things I have planned to do for the leadership team and for the chapter will become overwhelming once classes begin. I just want to do InterVarsity--all day every day! It's all I've been prepping for this summer and I just want to hit the ground running and keep going full speed all year, which isn't a reality for someone who is in the science department at UMW. And I just sometimes want to forget my classes and focus on IV. But then I get together with my psychology friends and I feel so excited to learn (in my psych classes anyway... biology is always another issue...). And I wonder why I'm not just going to grad school for biopsychology right away after undergrad. I wonder why I didn't just take the GREs this summer. I wonder if I made the right choice when I made up my mind about going into ministry. I feel in the middle of InterVarsity and psychology and I wonder how I'm going to do both this year. Because right now with the work that each requires it seems like I need to pick one to focus on. I'm usually so good at multitasking. This isn't me... or... this isn't the great time-manager that I'm used to being.
I feel like I'm looking at my life from the outside right now. I'm watching everything happen like it's a movie and some strange girl with brown hair is playing my character. It really, really doesn't feel like my life. The mix of the natural disasters with the homesickness and seeing myself question if I'll actually be able to handle my senior classes AND be chapter president-- these are such foreign feelings to me. This isn't me...
Who am I? Right now I'm some brunette chick that's fearing for her life and belongings during this hurricane. Whose heart feels torn between Virginia and New Jersey, InterVarsity and psychology.
I need to just trust that Jesus is going to get me through this year and allow me to love every moment of senior year. That He will not only provide me with the environment and time to learn all of the things in school that I love learning, but that I will work hard and make a difference in the world of research on my 491 Team (just like my team did last year for physio psych). And that despite me working hard in school, He will provide ample time for me to give to my InterVarsity jobs, the wisdom to delegate the responsibilities to the rest of leadership (so that I'm not doing it all on my own, as I tend to do...), and the Holy Spirit to impact the campus with His Word. And that when second semester rolls around and I need to choose a location to make my post-grad home (Virginia vs. New Jersey), He will reveal that place to me, regardless of the loving persuasions of people on either side.
Since being in Virginia, I've experienced an aftershock from the earthquake (that apparently was a four-point-something), a nasty thunderstorm that was unrelated to the hurricane (which of course entailed lightening striking a transformer and knocking out power in the entire city of Fredericksburg for hours), and am currently in the middle of Hurricane Irene. If you know me at all, you'd know that I'm deathly afraid of weather--thunderstorms, snowstorms, tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, you name it (thank you, Mom, for rubbing that off onto me...). But I've never experienced natural disasters personally and all of a sudden we're getting hit at all angles. There's even a tornado warning in my home town. So I've been feeling very jumpy and frantic inside. Always on the alert. Mind racing. This isn't me... or... it's not how I'm used to feeling anyway.
The leadership retreat was today and yesterday. It was really good and really awesome and I feel satisfied with what was accomplished--even though it was cut a bit shorter than I would have liked due to the hurricane. But because I didn't sleep home last night, my apartment isn't fully decorated yet. And I'm out of 3M strips and storage containers. So I'm waiting for the hurricane to end so that I can run out to Walmart and get more. Until then I cannot finish the final nitty-gritty details of unpacking and I'm semi-living out of boxes. I don't feel quiet at home here (yet). Speaking of not feeling at home here... I don't know where I feel at home. There have been some points over the past few days where I am so happy to be in Virginia. I've missed all of my friends and the greatness of Fredericksburg (I really do love this town). I've been happy to be away from working that 8:30-5:30 day and finally having hot water to shower in. I loved the leadership retreat because it got all of us so excited for this coming year. And our group dynamics were so great. It just made me super ecstatic all over again to be able to serve our chapter and our campus with these wonderful friends. But sometimes I really miss Jersey. I miss my church and my friends there and the people who have had such strong Christian influences in my life this summer. I miss my lifeguarding job. I miss feeling loved by a family. And tomorrow I will miss the 20 Something bible study. Last night at the leadership retreat we watched the movie To Save A Life and someone commented that we, as Christians, don't talk about God enough in our relationships with one another even though we have good, wholesome fun. All I kept thinking about was, "But I do talk about the Lord frequently with my friends at home. Regardless of if it is in the midst of our laughter or our tears we are always bringing it back to Him, praising Jesus for the work He's doing in our lives. Why aren't my relationships here as rooted? I've known these people longer than most of my home church friends and yet we tend to be so surfacy. Something's not right..." It's not like my relationships are home are always so serious and "feeling-sharing," but we understand the dynamics of having Christ-centered relationships. Even if we're joking and laughing, the Lord is involved. So I miss my life at home, I really do. And I haven't missed home in a full two years. But at the same time, I don't want to leave Fredericksburg. My heart is here on this campus, with this InterVarsity chapter, with these peers and professors, and in this town. My life seriously seems divided. I don't know where I yearn to be more: Fredericksburg or Ewing. But I do know that to not be in either place feels like a sword is driven through my heart. I ache to just have my two lives meshed into one. This isn't me... or... this isn't what I'm used to saying anyway.
And then I feel pulled in two directions in another way, as well--between InterVarsity and my academics. I keep forgetting that I'm here for school and not for IV. I keep forgetting that come three days I will be sitting in class (I actually already have massive amounts of reading to do for my 491 Team). I keep forgetting that all the things I have planned to do for the leadership team and for the chapter will become overwhelming once classes begin. I just want to do InterVarsity--all day every day! It's all I've been prepping for this summer and I just want to hit the ground running and keep going full speed all year, which isn't a reality for someone who is in the science department at UMW. And I just sometimes want to forget my classes and focus on IV. But then I get together with my psychology friends and I feel so excited to learn (in my psych classes anyway... biology is always another issue...). And I wonder why I'm not just going to grad school for biopsychology right away after undergrad. I wonder why I didn't just take the GREs this summer. I wonder if I made the right choice when I made up my mind about going into ministry. I feel in the middle of InterVarsity and psychology and I wonder how I'm going to do both this year. Because right now with the work that each requires it seems like I need to pick one to focus on. I'm usually so good at multitasking. This isn't me... or... this isn't the great time-manager that I'm used to being.
I feel like I'm looking at my life from the outside right now. I'm watching everything happen like it's a movie and some strange girl with brown hair is playing my character. It really, really doesn't feel like my life. The mix of the natural disasters with the homesickness and seeing myself question if I'll actually be able to handle my senior classes AND be chapter president-- these are such foreign feelings to me. This isn't me...
Who am I? Right now I'm some brunette chick that's fearing for her life and belongings during this hurricane. Whose heart feels torn between Virginia and New Jersey, InterVarsity and psychology.
I need to just trust that Jesus is going to get me through this year and allow me to love every moment of senior year. That He will not only provide me with the environment and time to learn all of the things in school that I love learning, but that I will work hard and make a difference in the world of research on my 491 Team (just like my team did last year for physio psych). And that despite me working hard in school, He will provide ample time for me to give to my InterVarsity jobs, the wisdom to delegate the responsibilities to the rest of leadership (so that I'm not doing it all on my own, as I tend to do...), and the Holy Spirit to impact the campus with His Word. And that when second semester rolls around and I need to choose a location to make my post-grad home (Virginia vs. New Jersey), He will reveal that place to me, regardless of the loving persuasions of people on either side.
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